Work Text:
narrator: thomas is a tank engine, who lives at a big station on the silliest island in existence. no one else would have him.
thomas: hey...
narrator: he's a tiny engine. like, the tiniest. he has six tiny, tiny wheels
thomas: hey!
narrator: it's technical. this is just a technical description. don't take it personally.
thomas: ...
narrator: he has a goofy-ass funnel, a goofy-ass boiler, and the ugliest dome you ever saw
thomas: uhhhhhh can you stick to just, like. describing my personality?
narrator: trust me, you don't want me to
thomas: you know what they say. pick a fight with the biggest guy to establish dominance.
gordon: … whatever, i don't care *goes back to sleep*
thomas: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
gordon: zzzzzzz
thomas: HEY. SISSYPANTS.
gordon: *snores*
thomas: this isn't working at all
thomas: i gotta keep being obnoxious until i get a reaction
thomas: i see no way this could go wrong
fat controller: *picking up the phone in his office* The tank engine has GONE ALONG WITH THE EXPRESS? And is now SCREAMING SHRILL BLUE MURDER? And we have NO STATION PILOT?
fat controller: well that doesn't sound right...
fat controller: pretty sure i don't own a "tank engine" 🙄
*
fireman: are you and i the only bastards to show up this morning?
driver: looks like it
fireman: goddamit. this railway is a two-pack of —
driver: *enormous sigh* edward, wanna come out?
every other engine: EXCUSE US????
driver: look, i am NOT putting up with Big Engine Bullshit today
driver: they aren't paying me enough for that
thomas: i'm not a big engine?
driver: and they are DEFINITELY not paying me enough to put up with YOU
thomas: 💀
*
driver (different one): you're not trying
gordon: i can't do it. the trucks keep disappearing.
driver: don't make excus —
gordon: look! look behind me right now. carefully!
driver: well i'll be damned
driver: i'll get out my paint tomorrow, and give you a beautiful coat of blue with red stripes.
edward: wait. like, you, personally?
driver: did i stutter?
edward: that’s no simple task? you’re kinda unqualified?
driver: you weren't exactly designed as a shunter and banker either, mate
edward: touché. but are you sure this is the best use of your time and talents, given that we seem to have exactly… two crews for this entire railway?
driver: oh, yeah. i hear HR's working on that
edward: i'm sure they’ll be thrilled to hear that you're taking over locomotive maintenance, too
*
fat controller: heave! ! !
henry: i notice you're not helping
fat controller: ah, well. my doctor has forbidden me to pull.
henry: a medical exemption for pulling?
henry: as in, a reasonable accommodation for your weakness?
henry: must be nice!
fat controller: now, now. if you have the breath for sarcasm then i’m sure you’re not too asthmatic to pull a 400-ton train.
thomas: sorry, boss. can't push the whole train out, on my own
fat controller: very well, titus, i'm sure you did your best
thomas: actually, my name's —
fat controller: i have no choice left but to brick up the tunnel
thomas: i meannnnn —
fat controller: no. choice.
thomas: uhhh if you just uncoupled the train i could take away some of the coaches, and then —
fat controller: alas, my hand is forced. outfoxed by a stroppy hydrophobic steam engine. bricks it is.
thomas:
thomas: or if it's reeeeally important to you that we move the whole lot of them in one go, you could just send for another engine to help me –
fat controller: BRICKLAYER!!!!!
henry: well, this escalated quickly 😕
*
driver: you should really stop taunting henry like that
gordon: why?
driver: it's just not a smart thing to do on sodor. specially if you're an engine.
gordon: pah. fat controller wouldn't have half-bricked up henry if he didn't want him publicly ridiculed
driver: ... that's a fair point. but i still think you're playing with fire
gordon: i'm a steam engine, playing with fire's what i do. UNLIKE YOUUUU, YOU STUPID SOPPING WET CAT OF AN ENG —
gordon: whooooooooooooosh! oh! i feel so weak :(
driver: you burst your safety valve
gordon: that's not how safety valves work?
driver: they do on sodor. specially in cases like this.
gordon: cases like what?
driver: an engine being an asshole
gordon: ... huh
gordon: i told you edward couldn't pull my train
fat controller: that's all right, we'll take five or six hours to dismantle the brick wall and get henry back in steam 💡 😇
gordon:
gordon: orrr you could uncouple the train midway and have edward take it in halves —
fat controller: no. bricks.
