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“So… you gotta tell me about getting thrown out of summer camp.” Karlach says, nudging Tav where she’s laying against her arm as they relax on the couch in the evening. She can’t help but imagine, given Tav, that it’s brutal and funny. “You bite a councilor or what?”
Tav bookmarks her place and puts her book on the table as Karlach turns off and puts down her game system “Oh if I’d JUST bitten a councilor it probably wouldn’t have been a problem. Morion went to the same camp for several years and did that a couple times and yeah he got in trouble, yeah, but… it still worked out. I mean I also already had before… stuff happened.” There’s sort of a hesitance to her voice, but it makes Karlach all the more curious.
“Did you even like going to camp? I always wanted to go but mum and dad couldn’t swing it. Sounded exciting!”
“Oh… sort of. I liked camping and hiking and swimming… all the active stuff running around and playing sports and stuff. Being in the woods and in the lake was great. I hated crafts and team-building and singing stupid songs and having to play nice with other kids who didn’t like me anyway. The councilors didn’t like when I ran off to do my own thing, and I wasn’t inclined to be threatened by them into behaving.”
“Yeah you and authority and all.”
Tav nods, thoughtfully. “Well… it all built to a head about a month into the three months I was supposed to be there and it… well I would have thrown me out too, I guess. There wasn’t really anything else they could have done but… I don’t really think what happened was… very fair.”
“I mean you were what, ten?”
“Yeah, just a kid. The camp was for kids ages seven to fifteen. Pretty busy too – fair amount of kids from all over.”
“So you’ve said, yeah.”
Tav nestles in against Karlach’s arm, holding her hand. “So the camp had this… thing. At the end of every month there’s this special dinner performance, with some sort of music or something, and food that’s more lavish (real onion rings, big fat burgers, ordered-in pizza, that kind of thing) than the usual school caffeteria-grade stuff. Anyway, this month they’d brought in some sort of group I didn’t know but I guess were pretty popular in the pre-teen set, and it was going to have some sort of audience interaction element. To try to keep us orderly and behaved, they set up the whole caffetorium area with assigned seating at assigned tables and stuff. You’d be given a ticket with a place setting and you were supposed to stay there. If you were going to be part of the audience participation it was pre-assigned and printed on your ticket, which you were supposed to hang on to so you and the band knew vaguely (it only said ‘audience participant’ and the seat number) that you were involved.”
“Sounds like fun!”
Tav gives her a sort of sad look “I’d already been such a problem to this point. I’d run off a few times, I’d fought other kids… lots of times, pulled some pranks, dome some stupid things, I was a known issue and most of the councilors didn’t like me very much. I got… one of those special tickets (I think, because it was randomly assigned – I don’t think anyone would have done it on purpose), and I was trying so SO hard to be good. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t know what it involved because I didn’t know the band and it made me nervous to be put on the spot around other kids I knew didn’t like me. But… I guess I had just decided I was going to TRY this time, because at least maybe the BAND would think well enough of me. Anyway… I knew I was supposed to hold on to that ticket but… in a moment where I wasn’t paying attention one of the other kids at my table managed to tear it enough that it was pretty damaged. It wasn’t on purpose I don’t think, or that would have made me mad but… I knew it was important so before things started while other kids were still getting seated I was going to try to fix it. After asking several adults what to do – I went to the councilor at the door who was in charge of tickets to ask her for a new printed copy, and she did try to help but… she was very very bad with the computer. And after what felt like ages and multiple tries she’d not managed to print anything of use, and it was getting late for me to be where I was supposed to be (but I was trying) so… she noticed the band was just showing up and told me to just tell them that I was one of the participants and that would be fine. It’s… sort of nerve-wracking as a kid when you’re trying to impress someone you don’t even know because you know they’re… some kind of important. But I did manage to talk to the lead band member and now as an adult I know he wasn’t mad at me, just vaguely annoyed at having to remember one more thing. He did tell me it was ok and he’d remember, but it was with such a dismissive and irritated huff that it just… hurt me to my core. I was doing what I was told to do! I was following adult instruction as best I could – and it still wasn’t any good.”
Karlach shifts to put her arm around Tav, who curls up closer against her chest.
