Work Text:
Kuroo was kicking back on Akaashi and Tsukishima’s couch, boredly playing around on his phone while occasionally writing down notes in his diary (the diary was pink and covered with small animals and Summer fruits: he claimed that it contained his entire life). His two companions were quietly typing things on their respective laptops, very rarely they would say something almost incoherent to the other before nodding and continuing to type: Kuroo was going mad.
“Why aren’t you guys saying anything? You’re not being interesting enough to give me good material!” He complained, finally breaking the previously comfortable silence, “I need something good for class, my grade depends on you guys being interesting inspiration!”
Tsukshima looked up from his laptop in annoyance, he was currently wearing his favourite jumper: he wasn’t a huge fan of the numerous dogs that adorned it but he was amused by Kuroo’s offended reaction to it, as he claimed he felt personally victimised by it.
“You know you can just go home,” he replied. The four of them had briefly lived together but that was no longer tha case, Akaashi and Tsukishima had decided that they just couldn't handle the other two full time anymore (after an incident involving a volleyball, a kitchen knife and a 17 inch rubber hand) and had bailed to find their own place. The other two didn't live far away but their place was considerably more noisy. Surprisingly it wasn’t much messier though, as Tsukishima and Kuroo were both finicky about their spaces and Bokuto and Akaashi had a sort of lazy approach to cleaning (ie. they didn’t like doing it) that balanced everything out in a way.
“You two are my home though,” said Kuroo earnestly as Tsukishima scoffed.
“You’re only saying that because Bokuto is at work,” he said. Kuroo grabbed his chest in mock hurt.
“If we’re your home… does that mean if you carried one of us on your back you would be a turtle?” pondered the previously quiet Akaashi, who always seemed more focused on the important things. Kuroo’s expression changed from hurt to interest so quickly Tsukishima had trouble keeping up.
“Yeah! I’m basically Kimi but with less followers on Instagram,” he said with a nod and a wink towards Tsukishima.
“Why do you even have an Instagram for your turtle? All you post is pictures of Lettuce and her in increasingly ridiculous situations… why did you even take her to an amusement park?” Tsukishima was purposefully avoiding Kuroo’s gaze, his eyes focused on his laptop as he refused to look up.
“She wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel,” said Kuroo with a smile.
“You’re just jealous because she has more followers than you do,” stated Akaashi and Tsukishima finally looked back up from his laptop to glare at him.
“She has more followers than any of us!” he said, probably louder than he intended to, if the amused looks from his two counterparts meant anything.
“Not me,” said Akaashi, in an uncharacteristic display of smugness.
“Yeah but you’re cheating. Your entire blog is probably aesthetic pictures and selfies,” said Kuroo in a tone of fairness as Akaashi raised an eyebrow.
“How exactly is that cheating?” he asked.
“Because of course people are gonna follow pictures of beautiful things,” replied Tsukishima, “your blog is pretty much the
reason Instagram was invented.”
“I think it’s mostly the selfies that make it unfair. Of course you’re gonna get more followers that way,” Kuroo added to Tsukishima’s comment.
“I’m still confused as to how this is not fair of all things,” asked Akaashi, genuinely confused at this point. Tsukishima looked exasperated now.
“Because you’re beautiful! Beautiful people are unfair on principle. They’re cheating at life,” he seemed genuinely distressed at this point.
“…coming from you,” was Akaashi’s only reply to Tsukishima’s outburst.
There was a pause in his fuming for a moment as he was caught off guard by the comment before his brain finally caught up.
“How can you compliment me with such a deadpan expression?!” Tsukishima’s face was bright red as he was obviously yelling to hide his own embarrassment.
“It's a talent,” said Akaashi with a smile as he pulled his camera out and took a picture so quickly Tsukishima didn’t know what hit him, “ah that’s a good one, definitely going straight onto Instagram.”
The other two gaped at him, he responded with a shrug.
“I put up a lot of candids of you guys, selfies are more Kimi’s thing.”
“She’s a turtle! And she has the most followers of any of us!” Tsukishima had calmed down considerably but the light dusting of pink on his cheeks gave away his previous ministrations. Kuroo gave him a smirk.
“…Tsukki I think its time for you to put a dollar in the salt jar,” all traces of Tsukishima’s blush had disappeared, he was now sporting a murderous glare.
“Come on we let you rant for this long, you know it’s overdue by now,” reasoned Akaashi.
