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“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The simple words uttered to Father Gordon had been spoken many times over by various parish members. He never denied wanderers the opportunity to participate in his confessional booth. For him, this was a moment of true penance for those who needed real help. He carried the weighty responsibility to aid his parish on its path of holiness, a responsibility he took with utmost seriousness. This voice- though- is new.
Father Gordon had seen his fair share of struggling parishioners on his pews. He had seen them on the streets the days before, begging for help or a miracle. Some of the wanderers, he noted, received true holy insight from his sermons every Sunday. Some had turned their lives around. For the young parishioner next to him- Adam, as he had introduced himself one Sunday- he wasn’t sure what his life was like.
“Father, I’m not sure I know how to confess. I haven’t done this since I was a kid,” Adam admitted on the other side of the screen. His voice trembled with nervousness and a deep longing for absolution. “It’s been too long since I’ve admitted to doing anything- to realizing my sins, I guess. I'm scared.”
Lawrence understood the difficulty for what it was worth. He had lost faith in his teenage years. He was lost and confused for a time, his head turned against him, leading him astray from what he knew was right. He understood how Adam may have felt his first time back at confession. The nerves ate away at him his first time back too.
“I understand your fears. Returning to something so official when you’ve been gone is hard. Remember, First Corinthians tells us that we must firmly hold our faith. Have courage and be strong,” Father Gordon nodded solemnly as he spoke those engrained words. “This is a sacred space. I’m here to listen, acknowledge your sins, and guide you through God’s path.”
Lawrence could hear Adam’s nervous breathing on the other side of the screen. The tell-tale clack of his heel on the floor made his anxiety known.
“I think my life has been a series of f-” Adam stops himself, clearing his throat before continuing. “...Screw-ups.”
“The Lord’s Grace is here for us regardless of the extent of our sins. Even the apostle Paul struggled with his sins. The Lord spoke to him and said his strength was made perfect in moments of weakness,” Lawrence cleared his throat before relaxing back in his seat. “Confession is all about humility. Admitting your sins is hard. No one can change that.”
Adam shifted around again.
“Is it humility if I don’t really think it was wrong?”
Lawrence turned to the thin wall between the two of them. It wasn’t often that a parishioner admitted that their sins weren’t wrong . Lawrence knew this could happen when it came to the grey areas of sin- things that can’t be decidedly wrong or right. Adam’s admittance of this intrigued Lawrence. He nodded his head before speaking.
“Humility is up to you, really. Laying yourself bare before another person- specifically a conduit between you and the Lord- is an act of pure humility for some. Tell me, what is it that you’re thinking about?”
Adam’s sigh was loud through the thin wall.
“I took a job to pay my bills,” he mumbled, almost too quietly. “It was just a small thing- getting a picture of someone who was lying about an insurance claim. It didn’t affect me that much; I wanted to be a photographer. It didn’t bother me.”
Lawrence had watched Adam bring his camera to Mass plenty of times. He would take photos of the stained glass windows; sometimes, he stepped forward to take important pictures of celebrations at the altar. Lawrence knew he had an interest in it;
“When I realized how much money people would pay me to photograph people who were lying or cheating …” Adam trailed off, unsure of how to word his feelings. “I guess I took any opportunity I could to make money. I wasn’t the one threatening them, but I had the evidence. I found it. Is it that wrong to just…gather the information? Is it a sin, Father Gordon?”
Blackmail. Extortion?
Extortion turns a wise man into a fool. Lawrence could reference the verse to him- tell him what the Lord thought of extortion- but it didn’t apply to Adam. Adam gathered the information and gave it to the person who asked for it. Was Adam wrong? It may be a sin to act on your information, but did that extend to just gathering it, too?
“Do you believe you did something wrong?”
Adam’s shifts means Lawrence hit a soft spot.
“I…don’t know. I didn’t do anything but bring to light other people’s sins. I feel like I’m just one of the pawns in the plan. These were things that were already going on before I got involved- before I took the jobs, I mean,” He released an exasperated sigh before leaning forward, getting closer to the wall between them. “Cheating partners, insurance fraud; finding the evidence ruined people’s lives, Father Gordon. I expose sins for…money. I ruined lives over it. Isn’t that greed?”
Lawrence felt a twitch in his chest. Adam wasn’t wrong.
Was it Adam’s fault that these problems were being brought to light? Were the sins his to atone for? How much of this was Adam’s responsibility?
Lawrence, for the first time, couldn’t decide.
He looked down at his rosary, bringing a hand down to rub the smooth beads between his fingers.
“I am not sure.”
Adam’s breath hitched in his throat. Lawrence could feel the stillness between them.
“Not…sure?”
Lawrence shook his head.
“I…believe it is a moral standing. I don’t know if it’s fair to judge you from God’s…perspective.”