“I slunk back to where I was supposed to be, but by that point the sound people were setting up and they were blasting some music and testing equipment that was getting the other kids riled – it was LOUD in there. Lots of yelling and the food was starting to come to the table, and it was a lot of smell and mess and my chest hurt and everything was just too too much. I was… I was trying to be good but that was all too much so I just slipped outside to try to get some air and put my head between my knees for a while. Of course this was an EVENT for all the kids, but also for the councilors too, really (especially the younger ones who were just older teens themselves), so no one was really keeping an eye out when I very quietly went out a back door (which, to be fair, I don’t think anyone expected any kids to leave by). And outside in the dusk air… it was a pretty, foggy evening in the long sunset of summer, light cool and air clean… after sitting and pulling my hair a while I just sort of gave up on trying. It seems like… maybe not much in retrospect but it felt like I just… couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be good about things – I was too anxious and upset. So I did the only thing that seemed like it would feel good, and I went down to the lake, stripped down, and got in the water, swimming the whole time whatever was going on in the stupid caffetorium. It… it was nice. Cool, calm, refreshing. It was a huge relatively clear lake and I could swim and float and just be. OF course, it wasn’t like my absent ass wasn’t going to go unnoticed forever, and after sunset I heard councilors frantically calling for me. Someone had apparently finally decided to check the lake – even though I was already known to sneak off there… and whooooo boy were they MAD. It’s understandable I guess – I could have been lost or dead, and here I was just fucking about having a little night swim. They were led by one of the head councilors I’d already bitten because she tended to grab kids to force them to do things, and I HATED that. Drag me by the arm? I’ll fucking bite you. She hollered and cursed and screamed for me to come back to shore but I just swam out further telling her I wasn’t going to come because I knew she’d yell at me. Well… I didn’t THINK she’d try to swim out then and there but she did, and I may have been fast and strong for my age but I was still ten. I put up a hell of a fight when she finally managed to grab me, and she just about half drowned me in the process. I gave as good as I got though, and we were both scratched up, bleeding, and bruised by the time she hauled me out to shore, demanded I get dressed and frog-marched me to the office only stopping to let me cough up water along the way.”
Karlachs’ expression is one of mild horror of treating a kid like that, sure Tav was being defiant but she’s a good swimmer and would probably have come back of her own accord with a more gentle approach. She squeezes Tav a bit, who responds by pressing into her a little more in return.
“Well… THAT was that then – that was too much. They called my parents to pick me up in the morning, while I sat there listening to the difficult phone conversation, embarrassed, wet, and cold. They were going to have me sleep on the nurse’s office cot to better keep an eye on me for the night, and drug me off there without dinner – but now not only upset… I was hurt, cold, hungry, and SCARED. I waited patiently, not sleeping, until things sounded pretty well settled in the building, before slipping, once again naked for my own reasons, out the window (the camp uniforms were a horrible texture and I refused to sleep in it – and I guess no one thought of or wanted to bring me my own clothes from my bunk.) They were watching the door and the window was narrow and high, but it was well within my ability to climb to and get out of. I did pretty rapidly get spotted by someone making night rounds, but with a head start and no concern for safety at this point, I dashed off into the woods getting myself up the highest tree I knew of. It wasn’t an easy tree to get into, and I could get very very high. It was near dawn before they even found a ladder that allowed the first couple councilors to try to get to me – but full sized adults and bigger teens couldn’t get high enough to even grab at my legs. There was so much yelling but I wasn’t really processing it at that point. I’d just climb a little higher if it sounded too close. The yelling did eventually stop… turning to pleading and coercion. In the early morning I heard them get Morion to try to see if HE could coax (or pull) me down. I didn’t hear this, but he tells me he took one look at the situation and said ‘she’s not going to come down’ and went back to his cabin, nonplussed. No one asked him anything further. I guess there was talk of seeing if other campers could try to get me down but… most of them knew better than to try me at this point, and anyway it wasn’t an easy tree to climb. My parents arrived mid-morning (it was… a long drive from home and they had only gotten news that I had slipped AGAIN after sunrise… I guess this situation probably didn’t look very good for the camp either) and the yelling started again. I couldn’t respond anymore at this point, I just sat up there, and sometimes climbed just a little bit higher. I felt a little better with the sun, as I started to warm up a bit, but that just emboldened me to stay put. Also… even as out of it as I was I knew I was in more trouble than I could possibly ever make up for. My parents’ yelling also turned to pleading and coercion as the day passed. By the afternoon it was just hoarse, worried chatter, and talks of who to call for help – I’m told the biggest concern was that more aggressive intervention could made me fall or maybe even jump, and the tree I’d chosen was fairly remote and on difficult terrain to use any kind of vehicle (like a fire truck or cherrypicker). Dad left for a little bit, I later found out, to go to the nearest’ town’s grocery store, and mom got most of the councilors to back off. Dad was back by evening with a borrowed camp stove, and set to work baking up his stove-top upside-down apple cake, full of really fragrant and enticing spices. When mom left for a little for… some reason, getting the last couple councilors to come with her, I finally gave in. The food smelled SO good and I’d not had anything to eat in the last day and a half. I couldn’t… say anything to dad, but he quietly got me a slice of it and I ate it messily – sticky and ravenous from all this effort of swimming and climbing. I ate pretty much the whole thing, slice by slice. He… told me later I was a fright. Two days without sleep, a day and a half without food, bruised, scratched, dirty, shivering – naked, wild-eyed, and non-verbal. He… did tell me he’d been mad on the drive over, but now just wanted to get me home – he wasn’t going to make me apologize or anything, and he and mom already had my stuff ready to go. I just crawled over and sat on his lap, curled into him, I didn’t want anything by this point except to not get yelled at (though I couldn’t convey that to him). He didn’t really hug me… that wasn’t really how he did, but he let me stay for a while. I hate to think what he must have thought of his fucked-up kid, but… at least he was telling the truth about not making me talk to anyone at camp again. Mom was still a little more cross when she got back but she didn’t yell at me either… more of the ‘we were so worried’ fussing. They just got me to the car and took me home – I slept the whole way in dad’s oversized jacket.” She’s shaking a little just remembering it.