“Why do we even have that stupid jar? I’m the only one who ever has to put money in it,” he grumbled as he reached into his pocket for some coins. It was true, the salt jar had been introduced when the four of them had still lived together, as a way of trying to tone down everybody’s (read: Tsukishima’s) salty attitudes with small fines. It had been entirely ineffective, as everybody who had to put money in inevitably became more salty about their loss and the jar became too full (it wasn't so surprising that Bokuto had been the only one to never surrender any money to the jar; though whether this was due to his lack of salt or because no one wanted to have to deal with the aftermath of that nobody can say).
“How else would we replenish our supply of salt?” Akaashi said logically.
“We don't use enough salt to warrant having a jar specifically to save money for it!” thundered Tsukishima, “and besides, the jar is full to the brim and salt is so cheap, we are never going to need this much salt! I never even use it.”
“That's just because you’re salty enough already,” answered Akaashi with a wink.
“You know sometimes I just sit in the bathroom and regret my entire life since meeting you all,” Tsukishima groaned into his hand.
“Aw thanks babe!” Kuroo cooed.
“Can we just go pick up Bokuto from work already?” asked Tsukishima.
“Why so keen?” asked Kuroo.
“Well, he isn’t so overtly mean to me and he’ll provide a distraction for you.” Answered Tsukishima, “also we can grab something to eat too.”
“Oh that reminds me,” said Akaashi, “they’ve currently got these Adventure Time toys.”
Both Akaashi and Bokuto worked at the same McDonalds, Akaashi had offered all of them a spot there but Tsukishima already had a job as a waiter at a local Chinese Restaurant and Kuroo as a high school English Tutor.
“You've told me this already,” replied Tsukishima boredly.
“Yeah but I haven’t told Kuroo and he’s actually a fan of the show,” pointed out Akaashi.
“Who do they have?” asked Kuroo with a little excitement. Akaashi had to think for a moment.
“Umm I know Princess Bubblegum is one,” said Akaashi, knowing she was Kuroo’s favourite.
“Ohhh I love her!” he stated unnecessarily.
“We know, we’ve seen the costume,” interjected Tsukishima, still not looking up from his laptop.
“I rocked that wig and you know it,” Kuroo said without an ounce of shame.
“Only because your hair wasn't visile for once,” muttered Tsukishima, who was a little ashamed at his boyfriends antics (even if he had to agree that he had rocked that outfit).
“How did you even flatten it that much?” asked Akaashi.
“Great skill and dexterity,” said Kuroo sagely, everybody remained quiet for a moment until he finally continued, “also a lot of Bo’s hair gel.”
“That explains why he ran out sooner than expected and had to go without for a little bit!” Said Akaashi with a glare. All three of them shuddered at the memory, mostly because Bokuto had been miserable but also because Bokuto with his hair down had proven to be a dangerous weapon that he had unknowingly taken full advantage of (the hazards of not knowing the effects you had on people). The other three had vowed to ensure he never ran out again after that incident.
“Anyway, who else?” said Kuroo in an effort to change the subject.
“That weird dog thing? The yellow one?” said Akaashi as he struggled to remember them all.
“…You mean Jake?” asked Kuroo.
“Yeah that’s the one,” answered Akaashi.
“How did you know PB but not Jake? He’s like, the main character?” asked Tsukishima in disbelief. Apparently he was on close terms with the characters despite, ‘not being a fan’.
“I hate dogs,” replied Akaashi simply.
“Thanks bro,” said Kuroo as he reached out for a fist bump, Akaashi ignored him and kept talking. Kuroo looked a little dejected as he lowered his hand.
“Also the Gameboy one,” said Akaashi.
“BMO?” Akaashi scrunched up his face slightly at the name.
“Maybe? And this weird red thing,” he said, looking back at his screen.
“Flame Princess?” asked Kuroo excitedly, she was his other favourite.
“No it's a boy I think,” replied Akaashi.
Kuroo looked lost, trying to recall a character that fit the (very limited) description.
“It’s really creepy,” added Akaashi unhelpfully.
“I have zero idea who you are talking about,” Tsukishima admitted.
“Yeah I’m lost too,” added Kuroo.
“We’ll go take a look when we pick up Bokuto?” asked Akaashi, “then you can get a toy too.”
“But I’d have to buy a happy meal,” said Kuroo in a disgruntled voice.
“What’s wrong with that?” asked Akaashi.