gordon: but my idea would literally be faster —
fat controller: but your idea is wrong. the answer is always to make major infrastructure changes in response to minor human resource problems.
gordon: orrrrrrr, and hear me out here, you could just send for another, non-bricked-up engine to help —
fat controller: we have no more, they're all out on the line
edward: even thomas?
fat controller: who?
narrator: they never stopped till they came to the station at the end of the line
narrator: … and wellsworth
*
thomas: gee... henry... 👉👈 if you're ill, i guess that means... i... might have to take... your train...
henry: oy stop smiling! ! !
thomas : omg henry LOOK at my face rn! i am very much NOT smiling!
henry:
thomas: ... and it is sooo much effort to stop myself lmao. you should be more grateful.
henry: yeahhh that's what i thought
henry: get on with you
henry: try not to fuck it up too much
thomas: lol didn't catch that last oneeee
henry: we know, thomas. we know.
fat controller: Henry's ILL? he CAN'T PULL THE TRAIN? i BOUGHT a LEM - no i didn't, i know how to buy engines.
fat controller: don't say i don't know how to buy an engine. i do.
fat controller: anyway, timon will have to take it
thomas: it's thomas
fat controller: it's running late, is what you are
narrator: what happened then, no one knows. perhaps they forgot to couple thomas, or perhaps the driver pulled the lever by mistake.
thomas: … this is not some impenetrable mystery!
thomas: i call bullshit
thomas: *glares at all the humans as they avoid everyone’s eye and dodge responsibility*
narrator: ANYHOW… thomas started.
driver: yeah, mate. this is all your fault! silly engine.
thomas: #$&#*@*%&!
stationmaster: ... he left without his train
stationmaster: the idiot really left without his coaches
stationmaster: amazing
stationmaster: *seeing the fat controller walk away* uhh, sir?
fat controller: call me when I get to my office. i prefer to be given news like this over the phone.
stationmaster: what? why?
fat controller: #aesthetic
stationmaster:
fat controller: also, my blood pressure meds are in there
*
thomas: i'm tired of pushing coaches. i want to have an Incident.
henry: like the time you wanted to pull a train, and forgot about the coaches? 🤪
thomas: sick roast, dude
henry: *pensive* yeah, i know, i can hear myself sounding lame... i just don't know any good zingers...
fat controller: thomas, WHAT are you doing?
thomas: you know my name?!
fat controller: oh, i do now. now you're my favorite.
thomas: but i just nearly wrecked. after not following my timetable.
fat controller: oh, dw. i have a major soft spot for troublemakers
fat controller: the more heedless and bubbly, the better
fat controller: i enjoy the premature aging process! 🤠
fat controller: now come along, new son, imma personally mentor you
thomas: ... just as long as i never have to go back to the Big Station
fat controller: deal <3
*
james: thanks for coming to rescue me, that's really decent of you 😥
thomas: no problem mate, just doing my job
james: nah, you didn't have to do that 🥺
thomas: what does 'job' mean on the mainland, exactly?
fat controller: right, no casualties? phew. well, good work everybody –
thomas: REWARD, PLEASE
fat controller: ... branch line?
thomas: that's just more work, doesn't really feel like a present
fat controller: you can have the two jankiest old coaches on this entire railway
thomas: now we're talkin! 😎
fat controller: and james, we'll have to get you some decent brakes –
james: my brakes are decent!!
fat controller: they're really not
james: they're normal!!!
thomas : (no really, what is happening on the mainland... 💀)
fat controller: james, this is the only time in the entire clearwater series that mitton got to film LIVE SPARKS
james: 😡
james: fine. but what will my new coat of paint look like?
fat controller: remarkably like the one you're already wearing
james: sounds pretty splendid, ngl
*
narrator: james WAS enjoying his life on the island of sodor -
narrator: which, since it has so far consisted of little more than a terrifying high-speed wreck and then a hospital stay, has implications about his old life that are so awful that we plan on never examining them again
james: thanks, guys. just happy to be here! 😇
narrator: ohhh, he's actually crazy
fat controller: yeah, we have to cure him of that notion. immediately.
james: lets goooooo
edward: hey! don't push!!
james: ... did you just snap at me? you?
edward: uh... haha, yeah
edward: it's funny, i just feel really comfortable around you, you seem like such a normal, chill sort of guy
james: oh, baby. no.
