Work Text:
Love is my worst enemy but I really love him
Sometimes in life you’ll realize the stench a man’s hold as on you. Their opinion shadowing yours, you want them to like you, to love you to be with you to live, breathe, exist for you. It just stinks. You think of yourself as a girls girl always say that if one of the girlies start to date you’ll support her and then you feel it. The vomit comes up in your throat and stays stuck in there. How can I speak with such disgust. You got jealous of a woman because she dating what a dude you like. “I mean yeah we fucked and talked about settling down having kids and all but we never dated” suddenly nothing matters I want to beat her up make her uncomfortable and drown her in uncertainty.
I want her to see the kids I have with him and realize I was here first, I want her to see all the gifts he keeps buying for me because I gave him kids. I want her to realize my kids don’t like her because they want mom and dad to be together again. I just feel like telling her he cheated on all his other girlfriends with me because he juste keeps running back to me. I want to tell her that I’m the one who met his dad and got compliments all night. I want to tell her that his older brother keeps remarking that with every new girlfriend he’s looking for me in them trying to find my personality, my looks, my cooking, my love, my laugh, my empathy, my natural mother instinct. I keep wanting to be mean to her to draw her away from him the truth is that I’m terrified that this time he really wants her that he’s gonna settle down with her give her kids and forget about me and our two children. I know he’s not like this but I can’t help it.
She a beautiful woman, miss universe kind of beautiful and I’ve been insecure my whole life. She wants to be a mother and I’m a mother. She older than us so more mature. She seems like a genuinely kind person and I can’t keep the bite from coming out of my mouth like the reflex of a dog who’s been beaten one too many times. She had a good childhood, she doesn’t have nightmares, she didn’t try to kill herself many times over the years, she’s tall, she’s slender, she’s everything a man ever wants.
Meanwhile I almost gave up on my daughter because of stupid stress, and I know I would never do that to her now, she deserves to have a mother with her. I try to have a better relationship with my body and food for her. I got over my fear of driving for her she looks so much like me I can’t fail like my parents did.
And my son my sweet youngest baby he looks just like his daddy, I almost cry every time I see him I feel him making a constant mistake their father is very present in their lives thank god but I always end up asking myself if they were better off without me. Just them and their dad. And her.
I’m a rugby player, it was written in my blood and decided before my birth, dozens of generations playing before me and strong genetics from some of the best playing countries mixed in one body just for it. A basque-Irish mother and a French international player dad. Short stature strong arms and legs, shoulders cut from marble and defined back. Everything to make a good forward a good hooker in my case. Which kind of makes me laugh, the irony of it simply too strong.
I had two kids two years apart with the same man both times we weren’t dating because we didn’t want anything serious, I’m his own personal hooker. The worst part is that I liked it and I still do. I like that there a way I’m only his. We could have dated you know reader, back when I was 17 I was talking with him and his best friend and like a stupid bitch I chose his best friend. It must have lasted three months but I missed my chance of having him. His mom loves me so did his dad, he passed a few years ago and I was there with him helping him through the loss and I thought it was inappropriate to date him then but again I could have had my chance. His brother keeps telling him he should get with me.
We’re like moths, he runs after my reflection and I run after him but we can’t seem to catch up with each other. She everything he’s the best player of his generation and I’m the mother of his kids and I can’t have him. Like a fucking idiot I seem to make the same mistakes as my peers like no experience is ever original. Like the desire to be better than the other never stops burning, like womanhood is nothing but a big fat lie to me if I can’t have him.
The day I put my hands on this man I’m never letting go, I’d kill him to keep him not in a rage way but out of pure despair and fear, the fear of having to perform and go toe to toe with miss univers again. I keep hoping he’s going to run to me again, that soon he’ll be back to my bed I’m stuck in a loop where I can’t forget the feel of his skin on mine, or the way he sounds when he’s not holding back his accent. Because I know he’s truly comfortable with me. The way he brushes my hair and learnt styles on my hair for our daughter, the gentleness, the sound of the tutorial in the background, the simple question asking if he’s not hurting me. I still smile when I remember him doing it on our baby for the first time the memory engraved in me dictating my whole life, a core memory to me is watching him interact with our children. Teaching them the rules of rugby and watching matches together, teaching them how to tie their shoelaces. My children are my whole world but it’s never complete without him. I miss having him just for me.
I’m like a spoiled bitch when I could have it I said no and now that it’s gone I can’t help but need it.
I’ve been doubting myself my whole life, a harsh childhood and an abnormal relationship with men will do that to you. I try to love myself and it goes well and then I see his new girlfriend and I crumble as if only his opinion had ever mattered. Not even my son calling me the most beautiful woman on earth can make me feel better in those moments. Children always say the truth and yet I always fear he might be lying ( how can a four year old lie about that ).
We have tiny version of each other and yet we don’t have each other. Give me my stupid bastard.
Who is even nicknamed Toto in the real world ?
“What I want I can’t have for I am a yearner for the untouchable”