Chapter Text
The entire ride to the university, the days seemed to last forever. Ellie had always hated that feeling before, because usually it’d come while she was trapped in dark closets as a toddler, or in the mall where she’d shot Riley. It wasn’t like that now. Now, the days felt long because she wanted them to be.
They were happy.
Joel was happy. More than happy, he was soft, and that was almost nicer. Ellie had never had that before. She’d never had anything: nothing but cold, sharp hands and an empty stomach and cold rooms to sniffle inside of and be locked behind when she took more than a crumb. Compared to all of that, Joel was like a big teddy bear now. And she clung onto him like a kid would, because she’d never felt like one before.
“Ellie.” Joel let his gaze sit against her sleeping bag, a fond glint waiting in his eyes. She just squirmed, and yawned into the pillow under her head. “Earth to Ellie,” He beckoned again, only earning himself another small, precious yawn.
“... five more minutes,” Ellie whined into her sleeping bag. Joel smiled at the familiarity of the plea. “... it’s so warm in here, dude.”
“It’d be warm out here too if you wore your scarf like I told you,” Joel lectured in response, making Ellie hide the sudden smile on her face deep against her pillow.
“ Maria made it,” Ellie lamented, scooting up in her sleeping bag and taking her blankets with her. “She probably put, like, fucking barbed wire in there somewhere.”
Joel chuckled in amusement, and then took the scarf from its spot in his bag and tossed it down against the foot of Ellie’s blankets. “C’mon, kiddo,” He beckoned again, his voice gentler this time. “Can’t sit here all day.”
Ellie groaned, and then retreated into her sleeping bag again. “Why not?”
Joel’s wrinkles foiled with a smile, and he shrugged. “‘Cause we’re gon’ find the Fireflies today.”
Immediately, Ellie’s face perked up out of its hiding place, and she was up. The suddenness of it was cute, but somber. Joel had been trying so hard not to let her jump to anything with the vaccine, or let the bite on her arm become the only thing that she thought mattered, but it was a useless game. He couldn’t blame her. He couldn’t imagine all of the garbage that Marlene had put in her head.
“Really?” Ellie chirped.
“If you get movin’, that is,” Joel drawled. He tried not to frown at the corresponding speed with which Ellie scrambled out of her sleeping bag. It’ll be over soon, he told himself, sighing.
I can take us home.
Take care of you.
Give you what Sarah had.
It was a nice future.
Joel couldn’t remember the last time he’d had one of those. He let himself daydream about it while they rode through the last few miles. Ellie’s voice broke him out, unsurprisingly with a question about the horse.
“Can he sleep in the house with us when we get back to Jackson?” Ellie questioned, fixing her grip against the back of Joel’s coat with a series of pleading tugs.
“The horse?” Joel snorted.
A pout claimed Ellie’s face. “You know his name,” She answered flatly, unimpressed.
“Callus,” Joel granted with an amused shake of his head. “Weird damn name for a horse.”
“Well, it’s not my fault you forgot to ask Tommy his name,” Ellie replied, crossing her arms very professionally over her chest. She kept up the posture for a few seconds, glaring, and then forgot it, and focused back on her request. “Can he stay with us in the house?” Her smile bounced back. “ Pleaseee?”
Joel smiled. He liked hearing Ellie whine like a little kid. Like Sarah. He was glad that she got to be that. Also like Sarah, it was a miracle every time he managed to say no to her. “Mm-mm.”
“ Joel,” Ellie complained.
He shook his head. “Only one wild animal in the house at a time.”
“ Dude.” Ellie pushed out a huff, her expression scrunched and feisty and cute. Joel just peered back and watched, wearing a gentle, old smile. “I’m not that feral.”
“Mm-hm,” Joel drawled back, smiling still. “Who’s the one that’s been washin’ the crumbs out of your pockets, then?” He said it like it was simple, like when he’d tease Sarah each time he saw the state of her room, like a bomb site, when really it was much sadder: Ellie clung onto every scrap of food she got, like another wasn’t coming. She hid it in her pockets too, like someone was going to steal it.