“I’m not really hungry, I was just gonna get a frozen coke. Can you buy the toy by itself?” pondered Kuroo.
“Yeah but what’s wrong with a happy meal? You’ll get some nuggets,” said Tsukishima.
“Hmm gotta weigh up the pros and cons,” said Kuroo.
“…of happy meals?” Akaashi looked amused at his boyfriend’s antics.
“Yeah,” said Kuroo, “I mean, there’s my manly pride to consider.” Tsukishima groaned and slammed his laptop shut.
“Can you do this in the car? Let’s just go.”
“Yeah okay,” said Akaashi as he also put his laptop away, albeit a little gentler than Tsukishima had.
The trio went outside and headed for Kuroo’s tiny blue Honda Jazz; it was covered in scrapes and bumps that Kuroo refused to get repaired because they apparently added “character” (he was actually just too stingy to get the work done, and had instead put little bandaids over the worst of them).
Kuroo was the main driver of the group despite being overly cautious and always driving ten kilometres under the speed limit (it made the rest of them wonder how he’d gotten all the scrapes along his car, as Akaashi had only been present for one and no one had witnessed any of the others). Akaashi on the other hand, was the complete opposite of Kuroo and made for an absolutely terrifying driver: he used to have a part time job as a pizza delivery driver at a place that had a policy of “if your pizza doesn't arrive in under twenty minutes its free”, meaning he’d developed a reckless diving style that had everybody being thrown around while he remained deadly calm; it was terrifying and he’d once made Tsukishima cry (who was already terrified of driving in the city, since he’d learned in the country and refused to drive anywhere but, claiming that the abundance of traffic lights infuriated him), because of this (as well as the incident that Kuroo still hadn’t let him live down) they didn't let him drive anymore. Bokuto had never actually passed his test, not because he wasn’t a good driver, it was just that on the day of his test his father had told him to imagine he was just driving with his driving instructor in order to settle his nerves: unfortunately he’d never actually driven with Bokuto’s driving instructor and didn't know about his excessive road rage that had rubbed off. One time he had reached across Bokuto in order to beep the horn and shout profanities at other drivers. The other three had questioned where Bokuto had even found this driving instructor, to which Bokuto had stated it was by chance as being an instructor wasn’t even the guy’s main job as he also owned a Souvlaki hut.
“Oh Kuroo I know a shortcut,” said Akaashi from the backseat. Kuroo snorted.
“No. Last time you took us on a ‘short cut’ you went down a one way street… the wrong way.”
“Yeah and it cut ten minutes off our total time,” argued Akaashi.
“No, that’s because you also ran three red lights,” pointed out Tsukishima as he shuddered at the memory.
“They were yellow,” pouted Akaashi.
“What is this? Kermit the frog? Why is that a song?” asked Tsukishima from where he was fiddling with Kuroo’s ipod in the front seat.
“You two need to calm down I’m trying to concentrate,” grumbled Kuroo, “Also Its ‘Hermit the frog’, its Marina and it’s the best. Turn it up a little bit.” He must’ve really liked the song, as he rarely let them turn up the music, claiming it was too much of a distraction. Whenever they argued with him he’d start spouting the statistics of P plate accidents on the roads.
“What is Marina?” asked Tsukishima.
“Marina and the Diamonds? She’s only the most beautiful person ever,” replied Kuroo.
“Who are the Diamonds?” Asked Akaashi.
“We are, we’re the diamonds,” Kuroo replied conspiratorially.
“What,” asked Tsukishima.
“Like, her fans. We’re her diamonds,” said Kuroo with a happy smile, “She’s so beautiful and perfect”
“That sounds kind of lame,” interjected Akaashi, breaking Kuroo from his revelry, he reeled back in exaggerated shock.
“You dare insult her? Seriously? You come into MY car… you come into MY life… you come into MY best friend… on the day of my daughter’s wedding no less!”
“Wait who is your best friend in this scenario,” asked Tsukishima.
“I’m more concerned about his apparently married daughter…” added in Akaashi.
“All of you guys, and all my fans. You’re all my diamonds. And my Daughters,” Said Kuroo sagely as he leaned over for a kiss while he was stopped at a red light.
“Ugh that was ridiculously cheesy and gross,” said Tsukishima as he pushed his boyfriend’s face away, “emphasis on gross,
never refer to me as your daughter again.”
“Call me Daddy,” said Kuroo with an eyebrow wiggle and Tsukishima gagged.