“Oh… Tav.” Karlach says, pulling Tav on to her lap. She limply complies, sitting on Karlach’s thighs, forehead pressed against her cheek.
“Of course my parents had heard the councilor's side of things – that I’d defiantly left a special dinner where I had been given a unique privilege to just go play in the lake, caused a safety issue by not coming to shore, physically fought a councilor, drawing blood, escaped a reasonable attempt at incarceration because I was a risk to myself, then caused another safety issue and caused a scene. To say nothing of being too old to keep being naked and biting. I was willful, defiant, rude, violent, and difficult. Not untrue – and my parents never asked my side, but… they also didn’t bring it up again, really. I think… while they were never good at understanding me, that they knew this was more than just me trying to be a problem. I had ignored too much physical need in a dangerous effort to feel safe. When we got home… well I was too big to be carried to bed, so they rousted me, and let me just go back to sleep in my bed to wash up in the morning. That was… a good bath. Later they put me to work doing intense house chores (which I never really minded – did laundry and dishes and floors and windows) for the next couple days as they tried to figure out what to do with me for the rest of the summer. Eventually they just took me to the library on the weekends to pick out as many books as I wanted and let me read while they went to work as normal. I didn’t cause any more major problems that summer, and thankfully the camp was remote enough that it didn’t make the news or anything. I’m sure… some new safety protocols went into effect though. I don’t know.”
Karlach just squeezes her tighter. It’s kindof a funny story, from the outside – a defiant kid who climbed a tree and refused to come down and got banned from summer camp. A real iconoclast. From the inside it’s a kid who doesn't yet know their own body or mind getting scared out of their wits enough to risk life and limb to try to find some comfort or relief. Karlach reaches under Tav’s shirt and strokes her back in soft, long repetition she knows Tav finds particularly soothing.
“You’re not ‘fucked-up’, by the way.” She says, softly.
“No, I’m not, but I don’t know that my parents ever truly saw that. They were loving, they weren't unkind, but they weren’t always so understanding.”
“Sounds like your dad was at least trying to be.”
Tav sighs, but nods “I mean, this is what started leading to the conversations of what they would do with me after grade school – I wasn’t meant for conventional education, and they weren't sure if I could learn a trade, or be an apprentice to something, and I was too young for a job which probably wouldn’t have gone any better than school anyway. They still had a couple years at this point to help me figure that out, but it was already a concern and they were trying to figure out how to not have this happen. I got meaner and worse in the following couple years… school was hard, kids are mean, my parents sometimes could only yell at me, but… yeah, they did try. They did try. The monastery was utter relief though.”
Karlach nods, thoughtfully, and they sit in a comfortable silence as Tav calms a little from re-living rough memory.
Given a bit of time Tav perks up a little, putting her arm around Karlach’s shoulder and touching her chest “Oh! Morion told me that councilor that grabbed me in the lake wasn’t back the next year though. She was pretty uh… quiet the rest of that season. I’m guessing she did get a pretty serious reprimand.”
“I’d certainly hope so.”
“It’s ok, I definitely left her with some permanent scars for her trouble.” Tav says, miming biting the meat of her thigh with her hand. “Hold me upside down in the water will you. See if your stupid khaki shorts do anything against my teeth.”
“HAH! I think your fight or flight dial is turned up to eleven, my dear… on the fight side, of course.”
“As is yours, love. I’d have you no other way.”
“We would have been a dangerous pair of kids together.” Says Karlach, trying to cheer Tav’s sore memories with gentle humor.
It works, as ever “oh absolutely – you even had the strength and size to back it up. I mean, I wasn’t little at ten, but I was still only a little over five feet tall and pretty lean and lanky. Not like I had the training I do now, either.”
“Hah no, just pure gut instinct. I do wonder if you would have fought more like me, given the chance.”