It was a sad reminder that Joel was the first person to ever take care of Ellie, or even keep her name in their thoughts. He was the first person to lecture her if her jacket wasn’t zipped all the way, or lay a blanket on her when she passed out. He looked for things that he knew would put a smile on her face, like her ever-growing pile of comic books and brightly-colored shoe-laces. He was the first person to do pretty much everything, and also the first to do nothing.
Joel didn’t hit Ellie. He didn’t lock her in closets, or steal her food and water if she said bad words. He didn’t yell at her if she got hurt, or laugh in her face if she cried when she did. He didn’t say mean things, and when he had, it’d only ever been a shitty attempt to cover up the fact that he cared about her.
It was all so new.
And Ellie fucking loved all of it. She felt like an anglerfish seeing the sunlight for the first time.
Ellie let her arms circle a little closer around Joel’s waist, and then planted her chin against the back of his shoulder. His jacket was warm and soft, like the rest of him, and she settled in. She was cozy, like in her sleeping bag, and so it wasn’t long before she was dozing off.
Joel turned his eyes over at the feeling of Ellie’s dead weight behind him, and he smiled, and rolled his eyes. “... like a damn sloth,” He murmured gently, draping one of his arms back and planting his hand against her back to make sure she wouldn’t fall. “... get some rest, kiddo,” He whispered after, because she was probably going to need it.
Joel wasn’t exactly sure what he was delivering them to. He knew who, though, and that almost worried him more. He tilted his eyes up to the sky.
Just let it be easy.
Please.
Looking back on it, it was a practical ask. When the hell had anything ever been easy for them? For Ellie? Never.
Ellie woke up to gentle nudges. “Hey.” She mumbled in complaint, and then turned her drooled-over chin to sit deeper against the back of Joel’s shoulder. He smiled down at the image, fond, and then nudged her again. He chuckled at the growl that followed. “Easy,” He brokered peace. “We’re here, kiddo.”
At that, Ellie’s head perked up. She met Joel’s eyes briefly, registering the soft amusement on his face, and then glanced past him and found a collection of buildings resting on the distant horizon. The Fireflies, she realized, sitting up now. The weight of the bite on her arm was suddenly impossible not to feel.
We’re here.
Please let it work.
The quiet anxiety claimed most of Ellie’s attention as they rode through the spiked iron fences and entered the campus. Joel found himself trying his hardest to steal it. “Y’know I toured a few of these,” He volunteered suddenly, managing to draw her focus up.
“Really?” Ellie took the bait.
“Mhm,” Joel nodded. “Never went,” He added soon after. “I had Sarah too young. But I saw a few down in Texas beforehand.” A smirk curled over his lips. “Back when I still thought I’d be able to afford it.”
Ellie smirked too. “What were you gonna study?” She nudged, curious.
Immediately, the corners of Joel’s lips curled up into a smile, and he chuckled. “You’ll laugh,” He denied, shaking his head, though all his rejection did was light a mission in Ellie’s soul.
“No, I won’t,” She denied quickly, perking up now. “ Joel,” She complained after. “I’m not gonna laugh, dude, I promise.” Her finger dove in front of him suddenly, waiting. “I pinky promise. Joel. ” She waited. “Come on. That shit’s like a blood oath.”
An amused adoration spilled over Joel’s face, and he rolled his eyes, and then linked his pinky with Ellie’s. “Alright,” He agreed, pulling away after a few seconds. “I…” A last moment of self-preservation flashed by, but he let it go. “... I was gon’ study music,” He admitted finally, immediately preparing for the storm of giggles that he knew was coming. “Be a country singer, if I could. Just like Johnny Cash.”
Joel pressed his hand to his heart right after, and then raised it to the sky, just because he knew it’d break the damn. It did.
A storm of giggles claimed the space behind Joel, and he listened, keeping his gaze forward so as to hide the glint of pure joy in his eyes. Ellie’s laugh, small and full of energy like her, was his favorite sound in the whole damn world.
“I’m sorry,” Ellie managed through her giggles. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” Whatever excuse she was going to attempt was broken off by another laugh, and she gave up. “ Oh. Wow.”
“Pinky promise, huh?” Joel drawled in a faux, drab tone. Still, the grin on his face stayed. Ellie’s laugh was like music to his ears, the most precious song he’d ever heard.
