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At first it was easy. Jungkook was so happy that he got into the agency that had his idol, he didn’t even bother to care if the company had seen his ID.
He was shy, after all he was just 13 living with much older teenagers so he was thankful that they didn’t pressure him when they realised he preferred to change his clothes away from the others and shower on his own.
He was so grateful that his parents managed to contact a gynecologist in Seoul that keeped administering his HRT. Thankfully no one questioned those weekly visits to the doctor either.
He still isn’t sure how he managed to get HRT so young, but he doesn’t question it. He would rather just be happy that he got lucky.
His voice was adapting well and he was at the right age to go through voice change so once again. It all looked too perfect to be true.
That was until he got his period. He had hoped for it to never come considering he was on testosterone, but apparently his doses were too low to prevent it.
The moment he looked at his underwear and noticed the bloody red patch he wanted to scream. Why? Why would the universe do this to him? Why couldn’t he just be a normal teenage boy and worry about normal teenage boy things instead of bleeding once a week?
Without much hope, he opened the cabinet of their bathroom, hoping to at least find some toilet paper to contain the blood until he found a way to buy pads.
To his surprise, he found a bag of pads in the cabinet. Both day and night pads. He wondered why the hell a dorm full of boys had pads there. Maybe one of them had a girlfriend. But why the hell would they buy night pads too? Well, that wasn’t Jungkook’s business to ask, especially when he desperately needed them himself. He just thanked whatever deity was responsible for making his roommates keep pads there, took one and put it in his underwear.
Cleaning his bloody underwear could’ve been a much bigger issue than it ended up being. Thankfully no one commented on why he washed his boxers in the shower.
Trainee life wasn’t easy, but he gave it his all. He danced his hardest even through the cramps and he sang like his life was on the line even through voice breaks. His forever idol Namjoon hyung praised him through his struggles and honestly that was all that he really needed to know it was worth it. With his crush’s approval he was sure he was on the right path.
Yoongi hyung might’ve come up as cold as first, but Jungkook quickly learned he was just introverted and preferred to be alone. Jungkook could definitely understand that. Still, Yoongi always made sure to look after him in one way or another. Checking in on him and praising him when he felt Jungkook needed that reassurance.
Hoseok hyung was undoubtedly the best dancer they had. Jungkook admired him so much because of that. He trained his hardest under the guise of his dancing hyung that while being strict, always praised him when he got it right.
Seokjin hyung was the first vocalist before Jungkook, and the oldest at their dorm. He tried his hardest to look after the members and make sure they were okay. He even invited Jungkook to his family home and Jungkook couldn’t be more grateful for his support. Even though he couldn’t share all his struggles with him and his family.
Taehyung hyung joined a few months after him. He was the one responsible for getting Jungkook closer to the other trainees. He always made sure to check on Jungkook and ask for his opinions on discussions. He still respected Jungkook's wishes for more privacy compared to everyone else.
Jimin’s arrival to their dorm was also a happy addition as far as Jungkook was concerned. He was just 2 years older and he was from Busan. They had every reason to bond.
As time went on and Jungkook got closer to all of the trainees, the debut date got closer and closer.
Soon enough, only 7 people were left and Jungkook was among them. His main positions being maknae and main vocalist. He was going to be the main vocalist of his group. He couldn’t believe it. His biggest dream was coming true and he had the most amazing members by his side. Part of him was on cloud nine.
The other part of him was terrified. Terrified that someone from the company would find out his secret. Scared that his members would hate him when they learned the truth. Scared the media would find out and it would be the end of his career that was just starting.
The incident happened just two months before their official debut. His goodman doctor refused to give him a higher dose of t, so he was still getting freaking periods every month.
His periods were somewhat regular now, but every so often stress got the better of him and they would get delayed for a couple weeks.
It was the very last week of the month, most of their stocks were ending. And there the blood was. In his thankfully black underwear, just to annoy him and remind him that he was different.
He opened the cabinet where the pads were kept and the realisation of what he was seeing made his heart drop. Empty. Completely empty. Not even an old package.
He tried checking other cabinets but none of them had what he wanted. What he desperately needed. There was no way this was actually happening.
He stays in the toilet, unaware of what he’s going to do. They are supposed to be training, he just wanted to quickly use the bathroom and leave as quickly as possible. But he can’t go back to practicing without a pad. And he can’t ask for money for pads without having to explain why he needs them. He has no clue on how he's gonna get out of this situation. So he chooses to just disassociate and hope that this is all a dream and that he’s actually on his bed without his damn period.
- Jungkook? Are you there? - a voice breaks his trance eventually. He knows this voice. It’s the voice of their leader. His crush Namjoon. He’s the one that has come to check in on him. He would be blushing right now if he wasn’t desperate.
- Yes! I’m here! - he answers.
- Oh, okay? Are you okay? We noticed you were taking a bit too long. Are you constipated? - Namjoon asked.
