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Tonight was The Night. And Shouyou wasn’t sure what he wanted to wear. Did his cream ssweater have too deep of a V-neck? Was a simple faded graphic tee plus his favorite mint skirt too simple? Should he forgo the skirt for mint shorts? This was all too complicated. Too much, he should just text Tobio now and cancel their date, he should back out right now, not tell him anything, he should just—
Behind him, he hears Kenma sigh, followed by: “I can hear you thinking.” The deadpan comment makes Shouyou laugh, and he continues to sift through his closet, still unsure as to what would look appropriate enough to wear on this important night. Silence settles around the two of them again, and from the other side of the hall Shouyou can hear muffled rap music from Tetsurou’s and Kenma’s room, suddenly more understanding on why his friend had barged into his room and plopped on his bed just under a half hour ago.
“Well,” Shouyou says conversationally, pink tipped nails snagging a pastel pink button down off its respected hanger, “It’s high time I told Tobio the truth you know? I’m a little nervous? I want to look good, just in case that sways him, or something.” He trails off with a small laugh, turning in his closet to pull off a pair of floral patterned jeans.
“Why?”
Glancing at the items in his hands, Shouyou makes a content hum in the back of his throat before padding away from his closet and placing the clothes on the edge of his bed, “Why? Because I want to look feminine but not too feminine, you know? I want to show him that I’m still me. That I’m not…yeah.”
There’s a brief moment where Shouyou only hears music that can only mean that Kenma is working their way through a cut-scene, and goes to close the door to his room before stripping off his shirt and tossing it into the laundry basket.
“Goal,” he sings under his breath, a small giggle escaping into the room.
Suddenly the Zelda music stops and Shouyou finds Kenma watching him, their eyebrows raised, “Shouyou,” they say slowly, “you’re one of the gayest people I have ever met. You’ll be fine.”
Shouyou forces himself to nod and moves to take off his sweats when the thought hits him that he’s not a boy.
“I don’t have a penis,” he whispers in horror, staring at Kenma as tears start to blur his vision, “I don’t…I’m not a boy, Kenma. What if Tobio dumps me?” Shouyou fingers the waistband of his sweats as tears drip off his chin, and he’s suddenly laughing, folding his legs under him, “What if I’m alone forever?”
“Shouyou…”
“What if he beats me up—in my own house—and leaves me to die? What if…what if he stops caring for me?” Shouyou chokes on a sob, hands coming up to cover his face as his shoulders shake. Dark thoughts swarm in his head, telling him that he’s unloved, that no one cares for him. The good thoughts try to fight back—Shouyou tries to fight back—but for every good thought he has, at least five bad ones are there to disprove it.
He hates this.
In the background he can hear Kenma heave a shaky breath before his bedroom door is yanked open. The sound of rap music gets louder for a moment before it cuts off mid-beat, and silence finally settles around the apartment. Silence broken only by Shouyou’s sobs.
Dammit, he hates this.
He’s not sure at what point Kenma reenters the room, but Kenma’s fingers brush against the backs of his hands, pulling them away from Shouyou’s face so that he can see the watery frown pulling Kenma’s lips into a frown.
“Hey,” Kenma speaks, wiping their thumb along Shouyou’s cheeks, smearing the tears escaping his eyes, “It’s okay.”
“Yeah,” the next voice is deeper—yet not quite as Tobio’s—and Shouyou’s vision is filled with copper eyes and a gentle smile, “We got you kid, you know that.”
Shouyou can only nod as Tetsurou wraps his arms around his body, pulling him against his chest. Shouyou is about to protest, because it’s obvious that Tetsurou isn’t wearing a bra, and he had always hated people touching him when he didn’t have at least a sports bra on. Shouyou licks his lips, ready to pull away, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees Kenma shake their head. It’s all the permission Shouyou needs before he’s shoving his face against Tetsurou’s breasts and crying, his wails echoing in his room.
“It’s okay, kid. Everything will be okay, I promise.”
“I don’t want him to leave me,” Shouyou hiccups, voice muffled against fabric and body mass, “I don’t want to be alone again, I don’t.” another sob, “What if…what if he beats me up because I lied?”
Shouyou thinks back to the day they met, to their first kiss, the first time they held hands. First date, first movie date, first conversation. He had lied through it all. He wasn’t a boy, yet he wasn’t a girl. He was neither, and both. Something in between, something different. He was himself, he was Shouyou, a place where neither gender could lay claim to him. And he was comfortable with that most days. Most days that was enough for him.
But he knew that that might not be enough to make Tobio stay. Shouyou didn’t have a penis, he wasn’t biologically born a male. Tobio was gay—someone attracted to males and males only. And Shouyou wasn’t one of those people. What if Tobio left him because of it?
