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Andrew stared up the stands where Neil had disappeared way too fucking long ago. Coach had pulled him from running drills with the freshmen, exchanged too quiet words, and then Neil was jogging up the steps pulling off his gloves as he went. Robin had taken up position in goal when it became obvious that Andrew was not paying attention to what was happening on the court. Just when he was about to storm up the steps, Coach and Abby be damned, the woman appeared at the top of the steps. She didn’t need to say a thing. Andrew was already pushing through the door and taking the stairs as quickly as possible. When he got close enough to her, he growled, “Where is he?”
“My office. He asked for you. I’ll be near if you need me.”
He tossed his gloves as soon as he entered the locker room. Neil’s gear was in a neat little pile outside of his closed locker. Andrew almost went straight to him, but his goalie pads were bulky and cumbersome at best. He discarded his gear with a lot less care than Neil had his. Only half of the lights were on in Abby’s office as he approached, and the curtain was pulled down on the window on the door as was customary if a patient was present. He raked his knuckles along the wood a few times before pulling it open. Neil was curled up on the examination table as small as he could fold himself staring across the way at the opposite wall. Andrew wasn’t sure if he was blinking. “Neil.”
His fingers were moving, curling, and uncurling, over and over around the silly stuffed fox Abby usually kept on her desk. It was tucked up under his chin and held close. He called out again, more sternly, and tapped the bottom of the table near the floor with his foot. Whatever dazed state his mate was in shattered as he came to life all at once; eyes blinking quickly, sitting up and turning his head toward his name. Still, there was something off about him, a little too much skittishness in those eyes, as if Neil would be gone the minute he looked away. Andrew could smell his distress and he wanted to suffocate it as quickly as possible. He slipped a hand around the back of Neil’s neck and gripped him firmly, to ground him, but also to keep him close. “Tell me.”
Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me anything to stop the worry I don’t want to admit to.
Neil just shook his head, curls bouncing over the edge of that awful orange bandana he hadn’t taken off since the beginning of practice. “Not here. Take me home.”
Practice wasn’t over for another ninety minutes. That gave him more than enough time to take Neil to the dorms, get him comfortable, and figure out what was wrong before coming back to pick up the rest of his family. “Take a shower. Put on the clothes I will leave out for you. I’ll take you to the dorms.”
‘No, Drew.” Neil curled his fingers in the fabric of Andrew’s armbands, somehow making sure not to touch skin. He stressed. “Home.”
“Shh. Go shower. Trust me.” He brushed his thumb over the raised mark on Neil’s neck, a little quirk of his lips when he melted at the touch. Taking Neil to their nest in Columbia would take a little more communication than the dorms would, but he didn’t care about that. Once his omega had disappeared into the showers and he heard the water turn on, Andrew set out his hoodie and sweatpants. He popped out of the locker room just long enough to tell Abby they were leaving and wouldn’t be back for a few days. “I think we should discuss options and-“
“No. Goodbye.”
“Andr-“ The door slamming behind him cut her off.
----
Neil was completely silent on the ride to the dorms for a few things. Andrew left him curled in the passenger seat, forehead pressed into the cool glass of the window, and he was still there when he returned with a duffle and one of their backpacks. A part of him wanted to sit there in that parking lot with the doors locked until Neil told him what was wrong and why he was so distant, but he trusted him. If Neil said he’d talk once he was home, Andrew believed him. The bed they shared in the dorm was covered in blankets and pillows in a makeshift nest. It usually was enough through the school year to calm Neil and keep his rabbit tendencies to a minimum, but when Neil couldn’t get out of his head, eyes glazed and his mind fuzzy, or when he felt the need to hunker down, recuperate enough to pick apart what was wrong, it didn’t even come close to their nest at the house. Andrew didn’t mind the drive. It was better than the way Neil used to run for miles as a coping mechanism prior. Then he’d return from classes or practice, wake up for the day, and find Neil already gone with his sneakers missing from where he tossed them under the bed, and he wouldn’t return for hours. Either stumbling in with a dead phone or calling from a random number asking for a ride because he wasn’t sure where he was. Andrew would accept a little drive over the panicked worry that something had happened to him when he wasn’t looking.