“So how many people am I coming into in this scenario?” asked Akaashi, leaning forward to steal a kiss from Tsukishima as the light went green.
“Only all of Kuroo’s fans, so, probably not that many?” said Tsukishima as he complied with the kiss.
“Ouch, I’m not sure who you’re insulting more here,” whined Kuroo, not sure if he was more upset by the insult or the kiss.
“Definitely you,” said Akaashi in an even voice.
“That was the intention,” added in Tsukishima in the same tone.
“You wound me,” said Kuroo, as he clutched his heart.
--
“Why do people even have children?” asked Kuroo with a wince as one of the children nearby made a shriek that was so high pitched it should not have been audible to the human ear.
“They’re not very good with birth control?” replied Tsukishima, who was also grimacing. Honestly, it was past midnight, why
weren’t these children at home? Was there no peace?
“But like, there’s gotta be more to it than that. There’re too many children in the world for it to only be due to be stupidity,” argued Kuroo with a sip of his frozen lift (he’d been planning on settling for a coke but upon seeing the lemon flavoured drink he’d dramatically fallen across the counter, grabbing Bokuto’s work shirt and praising him; Bokuto had looked pleased by the praise, albeit a little confused as to why it was directed at him since he didn't assign the flavours, also his boss hadn’t looked too happy about the whole thing).
“I don’t know, “ replied Tsukishima, “There’s a lot of stupidity in the world.”
“Nah,” replied Kuroo in a whisper, “I’m thinking there’s some sort of grand plan.”
“Like a conspiracy?” Akaashi asked in the same tone.
“Yeah,” Kuroo replied with a series of vigorous nods.
“…A conspiracy to further the human race?” Tsukishima had asked with a raised eyebrow. Kuroo threw up his hands.
“Well why else would you have one??” he exclaimed, the couple sitting nearby them looked over before moving to be one further seat away from where the trio was sitting while they waited for Bokuto to finish up work.
“Well, I guess you see other people with one and think “oh that's cute” so you get one of your own, not knowing they’re a hell beast, then you feel guilty about raising an only child so you make another one,” answered Akaashi.
“Also narcissism, you wanna make sure the world has more versions of you for the future,” added in Tsukishima as Bokuto bounded up to the trio, having just finished work.
“Hey guys!” he said at a volume that rivalled that of the children, “thanks for coming to get me!”
The three of them winced at the volume before silently apologising to the mother of the child they’d been scrutinising earlier.
“Hey man!” Said Kuroo as he hugged his boyfriend, “I’m so glad you’re here! These two have been so boring, they haven’t given me anything for my class project!” Bokuto preened under the praise and handed Kuroo his thickshake.
“Well I’ll give you anything you need!” he stated happily. Kuroo smiled at took a sip before promptly spitting it out.
“What flavour is this??” he asked as he took a deep gulp of his own drink, “its ridiculously sweet!”
“It’s honeycomb flavour,” said Bokuto, “it’s really not that great. I don't know what they were thinking.”
“There’s no honeycomb flavoured shake on the menu….” Noticed Akaashi as he motioned to Bokuto for a hug, Bokuto was
happy to comply.
“Yeah I just mashed up some of the crunchie topping from the McFlurries,” said Bokuto as he prepared to launch himself at Tsukishima and complete his set of boyfriend hugs.
“Honey is gross anyway, I’m so confused by how it even became a thing,” said Tsukishima as he pushed himself a little behind
Kuroo in an effort to protect himself from Bokuto’s incoming assault, “like, who looks at a beehive, thinks ‘you fuckers are hiding something delicious In there’ and just… breaks in?”
“Well they probably just followed the bear,” said Kuroo wisely as he moved out of the way for Bokuto to unleash his attack on Tsukishima.
“What,” deadpanned Akaashi, knowing that Tsukishima wouldn’t be able to answer himself from where he was being crushed by Bokuto.
“Well bears eat honey yeah? They probably saw the bear go up and followed his example,” said Kuroo as he reached over to Bokuto, deciding Tsukishima had been hugged enough for now, and freeing his greatful junior.
“…what,” repeated Akaashi as he stared at all three of them. Kuroo sighed at having to explain himself.
“Like, bear goes up to the hive for food, gets covered in sticky stuff, and the dude is like ‘gotta get me some of that action’ so he licks the bear and is like ‘this shit is good’ and tells all his friends.”
“Famous last words,” muttered Tsukishima as he sat down, apparently having recovered from his previous assault.