“Do you think that Tobio is that shallow?” Kenma’s words are patient, his fingers carding through Shouyou’s hair slowly, “Do you think so little of him? Don’t you trust him?”
The moment the doorbell rings, Shouyou is bursting out of his bedroom and rushing to the door, ignoring Tetsurou’s loud laughter at his actions. He pauses for a moment, smoothing his hands down his shirt before pulling the door open and giving his guest a bright smile, “Tobio!”
Tobio stands on the other side of the doorway, a small smile on his face as he steps into Shouyou’s apartment, “Why are you wearing jeans?” he says in lieu of a hello, “It’s movie night tonight, right?”
Shouyou scuffs his socked feet against the carpeted floor, eyes cast down for a brief moment before he’s looking back up at Tobio, a small smile on his lips, “I have to tell you something first!” When Tobio just looks at him, scowl on his face, Shouyou only beams brighter, “It’s important Tobio, I promise.”
His boyfriend only shakes his head before toeing off his shoes, allowing Shouyou to tug the two of them into Shouyou’s room, “Kenma and Tetsurou are home, so we’re using my room to talk, okay?”
Shoving Tobio into the room, Shouyou turns to close the door, a soft sigh parting his lips as he rests his forehead against the cool wood for a quick second. He can do this. He has to do this. He has to…he couldn’t lie any longer.
“Are you going to explain?” Tobio’s voice comes from behind him, and Shouyou starts, cursing under his breath at his jumpiness. He has to be calm for this, dammit, “Or are you just gonna sigh at the door all night?”
Shouyou turns to face his boyfriend with a sheepish grin, running his hand through his hair, “Um,” he says as he finds Tobio just awkwardly standing in his room. If the situation wasn’t so tense, Shouyou would have laughed at how out of place the man looked. With his punk band shirt and dark wash jeans clashing with the pastel colors that float around Shouyou’s room. It was amusing for sure. Maybe Shouyou would make fun of him later. If all went well with this conversation, that is, “You might want to sit down?”
Tobio gives him a look but takes a seat at the edge of Shouyou’s bed, dark clothing a stark contrast to the pale blue comforter and cream sheets. Shouyou takes a step away from the door, trying his hardest to control his breathing.
He could totally do this. He could totally…do this.
Silence descends upon the room, and Shouyou can feel the air turn from cool and comforting to hot and stifling, until Shouyou can’t breathe. He can’t breathe, and he can’t do this. He would rather get run over by a train, by a bus, by a car, by anything. He rather be shot—killed in some freak shooting, some bank robbery—then tell Tobio anything right now. He rather…do anything else than be there. Oh god, he couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.
“Shouyou,” Tobio’s voice breaks through the dark thoughts that are quickly multiplying in his head, and Shouyou finds himself standing in the middle of his room, hands clutched on either side of his head. His breathing is harsh, his gasping breaths the only sound in the room. Tobio’s words were soft in a way that Shouyou didn’t expect him to be. He expected harsh words and a caring gesture. And even then, he wasn’t counting on that.
He was expecting to have words spit in his face, his heart stepped on and kicked until it’s broken and bleeding on the ground—like it has so many times before. Shouyou was expecting to be left all alone again.
“Hey,” Tobio speaks again, and Shouyou’s eyes snap up to meet warm and inviting midnight blue eyes, “Shouyou come here.” His arms are open, inviting. Waiting for him.
Shouyou isn’t sure how he got from the middle of his room to Tobio’s arms, but one second he’s standing still, feet rooted to the ground out of fear, and the next he’s in Tobio’s arms, shuddering breaths leaving his chest heaving. Tobio wastes no time in crushing Shouyou in a tight hug, and for a second Shouyou can swear that his boyfriend can feel his breasts through his shirt, but Tobio says nothing. Just squeezes him tight until Shouyou’s breaths return to normal.
“I’m sorry,” he says into Tobio’s shirt, hands coming up to push at Tobio’s shoulders so he could take a step back, “I’m so sorry, Tobio. I didn’t mean…I didn’t want,” he trails off, dropping his gaze to the ground as he takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”
A snort breaks the short lived silence that settles between the two of them, and Shouyou finds himself watching Tobio cover his mouth to hide the smile on his face. It drops moments later, and Shouyou sees the normal scowl that was always present on his boyfriend’s face, “I don’t know what you’re sorry for, you asshole.” Tobio says, shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t know what you’re so fucking scared of, if you don’t tell me. So talk to me, Shouyou. I’ll decide if you have to be sorry or not.”
Shouyou laughs at that, taking another step back so he can settle on the bed next to Tobio, pressing the tips of his fingers together, “I’m…I’m not a boy,” he finally—finally—confesses, his eyes darting around the room for a moment before searching Tobio’s face for any signs of anger.