“Neil.” He offered his hand with the palm up between them and after a few moments, Neil’s hand slid against his. The man tugged it to burrow both of their hands into the pocket of his hoodie. For the rest of the drive, he felt Neil’s fingers gently tapping, tap taptap tap. Andrew took it for what it was. A reminder of I’m here, without words. When they finally pulled into the driveway, Andrew squeezed Neil’s hand. “Go on. I’ll be up in a minute.”
A kiss was pressed to his cheek before Neil untangled himself from Andrew and the car. Neil had made it half up the steps to the second level by the time he closed the front door behind them. The stairs leading up to the bedrooms creaked with each of his slow steps. He waited until he heard the bedroom door open before getting a bottle of Neil’s favorite juice from the pantry. The top of the cap informed him it was still good for a few more months, so he poured a large glass with a few ice cubes and tossed the closed container into the fridge.
Neil was fussing with the contents of their nest, tossing certain pillows while fluffing others, pushing and pulling blankets into specific spots only he knew, and frowning the entire time when Andrew finally made his way to their room. The glass of juice was placed on the nightstand with a soft clink of the cup against the wood. Andrew hopped up onto the top of his desk in an attempt to wait until Neil invited him in. If he was any less in control of himself and his instincts the noises his omega was making would have him crawling into that nest in an instant. A push of fabric here and a whine in the back of his throat in displeasure, a pillow gripped so tightly Andrew was sure he’d rip the fabric and a growl rumbled from his chest. Just when he was about to say fuck it and go to him, Neil stopped and turned, holding out a hand Andrew immediately took.
Once he was sitting with Neil, he allowed the man to rub his cheeks against his. Only when the omega was content his scent was transferred enough, did Andrew ask, “What did Abby tell you?”
“She wanted to talk about my blood test results.” Neil reached behind him and held a folded piece of paper that looked like it had been crumbled tightly in a ball at one point. With shaking fingers, he smoothed out the wrinkles as best he could, before offering it over. Andrew glanced down at the blood report and then back up at Neil’s face, trying to gauge what he was feeling. He quietly spoke, but it felt almost like a plea. “Read it.”
Name, age, gender and presentation, and mated status; things Andrew already knew. Every year before the school semester started, Abby did their physicals and took blood as required by the university to play. Then at some point in the middle of each semester, she would do another randomly as a precaution. Andrew had seen enough of Neil’s results over the last few years to know what the normal range was for his mate. Most were exactly as he expected them to be until hCG and the connected explanation; Heightened levels indicating high probably of pregnancy. Neil avoided his gaze when he looked up from the results, chin practically tucked against his chest as he spoke. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” Pregnant. Fuck.
Neil’s fingers twisted over and over themselves in his lap and he wouldn’t look up. “Abby said they’d need an ultrasound to confirm, but false positives are very rare.”
He needed to go, needed space, needed the wheel gripped between his palms and the whirl of the engine beneath him, but the idea of leaving Neil in their nest alone was unthinkable. He never thought he’d have to worry about pregnancy and having children because the probability of trusting someone enough to get close enough to cause conception was in the fucking gutter. Then he met Neil. It always came back to Neil. “Did you make an appointment? Rare isn’t impossible.”
Too much time passed before Neil looked up, evenly stating, “You don’t want this.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Doesn’t matter. If you want it, if I want it.” His eyes were a little glossy, but Andrew had never seen him cry when he wasn’t being physically harmed. No tears fell. A smile quirked but was gone as quickly as it showed and there wasn’t any happiness reflected in it regardless. “A pregnancy means taking the entire season off. Means no Exy. It’s a death sentence for me and a life sentence for any child that came from it. I won’t do that to my child and I won’t do that to you.”
Andrew let the blood test results fall to the floor off the edge of the bed and held his hand just off of Neil’s cheek until the man nodded. “Termination then.”
Neil pressed against the hand on his cheek as his eyes fluttered shut for a moment. “I’m sorry.”
“None of that, Junkie.”
“You deserve a choice.”
The scars on his cheek were familiar as he moved his thumb back and forth. “So do you, Neil.”
His face crumbled, eyes squeezed shut as he hung onto Andrew’s arm like a lifeline. He tugged Neil closer and gently arranged them so he could hold him against his chest. Tomorrow they’d have to address the pregnancy and begin the steps needed to end it. But that was for tomorrow. Right, then he’d hold Neil close and try not to think of what it would look like if their circumstances were different and they both indeed had a choice. The circumstances would never change, so what was the point?