james: yeah, i hafta cure you of that notion. immediately.
thomas: all right there, james? that's right
james: what are you even doing here you patronising puffball, this is my episode
thomas: bitch, i'm the main character
james and edward: ...
thomas: it's OUR episode 😤
james: i’ll show them! they think gordon is the only engine who can pull coaches
driver: what the hell do you think we were doing yesterday?
james: pulling coaches? with an engine who was notably not gordon?
driver: right
james: so what’s your point?
coaches: you're going too fast, you're going too fast!! 🥺
james: nahhh. i'm the engine, you're merely coaches. we go as fast as i say we go!
coaches:
coaches: OHH noooo, HONEY. we gotta cure you of THAT notion.
coaches: IMMEDIATELY
james: *within seconds* oof!
the entire world: *comes to a halt*
coaches: 💅
james: 😳
coaches: 💅
james: ☹️
coaches: 💅
coaches : ... btw, that's what 'immediately' actually means
coaches: everyone else been using it wrong 😤
fat controller: *picks up phone* what's that you say? james is upset about not pulling coaches, so he BANGED A HOLE... in one of the coaches... that he was... PULLING?
fat controller: *after popping a statin* ... yeah, no, i'm glad to hear the dumbass is fitting in so well around here
*
thomas: here are your trucks, james!
james: … don't you now have a branch line you're supposed to be running?
thomas: and miss the chance to assemble a hell train for you as revenge for banging up my favorite coaches? not on your life
james: wait did you just say 'revenge' ?
james: and 'hell train’'?
thomas: byeeeee, Bootlace!!!!!
fat controller: james, bloody marvelous work today. i'm delighted by your performance. you are truly a boon to this railway.
james: thanksss, but... i brought in one (1) train? hours late?
fat controller: but you DID bring it IN
james:
fat controller:
james:
fat controller: look, up till now our heavy goods have all been henry
james: OHHHH
james: yeah, i geddit
*
gordon: i've pulled expresses for years, and have never once lost my way!
james: aren't you like fucking two years old?
gordon: yeah. like i said. years.
gordon: i was switched off the main line onto the loop
james: onto the what?
gordon: the loop
james: the what?
gordon: the LOOP, are you deaf?
james: i just like watching the rws nerds' forehead veins pop 😇
james: anyway, gordon, could you clarify for the audience, please, who switched you onto that loop? 😇😇
james: cos they certainly weren't signalmen ahahahaha! 😇😇😇
gordon: *very seriously* no, indeed
james: omg
gordon: it was... gremlins, i guess
james: dude how are you real
*
thomas : *knowing his cue now, sarcastic singsong* i am just dreadfully sorry, mr. guard, sir
guard: never mind, thomas. *ignoring driver’s frantic gesticulation* it wasn’t your fault that you started too soon!
thomas: goddammit. what exactly are the rules here?!
*
thomas’s driver: oy, you have a bucket on hand we can borrow?
stationmaster: strange ask but yeah, sure.
driver : … what is even the point of a keeping around a bucket with five holes in it?
stationmaster: look, only God has the right to judge me.
driver: disconcerting. but, anyway — say, is that Ringo Starr?
stationmaster: nope. best engine inspector on the island, though.
driver: bullshit. he’s not even the best engine inspector in the beatles.
fat controller: *picks up phone* jenkins, i TOLD you, today for one bloody day i wanted no Incidents —
fat controller: what's that you say?
fat controller: thomas is disabled cos there are fish in his sidetank?
fat controller: oh.
fat controller: lmaoo this sounds whimsical
fat controller: fuck paperwork, it's a beautiful sunny day outside. i'm on my way.
*
fat controller: *picks up phone* what's that you say? yesterday thomas battered his snowplough like CAKE MIX and now it won't FIT?
fat controller: well he'll just have to take his trains today without one, that'll teach him 😤
thomas: *cutaway scene* wheeeeeeeeeeeee! hee-hee-hee-hee 😝🤣
thomas: that's right, snow! fuck you fuck you and fuck youuuuuu forever lmaoooooo stupid soft shit —
the snow: ... aaaand i took that personally
thomas’s driver: i hope you’ll be sensible now, thomas!
