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He hated how heavy his head felt in his own hands; how greasy his hair was to the touch; how gross and sticky his face was and how his eyes burned from crying.
He hated how tingly his arms still felt, like little, microscopic stars exploding on his skin every time he so much as twitched.
He thought - he was certain - that he'd been past this.
Stupid.
His fingers tangled in his hair, beginning to pull.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Light seeped out from underneath the bathroom door, and if he let his eyes unfocus and imagined hard enough, he could pretend he was looking at a sunset or a shooting star, something brilliant and beautiful to dispel the still, suffocating darkness of his room. If he closed his eyes, and really thought about the light, maybe he could even pretend he was sitting outside, watching whatever the light turned out to be, and he could be anywhere in the world.
Anywhere, as long as it was far, far away from here.
Fucking stupid.
In the bathroom, the faucet had started running. In the bathroom, Tommy's hands were tying knots in a trash bag.
I wonder if he looked inside.
Luke sharply yanked on his hair, biting his lip to keep from hissing in pain.
No one was supposed to see him like this. He was ugly like this; a pathetic jumble of human error, like the box to a jigsaw puzzle filled with mismatched and missing pieces.
It didn't feel nice. Any of it. It- it wasn't relieving, or simple, or anything. It just hurt.
And now he was just hurt. Not relieved, not calmed, not rid of the boiling tension and no more connected to his body than he had been before. Whatever he had hoped to gain, it was still missing.
He was just hurt.
The bathroom door opened, and yellowish light filled the room; the sunset, the stars. Tommy stepped out, and either by a trick of the light or Lucas’ blurred, teary vision, his silhouette transformed into something almost godly, like a holy savior, before shifting back into its usual shape, kneeling by Lucas’ feet with a washcloth in hand.
He didn't say anything, didn't press for conversation or an explanation. He just smiled and began to gently scrub the tear tracks from Lucas’ face.
He tried to stop him. “You duh-don't ha-have to-,” shoving his hand away.
“I want to.” One of his hands enveloped both of his; patches of the moon blanketing a burning comet. “Please.”
The washcloth felt nice, and cold. Soothing, even, like something a parent would do to console a child. Tommy was so kind, and gentle, and Lucas wondered if he knew that he shouldn't want to, that the moon isn't required to intercept the blazing comet just because they are bound to the same solar system, doomed to exist in the same sphere, the same cosmic breath.
“I love you.” His voice dragged Lucas from his daze, soft and earnest. “I love you,” Tommy repeated, the washcloth being replaced with the gentle cradle of his hands. “I love you so much, okay? This doesn't- nothing will ever change that. Okay?”
Protest rose in Lucas’ throat. He wanted to tell him that he shouldn't; that he could give him a million reasons not to, one for each star in the sky.
But Tommy was still smiling at him, and the words died on his tongue.
Tears were pooling in his eyes and slipping down his cheeks before he could do anything to stop them.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered, falling into Tommy's open arms, back into orbit. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking stupid-”
Tommy held him close, running his fingers through his hair, pressing kisses to the top of his head as Lucas’ choked cries turned into sobs. Lucas felt his head was burning a crater into Tommy's moon body, but Tommy's hands held it there, with his ear right over his heart.
“You're not stupid,” he murmured. “Don't even think that, okay? I've got you now. I've got you, and you're not stupid, I promise. Okay, Luke? I promise.”
Outside, the golden dawn began to peek through the curtains, a sliver of golden light stretching across the floor, warmth reaching for the two boys in the center of the room, as if saying “let me help, let me help.”
And things weren't okay.
But with each new rising sun, they could be.