“Were you gonna have a stage name?” Ellie managed eventually, still half-giggling. There was a fresh layer of amused, hot tears of building in her eyes.
Joel rolled his eyes again, still grinning like an idiot. “Mhm,” He nodded, smiling, because he knew that the dam was about to break all over again, and he was already smiling under the phantom sound of more of her giggles. “You ready?” He cooed.
“ Oh, yeah,” Ellie laughed.
Joel played out a heavy, serious sigh. “Joel the Bull.”
Cackles.
As soon as the words left Joel’s lips, Ellie was laughing so hard that there were tears in her eyes, and holding her stomach so that it wouldn’t come apart at the seams. She didn’t mind the hurt though, or the tears: they were happy, she was, and he was too, so she was fine suffering it forever, as long as she could stay in this moment.
“You done?” Joel drawled. There was a big smile in his voice, the old softie.
“ Oh,” Ellie managed finally, her cheeks warm and pinched with laughter. “Yeah.” She couldn’t break the giggles out of her voice. “Yeah, I’m done.” After a few seconds, she’d managed to win some stability back in her face and her lungs, and she lifted her eyes, and set the adoration of her gaze against Joel’s face. “You’ve gotta sing something now.”
Joel chuckled. “No way,” He denied coolly. “God, you’d never let me live that down.”
“I will!” Ellie fussed. “ Joel, I will, I promise.”
Joel just chuckled again, enjoying how much Ellie was squirming behind him. “I’ll tell you what,” He began, putting an end to the pleading series of tugs that she was giving against his coat. “I’ll sing for you after all this is over.” He turned his eyes over his shoulder and found her face, certifying his promise. “Ain’t no good country singer who’s anythin’ without his guitar anyway.”
A grin lit over Ellie’s face, and she rolled her eyes. “Okay, old man.” Barely a second later, she took her place against Joel’s shoulder again, and settled. He smiled, and let himself enjoy it.
Sadly, it didn’t last long.
When the quiet returned, Ellie remembered where they were. Furthermore, she realized how silent it was. “Where is everyone?”
Joel frowned. He had noticed it minutes ago, how quiet and desolate and abandoned the campus was. He’d just been waiting for Ellie to catch up. Even now, he still didn’t say anything, too busy wondering how to reply without getting her hopes up, leaving her to search for her own answer.
“We should’ve seen something by now,” Ellie realized, dragging her eyes now over everything in her sight, like there’d be an entire militia hiding under a fucking bench or something. “Joel. They’re gonna be here, right?”
“Easy,” Joel soothed. He could hear the anxiousness in Ellie’s voice, probably even more than she could. “Tommy said they’d be holed up in a lab. It’s gon’ look like a big mirror, so just keep your eyes peeled, kiddo.”
Ellie nodded, and then settled. It made it easier, to have a mission, something to commit to her mind to. It wasn’t long before she found the lab.
Joel pulled the reins over Callus’ head and then let them down in Ellie’s mitted hands. “Show me how you tie him up,” He ordered gently. To her credit, she did, despite how clearly she wanted to rush into the laboratory and start her search. She made quick work of the reins, presenting a steady quick-release knot to his waiting eyes, and then walked practically on his heels as he led them towards the large glass doors.
The lab was empty.
Ellie had known it in her heart before they’d even made it through the doors, but it still felt like someone had let the air out of her when she confirmed it. She let her eyes sit against the lifeless building, and then hunkered down herself, a little emptier than she had been a minute ago.
Joel passed by, his expression soft and pitiful and angry. One job, he thought quietly, picturing Marlene’s stupid face. You had one goddamn job. His dark, molten eyes trailed over the ransacked, silent building. With one glance, it was easy to see that no one had been here for weeks. Ellie passed by quietly, the only sign of life for miles. The annoyance in his face hunkered down. She did everything.
“All they had to do was be here,” Ellie finished the thought. She said it like a question, like she couldn’t fathom why they hadn’t waited for her. The confusion was followed closely by bitter annoyance.
Joel sighed. “Let’s just see if we can find where they went,” He offered, brushing his palm gently over Ellie’s shoulder before starting towards the staircase. He carried a dying prayer up each step, the one that the second floor would be any less useless than the first.