thomas: huh! everyone should have a dream
*
bertie: hello, slowpoke! wow, you must be thoooo-maaaas (derogatory). you know, all steam engines are slow, but i remember you, you have to be the slowest of them all. i bet I can get to the station faster than youuuu 😊😊😊
thomas ... kinda sounds like you're baiting me
thomas: and i would know!
thomas: i'm an expert
bertie: baiting you? ... welll, that depends 😊😊😊
thomas: depends on what?
bertie: on if it's working 😊😊😊
*
gordon: now, obviously, tiny thomas, it doesn't matter how the fat controller treats little engines like YOU. you hardly care, you lack the necessary brainpower to begin to think or feel anything, you may be treated any which way. however, you ought to recognize that the correct path is to support ME in MY quest to have management recognize the rights of BIG ENGINES LIKE MYSELF
thomas: lmaoooo bye
gordon: what's that he chucked at me?
titchy tidmouth schoolboys : How to Win Friends and Influence Engines
gordon: well that's a ridiculous gift
gordon: after all, i don't read
titchy tidmouth schoolboys, sniggering: because you have other engines to do that for you?
gordon: because i have other engines to do that for me!
gordon’s crew: it’s no good. your tender upsets the balance.
driver: iF yOu wErE a nIcE tANk eNgInE yoU’D bE aLL riGHt
gordon: *boiler pressure rising to worryingly high levels*
gordon: *in low tones of terrible menacing calm* you lot like living dangerously, do you?
fireman: uh, yeah. it was literally a requirement to join up with you, pal.
gordon: take care. you might stick, too.
james: no fear! i'm not so fat as you.
schoolboy : cor, that one hasn’t learned a thing about sodor karma, has he?
gordon: nope.
gordon: but i'm sure once it strikes today he’ll never make that mistake again.
gordon: i mean, who could be dumb enough to tempt fate like that on a bimonthly basis?
james: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!…?…. !!!!…
*
the big three: Tender Engines Don't Shunt
fat controller: we'll see about that!! engines on my railway do what they are told!!!!!
fat controller: *drives some twenty miles out of his way before he finds an engine of whom that is, in fact, true*
fat controller: that'll show them.
edward, covered in ash and soot: doesn't seem to be, no.
fat controller: point. i suppose i'll literally have to buy another one.
edward: like… exactly as they wanted you to do in the first place?
fat controller: hush now
fat controller: this is what #Winning looks like
fat controller: trust me
bloke from engine orphanage workshop: ... and then there's this other engine, underneath a tarp
fat controller: the problem is that they all look uncomfortably like the five engines i already own. can you show me something else?
bloke from engine orphanage : well , there is this sod
fat controller: looks promising. why hasn't he been bought already, though?
bloke from engine orphanage: ah, you sound like a man who's been burned on the secondhand market once before!
fat controller: you have no idea. so give it to me straight, what's this one's problem?
bloke from workshop: annoyingly obsequious
bloke from workshop: falling over himself with eagerness to please
bloke from workshop: works in 'sir' nearly every other word
fat controller: *violent flashbacks to the entire past week of Big Engine Bullshit*
fat controller: *sob in his voice* name your price i'll take himmm
percy: lol i don’t understand what the hell’s going on here 🙃
edward: lol no one ever does 🙃
fat controller: i've shut the big engines up, and I want you to run the main line for a while so i can show them that they have no striking power in future
thomas: wait, wait... i don't know... the big engines can be daft, but at the end of the day, I feel conflicted about helping the humangeosie shut them down when me 'n them have so much common interest 🤔
fat controller: they say they won't shunt like common tank engines
thomas: where is the hose where are the pinkertons where are the rubber bullets !!!!! 🤬
fat controller: that's a good prole
*
fat controller: you lot deserve The Tunnel Pt. 2, and we're running this railway perfectly well without you. but — in my great magnanimity — i will let you out now, if you promise to behave
big three: goods backlog gettin' pretty bad, huh?
fat controller:
fat controller: now look here, you shits, let's get something straight —
fat controller: thank you for your hard work during this strikebreaking action, i will reward your loyalty with a day of branch freight. light work. work, what am i saying? it's not even work, it's practically play. a frolic.
edward: goods backlog gettin' pretty bad, huh?
fat controller:
fat controller: ... yeah
percy: i won't stay here! i'll run away!
gordon: there's no need? i've dead stopped? everything's fine?
percy: no, you don't understand.
percy: i want off this whole shite island.
percy: percy out, man.