“Oh, I’m sure of it. It was there, it just got channeled off a little differently.” Tav softly kisses her cheek, calmed from memory and already excited to think about other things with Karlach, who kisses her forehead affectionately in return. They aren’t kids anymore, blessedly, and as adults they can weather out remembering the harsher moments of struggles growing up.
Tav chuckles “Oh, and, when Morion got home at the end of the summer, he brought me that wretched woman’s stupid green glitter pen. She was super precious about it, she’d get upset if it went missing, and used it for all of the notes and things she wrote up about us when we caused problems (and there were a lot of those about me). It had a stupid green fuzzy thing with googly eyes on top of it. Morion managed to steal it, and it… was very sweet of him. I ate the pencil topper.”
Karlach laughs hard, it’s a petty revenge, but definitely sweet.
~
After a little more time settled in quietly playing games and reading, Tav gets up to cook dinner, and they resume conversation, talking brightly on various things as Karlach goes to sit at the kitchen peninsula while Tav works.
As Tav dices vegetables and then meats to saute, she asks “Karlach, can you… tell me something from your childhood? Something nice? It’s hard to… remember better things sometimes.”
“Aw, hon… still in bad memory?”
“Not exactly, no, but it was a little more intense to think about than I thought it was going to be.”
“That’s fair… hm, let me think, but for sure for sure.”
“Of course, love, thank you.”
The kitchen is full of the merry sounds of chopping and sizzling as Karlach thinks a bit and Tav works. Tav’s bustling brings to mind the joy of her own family in the kitchen – the warmth and closeness of her own parents to her. “Have I told you about my sixth birthday?” Karlach asks, brightly.
“I don’t think so” says Tav, curious and eager for a story.
“Oh it was amazing – my parents truly went all out for me. You know we never had much – there was always food on the table (even if it was potatoes or rice and beans for the fifth time that week) and there was always a roof over our heads (even if we had to patch it every time it rained) but there wasn’t room for much else a lot of the time. Still though, mum and dad really really tried to do things for birthdays and holidays whenever they possibly could even if it was just small… both for me and each other. Dad would always surprise mum with something every big holiday and her birthday, it wasn’t much – carved wooden spoons he made himself, a pendant that was just glass and foil – but that looked so so pretty you’d never know or care, sweet soap… good coffee… a precious bottle of vanilla paste, and she’d do the same for him, making a chocolate cake, or getting him a NEW leather belt with a brass buckle, sewing him a new shirt with little birds embroidered on the collar...” She lists these off with a fond, far-away look that makes Tav smile, watching her speak. “They… and man for all we had so little, they always tried so hard for me. I didn’t know when I was that young but man… if I could thank them again now I would. I would.”
Tav stays quiet, but nods as she slices fruit for desert while dinner simmers.
“So six was… kindof a deal for me. I was old enough to be in school, and I had a number of little friends my age from our neighborhood and school. I was big enough to really start being involved in planning a party, and I was really hopeful my parents would let me have one – I’d been to some of my friends and they were really fun. I knew even then not to ask for much, I knew they would try, but I didn’t want… to be too much, but when they suggested that we could do something… oh I was so fucking excited. I was bouncing off the walls for a month! Mum and dad asked me what I wanted the theme to be and we had just been learning all kinds of stuff about the ocean at school (I was super into sharks – I found out they kept growing teeth forever and I’d check my mouth every other night to see if I had more teeth coming in). I think… I think it was a good choice – we made streamers and little decorations, yanno… just small stuff out of bits and pieces of paper and this and that, but when you’re five it’s easy to be proud of your handiwork, even if it’s crude – I think the little sharks I drew were ok though.”
“I’m sure it was excellent, love – for a five year old.”