- Ah, no, no. I’m not constipated. I just… I’m okay. - he doesn’t tell Namjoon anything else. He has no clue on what to say. He doesn’t know what to say, he just denied his best excuse and he can’t tell the truth.
- I don’t believe that, Jungkook. If you need anything you can tell me. I’m your leader. It's my job. - Namjoon tells him, but it does very little to actually calm down Jungkook.
- I'll get out in a moment, I promise! - Jungkook answers. - Go back to practice, I’ll be there in no time! - his voice comes out as quite desperate, but he doesn’t care.
- Okay, fine. I’ll be waiting for you there, then. - Namjoon gives up.
Back at practice, Namjoon explains to the members that Jungkook just didn’t realise how much time he would need in the bathroom and he’s coming back in no time.
They resume practice with just 6 members to the best of their abilities. But Jungkook is still nowhere to be found. Hours go by and nothing. Practice day ends and still, no Jungkook. Everyone is now seriously worried for Jungkook. Where the hell is their youngest member?
Namjoon runs to the bathroom door as soon as they arrive at the dorm.
- Jungkook, are you there? - he yells with a mix of preoccupation and anger.
- Y-yes? - his voice denounces that he was mostly asleep until Namjoon screamed. The realisation makes Namjoon even angrier.
- You fell asleep on the toilet instead of joining us for practice? Everyone was worried about you and you were asleep? Are we a joke to you? - he knows he’s probably being a bit harsh, but he genuinely has no clue on why Jungkook would do such a thing. He had always worked hard like the rest of them, what the hell happened today?
- I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep! - Jungkook replies, his mind still half-asleep but scared nonetheless. - I…
- Jungkook, I don’t know what the hell happened to you today, but you need to leave this goddamn bathroom and you should probably apologise to the members. We were seriously worried for you! - Namjoon interrupts Jungkook, his mind too tired to argue with what he now can only see as a lazy younger boy.
- I… I can’t leave. - Jungkook responds. - I can’t leave this bathroom.
- What? Are you fucking kidding me, Jungkook? Is this funny to you? Do you think this is a big joke? People need to use the bathroom Jungkook!
- No, no. I really can’t….
- Jungkook, if you won’t leave, I’m gonna enter and get you out myself! - Namjoon warns.
Jungkook feels like the world just stops. His leader is upset, his members are probably furious at him and this is how they’re gonna find out he is a trans boy.
Namjoon opens the door to find a Jungkook extremely scared. He immediately feels remorseful for yelling when he notices the boy is almost in tears.
- Why the hell did you lock yourself here Jungkook? What happened? - Namjoon kneeled next to Jungkook, his anger completely gone when face to face with his youngest member. Jungkook doesn’t answer, just sniffs, shaking in fear and clenching onto his pants. That’s when Namjoon notices it. - Is that blood? Jungkook, are you bleeding?
Now he is seriously worried for Jungkook. He’s bleeding from his lower body and he didn’t tell anyone? Why? They should take him to the hospital! Unless…
- I’m sorry. - Jungkook says through his tears. - I didn’t want this to happen. I can go if that’s what you guys want. I understand if you don’t want me to be in the group. I never meant for this to happen!
- Jungkook… Are you on your period? - Namjoon asked.
- Yes. - Jungkook admitted, feeling his dreams slipping away as he finally told his leader what was going on.
- There's no pads left, right? I’m sorry, we should have assumed you would’ve needed them eventually. I guess it’s our fault then. Don’t cry, please. - Namjoon said. He had noticed that a third person was using the pads, but he never bothered to ask who or what their cycle looked like. They just bought more pads and didn’t ask questions. Turns out it was none other than their youngest member.
- Are you… are you not upset at me? - Jungkook asked.
- Why would I?
- Because I’m trans?!
- Oh! Right! I forgot about that. I’m sorry, as the leader it is my responsibility to take care of this type of thing, I guess I just never imagined that someone else would join like us so I didn’t see the point in talking about it? I should've known better though.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I’m a trans guy too, Jungkook. I’m sorry you felt like you were alone in here. I don't know if you ever wondered why we keep pads in that cabinet. Most of the members just don't open it. But the pads are there for me and someone else. After you came in we noticed that pads were going faster. But instead of investigating we just bought more and never gave it a second thought. We forgot that this month we bought less and since it was the last week of the month we figured we wouldn't need more, we forgot about you. I'm sorry.
- You… You're trans too? - he must have heard that wrong, right? There's no way his idol shares such a particular experience with him. - Are you making fun of me?
- No, I’m not making fun of you, baby. I should’ve bought this up with everyone sooner. I’m a trans guy. I told the company that before they even signed me and they’ve always respected that. I haven’t told the members, because… honestly I didn’t see the need to. Some trainees left after they found out, but thankfully they signed NDAs so they can’t tell anyone. Another member heard rumours about me once and asked me about it. I told the truth and he said he was trans too.