*
fat controller: so, it’s been ages, i guess i better think about replacing this super unreliable steamer or something lol
fat controller: maybe i do a ride-along first and find out more before calling up the scrappers lol
fat controller: yo crew this shit seems so mysterious lol you ever formed any hypotheses as to what is wrong with your engine lol
fireman: he’s saddled with a crummy firebox
fat controller: a crummy firebox you say
fat controller: wild
fat controller: lol
james: you want me to go and fetch a delivery of *squints at written orders* 'Welsh coal'? for henry's —
fat controller: — exclusive use, yes. and you know what the best thing about this plot point is?
james: that it won't ever become a tiresome long-running fandom punchline about recreational drugs?
fat controller: that it won't ever become a tiresome long-running fandom punchline about recreational drugs!
james: that's great, sir
james: i'm so happy for us all
fat controller: so, henry, how's your first day on the recreational drugs?
henry: I feel fineeeeeee
fat controller: that's lovely
henry: no, sir, you don't understand. i am FINE 👏 AF 👏
henry: all my exes who ever fumbled me? FOOLS 👏 FLOPS 👏 LOSERRRRRS 👏
henry: I'm a ten among all these fives, baby!!!!!
fat controller: you are an objectively easy-on-the-eyes sort of engine, yes
henry: now, if you'll excuse me sir, I HAVE A BUNCH OF OPPS TO GO SLIDE ON 🔥🔥🔥 yeeeeeeaaaahhhhhhh!
fat controller: *benevolent smile as henry rockets stage left*
fat controller: it was pricey... but this is a nicer feeling than euthanizing him, ngl
*
driver: we'll be out early tomorrow. we've got to film "the flying kipper"
henry: omg. is that the episode with my big accident?
driver: yep. but don't worry, old boy. I've read the source material and it's pretty much played for comedy
henry: but david mitton is directing... sounds dicey.
driver: nah, should be pretty lighthearted. Britt's adapting this for American children you know, she's sanding down all the rough edges
britt allcroft, the next morning: all right, henry, good, but now look MORE DEAD. yes, worse than that. like, just absolutely wretched —
david mitton: hang on, we've got some fake blood here
allcroft: they're trains, david
mitton: they have human crews!
allcroft: no, i think it's already hitting hard enough...
mitton: pleeeeeeease?
henry: *between groans of agony* next time my agent WILL demand a stunt double!!! 😭🤕
narrator: when henry returned home, it was spring and the trees were in fresh pink bloom
narrator: ... you need to understand, springtime happens on this island, like, once every twenty years
narrator: this is big
narrator: we dressed up the set special
narrator: enjoy it
*
gordon: why should henry have emergency life-saving reconstructive surgery? i was never offered reconstructive surgery. so it hardly seems fair.
gordon: of course, we like you, henry, we're very magnanimous, i for one barely resent you. we are glad to have you back home — you've been a little too happy since escaping the claws of death, and i intend to shame that confidence right out of you again.
gordon: good-bye, old fellow, till tonight when i will probably have more thoughts about how you live your worthless life.
gordon: and hey mate, remember — i'm your bff ✌️
henry: 😢
percy: awwwww don't worry, henry. he'll get his.
henry: *sniff* cos of sodor karma, right?
percy: what's caramel?
henry:
percy: no, i meant he'll get his as in *fires up a blowtorch* i'm gonna go tear out his couplers with my teeth, and turn him into a bloody carriage-warmer!
henry: *bursts into semi-tearful laughter*
henry: do you hear something?
edward: maybe?
henry: no, definitely. this sounds like the next Incident.
edward: sounds like gordon. timetable says it's gordon. but... we can't be lucky enough for it to be gordon. can we?
henry: lllllllloookk 😈
gordon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
henry: lmaooo
edward: what a great day
fat controller: what's that you say? GORDON is BREAKING GLASS AND CAUSING LANDSLIDES because his WHISTLE IS STUCK?
fat controller: then go! go forth and fix it, jenkins! fix it with the world's tiniest hammer.
titchy tidmouth schoolboys: nya-nya-nya-nya boo-boo!
henry: ugh. don't you usually torment gordon?
schoolboys: we torment the express engine
schoolboys: and apparently, you want that to be you?? lmao
henry: ugh. i'm gonna ask to be transferred back to the flying kipper, asap.