“Hah, yeah I’d learned this little trick for drawing a smiley shark and I drew that on everything for a while – so of course there were a bunch of those all over the place with chalk. But anyway, mum had some totally spent scrap fabric that she made into jellies and seaweed to hang around, with cheap plastic string pearls as bubbles, and she made sure that there would be a good meal for everyone. That was all super lovely, but dad really went all out on his side of things. He enlisted the help of some of his buddies – and over several late-night evenings cobbled together a bunch of scrap plywood, dowels, and paint into a whole fishing game for my friends and I. It was the most simple carnival booth type thing – just a plywood screen basically, well taller than I was, big enough for dad or one or two of his buddies to hide behind. It was painted on the outside with all kinds of sea creatures, he’d even cut the top to look like waves. Somehow he’d even kept it a surprise from me, and oh man I was SO thrilled to see it even though I didn’t know what the game was yet (I thought he’d just made me the COOLEST full-sized playset anyone had ever seen.) But dad explained that us kids would have ‘fishing rods’ (dowels with a piece of string and a little not sharp hook on the end) and that we would cast them into the water (over the partition) and might catch something good. Well… mom had made all kinds of stuff the days before – potato candy, coconut ice, marshmallow treats, and the little… I dunno they involve powdered sugar and peacans and butter** – some kind of cookie? Anyway, we cast our lines over and we’d get a candy back from one of the adults sticking it on the hook and whooo boy it was a hit! Dad and his buddies back there also had a couple other tricks, occasionally they’d lift up a shark fin and have it bob by above the waves, and then you’d have to tug REALLY hard on your line to get your prize – that would bring you in close and then you might get hit with a mister (just a spray-bottle with some water). There was a whale tail too and if that was nearby you might actually get a doughnut on the line! Mom made those too – and they were super fresh, she had been frying them in the kitchen with her friends (I found out later) while we were playing. Oh oh, and the third thing was an octopus arm, and you had to run when that showed up because that meant the hose was gonna spray over the top! Oh man, it was just… it was such fun, the adults were cackling, we were getting hyped up on sugar, and just… ugh it was such a good birthday.”
Tav plates up dinner for both of them, handing Karlach her as she walks around the peninsula to sit next to her for dinner.
“Thank you, love.” Karlach tucks in to dinner eagerly – stir-fried beef and noodles with a ton of veggies and a rich brown sauce “Oh, and after we were all pretty well stuffed and the adults were getting tired, all of the sea monsters all rose up and my dad nudged me forward (it was one of his buddies manning things at the moment – he’d been having a great time of it) and I took one last cast – I pulled up my present to sprays of mist and the hose (and much adult cheering – they’d all had a few cheep beers by then). It was a stuffed whale mom made for me out of an old pair of jeans, and I LOVED it. Had that thing for years and years… loved it to bits.”
“That’s marvelous, love, just incredible. Your parents sound like they were really creative.”
“They had to be! But they made the most of it. This is really good, by the way!” She says, enthusiastically gesturing at her rapidly disappearing dinner.
Tav, warmed by food and Karlach’s storytelling, bows her head in appreciation with a smile “Thank you. I’m very glad you like it.” Karlach’s full and earnest heart still amazes her, that she’s been through so much but still loves so freely and genuinely, memories of warmth and love unharmed by her years of pain and loneliness.
~
After a good dinner and a good screw, curled up contentedly in bed, they talk a little before sleep, Tav with her cheek against Karlach’s chest, Karlach holding her close.
“I’m still kinda reeling from what you told me earlier” says Karlach, half lost in her own thoughts.
“Mm?”
“It’s just… I can’t stop thinking about poor kid you, climbing down out of that tree. What was even going through your head out of that… blank terrified state?”
“Not a lot by that point. I think dad was sensible trying to appeal to something as basic as hunger.”
“I don’t… want you to dwell in there if it’s painful but… mhh, can you tell me a little more detail?”
“Sure, if you want. It’s alright since I’m with you.”
“Aw.” Karlach hugs her and lets her settle in to speak.
Tav thinks, tail tapping gently against Karlach’s shin “So the area around the camp proper is natural redwood forest, and this tree was a redwood, a big one. Old. It actually was kinda like… known and mythologized a little, but it’s lowest branches were about ten feet off the ground – you had to jump and shimmy up the rough trunk to get there, although the going from there wasn’t too bad if you’d been up before – granted the branches got closer together the higher up you got so you had to be pretty narrow to weave through. Plus the higher branches get thin and finding ones you can put weight on is hard if you’re not willing to risk falling. By the end of the day I was pretty much at the very top – able to see over the forest around and watch the sunset. It was nice, considering how sore I was from sitting in a tree all day, after everything the previous day. I just had my arms around the trunk and watched orange fade to pink to red, and into the blues and purples of dusk. That’s about when I could smell what dad was cooking, and I didn’t think much about it right away but… after a little it started to remind me that I was somewhat painfully empty. I know I wouldn’t have starved to death any time soon, even in that state I knew that, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t deeply hungry. I didn’t quite know what was going on below me, it was a very tall tree and I could only see so much, but since it had gotten very quiet with my mom and the others all gone, I finally decided to climb down a bit and see. I was incredibly cautious, making sure no one else was in the tree* as I went down. I had to move sort of