Instead all he sees is confusion, “What?”
“I’m not a boy?” Shouyou tries again, but the look of confusion doesn’t leave Tobio’s face, “I wasn’t born male, I don’t identify as a male all the time, I don’t have a dick? I don’t use a urinal? I don’t know how else you want me to put that, Tobio? I’m not a boy, it doesn’t get clearer than that!” Shouyou ends in a shout, surprising himself. He looks away from Tobio, muttering a soft sorry as he heaves in a deep breath, “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. For lying to you for these past three months. I shouldn’t have gone on that first date, I shouldn’t have said yes to dating you, I shouldn’t have—”
“What do you identify as then?” Tobio cuts him off and Shouyou gaze snaps up to meet dark blue. This time its confusion that is all over Shouyou’s face. He was expecting yelling, cursing. Throwing things, maybe a punch to his face, or something. Not this…calm…bewilderment. Not these calm words. Not this. He wasn’t expecting any of this.
“Look,” Tobio sighs as his fingers run through his hair, eyes scanning the room for a moment before settling back onto Shouyou, “I’m not going to pretend I understand what you’re talking about—because I fucking don’t—so stop freaking out that I didn’t freak out and fucking tell me. Or something.” Another sigh, “I don’t like seeing you upset, so calm down, dumbass.”
Shouyou just continues to stare at him, eyes blinking owlishly. Tobio—his broad shouldered, 6 foot tall boyfriend with almost as many piercings as Kenma—had defied every expectation Shouyou had put forth. After a moment of silence Shouyou makes a sound in the back of his throat and nods his head. He licks his lips before parting them, managing to get half a word out before the door to his bedroom flies open to reveal Kenma and Tetsurou before it bounces off the wall and smacks Tetsurou in the face.
“Fuck!” Tetsurou curses, rubbing his nose as he strides into the room, Kenma quietly laughing as they trail behind, “That hurt.”
“That’s what you get for not knocking,” Shouyou grumbles, standing from the bed to make sure that Tetsurou hadn’t broken his nose. That would have been a damn disaster, “Why are you here?” he asks Kenma as he tugs the injured Tetsurou down to his level, swatting his hands away to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“To make sure you were okay,” Kenma answers easily, “It seems our concerns were not needed. “
“Yeah!” Tetsurou winces when Shouyou presses too hard against the bridge of his nose, and Shouyou makes a snide comment under his breath before he’s pinching Tetsurou’s nose.
“Why didn’t you knock?” he demands of the taller man, a pout making his lips seem fuller than they really were, “You could have easily knocked, Tetsurou.”
“We wanted to tell you,” Tetsurou’s voice is nasally, trying to pull Shouyou’s fingers off his nose with no such luck. He whines and shoots a look at Kenma, who only shrugs, “to tell you that we were going to a movie.”
Taking mercy on his friend, Shouyou hums and releases Tetsurou’s nose, smiling innocently at the wounded look he is given, “Oh that is all?”
“Yep!” Tetsurou takes a few steps back, grabbing onto Kenma’s elbow to pull them along, “So kids, don’t get too frisky while—” he cuts himself off with a laugh and quickly makes his escape before Shouyou can get his hands on him again.
Shouyou stands there, arms crossed in front of his chest as he sighs. It is only when he hears the front door close does he turn back to Tobio, flashing a wide smile, “Want to sit on the couch?”
“So…” Shouyou begins as they collapse against the couch cushions. He meets Tobio’s gaze with a small smile before he’s biting the skin off his bottom lip.
“Stop that, what the fuck,” Tobio reaches forward and curls his fingers gingerly around Shouyou’s wrist, a furrow in his brow. Before Shouyou can comment that he can do what he wants, soft lips are pressed against his for the smallest of moments, Tobio’s tongue laving against Shouyou’s abused bottom lip.
While the kiss didn’t last long it did soothe some of Shouyou’s nerves, and he gave Tobio a much brighter smile than the one only minutes prior.
“You were saying,” Tobio presses after a beat of silence, “You’re not a boy?”
“Ah,” Shouyou hums, thinking his next words over in his head for a moment, “Yeah, I’m not a boy.”
He gets a hard pinch to the back of his hand, and Shouyou whimpers at the flash of pain, “Stop being a fuck,” his boyfriend huffs, “and explain it. We’re wasting movie time.”
Shouyou shrugs, not sure how else he can word it, “Honestly, I’m not a boy?” he ignores Tobio’s glare and moves his hands to clasp one of Tobio’s between his own, “I was born with a vagina. I still have a vagina.”