“But you have to give me some guidance, Father. I don’t know if this is right. Please, I-”
“Come back tomorrow.”
He turned to the small wall between them, brow furrowed in contemplation.
“I will…reflect on this tonight. Meet me back here tomorrow. I will have an answer for you then.”
When Father Gordon returned to his office, he opened the Scriptures. God did not speak on moral greyness. It was a fact that Lawrence learned all too quickly as he flipped through pages, referencing as many passages as he could. The Lord spoke on doing to others as you would have done unto you. Evil things come from within- they defile you. What does it mean to someone exposing those sins?
His fingers traced along the leather spine of his book as he tapped his shoe into the floor. A priest was supposed to have the answers. How was it that one parishioner had fooled him into an unanswerable question?
If Adam had been just a pawn, how could the sin be his responsibility? How could Lawrence reasonably tell Adam that this was his to repent for? The questions spun around his head as he contemplated Adam’s innocence- or lack thereof. He looked down at his watch, saw the time and sighed.
Maybe it was fate that his phone rang. He reached over, pulling it off the hook before clearing his throat.
“Father Gordon speaking.”
“Reverend, it’s Father Kramer,” the voice on the other side said, a slight smile to his voice. “I felt compelled to call you.”
Lawrence lit up at that, smiling back at the phone. “The Lord works in mysterious ways, Reverend. I could use your guidance.”
“I am always willing to listen. Speak to me.”
“During confession, I spoke with a parishioner who was…unsure of their sins. I fear I may be stuck on how to best aid them in their path to the Lord.”
John hummed in acknowledgment. “If you can’t answer, then direct them to the Scriptures.”
“I don’t think it would help them either,” Lawrence admits, fiddling with his watch. “I fear it’s far more complex.”
He sits back in his chair, staring at the ceiling above him. “If you aid in someone’s plan to expose those who sin- truly sin- are you just as sinful? Is there a distinction between aiding and acting? Is it your sin to repent for if you've been used?”
There’s a moment of silence on the other end of the line. Father Kramer had helped Lawrence with his problems before. Lawrence turned to him in times of unease and hardship. Hearing the older man at a loss for words helped him feel that the question was truly that complex.
“The Lord asks us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Depending on your relationship to the sin- how close it is to your heart- then aiding in the matter may result in your own sins being exposed,” John coughed for a moment before letting out a slight chuckle. “That may not be what they wish to hear.”
Lawrence nodded. “I thought on that. I assume they would understand that. In this case, the parishioner is already repenting for what they have aided in. It isn’t that they are doing something wrong, just aiding in the exposure. I fear I can’t explain our views on karma as a worthwhile answer.”
“Every action we do, good or bad, does result in some reward or punishment. It’s divine justice. What you give, you get back,” John pauses once more before continuing. “Though, can they truly be that innocent if they were still participating? If they acknowledge involvement, then they can repent- even if they’ve been used.”
Lawrence nods, running a hand through his hair. “They did. It has been acknowledged- they know what they’re doing. They could repent for that.”
“It isn’t that easy. In the end, it is up to you to decide what you tell the parishioners. Do you have your answer?”
Lawrence nodded, Father Kramer’s words still running through his mind. It wasn’t easy. Though, now, he could tell Adam something.
“Yes. Thank you, Reverend.”
Lawrence sat in the confessional the next day and waited for Adam with bated breath. His rosary sat on his lap, shiny beads glinting at him from below. He tensed up as he heard the clack of heels approaching the booth. As the body beside him got settled, he welcomed them.
“May the Lord be with you. Speak and you will be heard.”
“Father, it’s- well, do I need to say the words again?”
Lawrence shakes his head at Adam’s uncertainty.
“No, it’s fine. I have an answer for you.”
The man tenses on the other side of the wall. As Lawrence grabs his rosary, he nods confidently to himself. Adam speaks first.
“I think I need to tell you something, Father.”
Lawrence pauses, turning to the wall.
“Oh, yes. Speak.”
“My most recent assignment opened my eyes, Father. I don’t think I should stop what I’m doing,” Adam seemed much more confident than before. “I think I’m doing the Lord’s work, seriously.”
Lawrence tilted his head. “How so?”
Adam looks around for a moment before leaning closer to the wall. “My most recent assignment was a Holy Man, Father. Like you.”
Lawrence tensed at Adam’s assertion.
“He seemed so righteous and clean. I…found out he wasn’t. I think it’s something that made me realize that even those who are so holy can harbor sin. Am I wrong for helping expose it? Maybe.”
Lawrence looked down at his hands, balling his robes into his fists.
“You aren’t that holy- are you, Father?”
Lawrence closed his eyes tightly.
“Maybe you have the same problems that the other priest did. I think…I have something that may interest you, Father.”
Lawrence couldn’t hear him. No amount of Hail Mary’s could save him.
“Does your wife know about her?”