Work Text:
-☘︎-
Minori has been pacing around the green room for the better half of thirty minutes.
She’s not normally this anxious before a big performance, but for most of her big performances, she has other people performing with her.
This time, she’s slated to do a solo show. Something she would have only dreamed of when she was little, always just barely out of her reach. With that level of anxiety spurring her onwards, she continues to pace around.
She’s worked hard to get to this point. She should reasonably be incredibly proud of herself, but all she can think of is the very thing that’s been pressuring her mind since the very first day she decided to become an idol.
Minori Hanasato does not feel good enough to stand on stage.
She’d never admit it to the rest of More More Jump.
She’d never even admit it to her parents.
She can barely even admit it to herself.
It sits heavy in her chest, nearly taking a physical form- a little version of herself, perched on her shoulder.
“Do you really deserve to be out there? I don’t know…”
Minori pinches the bridge of her nose, finally sinking to the floor against the wall. Her legs are shaking more than she can handle it, her chest feeling tight.
Really, she doesn’t feel like she’s okay. She can’t cancel now, though.
One of the stage managers knocks on the door, and comes in a moment later. “Hanasato? You’re on in fifteen, okay? Do you need anything?”
“N-No!” She flinches at how quickly she responds, waving her hands in front of her face. Taking a deep breath, she starts again. “I-I mean… no thank you! I’m fine!”
The manager, seemingly either oblivious to her panic or choosing to ignore it, gives her a curt nod and turns to leave.
Minori hasn’t felt this terrified in years. She’s supposed to be a professional, a perfect idol, but her imperfections shine through the second that she loses her nerve like this.
She tucks her head between her knees, her hands laced together behind her neck. It’s like the room is spinning around her. She’s sure this must be some sort of panic attack with how hard her heart is racing.
The small version of herself on her shoulder kicks her feet, continuing to talk.
“Maybe you should just cancel this whole show. But wait, the people who are here to see you would be sooo disappointed! But they’re gonna be disappointed anyways when you get out there…”
Minori can feel herself trembling.
She should be used to this. She should be, really, she’s been scared like this before, but-
“Minori!”
The door slams open. Minori all but screams, jumping practically a foot off the ground at the noise.
She looks up.
Tsukasa stands in the doorway, his chest heaving.
“I came to say good luck on your performance! My beautiful, amazing girlfriend is going to steal! The! Stage! I’m gonna be right there in the audience, and- woah, hey, why are you on the floor!?”
Minori makes a little sad noise in the back of her throat, and she cowers in on herself when Tsukasa comes to kneel in front of her. His hands are warm when they come to rest on her face.
“What’s going on, clover? Are you okay?”
She looks up at him, before pressing forward and crumpling into his arms. Having him against her is certainly helping, but it isn’t enough to completely quell the anxiety in her chest. “I can’t do this, Tsukasa!”
For once, he stays quiet, maneuvering her to curl against his chest as he sits back against the wall. His hand runs through her hair, just as it has a thousand times before. Minori knows she’s rambling, but she can’t stop the words.
“I’ve never even done a solo show before! I’m going to get out there, and they’re all going to look at me, and it’s so silly because really, I’ve done performances bigger than this before, but never alone!”
“Minori.”
“And they might not even like my performance, and they’re gonna boo me off the stage! And if they do that, then it’ll ruin the reputation of More More Jump, all because I couldn’t-”
Tsukasa takes her face into his hands, squishing her cheeks together. “Minori!”
She’s pulled from her catastrophic spiralling by his voice, and she realizes that at some point, she started crying. Tsukasa swipes away the tears on her cheeks with his thumbs.
At least it got her to stop talking. Tsukasa presses a kiss right between her eyebrows. “It’s going to be fine. You’re just making it worse for yourself!”
Minori just stares at him, flabbergasted. He leans their foreheads together.
“Tell me, Minori. Why specifically are you so scared of failing?”
She waves her hands around, feeling how the air flows through her stretched-out fingertips. In a way, it grounds her. Tsukasa gives her the space to move however she needs to, keeping his arms slung around her shoulders after pulling her into his lap.