schoolboys, picking up more rocks: good shout
*
henrietta: oh DEAR what will we DO when our LINE closes DOWN 😥
toby: chin up, henrietta
toby: i have to believe in the power of benefactors 🙏
henrietta: like fairy godmothers?
toby: no, like rich steam engine enthusiasts
henrietta: oh, toby. you have to live in the real world — rich steam engine enthusiasts don't exist!
stephen and bridget: what is that thing, grandfather?!
stout gentleman: that's a tram engine. STEPHEN. 🥰
bridget: is it electric?
stephen: shhh! you've offended him
stout gentleman: this is what happens when girls talk about engines. they're always wrong and it always causes trouble.
bridget: so i'm losing the audition to be Fat Controller #3, is what i'm hearing
stout gentleman: i don't hear anything at all, as i cannot detect the frequency of female voices 🤗
stout gentleman: ... in my defense, this is a very useful quality when you have to literally walk through a coach's mouth in order to exit onto her balcony 😊
crowds of people : good-bye, toby! we are sorry your line is closing down
toby: i mean clearly that's not true or else you'd have been here all those other days, but, whatever
toby: i'll save my misanthropy until i'm locked away in a dark solitary shed indefinitely
crowds of people: good. we're vibin', here.
toby:
crowds of people: now, selfieees!!! ! 🤪
toby, locked in his shed: oh thank god, i never have to deal with humans again 🙄
(beat)
toby: oh god. i will never deal with humans again... 😰
*
policeman: you're in violation of a safety ordinance
thomas: i mean... yeah... i'm n.w.r...
thomas: we do that
policeman: and your wheels are indecently exposed
policeman: pervert!
thomas: wtf
policeman: i'm writing you a citation
thomas: old guy used to just give us a warning...
policeman: i'm not the old guy. here's your ticket.
thomas: this just says 'you're ugly'?
policeman: congrats sonny, you can read 👍
fat controller: we'll have to make some of those cowcatcher things for thomas, i suppose
thomas: everyone will laugh, sir! they’ll say i look like an abominable tram, that i’m an boxy eyesore, and that i’m a frightened little scaredy-wheels.
fat controller: wow. you came up with that cheery scenario in a right flash.
thomas: i mean, let’s be real. it’s what i would say, to anyone else.
*
james: dirty objects! could never be me 🙄
bell: *tolls*
james: like, i cannot even image the lack of self-respect that would induce anyone in your state to show their smokebox to the world
rooster: *crows*
james: you look a mess, hoe
thunder in distance, despite clear skies: *claps*
toby: haha, we are a bit shabby atm, i guess. but you know what, james? we've recently escaped a slow, lonely, miserable death, and that sort of gives you a fresh perspective on life. the little things just don't get at you when you stop and count your blessings. despite our exteriors, i don't think we've ever been happier.
sunlight: *slowly streams down from on high*
soft woodwinds: *begin to swell*
a small smile: *plays on james's lips*
james: laaaaaame 🙂
needle: *scratch*
james: that was the lamest shit i ever heard. 🙂 noo, driver, no don't shush me — this unwashed yokel-ass cornball needs to hear this —
james: i had a high-speed near-death experience, and i didn't let it give me fresh perspective at all! 😤😤😤
his departure: *dazzling and splendid* ✨✨✨
henrietta: wow
toby: he's so interesting
henrietta: wow
junction stationmaster on phone: yeah, get the cleanup crew on standby, there's no way sodor karma lets that red loudmouth get to the end of the line unscathed —
henrietta: wow
*
gordon: I'll show you all, I'll show you all ...
edward: oh, gordon, no. *robotic monotone* do calm down, we would hate to see this snit of yours take a comedic turn...
james: *whispers* sshhhsh, you're smirking, you'll tip him off
edward: *whispers back* not a chance, he's too far gone 😈
fat controller: gordon didn't want to take the special train and ran into a DITCH?!
fat controller: ...
fat controller: yeah idk why i sound surprised, of course he did
fat controller:
fat controller: stupid of me to expect anything less, really
gordon: and WHO is here to witness my humiliation? my NEMESES my TORMENTORS my OLD ENEMIES
titchy tidmouth schoolboys: peekaboo! hyeahahahayukyukyuk
gordon: 😭
titchy tidmouth schoolboys: fun fact, we can't rhyme for shit so we're not really gonna tryyyy 🎵
gordon: 😭😭😭
gordon: the two of you together have to do all this huffing and puffing just to haul ME? paTHEtic!