slowly anyway, my hands were sore, and I was cramped up from crouching – but I saw my dad by himself with a little camp stove and could smell something cooking. Dad wasn’t looking up the tree or at me, and was instead focused on… whatever cinnamon spiced baking thing he was making. No one had left flashlights or anything, so I knew only so many people could possibly be near and even see (dad never minded working in the dark, he always labeled his supplies in writing) as there was just a little light from the camp stove’s gas flame. He said later it was eerie how quiet I was when I got to the ladder that was propped against the tree, as he could then see me from where he was working. I went out on one of the low branches for a little while as he finished baking, sort of getting an idea of what he was making. He says he had been nervous I was going to jump from that branch instead of using the ladder for some reason, but hunger won out over fear and I went down the ladder to sit across from him. He didn’t immediately speak to me, but that was just as well, as I couldn’t really get any words out to him either. It was probably for the best that he didn’t even try to coax me down the rest of the way, I don’t think anything he could have said would have helped. The first thing he said to me was “It’s hot, you’ll have to wait a couple minutes.” I didn’t verbally respond, but I did sit quietly, folded up with my hands in my lap, tail buzzing furiously, so he took that to mean I was ok waiting. With that encouragement he passed me a water bottle, encouraging me to drink. It took me a little to take the water, but I was also very thirsty and pretty much chugged it down. That was when he was able to get a good look over me and assess damage – two black eyes, a cut on my lip and a cut on my forehead that had made a bit of a mess, covered in pine sap, bark dust, and dirt, scraped knees and elbows, a large blooming bruise across my left shoulder and arm, another across my knee, a third on my right wrist, numerous other little scratches that looked messier than they were, hands and nails black from getting dirt stuck to pine sap. I-I think if I’d been a more… normal kid things would have been different… more… I don’t know, cuddling and talking and sympathy and medical attention, but he was trying hard to stay calm and not get me to run off again. I was just glad he didn’t have anyone around to jump me when I sat still. The cake was still pretty hot when he cut it and gave me a slice but that made it taste all the better. It was something he made at home every now and again as a treat – just an easy desert… I’ll make it for you sometime soon, but in that moment it was amazing. I usually can’t stand food being messy, you know this, but… I didn’t really care then and just scarfed it down, getting crumbs stuck on my hands. Dad said that seemed like it recovered me a little – it felt like it, as I looked at him sort of pleadingly after finishing. He knew I didn’t usually ask for seconds unless genuinely hungry, and he was quick to cut me another slice. That I ate a little more normally, but still fast and needy. He already had a third slice cut when I finished that and I ate that too. And a fourth. That went down much more slowly, and I started feeling really exhausted, my body just… started shaking. Dad told me “We’ll just go home. You don’t have to do anything else… no councilors, no apologies. We have the car ready, already have your bag. We’ll go home.” That’s… that’s when I went over and just sat on his lap – heavy and scared. He’d been sitting on the ground with his legs crossed, and I tucked in against him with my tail wrapped around my stomach. I wasn’t… once I was older than about seven I wasn’t really physically close with my parents – didn’t climb on them, didn’t ask for hugs or physical comfort, but I was just… I needed something I didn’t know how to express then.”
“You probably did need a hug.” Karlach says, sadly, noting that while Tav isn’t shivering again, she’s pressed into her just about as tightly as can be.
“Probably… I don’t know I might have bit if I felt restrained or overstimulated. It’s hard to say. Dad let me sit there with my head on his shoulder and my bony butt in his lap. He liked to wear these flannel jackets in about three sizes too big so he could roll up the sleeves and wear them over layers, and he’d taken the one he was wearing off while baking because of the warmth of the stove. He tucked that around me, and when I actually, properly, although mechanically, put it on, he felt confident that I would come around ok from this ordeal. This wasn’t the first time I’d ever gone silent, but it was unusual and only under duress, so he wasn’t pushing. Mom didn’t either when she came back, alone, almost overwhelmed to see that I’d come down and was acting relatively… tame. She wasn’t quiet like dad – fussing a bit over how worried they’d been, how glad she was that I was ok, that they needed to tend to my face, and on and on, but dad got her quieted down a bit assuring her I was ok and eating, the cuts looked superficial, and that I probably badly needed some rest before anything else. Dad had mom take me to the car while he packed up his stuff, and she and I just… quietly waited until he came back from speaking with the head of the camp – I found out later, though he never meant for me to, that he told them I was down from the tree, fed and watered, not badly physically hurt, but... I was mentally very fragile, and that it would be ideal to just get me back in a familiar situation ASAP. I guess everyone agreed – They were going to send me home anyway, my parents signed off on not pursuing any kind of… legal action, and the camp did the same against them and me. Everyone just… wanted to wash their hands of this since I was alive and relatively unscathed, I guess. It’s not like this was really NEW to my parents, and while some people could have responded better at camp to the situation, it… ugh.” Tav shakes her head against Karlach.
“It’s ok if you think was unfair. It sounded unfair… I wish I could have been nice to you in there. At the performance or… outside the cafeteria, or by the lake, or in the office, or at the tree.”
Tav, holding Karlach tight around her ribs, says quietly “What… would you have done, love?”
