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It wasn’t unusual for Shauna to slip away when nobody was looking. She would wait for her window and then silently stalk through the woods to her favorite spot. She always took a moment to kneel in the grass and press her palm against the smooth stone she had laid there. Sometimes it made her cry, sometimes it made her smile. On this particular day, she couldn’t bring herself to feel anything. She was so tired, so deeply exhausted.
“Shauna?”
Shauna turned to see Melissa waiting at the edge of the small clearing, partially obscured by the trees. Shauna almost smiled at her, but she could bring herself to. Instead, she just turned her attention back to sharpening her knife, a wordless invitation. Melissa sat beside her, not close enough for their knees to touch but close enough that Shauna could practically feel her heartbeat. Her presence wasn’t exactly soothing, but it was akin to the feeling of a scratchy wool blanket being wrapped around her. Warm, slightly uncomfortable, and familiar.
Shauna sighed and sheathed her knife, placing it beside her on the mossy log. She didn’t say a word as she laid down on her side, letting her head rest in Melissa’s lap. Melissa froze up for a second, a habit Shauna had noticed, before gently bringing a hand to Shauna’s head and running her fingers through her hair.
“You don’t have to be so nervous all the time,” Shauna said. She knew she sounded mean, she knew that if any of the others heard they would think she was cruel. But Melisaa understood that it was the only way she knew how to communicate. She looked up to see that Melissa had cracked a tiny smile.
“See, isn’t that better?” Shauna asked, rotating onto her back so that she could stare up at her.
“Yeah,” She agreed, her smile widening, “It’s nice.”
Shauna held eye contact with her, and she began to relax. She was always on edge, and she had a feeling she always would be. But here, with her, she allowed herself to take a deep breath for the first time in a while. They were far enough from their makeshift village that all they could hear were the sound of the woods. She let herself imagine for a moment that they weren’t stranded, that this was just a normal day.
They didn’t need to speak, so they didn’t. Melissa knew that Shauna liked the quiet, so she was always quiet. Shauna closed her eyes and let herself get lost in birdsong and the distant bubbling of the creek. She could feel Melissa’s breathing, and matched her own so that they inhaled the same air. Shauna opened her eyes and looked up at her for several minutes before speaking again.
“It’s not gonna be this warm for much longer,” She stated. They both knew it was true, although everyone had avoided talking about it. Shauan didn’t say it like a threat, although it felt like one.
“Yeah,” Melissa sounded scared, and Shauan furrowed her brow. She didn’t want her to be scared. She reached out and took her hand intertwining their fingers.
“We’re gonna make it.” Shauna said it like a fact, because to her it was one. After everything they'd been through, there was no way she was dying out here just because it got cold. Melissa wasn’t comforted by her words. Shauna frowned. She was supposed to be able to fix things. She searched for the right thing to say, the right promise to make, to convince her that it was going to be okay.
“We should make the most of it,” Melissa interrupted her brooding, “The summer.”
“How so?”
Melissa smiled, that lopsided grin that Shauna had grown to love, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you washed yourself?”
Part of Shauna was deeply offended, and if anyone else had spoken those words she would be at their throat. But Melissa smiled at her, a playful gleam in her eyes, and Shauna couldn't help but smile back.
“So you think I smell bad?” She teased.
“I never said that,” Melissa quipped back, “but it could be nice to rinse off.”
“Yeah, that would be nice.” She sat up and got to her feet, offering a hand out to Melissa, “Are you sure you’re not just trying to see me naked?”
Melissa’s face flushed pink, “It would be an added bonus for sure.”
Shauna laughed. She didn’t crack up or snort, but she chuckled under her breath. It was a rare occasion these days, but with Melissa, she found herself laughing more often. She held onto her hand as they walked over to the wider part of the creek where the group usually bathed themselves and washed their clothes. She looked around to ensure that they were alone before dropping her hand and turning around.
They both undressed wordlessly, and Shauna was the first to step into the water. It was cold against her skin, but she liked it. The deepest part of the creek was just enough for her to crouch and dunk her head under. She popped back up and saw Melissa lingering on the bank, staring. Maybe a different version of Shauna would have rolled her eyes or made some rude remark, but she didn’t. She was different when it was just the two of them. So, she smiled at her and waved her over.
Melissa flinched at the cold water but waded in to meet her. Perhaps a year ago Shauna would have been embarrassed to bathe naked like this, but intimacy had changed for her. She didn’t acknowledge that she could see everything, and she didn’t really care anyway. What mattered to her was the feeling of the water rushing over her skin, the sound of birds chirping overhead, the privacy they shared away from the others.
“Come here,” She almost whispered, reaching out to pull Melissa in closer. She spun her around so that she could lower her head into the water and gently scrub some of the dirt from her scalp. She knew that without any real soap it wouldn’t do much, but that wasn’t the point. Melissa relaxed into her and closed her eyes. She stared down at her and got lost examining her face. She studied each pore, each mark on her skin. Before she could think to stop herself, she leaned down and kissed her.
It was by no means the first kiss they shared, but it felt different. Shauna had been kissed by Melissa plenty of times, but she was rarely the one to initiate. Melissa seemed slightly startled, her eyes fluttering open to look up at Shauna as she pulled away. Shauna didn’t know what to do or how to feel. Guilt weighed on her shoulders. She shouldn’t be happy out here, not with her, not with anybody. She didn’t deserve this, not after everything she had done.
Melissa stood up in the slow moving water and pulled Shauna into a hug. Shauna felt her throat close up for a second and she thought she might cry. She stood completely still as Melissa held her. Neither of them said a word for several minutes. When Melissa finally spoke, it was like she could read Shauna’s mind.
“It’s okay to want things. I know you don’t think so, you’re always so focused on the next step to even consider doing something just because you want to, but it’s okay. The world isn’t going anywhere.”
Shauna felt tears welling in her eyes and tried desperately to blink them away.
“Can we just be here?” Melissa asked, her voice quieter than before. She sounded almost scared.
“Yeah,” Shauna’s voice almost cracked and she swallowed hard, “That sounds… nice.”
Melissa finally broke the hug and smiled at her again. Shauna let herself smile nervously. And for a moment, they were just teenage girls again. Shauna blushed, for the first time in a long time, suddenly aware of how exposed she was. Melissa’s face was a similar shade of pink, and they both giggled. Shauna felt ridiculous, but it felt so right. She rolled her eyes when Melissa shot her a pointed look.
In response, Melissa splashed her. Shauna gasped, genuinely surprised. She laughed and splashed her back. They both lost themselves in the water, laughing and playing as the world began to feel safe again. Shauna didn’t know how long it went on, and she didn’t care. She found herself wrapped in Melissa’s arms at some point, and it felt almost like home.
Eventually, they waded back up to the sandy bank of the creek and dressed themselves. The moment was over, and the world was real again. Shauna felt the weight of it all crash onto her at once, but it was slightly lighter. Melissa took her hand and they started walking back to camp. It wasn’t ever going to be perfect, Shauna knew, but it was better.