Ellie followed after, carrying the same withering hope.
There was an old classroom at the top of the stairs. Joel led them through the door with the tip of his rifle, and then settled somewhat after the first look inside. His eyes found the map immediately, as did Ellie’s. She perked up, and hurried forward to get a closer look.
“Salt Lake,” Ellie read aloud, exchanging short glances with Joel as they both examined the map in front of her. “Is that a place?”
“It’s a city,” Joel confirmed. “It ain’t far,” He answered before Ellie could ask. “Probably only another week and a half or so, if we really keep at it.”
Some of the apprehension fled from Ellie’s face. It was a scrap of hope, a thread, but she could work with that. As long as she had something. “They’re gonna be there,” She decided, nodding her head in an attempt to make herself feel as sure as she sounded.
“Alright,” Joel replied, running away both from getting Ellie’s hopes up as well as sinking her down. He just offered a shallow attempt at a smile, trying to make up for how lackluster his response was, and then nudged her as he passed. “C’mon, then.” He led them back down the same set of stairs. “Callus is waitin’ on us.”
A brief smile graced Ellie’s face. “You remembered his name,” She cooed from behind, letting Joel smile too.
“I did.”
The sweetness of the moment ended fast, an all too familiar trend.
As they met the bottom of the staircase, they were offered a view of the tree that Ellie had hitched Callus to. There were three horses standing beside him, all saddled and carrying malnourished collections of supplies, as well as rifles.
Joel stopped, and Ellie did, too, though their expressions were very different. “Fireflies?” She questioned aloud, daring to hope again.
Joel shook his head. “No,” He squashed the optimism under the urgency of the situation. Fireflies were thieves, and their supplies reflected that fact. Newly made military guns, F.E.D.R.A rations with real meat and real dairy, untattered clothes and shaved, clean faces. The practically empty saddle bags of the horses, as well as the rusted guns stocked against the horses’ ribs, weren’t up to standard.
Neither were the men that grazed by suddenly.
Joel sank down, tugging Ellie along with him, and watched the pack of men through the shattered windows. Their faces were sullen and hungry, their eyes sunken in and dark. Their clothes were appropriately loose: they looked starved, and that meant they were desperate, and that made them dangerous. The fact that they were men alone made them dangerous.
Ellie’s expression slackened for a second time. Not Fireflies.
Meanwhile, Joel was busy calculating a way out. He watched the men, counting each step that they took away from the horses, and then laced his fingers with Ellie’s. “... c’mon.” She followed, acting like his shadow while he led them forward; they were a well-oiled machine by now.
As they began beyond the safety of the lab, Joel craned his head, making sure that the men were continuing still in the opposite direction. The snorts of the horses got closer as they crept across the quad. He turned his head back at the sound, and found Callus. “... get him loose,” He ordered quietly, reluctantly loosing his grip on Ellie’s hand so that she could go; every inch of distance between them suddenly felt wrong.
Ellie perked up behind the cover of Callus’ body so that she could reach his reins. She made fast work of the quick-release knot that she’d tied and then lifted her eyes up over his mane in a search for Joel, only to find another man barreling towards him.
“Joel!”
Joel spun his eyes around just in time to watch as he got tackled. The concrete underneath hit him hard, pushing all of the air out of his lungs and making the fight leave him for a good few seconds. It was too fucking long, and it gave the hunter more than enough time to kneel all of his weight on top of Joel. “Over here!” His voice rang out a warning to the others.
Ellie watched the entire thing, her eyes glued to the back of the man’s head and her palms squeezing either side of her gun with a stressed pressure. Joel had taught her better than to just shoot if someone was on top of him, because the bullet could go right through and hit him too, but, fuck, just waiting here was torture.
My knife.
Ellie’s fingers scrambled for her pockets and then reemerged with her switchblade. Her expression hardened after, and she pounced.
“Fuck!” Joel heard the grunt above him, and felt the hunter sink down under Ellie’s added weight. He saw a glimpse of her arms, wrapped around the man’s neck as she hung on him. “You little fucking… get off!” His nerves lurched at the realization that she was here now too, here in the danger where she wasn’t supposed to be, and he began to struggle harder.