----
As often as Andrew teased Neil for his staring problem, he was as guilty of it. They hadn’t been able to get an appointment until the following week. Ten days to be exact. They spent two days in Columbia hiding away from the rest of the world the best they could. Upon the third morning, Neil had looked across the breakfast table with a grim expression. “We need to go back.”
Andrew glared over his sweet pancakes, a bit of syrup dripping from his fork when he gestured toward Neil. “We don’t need to do shit.”
“I’m still Captain. I’m still-“ Neil swallowed thickly, his hand so tight on his fork that his knuckles were white. He hadn’t felt like eating much, so Andrew would rather he finished the first substantial meal he’s had in two days. “Abby won’t let me play, but I’d like to pretend nothing is different.”
He reached over to gently run his fingers over Neil’s clenched fist until he loosened his grip. They hadn’t talked much about the pregnancy after their first conversation, but Andrew had been thinking about it off and on again the entire time in an attempt to understand how he felt about it. Andrew was furious over Neil once again not having any choice over what to do with his body. He didn’t think much of what-ifs because they wouldn’t happen and there was no point, even if his subconscious gave him images of a small child with Neil’s curls and eyes while he slept. “Finish your food. We’ll head out in a few hours, alright?”
Neil nodded and then turned back down toward his food. The nausea he had been experiencing for the last few weeks was still as strong as ever. They found Andrew’s scent helped quench it for the most part and had found them with Neil’s nose pressed into him as much as possible when the queasiness got too bad. Andrew still finished his pancakes before Neil. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head on his way to rinse off the syrup.
----
Something was off with his brother. It started with him storming up towards Abby after Josten had been gone for most of practice and then disappearing without notice the next couple of days. He had been forced into Wymack’s truck with Nicky and Robin, half pressed into the door because of it. When they returned, Neil never padded up during practices, even if that didn’t stop him from stepping onto the court and barking out orders for drills and critiquing people’s mistakes. Even before they mated earlier in the year (and wasn’t that a surprise.) the two of them were in each other’s orbit more than they were not and often were tugged back together when the separation couldn’t be helped. Andrew was territorial about things and people he viewed as his, always had been, but for the last week and a half, it was like he was in the middle of his rut without an outlet for it. He had growled twice at Wymack for getting too close to Josten and broke Jack’s helmet by throwing it against the locker room wall when he looked ready to sock his mate. The animosity between Josten and Jack wasn’t new, but Andrew getting involved was. Most of the time Andrew left Neil to his own devices when it came to the other striker, trusting him to handle himself without assistance.
At first, he explained it away as maybe Neil was sick. He had gone to vomit often enough when Aaron was over their dorm playing video games with his brother to figure that out. Each time Andrew would stop the game and follow silently behind him. Neil almost always ended up curled beside Andrew on the beanbag, nose pressed into his neck as much as he could while still allowing the Alpha the ability to play the game. He was overly tired, curling up to nap on the lounge couch or even in Wymack’s office during warmups. Aaron thought about straight asking either of them what was wrong, but he knew more than likely Andrew would glare at him until he went away and Neil would tell him to fucking mind his business. Instead, he waited until his joint session with his brother to bring it up. Maybe with Bee in the room, Andrew would have a harder time dodging the question.
“What’s up with you and Josten?”
Andrew slowly lowered his cocoa, a bit of marshmallow lingering on his upper lip for a moment before he licked it away. “You’ll have to be more specific.”
“What has you acting like a knothead the last few weeks? There are only a handful of things that make you behave that way. Josten happens to be one of them. The biggest probably.” Aaron tapped his fingers against the ceramic of his mug and watched the way Andrew’s body tensed. He had come to the understanding that Neil was here to stay a while before he showed up with a fresh bite under a thick bandage on his neck, but that didn’t mean Aaron understood what about the omega had caught his brother so absolutely.
Andrew’s mug was gently placed on the table in front of him and his cellphone was wiggled from his back pocket. Was he just going to ignore the question? They still had most of their session left. If he didn’t want to participate, why did he show up? The phone pinged a moment later and Aaron watched as his brother breathed out all the tension in his shoulders. When he spoke again, Andrew was staring straight ahead. His voice was steady and even without smelling the way his scent burned with his anger Aaron could tell he was deadly serious. “If I tell you this, it doesn’t leave this room. I will not speak of it again and you will not say a fucking thing to Neil. Do you understand?”