“What do you mean?” asked Kuroo.
“Like, before he gets mauled by a bear covered in honey,” answered Tsukishima.
“And probably stung by the bees,” added in Akaashi.
“What would a bee sting matter when you’ve just been mauled by a bear?” asked Bokuto as he finally took a seat down next to Akaashi, sipping on his drink and wincing when he remembered the taste.
“Well see that's the thing,” said Kuroo, taking over the story again, “he’s actually allergic to beestings.”
“What,” deadpanned Tsukishima with a look that told Kuroo he was being ridiculous.
“Yeah its like a plot twist, he dies from the sting,” Bokuto looked excited at the idea of a plot twist, Tsukishima just looked annoyed.
“What like. Surprise bee allergy?” he asked (in annoyance).
“Yeah health crisis’s are the best plot twist,” replied Kuroo, “especially in a story about bees.”
“Literally only you would think that,” interjected Tsukishima.
“I thought it was good!” piped in Bokuto.
“Okay, so the story is fine but how does that story equal honey business?” asked Akaashi, “since that was where this whole thing began…”
“Well,” continued Kuroo, “his final, screamed and agonising words were ‘hey this shit is pretty good guys’ and people thought
it was best to honour his final wishes. And so someone without a bee allergy tried some after the bear had left”
“…”
“The dude’s name was Honey,” Kuroo added helpfully.
“That's a terrible origin story,” stated Tsukishima.
“Honestly its probably better than Spiderman’s…” added in Akaashi, trying to be nice.
“I agree! Getting mauled by a bear and stung by bees is much more exciting than getting bitten by a spider,” said Bokuto with enthusiasm.
“And more realistic that he actually died and didn't just get some bullshit super powers,” said Kuroo in defence of his own story. Bokuto’s dead suddenly shot up with a start, his eyes wild.
“Ohhhh guys! But what if he didn't die?” he practically shouted, the nearby couple shook their heads and got up to leave.
“…What,” said Tsukishima, who was honestly sounding like a broken record at this point in time.
“Like, there’s another plot twist! He faked his death! And is now a masked avenger, with the powers of a bee and a bear combined!”
“So he can maul people… but only once or he’ll die?” asked Akaashi tentatively.
“Yeah! So he’s saving it for something really special,” nodded Bokuto.
“Then how the hell is he an avenger? If he can only use his powers once he can hardly be a vigilante of justice,” pointed out Tsukishima.
“Well he has other powers too,” said Bokuto stubbornly.
“You can’t just change his story!” Tuskishima exclaimed.
“Why not? I’m the narrator, I can do what I want, right Kuroo?” he turned to his boyfriend who was studying creative writing.
“Yeah man, the narrator is a God,” confirmed Kuroo with a final sip of his slushy.
“Way to stroke your own ego future writer,” said Akaashi from his seat diagonally away from him.
“Well if I don't stroke it who will?” asked Kuroo with a lazy smirk.
“I will bro,” said Bokuto happily.
“Thanks bro,” Kuroo replied with shining eyes.
“You guys are disgusting,” grumbled Tsukishima, “can we go home now?”
“Nope!” Bokuto smiled, “I need new slippers because Kimi tore up my last pair.”
“Bokuto, Turtles aren’t like dogs, you can’t just blame her for stuff you did,” pointed out Akaashi, “also what the hell happened to them? Kuroo won’t tell me.”
“I’d never rat out Bokuto, I swore an oath, “said Kuroo with a hand over his heart, “anyway, lets go.”
--
By the time they arrived at Kmart it was about 1am, Bokuto had complained about Kuroo’s slow driving, causing him to drive even slower just to spite his boyfriend, which had effectively doubled the trip time.
After they arrived Bokuto and Kuroo immediately ran to the sports section, picked up a basketball and started throwing it around.
“No!” shouted Akaashi from the next isle.
“You can’t even see us,” pointed out Kuroo as he caught the ball and threw it back.
“Yeah but I know what you’re doing and no. You’re going to knock something down. Put the ball back.”
“But I was gonna buy the ball!” argued Bokuto.
“Why would you want a basketball? You don’t even play basketball and you have a million volleyballs back home,” reasoned Akaashi as the two of them pouted.
“So mean,” Kuroo muttered as Akaashi had wondered off to find the slippers, wanting to finish up as soon as possible and go home.
“Didn’t you come here for slippers anyway?” he asked Bokuto.