And then Joel saw the glint.
The hunter had a knife.
And Ellie didn’t see it.
Both facts spread through Joel’s veins like heavy fire, and he lurched, or tried to get a warning out to Ellie, but the hunter’s knee was still pressed down against her throat, so he did nothing but grunt and watch as the man took grip of Ellie’s ponytail and then settled for her instead. The weight left him, and instead found her.
“ C’mere, ” The hunter growled, catching Ellie’s throat under his palm and keeping her up in the air where she’d pounced. “You little fucking bitch.” He squeezed harder, pushing a wheezed breath out of her lips, and then reached for the blade on his belt.
“Ellie!” Joel moved all of his weight up as fast as he could, his lungs stiff with dread, and then let it crash against the hunter. He fell, as did Joel, and Ellie. The knife fell too.
Joel didn’t realize yet that it had fallen with Ellie. He was too focused on the man underneath him.
Again, they were struggling against each other, only this time, Joel was on top, and because of that, it ended a lot faster than it had the first time. He wrung his hands around the man’s neck and twisted, conscious of the fact that Ellie wasn’t anywhere close, which meant that she was safe, which meant that he could breathe again, and he saw it over.
There was a loud crack, and the man’s head slumped over, boneless and broken against Joel’s hands. “Fuck.” He sat back for a second, panting and catching his breath, but then brought his eyes up at the sound of more voices, more men coming. “Ellie,” He beckoned, standing. “Ellie. C’mon.” His eyes grazed back.
“Ellie?”
Why was it so quiet? Joel searched for an answer. With speed, he found Ellie against the snow. Still, no relief came. She was completely still, the most unmoving he’d ever seen her. And there was something spreading under her. Squinting and confused, he stepped closer, and then froze.
Blood.
It was fanning out under Ellie’s body, taking her and claiming her like cordyceps. After a few endless seconds, she moved in it, curled up, and then immediately whimpered as a result; the knife in her stomach had twisted.
The sound was what broke Joel out. “Ellie,” Her name fell out. Before he even knew what he was doing, he sprinted forward and then crashed right back down, scooping his arms underneath Ellie’s body. “Ellie. Oh, God.” When he moved her, the knife shifted, too, and she cried out; a sharp wince claimed his face, like a gunshot had gone off. Had it? His eyes lifted up, searching for a soldier’s flashlight.
“Sarah. Don’t do this to me, baby. Don’t do this to me.”
“Please. Please, God. Oh, no .”
Joel scrunched his face, wincing beneath the phantom sting of the light, and sagging under the weight of two girls bleeding out in his arms. Ellie sobbed then underneath him, and brought his eyes back down. The flashlight withered away, replaced with the coldness of her blood. “Ellie,” He panted again. “Oh, God.” His eyes found the knife buried in her ribs. He hovered over it, paralyzed, and then wrapped his grip on the handle.
Ellie saw, and lit up with terror. “ Nn. ” She panicked, squirming and crying and slipping her hands against Joel’s chest, all in a desperate fucking attempt to get his grip off of the handle. Nothing worked, and then he pulled.
Joel winced underneath the pitch of the scream that lept out of Ellie’s mouth. He physically shrank, like someone had dropped the world over his head, and then pressed his palm against her abdomen and listened as she screamed again. Footsteps hid underneath now, and he picked his head up, and realized three more men running towards them.
“Ellie,” Joel’s eyes scrambled down again. “I have to get you up. I have to get you up, honey, okay?” He lowered his arms under her knees and her arms. Her hands followed the entire time, clawing weakly and slipping against her own blood as she fought not to move. “I know,” He mourned. “I know. I’m sorry.” The apology was a preparation, because immediately after, he scooped her up against his chest and lifted them up.
Ellie cried the entire way.
“Hey!”
Joel’s eyes lurched over his shoulder and found the other hunters, who’d grown dangerously close. “Fuck.” He focused on Ellie again. “Stay with me.” He pressed his chin against her hair, a quiet, lasting promise that he was still there, and then lodged his foot in Callus’ stirrups. The corresponding climb jostled her, and she cried again, and gave another unfocused attempt at protest, but it just got worse.