- What? - There were two other trans guys living in the dorm and Jungkook just didn’t notice? This must be a dream. - Another member is also trans?
- Yes. I’m not going to out him to you, but you have nothing to fear. You are in a safe space, Jungkook.
- This is a dream isn’t it? I’m dreaming, aren’t I? - Jungkook felt like crying again. This was all too good to be true. - This isn’t happening. It’s just my imagination creating the best possible scenario isn’t it?
- No dear. It’s reality. It’s true. You are in a safe space. Believe it or not, the company even helped me with this. - Namjoon lifted his shirt, revealing his chest with two surgery scars, exposing his double mastectomy. Jungkook's eyes shined with a mix of excitement and jealousy. He wants to have top surgery so bad. But most doctors think he is way too young for that. - You want to get it done too, don’t you? - Jungkook nodded. - Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to get you there. I’m gonna go outside and get you those pads, okay? I’ll be right back. Don’t worry, you’re okay.
Namjoon left the bathroom and went to talk to the other members.
- Don’t worry, he’s okay. He just needs me to get him a thing and he’ll get out of the bathroom. - he assured them, most members just breathed a sigh of relief and went on to prepare what they could do before they had access to the bathroom. - Yoongi hyung, can I talk with you? - Yoongi stopped on his tracks and the two boys sat side by side to talk privately.
- You wanted to talk to me? Is this about Jungkook? - Yoongi asked.
- Yes, actually. - Namjoon whispered. - We forgot about him.
- What?
- We forgot about his pads. We bought less this month and forgot there was a third person using them. He’s stuck in the bathroom because he just got his period and he has no pads.
- Oh! Right, we didn’t even think about that. What did you tell him?
- I told him the truth. I told him I was trans and that we had another trans member, but I didn’t tell him who it was. I wouldn’t out you like that, hyung. I still have some money left, I’m going to go and buy him those pads. I won’t be gone for long. - with that Namjoon got ready and left for the nearest convenience store.
- Jungkook? - Yoongi knocked on the bathroom door. - Can I come in?
- Um… Yes. - Jungkook said, slightly confused on why Yoongi wanted to come in with him still there.
- I wanted to check on you. Namjoon told me what happened. I also wanted to apologise. We forgot about your pads this month. I’m the other trans guy in the group, by the way. - Yoongi laughed at the surprised face Jungkook made. - Do I pass that well? I’ll take your surprise as a compliment in that regard.
- I… I still can’t believe this is real. - Jungkook confessed.
- I get what you mean. You don’t need to process everything at once if you don’t want to. We will respect your time. To be honest, sometimes even I can’t believe this is all true. Namjoon was brave in telling the company about his transition before they even signed him. I first met him through the underground rap scene before we worked together here. There were some rumours about his identity at the time. But most people at the time just brushed it off as lies. His voice and his heigh make it easier for him to pass. I was the only one to ask him personally about it. It felt too good to be true to have another trans guy so close and successful in the same area, but he told me the truth. Yes, he was a trans guy and he wasn’t afraid of it. We bonded a lot because of that. The company didn’t care about our identities. They told us we were too good to go to waste just because we aren’t cis. Not necessarily the best words, but it was so much better than a no. Some other guys didn’t share the same views though. Before you and even Jin hyung came into the picture, we had some fights between other rappers. The company, by some miracle, stayed on our side. The transphobic dudes got kicked out and we remained. Only Hobi and a couple other ones that you did meet, didn’t consider us weird. When they started looking for vocalists, they included questions about the guys' opinions on gender identity. You didn’t get those questions because your audition process was different, but made sure to create a safe space for us. We’re safe here.
- Really?
- Yes. We never really talked about it. I don’t know if Jimin, Taehyung or Jin hyung know the reason for those reasons, but I can tell you that they are safe people. The only time it was really brought up you were having a private vocal lesson I believe. The big conclusion was that all 6 of us agreed that it was stupid to discriminate against people over something like a person’s sexuality or gender identity.
- Did you guys ever want to tell them?
- Tell the other members about our transitions? Not really, I think. It’s something so personal. But looking at it now, maybe we wouldn’t be sitting here if we had talked about it. I’m sorry, Jungkook. The moment we found out that someone was using our pads we should’ve talked to you guys about this. Hobi is the only other member that knows. If you need time, we fully understand that. We will wait for your time before we tell the others, okay?
Not long after, Namjoon arrived with pads. Jungkook thanked both of his hyungs for the reassurance and finally left the goddamn toilet.
Around the time of their first comeback, the members got together and Jungkook, Namjoon and Yoongi came out to Jimin, Hoseok, Taehyung and Jin. Just like promised, all of them were supportive.
That night, before Jungkook fell asleep, he smiled, knowing he was in the right place and that he could count on the people around him for everything.