“Can’t believe we got caught…” Bokuto muttered as Tsukishima walked up to the trio.
“Caught by who? The store clerk?” he asked, “what did you do?”
“We didn’t get caught by the store clerk we got caught by the schoolteacher!” answered Kuroo, “and why do you always assume
we did something?”
“The fact that you got caught sort of implies that doesn’t it….” questioned Tsukishima, “and Akaashi isn’t even a school teacher yet.”
“He’s close enough, always ruining our fun…” muttered Bokuto as they followed over to where the “fun ruiner” had gone.
“What was that sweetie?” asked Akaashi as he threw a pair of owl slippers directly at Bokuto’s head, he caught them and exclaimed happily.
“Nothing babe! You’re the best,” he answered and hugged the cute slippers.
“That’s what I thought,” said Akaashi smugly as they all heard Kuroo exclaiming from the basic wear section.
“Hey guys guys! I need you to come here,” came his voice.
“Why?” asked Bokuto, though he had already started heading in the direction of Kuroo’s voice.
“I have something really really great to show you!” was the reply.
Everybody gathered around Kuroo as he stood next to a rack full of bright orange high vis gear, it was incredibly eye catching and Tsukishima winced at the sight of it (the particular shade of orange giving him flashbacks to high school and a time he’d rather forget).
“This is my impression of a deer,” announced Kuroo as he bent his head slightly and held his hands out daintily: they were bent over in what seemed to be a poor imitation of hooves and he made slight clicking noises under his breath. He moved his head around a little before jumping slightly a few times, he then looked left for a moment before suddenly careening directly into the line of high vis gear, knocking many of the jumpers to the ground. He then stood up tall again and took a slight bow,
Bokuto gave him a round of applause as he stood smugly under the praise.
“That was so perfect bro,” he complimented.
“Thank you Thank you, I’m here all week,” said Kuroo, ignoring the unimpressed looks he was receiving from the other two.
“What the hell was that?” asked Tsukishima, looking annoyed at having been called over.
“Deers can’t see orange. It was a hilarious and educational skit,” informed Kuroo.
“You knocked down an entire rack of clothing,” stated Akaashi, he actually sounded kind of impressed. Kuroo started picking up the fallen clothing, all the while muttering under his breath about how ungrateful they were of his talents.
Tsukishima just gave him an incredibly unimpressed look at his utterings.
“My earlier statement still stands.”
“The one about how you think about me when you’re alone in the bathroom?” Asked Kuroo with a lazy smirk.
“I said I think about how I regret my life since meeting you,” Tsukishima reiterated with a scowl.
“Doesn't change the location,” Kuroo continued smirking, “or the subject of your ponderings.”
“Oh I ponder about you alright.” Tsukishima said as Kuroo covered his heart with his hand.
“You do care!” He and Bokuto hugged dramatically while Akaashi looked on in amusement until they dragged him into it as well. Unbeknown to all of them, Tsukishima had walked away from the three of them while they were distracted in the hug.
“Hold on, where did Tsukki go?” Asked Akaashi as he broke free of their grip. They all glanced around and saw that the only other person in their immediate vicinity was a disgruntled Kmart employee who was putting all the high vis jackets back into their original place.
“Hold on I’ll find him,” said Bokuto as he raised his hands to encircle his mouth in a makeshift amplifier, “HOOT HOOT” he called out.
“What are you doing?” Asked Kuroo in wonder.
“Bird calls, he’ll definitely respond, then we’ll know where he is.” Said Bokuto earnestly.
“Do you honestly think he will respond?” Asked Akaashi skeptically.
“Well, its that or he’ll get too embarrassed and run back here just to shut him up, either way it's a win,” said Kuroo with a shrug as he copied Bokuto and raised his hands to his mouth with a loud “HOOT”.
“You guys realise that he isn’t an owl right?” asked Akaashi in wonder.
“Shit bro you’re right, we’ve got to make crow noises,” said Bokuto as he hit Kuroo’s arm.
Kuroo rubbed his arm a little before questioning what that would sound like. Bokuto looked thoughtful for a moment before once again raising his hands to his mouth;
“COO COO” he shouted, twice as loud as his earlier hooting.
“That’s a pigeon,” said Akaashi, “A crow sounds a little different than that.”
“I’ve never seen one myself,” said Kuroo, “How would you do it?”
Akaashi pondered for a moment, before raising his hands to his mouth as well, “Caw Caw!” he said, a little quieter than the other two, but still loud enough to turn a few heads of other shoppers.
