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At the school fair, Jaeyi had seen her sister Jena. Then Seulgi got hurt, she ran to the hospital and stitched her up. Jaeyi was so scared, as she ran there, she just had to let Seulgi know, somehow...
“Lately, I’ve been imagining what it would be like... If you died.”
But as she mentioned the late father, Seulgi had turned her back on her. Didn’t she realise what Jaeyi was trying to tell her? Then Jena followed her and tased her, made demands...
Everything seemed to be going sideways.
It was hard to sleep at all, the nights that followed.
Until... Jaeyi was there again. The bridge, the armor, the sinking... It was like coming home. She let it all wash over her. The muffled sound of water soothed her. Her lungs seemed thankful for the break. The armor was an anchor. Most of all, her mind was clear and quiet. Father and Jena could never reach her here. Jaeyi felt free. Safe.
That is, until she heard this growing gurgling near her, felt the movement of the water breaking her stillness. The murmur seemed to be getting closer. Jaeyi opened her eyes, fearful. The only peace she had ever known could be disrupted after all.
But she was met with a vision that soothed her once more. Seulgi, slightly above her, sank slowly to the bottom, until her body stilled in front of her. She was in the school uniform skirt and white top. Her eyes closed when she sat on the sandy floor, in a mirrored position to Jaeyi’s. The thing is, Seulgi had no armor. Her own body had sunk with no fight. Seulgi hugged her knees. Her scars, on the chest and shoulder, looked ever so soft in the faint underwater glow.
The solitude of this place had been peaceful to Jaeyi until this moment. But the person in front of her felt like no invader. Somehow, Jaeyi felt that this improved the sense of stillness. Nothing could get them here. Jaeyi grabbed Seulgi’s hands.
That morning, Jaeyi woke up feeling rested. She remembered the last time it had happened, when they had a sleepover. Jaeyi had that exact same dream, over a year later. That time, she needed no armor to let herself sink. Jaeyi just held someone’s hands instead...
Seulgi had been having trouble falling asleep. Or staying asleep. Or feeling sleepy, until her body finally crumbled for the day. She just stared at the dark ceiling for hours at a time, feeling empty and stupid. It had been like this for weeks since Jaeyi had disappeared that fateful night...
Getting the high school diploma wasn’t too hard, even with little to no sleep. Seulgi had been preparing for the much harder entrance exams. But her sleep became worse again once Jaeyi’s father started lurking around a few months later. He must have hoped that Seulgi knew more than him about...
Seulgi focused all her mental energy on studying for next year’s entrance exams. There was really not much else to do. Her crazy classmates had all graduated, the younger kids didn’t really know her. Kyung texted sometimes, but she was busy being a Law School freshman. But apparently, Yeri did get her to quit the pills. Seulgi heard that Byeong-jin had been arrested after some of the angry parents had accused him of drug-dealing to the police.
All of it seemed so pointless after Jaeyi’s disappearance. She was still unsure what had been going on in Jaeyi’s heart back then, but Jaeyi had been rooting for her to pass the exams, even helping in her own twisted way... This was her ticket to a better life. A life where she could finally have some control, and protect herself from others. So, Seulgi just studied.
Quitting the pills and all the studying were actually helping with the sleeping, now that things were calmer. The repetitive nature of the study materials managed to get her back in that safe underwater bubble... But sometimes, her accidental naps gave her strange dreams. It had been a year already...
Seulgi was holding Jaeyi’s warm hand through the forest, until Jaeyi let go... The distant sound of waves was muffled by Seulgi’s yelling. Then she woke up. It seemed that there was a recurring character in her dreams. Seulgi wondered if Jaeyi had ever dreamt of her, like she did. Was Jaeyi still alive, or just in her dreams now? Seulgi chose to believe she was out there, somewhere. But it was better not to think too hard about it...
Seulgi got up and undressed to put on her pyjamas. It was the third time she had dozed off at her desk that evening. Might as well call it a day. She stopped mid-motion, staring through the mirror at the scar along her belly. It had healed nicely, but it was impossible to ignore it... Seulgi traced her fingers over it, felt the unnatural drawings that her skin had become, as if it would bring her a bit closer to Jaeyi.
The way things had gone down... Plan B... Jaeyi’s solo plan and Seulgi’s interference... All of it be damned. Seulgi just wanted to see her once more, to know that Jaeyi’s alright. But all that was left of her were scars and an uniform she’d grown out of.
Seulgi traced the disformed skin once more, remembering Jaeyi's laser focus as she operated on Seulgi's stomach, as Seulgi had later watched in the video that had been released to the press. Seulgi wondered what had been going through Jaeyi's mind as her hands worked carefully, delicately on her. Maybe to be cared for is to be touched. Maybe to be touched is to be changed...
The next day, Seulgi had the same dream. The front-door bell rang her awake.