The words seem to click in Tobio’s brain and his lips make an o shape. Shouyou would have laughed if it wasn’t for the fact that there was a very real possibility that Tobio would just get up and walk out the door.
“I’ve never felt right growing up,” Shouyou explains, “being called a girl and all. But I didn’t like the idea of being a boy either. Everything felt wrong to me. Some days I was fine with the idea that I would have boobs when I got older, but other days I wanted a penis like my mother had told my boys had. Shouyou laughs, pulling his hands away from Tobio’s, “Jr. high was a tough time, to be honest. I didn’t really understand what I was feeling until about my freshman year of high school. I met Kenma and Tetsurou then. They helped.”
“Are they girls too?” Tobio blurts out, and Shouyou watches his eyes widen as a flush creeps onto his cheeks.
He can’t stop the light laugh that bubbles out of his mouth, shaking his head, “No. No they aren’t girls. Tetsurou is a boy. He’s different than me, but he’s very much a boy. And Kenma is just…they are just Kenma.”
“They? I don’t—” Tobio starts to ask another question, but Shouyou cuts him off with a stern look.
“I stumbled on the word genderfluid in my freshman year of high school, and the moment I read the definition I felt all the mismatched pieces of my life click into place. I understood in that instant that that was what I was. Something neither male nor female, something based entirely on myself. Something I will only ever truly understand.” Shouyou pauses his story with a smile, lowing his gaze to stare at his fingers while Tobio thumbs away the tears on his cheeks.
“You okay?” Tobio asks carefully, and Shouyou can tell that he’s torn between comforting him and letting him continue his story. Before he can make a choice either way, Shouyou nods and wipes at his cheeks, smearing tears across his skin.
“Just because I know what I was, just because I was comfortable in my own skin, didn’t mean other people suddenly knew that I was different, that I was outside the gender norm. I dated straight girls—only for them to leave me because I couldn’t satisfy them like a real man. I dated straight men, only for them to dump me when they realized I had no issues standing up to their shitty actions and horrid jokes. Some cared for me, honestly, but when I trusted them enough to tell them how I was different they laughed in my face. Called me weird. Even the ones who told me it was okay left in the end. They all left, in the end.” Shouyou sees Tobio open his mouth to speak, but he shakes his head, a frown pulling at the corners of his lips.
“Shouyou…” Tobio says anyways. Shouyou ignores him.
“For a while I dated lesbians. That seemed to work. Many were supportive of my genderfluid identity; I even met a few that were unsure if they were truly a girl. Though in the end, every relationship I was in with a lesbian turned into one that was more built on friendship then relationship, if you know what I mean.” Shouyou laughs, a soft sound that hangs in the air long after the original sound had stopped, “We always parted on good terms, a mutual thing to stay in touch. I do stay in touch. I help them with dating, with fashion, with life advice.” A shrug, “I’m good at that sort of thing.”
Silence fills the air once again, and Shouyou is about to wipe the tears off his face when Tobio is shifting toward him, a grim set to his lips, “Tobio what—” his question is silenced when their lips meet, and Shouyou breaths deeply through his nose, kissing his boyfriend back with fervor. A choked sob sounds from his throat, when Tobio pulls away only to collect Shouyou in his arms and press him against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” Shouyou says through his tears, “I don’t cry this much, I promise.”
“I won’t leave you,” Tobio says as his reply, arms tightening around Shouyou’s body, “I won’t…I promise you. If anything ever happens, this will not be the reason.”
Shouyou turns his head and presses his face against the soft fabric of Tobio’s shirt, muffling his next sob.
“I still am confused but,” Shouyou can feel Tobio shrug followed by a noncommittal hum, “I didn’t start dating you for your body. I mean…it helps. But your personality is refreshing.” A beat of silence, “I’ll get used to it.”
“Tobio…” Shouyou wiggles his way out of his boyfriend’s—still his boyfriend he didn’t leave!—arms grinning as he quickly wiped away his tears, “thank you. Thank you I just…”
Tobio shrugs again and Shouyou presses a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth, “Can we watch movies now?” he asks. Shouyou can only laugh, kissing Tobio again before scrambling off the couch and showing the movies he had planned for the night.
They are halfway through Howl’s Moving Castle—Shouyou tucked under Tobio’s arm, his legs curled on the couch and his body warm where it pressed against his boyfriend’s—when Tobio spoke for the first time since the movie had started.
“You’re going to have to teach me how to eat you out.” He says, as if it’s the most normal thought to have in the middle of a Ghibli film.
The squawk and resounding smack that echo in the apartment, followed by a growl and a high whine of apology follow soon after Tobio’s statement, and if they had to rewatch the movie after an impromptu lesson on breasts then…well. That was okay.