Karlach hugs her tightly, thinking “Well if I had been your age at the time… I… I mean at the tree I think your dad did… ok, but long before he got there I would have gone up if they’d let me – just to talk to you! Not to try to touch you or grab you. But… but even before your dad did you should have had food and water. Leave it for you and back down a bit… and tell you at least I wasn’t mad or anything. I know it wouldn’t have meant much from someone not in authority but…”
“No it… would have meant a lot still. Nobody told me I would… that it… that it could be ok still or at least that I wasn’t just… the worst. I know NOW that I was just a kid and all of that, and it’s ok, but… man it hurt then.”
“Aw, honey.”
“Even Morion didn’t try to intervene, but I don’t blame him, he knew how dangerously aggressive I could be… and that I didn’t fear for my own life or safety.”
“Well… it’s a good thing I didn’t either” says Karlach with a fierce but sad sort of pride.
“If I had known you then… I like to think I would have trusted you.” There’s a break in Tav’s voice, honest and while feeling doubt of her past self, having none in the present.
“If… they would have let me go to you before that I would absolutely have brought your pjs… hell your whole bag if I could… I bet you didn’t even get to brush your teeth” Tav shakes her head “… and I would have begged them to let me stay the night with you on another cot.”
Tav doesn't doubt the fierceness of Karlach’s loyalty, even if she were a child… everything Karlach has told her has shown she would have been this bold.
“I know you would… though I doubt they would have let you… or that you might even know what was happening.”
“Well, I know I’d have been worried when you didn’t show back up that night, and I would have probably tried to ask where you were… and if they didn’t let me, I would have snuck out to find you.”
Tav chuckles “Yeah… that sounds right.”
“Would have kept you company at that window all night… at least until dawn and I had to sneak back. Would you still have tried to flee?”
“M… maybe. No… no I don’t think so. I wouldn’t have felt so hurt and afraid if you had been there.”
Karlach smiles “Yeah… I feel the same with you. Always.”
Tav nods against her, finding Karlach’s hand to squeeze it tight.
“When they were searching for you and found you at the lake was it just councilors or kids too?”
“It was a mix of councilors and some of the older kids with dark-vision and good orienteering skills.”
“I would have made them let me help.”
“Oh… they probably would have let you, you were big and strong.”
“I definitely would have fought to find you first and just… try to coax you back and ask you what was wrong… why you left. DEFINITELY would have fought that councilor with you thought. Were those bruises from her?”
“Yeah. I mean, it was because I wrenched myself around in her grip – but I wouldn’t have been fighting her so hard if she hadn’t been yelling and screaming at me and grabbing me to force me.”
“Yeah I would have fought hard with you – wouldn’t have been my first time fighting an adult by that age.”
“HAH, yeah, me either, with the two of us she wouldn’t have stood a chance.”
Karlach chuckles fondly “Of course… ideally at that event I would have just… liked to follow you outside and assure you it was ok, and that you could probably just pass that stupid ticket to someone else, or that maybe we could ask if we could go back to the bunks and just… not be somewhere too loud and too much for you.”
Tav nods, “I could have used someone who… just wasn’t in such a blind state of frustration. If I hadn’t been alone I-… I…” She can’t finish the thought, she doesn’t know – everything that happened was because she felt utterly lonely in the world. They can only live in the world where everything happened as it has, although softening the blow of the past with impossible scenarios is comforting in its way.
“AND I know whatever had happened… at the end there I would have begged your parents and mine to go with you – to be in the car with you. To go home and see that you were ok. To stay the night in your room. If… if you would have let me I would have cuddled and slept with you. I know I would have.”
“Oh… Karlach” Tav says with a hesitant reverence. It’s a peaceful thought that soothes an old ache somewhere deep inside. Wretched, miserable, child Tav – angry, non-verbal, grubby, mean, and stupid, getting to seek innocent comfort with a close friend. Even if their ages are wrong for it, even if it makes no sense by what adults and parents would allow – taking the old mental picture of herself, flopping, exhausted and sore, into bed, crashing hard and making a mess of filth from sap and dust… and changing it to curling up with Karlach, gentle and warm. Sure she only knows Karlach now, and she struggled with touch as a child – but maybe, maybe she could have given in to being comforted.
“I still… might have only wanted to just touch your hand or hold your tail.”
“I wouldn’t have minded, knowing you, anything of you reaching out to me would have meant a lot - more than anything… I know I would have loved you then as I do now.”
Tav draws breath as if to say something, but stops to let her finish.
“Even if you think you were difficult or mean or bad… you’re still my Tav and I think you would have been even then.”
Tav hides her face against Karlach “Yeah. I… I think so too. I think I would have understood better how to love with someone like you around.”