henry: *amid old-shape-levels of panting* gordon for — chrissake — you're water-logged and we're — dragging you — up — a — HILL
james: yeah — *huff* — anyone'd think YOU'd know something by now bout — *puff* — how hard a steep grade is for an engine —
gordon: complain, complain...
henry: don't think i won't drop this winch, asshole, cos i WILL
*
annie and clarabel: it makes us uncomfortable when you mock gordon, we have a lot of respect for him
thomas: you do? but why, you hardly know him? 👉👈
annie: oh, cos he's strong
clarabel: dignified
annie: handsome
clarabel: blue
annie: yes, i'd say those are roughly our reasons
thomas: I'M blue!!! 🙄
mine manager: *on phone* yeah, thomas has been beefing with a safety sign, as one does, and he just ran right past it —
fat controller: *walks into office* on it
mine manager: wait whaaa? you already know?
fat controller: i’ve decided to just anticipate all this shit
fat controller: should mean fewer blood-pressure-spiking phone calls
fat controller: now come, let's get out there. i wanna see his face when he realises I saw the whole thing.
mine manager: hang on, i've a soundboard i can bring
fat controller: ooh, with my scare chord?
mine manager: you know it
thomas: thanks, sorry, etc.
gordon: that's all right, thomas, you made me laugh
thomas: omg
thomas:
thomas: ... you read the book i gave you?? 🤩
gordon: yes i did, i had a lot of spare time in engine detention and it proved surprisingly relevant —
thomas: (it was not 'surprisingly' relevant, it's exactly what it said on the cover and i gave it to you after a careful and extended study of your personal habits —)
gordon: (yes, as you say.) that book's advice is why i now lie through my teeth and distribute empty compliments. in hopes of forming Alliances with you lesser engines. for personal advantage.
gordon: thank you for the gift btw (it taught me how to say thank you for the gift).
thomas: wow. this is pretty touching.
gordon: so... want to join my labour organisation?
thomas: you really need better numbers for your next strike, huh?
gordon: yes, we really need better numbers for our next strike
thomas: you know what you big crazy bastard, i'm in
thomas and gordon: 🤝
*
thomas: hey, lads, picture this:
thomas: ✨company christmas party✨
lads: *picturing it*
henry: never happen.
thomas: killjoy. as usual.
gordon: he's right. it isn't Useful.
thomas : all right, but... what if... what if it's a party to honour a valuable customer
edward: we don't have any of those
james: literally every passenger on the island hates our guts
thomas : but... hear me out... remember Mrs. Kyndley?
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
edward: OHHHHHH
james: Yesss. Mrs. Kyndley.
percy: my favorite thing about her is how real she is
henry: shame we big engines never got a chance to meet her 🥺
thomas: that's the spirit! let's take it to the Fat Controller!
gordon:
gordon:
gordon: ... tf is going on rn
thomas: ... so you see, sir, it would be great public relations for us to hold this wild booze-soaked bacchanal — ERRRM, this sedate and tasteful holiday celebration in mrs. kindley's honour
fat controller: mrs. kyndley...
thomas: haha, you probably don't remember her...
fat controller: no, no... it's coming back to me... yes, she's the one who lives in the cottage in the loney cutting... on your line, thomas, yes?...
thomas: erm. sure.
fat controller: so... if we were to hold this party... we'd have to send you to go pick her up...
thomas: r-right?
fat controller: with. 😈 your. 😈 SNOWPLOUGH. 😈
thomas:
thomas: ... well-played, sir.
fat controller: they call that an "uno reverse card" 😇
thomas, already being fitted with plough in the intervening one second: i'll take your word for it, sir
gordon: merry christmas, little engines and losers
gordon: but i repeat myself
thomas: shut your ugly face
james: you're one to talk ahahahahaha
henry: god, you guys are annoying
percy, with a thousand-yard stare into the night: wow, to think that i used to be in the engine orphanage...
edward: and you kinda miss those days?
percy: nahhhh. i love the chaos
percy: merry christmas, big engines and bozos
toby, coming in with drinks: merry christmas, everyone! 😊 what a fine, nicely-managed railway this is 👍👍
thomas: yeah, yeah. we get it, abominable tram. you’re new.