“What is this about?”
Slowly Andrew turned enough to look at him, expression blank because of the way his jaw was clenched before he spoke. “Do you understand?”
“Yes. Fuck. I understand.” Aaron was the one who broke eye contact.
“Neil’s pregnant.” Before he could wrap his head around the thought of his brother with a child, Andrew continued. He had leaned forward to grab his cocoa and was stirring it slowly. “We’re not keeping it.”
Aaron blinked stupidly for probably way too long while pieces clicked together in his mind to complete the picture. The vomiting was pregnancy-related nausea and the fatigue was another symptom. Andrew being extra attentive and protective of him was just a result of his alpha instincts wanting to keep his pregnant omega safe. Andrew looked over, both hands around his mug. “Cat got your tongue, brother?”
Growing up Aaron was always taught omega’s were meant for bearing and raising children, and not much else. His mother had laughed at him the first and only time he mentioned that he wanted to be a doctor. He was still working on identifying and dismantling the fucked up ideology she had nurtured in him. Andrew would never put his child in the foster care system, not with how badly it failed him. That left one viable option. “You’re sure in your decision?”
“Yes.”
Aaron let out a shaky breath and flashed a little smile to his brother. “Then I’m here if you need anything.”
Hours later after their session was over and they had gone their separate ways, he stopped at the campus convenience store on the way back from Katelyn’s dorm. If he used some of his meal plan to get a box of strawberries and left them in Neil’s fridge for him, that was his business alone. Josten was still a pain in his ass and probably deserved to get his shit rocked at least once, Aaron couldn’t imagine dealing with what he was. He had no idea what he and Katelyn would do in their place. He flipped the man off the next morning when Neil was sitting near Andrew in the weight room, the container of cut-up strawberries held in his lap.
Neil snorted and returned it up against the plastic, not bothering to lift it from his lap. Aaron turned away to pick which machine to start his workout at with a grin on his face.
----
Between them on the roof was a paper bag with the medications and the instructions they had gotten from the doctor that afternoon. The bag their dinner of greasy cheeseburgers came in was crumbled up behind them to be picked up on the way in. The sun was beginning to set finally, letting the temperature drop from the blistering heat of the summer in South Carolina it was earlier. Students were returning and leaving the tower, walking to late classes or to one of the dining halls on campus, but Andrew didn’t care about any of that. His gaze was on Neil. The man hadn’t moved since they finished their dinner. Grasped between his hands was the single ultrasound photo they were given. It was way too early for it to resemble anything other than a clump of cells, but Neil had wanted it when asked. He barely caught Neil’s words when he spoke, they were so quiet. “Do you think my mom ever thought about it?”
“Be specific.”
“Since we made the appointment I’ve been thinking of her.” Neil’s gaze lifted onto the horizon, the gentle breeze rustling his messy curls. “When she found out she was pregnant, my father was the same man he always was. Had to be. One doesn’t become as cruel as he was overnight, even if he charmed her otherwise. Do you think she thought about terminating?”
When Andrew thought of Neil’s mother, most of the time plans of murdering her somehow were up next. He knew Neil loved her, just as Aaron would always love Tilda despite the abuse. “No.”
“She got me out. She protected me the best she could while we ran, but,” Neil sucked in a ragged breath, chin dipping toward his chest as he ran his thumb over the small photo. “I wouldn’t bring a child into this world if it meant putting them in danger. Having me with him did. If I hadn’t gone to Evermore for Exy, would we have ever run? If the iron to my shoulder wasn’t enough?”
“Why are you thinking of things you have no power to change?” He pushed his hand into the back of Neil’s hair, nails scraping softly against his scalp. Some of the tension pulled taunt in his shoulders loosened at the touch. “You are not your mother.”
“I know.” Carefully, Neil turned his body towards Andrew, one leg brought back over the edge of the roof. He held out the picture with one hand and Andrew hesitantly took it from him. He hadn’t looked at it very closely when they received it because it looked more like a bean than anything remotely human, but it was proof they created something good if only for a little while. “I have this image of her being my protector. Through all of the fear and pain, it was her and I. I’m having a hard time accepting that she could have protected me sooner, I guess. Prevented all of the pain.”