“How have you never seen a crow before?” asked Bokuto in wonder as Kuroo smirked.
“Oh I have, I just wanted Akaashi to get involved.” Akaashi sent him a brief glare before he resumed cawing.
“Hey do you know the difference between a Crow and a Raven?” asked Kuroo.
“No?” answered Bokuto, both of them having now forgotten their quest to find Tsukishima.
“Well, a Crow has 4 little pinions on its wings, while a Raven has 5,” said Kuroo before dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, “So
I guess you could say the difference is, a matter of… a pinion.”
Bokuto stared at him blankly for a moment while Akaashi looked on in disdain.
“You know, a matter of opinion?” Kuroo seemed a little dejected for a moment until Bokuto gave him a laugh that may or may
not have been out of courtesy.
“Bro is that true?”
“Yeah man, one hundred percent. It's a joke that is also informative,” Kuroo said proudly, echoing his earlier words.
“You are so full of educational jokes today man,” Bokuto said in wonder.
“You know that isn’t actually true… it’s just a joke,” came Tsukishima’s voice from the other end of the isle.
“Hey you’re back!” Said Bokuto happily as Kuroo muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “of course you’d know all about crows”.
“Welcome back,” said Akaashi.
“I never actually left, I just didn't want to be associated with the three of you while you were making weird noises in crowded stores at 1am.” Said Tsukishima, the only break from his monotone statement being the slight emphasis he put on “three” with an added glare at Akaashi. Akaashi just shrugged at the scrutiny.
“I like Birds.” He said simply.
“What about cats?” asked Kuroo expectantly. Akaashi fixed him with a completely deadpan look.
“They’re okay,” he said in a complete monotone. Kuroo clutched his chest and dramatically fell to the ground (knocking
another row of clothes to ground in the process).
“That was cold Akaashi,” he complained as the same sales clerk that had just finished cleaning up the high vis shirts noticed
him and the new mess he had just made, “why do you enjoy seeing me suffer so much?”
“Seeing you in pain gets me off,” said Akaashi with absolutely no emotion. His three boyfriends (and the disgruntled Kmart employee) all stared at him in complete shock for a couple of seconds, Kuroo might’ve whimpered a little bit.
“Is that true?” asked Bokuto in awe and Akaashi shook his head.
“Not really, but is still fun as hell,” he said with a smirk. His companions all finally released their breaths and Kuroo let his head
fall to the floor.
“I think I’m dead,” he mumbled into the pile of fallen clothes he was crushing, “Akaashi has finally killed me.” Bokuto poked
him in the side and he wriggled around a little.
“Akaashi you need to lay off of him,” he said with an out of character display of concern for his fallen boyfriend. Kuroo looked blessed.
“Thank you Tsukki,” he crooned from the floor and attempted to grab a hold of his long legs. Tsukishima simply stepped out of his reach and continued to address Akaashi.
“I made a bet with Sugawara that you would last another two years before finally snapping and killing one of them,” he finished. Akaashi looked a little surprised.
“Really? That’s lenient, I only bet one year for you,” he responded. Kuroo let out what could’ve been a sob and Tsukishima kicked him in the side (lightly).
“Get up, you know we’re only joking,” he made a face to Akaashi to let him know that he 100% was not joking before trying to lift a dejected Kuroo who was refusing to move.
“Just let me die,” he wailed.
“Hold on, I’ve got this,” said Bokuto as he reached down and scooped up his dejected boyfriend. Kuroo squawked in his arms.
“Put me down!” he grumbled.
“Not until you stop being a sad sack,” answered Tsukishima.
“I’ll stop being sad when Akaashi apologised to me,” grumbled Kuroo. Akaashi sighed before walking over to where Bokuto was standing and kissing Kuroo on the head. Kuroo perked up immediately.
“Are you happy now?” asked Akaashi in exasperation.
“Almost,” replied Kuroo as he pointed to his lips. “Can I get one more here?”
Akaashi sighed again but complied. Bokuto jumped excitedly, nearly dropping Kuroo to the ground and trying to point to his crotch.
“Can I get one too?” he asked, Akaashi rolled his eyes and Tsukishima went red. The Kmart employee chose this moment to finally interject with a small: “Um, can you guys please leave?” that had them all nodding and scrambling for the exit.
In the end Bokuto forgot to buy his slippers and Tsukishima refused to go back with him. Ever.