Karlach sighs into her hair, of course, if Tav had gone to the monastery, if she herself had never been a soldier, if they hadn’t been through all they have they wouldn’t be who they are and they wouldn’t be here now – she wouldn’t change a thing about their reality. But in the comfort of fantasy, Tav relaxes against her, shifting and settling, nestling in against her, body going slack in the comfort of closeness and warmth.
(In the world where this imagined scene is, as soon as they are at Tav’s home and everyone is getting settled, Karlach takes Tav by the hand (despite it being sticky and grubby) after Tav hangs her dad’s coat up in its place. In Tav’s room, she gently asks Tav to get dressed for bed as she does herself with her Pjs from her bag, helping Tav when she seems sort of perplexed from exhaustion on finding the arm holes in her tank top. As she doesn’t fight Karlach, and Tav’s tail has only let go of her own to put her shorts on since they were in the car, Karlach follows Tav as she flops into bed on her stomach, gracelessly worming under the covers, falling asleep almost instantly in a crumpled up position, limbs wherever. Karlach doesn’t really settle any more gracefully on her back next to Tav, and they sleep peacefully, tails intertwined, until the wee hours, not noticing when Tav’s parents briefly check in on them to ensure they’re safe and sound.
Later, Tav wakes blearily from sleep in the dark of night, and in confusion, starts making small noises with panicked breathing that wake Karlach. Tav doesn’t move from where she’s laying. Karlach is hesitant to touch her to not frighten her further, but shifts her hand close to Tav’s touching just the side of her pinky to Tav’s. “Hey… hey you’re home, it’s ok. It’s over.” Karlach whispers to her, and that, after everything she’s been through in the past couple days, breaks Tav into tears. She rolls to her side to face Karlach, curling up small and grabs her hand tightly sobbing in stifled whimpers against it as she holds it close to her face. Karlach squeezes her hand tight, trying to let Tav decide on her own comfort, but it’s clear she’s struggling. “Tav? Tav is it ok if I touch you?” Tav, looks at her in wild-eyed shock, still a bit lost. Karlach fears she might still be unable to respond meaningfully, but after a long moment, Tav nods, hesitantly. For food, water, and some sleep, she’s coming back to herself, although it’s slow. Karlach laces her fingers with Tav’s, and as she rolls to her side, uses that to help pull Tav closer, tucking her in against her chest where Tav burrows herself away under the covers from any light and sound. Karlach wraps her free arm around Tav and cradles the back of her head as Tav wodges herself up as small as her lank frame can manage. “It’s ok… it’s ok… I’m here. I’m here.” Karlach says very quietly as Tav shivers against her. Karlach only notices that Tav has rapidly gone back to sleep when the shaking stops, as her crying was so quiet as to only read as rough breathing. It’s warm and close, and her arm is pinned up against Tav, who reeks of sweat and pine, but Karlach drops back off to sleep, holding her close, unwilling to let her go. She knows very well Tav can fend for herself, as the last couple days have proven, but right now, she feels like she’s the only one who can reasonably protect her – if nothing else from the cruelty she has learned with which to treat herself.
In the morning, Karlach wakes first, and her slight movement gently rousts Tav too. There is a moment where Tav is still trying to figure out what is going on and where she is but as the two of them wake more fully, Tav unfolds a little to properly wrap Karlach in a hug, arms under hers, chin over her shoulder. The first word Tav says that is coherent to someone in the last day is just a soft, awe-filled: “Karlach.”
She loves to hear her name from Tav, and she knows how trusting this is after everything “Hey… yeah, hi… goodmorning, Zatavia.” Karlach says, stroking her back in the same way her mother does to soothe her.
“’gmoring.” Says Tav, rough from dirt and snot of unwiped tears, with a sigh.)
In the present, where Karlach endured so much, and Tav is who she is through her own long journey, their lives now intertwined as adults, Tav rousts a little from the haze of half-dreaming.
“Sweetheart?” Says Tav, sleepily.
“Mm?”
“You want to go to the beach tomorrow?”
“Fuck yeah I do!”
“Mm, yay.” Tav yawns, stretching a little and curling back up to Karlach.
“Go to sleep, silly” Karlach says as she strokes Tav’s back.
“Mhm, love you.”
“Love you.” She says, kissing Tav’s hair.
With a little more cuddling and shuffling, each eventually rolling to their side of the bed but keeping a loop of their tails together, they are peacefully asleep before long.
*Reminder – Tav is a Tiefling, she can still see well in black and white at night.
**These are all very cost-efficient treats to make.
*** Why not use magic to get Tav out of the damn tree? Surely a possibility, but a summer camp isn’t employing high level magic users and trying to use cantrips against someone who’s going to fight them carries a lot of risk.
