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“Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhuhuhu...”
Nina pressed her thumbs into a plushie of Hina, the girl she hates, acquired recently as to ‘dunk it in milk and throw it onto a wall’.
“You look so punchable… you’re so getting punched.”
Nina pinched the plushie by the torso and flicked its forehead; watching it wobble a light back and forth in the moonlight, then flicked it again.
“Huhuhuhuhuhihuhiiihhiuiihuhuhu…”
Nina laid back into her cushion, tossing the plushie onto her tiny round table. “You’re so dumb… your plush is so dumb…”
The plushie was a rather expensive piece of merchandise somehow found in shibuya; one Nina came across before running circles around the district until she came up with the brilliant plan of torturing a Hina plushie.
“Kukukuku… you’re so getting dunked hina… you’re sooooo getting thrown…”
Nina reached for the plushie, choked it, stood up, pumped her arm, then fired it to her wall.
PAH
Giggling, Nina picked it back up, and slung it harder.
PAH
Nina was about to throw it again with an even larger, grander vision of wall throwing in mind but unfortunately she developed a conscience in that time frame and picked it up quietly in consideration of her neighbors.
“Hmmm…”
Nina placed her plushie on her table, fidgeting for a few seconds before swinging open her phone taking many many photos of in a variety of subjectively funny positions. Then she decided to have some devious fun; toying with its arms, karate chopping it on the head to form a dent, dangling it by the leg as its twin tails wagged like a puppy, fantasizing chucking it in the freezer then later slamming it to concrete, watching it-
“Ehe… eheheheh… ehehehehehehehehehh…oh.”
Ninas conscience returned.
“Aww…:(“
A Nasty little gremlin the conscience often is, but Nina felt a little grateful she stopped before it got too out of hand.
Nina decided she wanted to be kind from then on, so she gently placed the plushie back on her mini table while giving it light pats and brushes; because she’s nice to it now.
A light breeze flew into her room as she sat there. The plushie completely still as Nina imagined it exploding to bits.
“Hm.”
Nina continued to sit, reflecting on her day and tired legs; mind going over song lyrics and ways to get back at Subaru from a recent prank.
“…”
Nina blinked a few times, changed sitting positions, put her phone on her table, played with her fingers.
“…”
“Okay now I’m boreedddddd…”
Nina melted onto her table, her fingers starting to tap a light piece of rhythm as the moon lit her vision. It was then realized that she hasn’t turned the lights on ever since she got back to her apartment, but she felt too lazy to turn it back on.
“Erghhhhwhhuhhhhhhhhhhhh… bored.”
Nina continued to tap her fingers, her mind wondering how her band mates would react to her plushie.
Tomo might think it’s weird, Rupa would laugh and come up with something fun to do with it, Momoka might just keep quiet and ignore it, and Subaru would think it’s cute.
“…”
Nina’s gaze wandered back to the plushie, its material granting it an iridescent glow in the moonlight; its vibrance prompting her to prop herself up and study the plushies features.
The plushie was a rather interesting piece of merchandise. Its enlarged head and stubby limbs gave it a helplessly friendly shape. It was dressed in a costume reminiscent of a sailor uniform, colored white and bright blue. To complete, its face was etched with a bright expression of joy; a wink and a wide smile, each feature made to shine along its pink fluffy twin tails, lovable and loved.
“…Hm.”
Nina picked up the plushie and brought it close to her face.
“Hmmmmmm…”
Is this plushie really Hina?
“Feels like they got your face wrong, your stupid stupid face.”
Nina recalled sunken eyes, a shut mouth, arms crumpled into her body, fingers fidgeting on her knees; that was the Hina she first saw.
“…You didn’t look like this… Did you look like this?”
Ninas gaze sank into the plushie’s sewn eyes, submerging into a recollection of images floating past;
She sat across class by the window.
She wore a bored smile when talked to.
She was always surrounded by people.
You sat in the middle of class.
You always mumbled fast then shut up.
You never ate with anyone at school.
You saw her splayed body on the school rooftop one day.
She had earphones on with her lunch untouched.
You stood there and wondered if you were dreaming.
She looked like she was was dreaming, but you couldn’t be sure of that.
You approached her carefully, and as you did a muffled sound seemed to escape her.
She was humming something in tears.
You let out a gasp and quickly shut your mouth.
She noticed.
You prepared to turn and bolt it to the door ; but she looked at you in a way no one has before.