They were bouncing now.
Riding.
Callus.
Ellie felt her face smudge against Joel’s chest. The new angle allowed her a bleary view of the university growing smaller behind them. She puffed her cheeks, trying not to be sick. Everything was spinning so fast. It felt like she was inside a washing machine. She clung onto the only thing that wasn’t moving. “... Joel?” Her voice was so tiny, and still the only thing he heard.
“I’m right here,” Joel promised. “I’m right here, I’m right here. Just keep your eyes open for me. That’s all you’ve gotta do, sweetheart, okay?” His gaze darted in between the path ahead of them and then Ellie underneath, his heart dropping into his stomach each time he had to search and make sure her eyes were still open. “I’m gonna fix this. I’m gonna make it okay. Just stay with me, baby girl.”
Ellie would’ve soaked those two little words up like a sponge an hour ago. Now, she didn’t even hear them. Everything was so blurry, and it was all spinning again, only it was like a whirlpool now, fast and exhausting and quickly depriving her of what little she had left.
Ellie felt herself falling, flying, like she was in space. When she landed, everything was a blur. She could only see shapes and colors, and barely that.
“ Ellie! ” Joel rushed down from the horse, dread coiling around his entire body as he slid down once more and knelt beside her. “Ellie, Ellie.” He spared one of his hands to press against her side, and the other to frame her face; the blood on his palms smeared against her cheek, the sight making him nauseous. “Can you look at me, baby? Hey, find my eyes.” Her eyes weren’t quite closed yet, but they weren’t open either. He could make out a glimpse of her dark brown eyes searching lazily for something, for him.
“Hey, hey, I’m right here,” Joel beckoned, slanting Ellie’s face over to sit under his own. “I’m right here, sweetheart. Just stay with me now. Just keep your eyes open.” He pressed his thumb against her freckled cheek, a further, silent plea, and then let his focus fall down to her side. “Just stay with me.”
Even with her muffled hearing, Ellie could still make out Joel’s voice. She’d never heard him so scared before, or so soft. It made her want to stay here with him, to keep her eyes open, but everything just felt so slow. She caught a last glimpse of his soft gray hair, and then felt her eyes sink underneath the unbearable weight hanging over them.
Almost immediately, Ellie’s body slackened, like she’d been given some sort of peace, a break from the unbearable pain. Joel’s eyes raced up. He’d felt it before, felt Sarah relax as she’d died. The only difference this time was that Ellie’s eyes weren’t open. Still, he whimpered.
“Ellie,” Joel rushed forward, completely forgetting Ellie’s side and instead clasping either of his palms against the smallness of her face. “ No. No, oh, God.” Every word was a choke. “Don’t do this,” He pleaded. “Don’t do this, please.” He let his hands slip back and brought her up into his chest. He cradled her, just as he had Sarah, and prayed for a different ending. “Stay with me.” His tears soaked her hair. “Stay with me, baby girl. Stay with me.”
Joel closed his eyes, and let his face hide against Ellie’s limp head. He hid her as deep as he could inside his chest, like he could protect her now from what he hadn’t minutes ago. It was supposed to be him bleeding out here, not another one of his girls dying in his arms. “... no,” He whispered again, broken. “... please don’t do this.” He kissed her hair. “... please.”
Joel whimpered again.
Please, God.
He turned his eyes up.
Please not her too.
He sobbed again against Ellie’s hair. It was supposed to be him. The only thing he couldn’t fail at was surviving. Like a fucking cockroach.
Ellie moved suddenly, tearing Joel out of his misplaced grief. It was just a squirm, followed by a weak, tired whimper; still, they were both the most precious fucking things in the entire world, because it meant that her heart was still beating.
Joel’s eyes wilted against Ellie’s hair. Of course her heart was still beating. His girl was a fucking fighter, from the first second that he’d met her. Now, she needed him to be one too.
Joel pressed another kiss against Ellie’s head. Okay, baby, he thought silently, and then lowered his arms and scooped her up against his chest. I’ve got you.
Joel’s eyes fixed on a town in the distance, a faraway blotch on the horizon. He held Ellie closer.
I’m not losin’ you.
Not you too.
Just stay with me.