“We’re doing the right thing.”
“Yes.”
“But?”
Neil smiles then, soft and warm, and for a moment Andrew wants to kiss it off his face. “We’d have loved the shit out of this baby.”
Love was an odd word and concept for Andrew and for both of them. For most of their lives, love was skewed or used as a way to manipulate, but he knew what Neil meant. “Yeah. They’d have never qualified to be a Fox.”
They stayed up on the roof for a little while longer, Neil’s head resting on Andrew’s shoulder as they both stared off into the distance. When they finally headed back down to their dorm it had been hours since they had disappeared up on the rooftop and they both had an understanding of what they needed to do with the medication. Neil hovered for a few moments outside of the bathroom. Robin was hanging with the other girls on the team and the dorm was empty because of it. He had a towel gripped between both of his hands and one sock missing from his foot. “Can we go to the house for it?”
“Tomorrow?”
Neil simply nodded and that was enough.
----
Coach gave them the next couple of days off without much fuss. He simply stated that it was above his paygrade, but that he was there if either of them needed him for something. Andrew wasn’t sure if he knew the specifics of why Neil had been put on light duty the last couple of weeks, patient confidentiality, and all that, but he decided he didn’t care enough to ask. Abby made Neil promise to call her if he felt anything was off, which he reluctantly did. There was a little smile curved on the side of his mouth when she leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead mid-embrace. Robin had spent more time-pressed closer to Neil than she had prior. Even as a beta, she knew something was wrong, but neither of them wished to tell any more people.
They stopped at Walgreens on the corner of their neighborhood for a few last-minute things. Such as pads and a bottle of pain medicine, because their bottle at the house was more than likely very low from all the hangover-induced headaches. Neil quietly followed him, hands intertwined and pressed close when Andrew stopped to look at something. Hugged against his chest was a new heating pad for the expected cramps. Did they have one at home in the box under the bed full of their heat and rut supplies? Yes. Was Andrew going to bring that up? Absolutely not. The new one was larger and had an optional massage setting.
“Do you want anything else?”
Neither of them was a great sleeper, but Andrew could see how exhausting the last couple of weeks had been for Neil. Between the fatigue the pregnancy brought on and the nightmares caused by all the stress he was under, he looked like a stiff wind would knock him right over. He rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of Neil’s hand while he waited him out. Eventually, Neil shook his head. “Let’s get this over with.”
----
The USC vs Washington game was playing on the television. Neil was curled up along the length of the couch between Andrew’s legs, using his stomach as a pillow. Every so often he could feel the massage function on the heating pad turned on. He wasn’t sure why he still had the game on. Neil had fallen asleep not too long ago if his slow even breaths and lack of insults at the television were anything to go by. He’d blame having lost the remote if he was asked, but it didn’t matter.
Yesterday was the simple part. The first pill stopped the pregnancy from continuing to develop. There weren’t any cramps, but they still spent most of the day up in their nest curled up with one another. There was a certain comfort in just being near one another; sometimes that meant holding each other, others saw them with Andrew softly reading aloud one of the various books on their nightstand or tossing a ball made up of rolled-up socks between them with their feet touching. The second pill brought with it heavy bleeding and cramps that rivaled the worse ones of Neil’s preheat. Andrew wasn’t surprised how quickly Neil had fallen asleep once they had gotten comfortable on the couch. He had taken a very long, hot bath until most of his skin was wrinkly and pink. The pain had plateaued, or so Neil mentioned between his series of yawns against Andrew’s shirt.
He hated seeing Neil go through pain, especially when there wasn’t anything he could do to lessen the discomfort. Through the worst of it, they found themselves in the bathroom. Andrew had sat on the cold porcelain of the bathtub in front of Neil on the toilet, allowing him to lean heavily into him and curl his fingers as tight as he wanted around his hands. He had pressed his lips to Neil’s temple, closed his eyes, and mumbled soft words against his messy curls. ‘I’m here. You’re not alone Neil. It’s almost over. It’s alright.’
Andrew hoped everything passed as it should and that this would be the end of it. He didn’t want this to become more than it already was. Until then, he continued to caress between Neil’s shoulder blades and was comforted by the soft puffs of breath with how snuggled his cheek was into his stomach. Whatever came next, they’d tackle it as they had everything else, and all that mattered right then to Andrew was that Neil was safe and close.