You hesitated, but a strange brand of courage welled up within you, and you stood there, asking what kind of song she was listening to.
She almost looked like she smiled.
“Did you… did you smile like this back then, Hina?”
Nina squeezed the plushie in a grip, contorting its smile into a crumpled snakey shape.
“You always had something to complain about; The way your friends talked, the way your parents treated you, the way lines are so long, the way summer’s too hot, the way your snacks weren’t sweet enough, the way lunch break was too short, the way everyone bothered you, and the way I-“
The way she is Iseri Nina.
The way she was abandoned for it.
“You’re so stupid. You’re so dumb. You’re so… you’re so-“
As she squeezed the plushie, Nina pricked her finger, causing the plushie to be let go, plunging headfirst onto the table.
“Sad… You were so… sad.”
The plushie now, seemed to Nina as if a bird shot and on the brink of death; Its feeble body shivering in the night air, feathers red with blood.
“…”
Nina reached towards the plushie and cradled it in her hands, passing it from her left to her right, feeling its softness caress her palms.
“…”
Nina sat there for a while, thinking; thinking of words, experiences, hate, justified hate, inklings of feeling past and long gone, the vivid blue sky above the cage, the song pulsing through her earphone, the breath flowing beside her, and the lonely brushing of fingers going farther, farther away.
“…”
Nina pressed the plushies forehead onto hers, reaching into its harsh resemblance, pressing on to that place they once shared.
“I’m sorry… Hina.”
Nina pushed the plushie into herself, Its image piercing deeper and further; hoping that even if their place is gone forever, both of them could be at peace just once more.
“I hate you… and I’m sorry.”
—
Hina closed the door, locked it, opened the curtains, and placed a Nina plushie on her bed.
Hina closed the curtains, moved the plushie to her table, and sat down on her bed.
Hina stood up, kicked her chair, stomped her foot in pain, and sat back down.
“Is everything okay?” Nana asked with a light knock, “that was rather loud…”
“It’s nothing,” hina answered, “it’s nothing.”
Hina heard a sigh, a slipper slide, then a step and another in fading succession.
Hina reached for her table, grabbed the plushie, and threw it to her mirror.
PAH
Hina waited to make sure Nana didn’t hear anything, snagged it, then threw it again.
PAH
Hina caught the plushie as it ricocheted and threw it again.
PAH
Hina gripped the plushie and looked into its eyes.
The plushie was cute, super cute, its eyes were super big and angry like that girl’s and her whorls of hair were there and she had a stupid shirt on with stupid words on and-
Hina kissed the plushie.
Hina threw the plushie.
PAH
Hina grabbed the plushie, wiped it with a tissue, then kissed it again.
Hina reeled back, shocked, bumping onto the wall.
Hina slid to the floor about to cry, but she made no sound.
Hina tried to cry, but no tears came.
Hina stayed there, shoulder to the wall, plushie slipped to the floor.
Hina didn't move, feeling as if only her and the plushie existed in the world.
Hina got up unsteadily, undid her twin tails, picked up the plushie, and fell to her bed.
Hina was tired, tired of performing, tired of people, tired of everything.
Hina held the plushie up, watching it shimmer in the shadows of tokyo, its shape wobbly and distinct.
Hina kept that position for a while, unable to sleep, her heartbeat felt.
Hina pushed the plushie closer to her ceiling, as far as she could muster laying down, then the plushie came tumbling down to her hair.
Hina stared at the ceiling, allowing memory to take her back to a time when she was almost happy.
She remembered that stupid idiot’s face, when she was asked what song she was listening to.
She remembered telling her, offering her an earphone.
She remembered watching her lay down in the same position, allowing herself to be taken in.
She remembered hearing her first impression of that song, the silence, the gasps of breath, the wail of a baby bird sharply calling out to the world.
Hina sat up from her bed, grasping for the plushie to make sure it was there.
Hina started to hum the song she remembered, different from the song she sang by day, its slow and enveloping walk of peace.
Hina looked into the plushie, imagining how that girl would have sang it now, how she would have made that song hers.
Hina wanted to eat the plushie, to make that song her own, to imbue it with as much desperation and defiance as that girl did; she wanted to be Iseri Nina.
Hina laid back down on her bed, holding her plushie tight, remembering the peace she felt so long before.
Hina curled into herself, bringing the plushie closer, hoping that Nina would come to her, begging to have her back.
But she knew that would never happen. And the words she wanted to say the most, the words she wanted to hear the most, would never be released to the world.