“I’d be letting down a lot of people.” She mumbles, still moving her hands. “They’d all be really sad.”
Tsukasa nods. He doesn’t make any effort to correct or refute what she’s said, nor does he try to stop her from thinking the way she is. He just runs a hand through her hair again, fixing any stray tangles his deft hands find.
“And how long is your performance?”
“U-Uhm, an hour? Why?”
“Then none of this is going to matter in an hour! Hah hah!” He grins up at her, his eyes sparkling.
Minori just stares at him. Her tears haven’t stopped, but she hardly even notices them now. The small version of her on her shoulder has stopped her incessant yammering.
Tsukasa kisses the corner of her mouth. He smells warm, like apple spice, and Minori wants to curl into him and never leave again. Before she can try, he continues his soft words, whispering them to her like a secret meant only for her ears.
“The worst part about performing is right before you’re about to get on stage, right?”
He waits for Minori to tentatively nod before he continues. He’s always been one to work at her pace when she gets overwhelmed.
Her hands stop moving, and come to clutch at the front of his shirt. She needs to hold on to something so she stops feeling like she’s about to float away.
“When you’re actually on stage, none of your worries matter anymore! So, it won’t even matter in an hour!”
Weakly, Minori laughs. Her eyes are still red-rimmed with tears, but she feels a little more put together. “You’re so silly.”
“What I am is right !”
“Whatever you say, Tsukasa.” She leans down to rest her forehead on his shoulder. His hands find her back, and he rubs small circles along her spine.
The voice in her head is silent when they find comfort in each other like this. He rocks her back and forth, and she sighs into his shirt, loosening her tight grip on the garment ever so slightly.
“… I love you. Thank you.”
“I love you too, clover.”
He hauls her up from the ground, and this time, her legs don’t give out from underneath her.
“Now you have a show to do, and I’m not about to stand by and let you miss this opportunity!”
She’s still terrified, but with Tsukasa there, anything feels possible.
“Hanasato?” The voice of the stage manager again. He doesn’t comment on the blonde that she’s gripping onto like a koala. “It’s time.”
Tsukasa rubs her on the back, right between her shoulder blades, before bumping heads with her.
Bouncing on the balls of her feet, she tries desperately to channel her anxiety into excitement.
“Okay, I’m off!”
-☘︎-
The performance, as anticipated, goes off without a hitch. Minori almost can’t believe it when the crowd breaks out into cheers at the very end.
She stands proud in the centre of the stage, watching as the lights shining in front of her glimmer all shades of orange.
They’re here for her. They’re here for her .
What was once out of her reach is now firmly within her grasp, and it feels like a tangible weight in her hand. She holds onto it like her life depends on it as she jumps to the front of the stage, raising her arms high in the air to wave to the crowd.
The fan meet afterwards is a blur. She receives several gifts, several letters, and even has a brief chat with a teary-eyed Mizuki (who’s her number one fan, and wouldn’t miss this for the world).
She still doesn’t believe that any of it happened until she returns to her apartment by Tsukasa’s side, gifts bundled in their arms. Once everything is set down, she crumples to the couch, finding she’s started trembling all over again for very different reasons.
Tsukasa comes to sit beside her, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
She can’t even find the words to say, a breathless laugh pulling itself from her chest as she leans into his grasp. He pulls her so that she’s laying on top of him, and presses kisses on her face anywhere he can reach.
“You did great. Really, truly, and honestly, you were perfect up there! Befitting a star like you!”
Tsukasa laughs loudly, jostling where Minori is already starting to doze off on his chest. She gives him a watery smile, and he kisses away her tears, finding only tears of joy on her face.
She will wake up tomorrow and have to face new challenges. The nature of her work is never knowing what the day will bring.
If she can, she wants to bring hope to as many people as possible.
Seeing the grin on her boyfriend’s face is enough for her to know that she’s always been enough, even on the days she can’t feel it.
-☘︎-