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Everything had changed. She had known it would change. After everything they'd lost, how couldn't it? Still it crushed her to watch as Obi-Wan seemed to grow further and further away from the man who had saved her when they had first met.
She did her best to ignore it — their past that is. She couldn't ignore the change. She had to play her part in it or both of them would get caught. Grim would get up in the mornings, meditate as the suns began to rise, prepare breakfast for her and Ben, and then shift to become Rue as she prepared for work.
It had become routine. Although she was always Grim in the mornings and evenings. She hated lying more than she had to. With Obi-Wan she could be herself. He was the one person she had left since Order 66. However he was never Obi-Wan anymore. He was always Ben. Even when they were alone he was Ben.
They had been hiding for over a year now. The routine hadn't changed; only their jobs had. Or at least Ben's. While Rue wasn't entirely happy at work it was easy to blend in and she had set up a rhythm that let her forget about the past. (Taking a few drinks from behind the counter helped too.)
At the end of their work day Rue and Ben would always meet up where they had left their eopies and ride back home together. They would hardly talk during these trips. Conversations were usually reserved for when they were at their cave and could be sure they were alone. It was safer that way. Even if it was rare that they spoke about anything that could expose their past lives.
Rue and Ben dismounted their eopies as usual. Once her feet touched the ground, Rue removed her mask, letting it hang around her neck. She took in the fresh air. The two of them went inside, where they removed their bags. Rue also removed her poncho and hung it up with them.
"Can you start dinner, dad?" Rue asked him. "I need to change out of all of this," she added, gesturing to all the layers of her outfit.
"Very well," Ben replied.
"Thank you."
Their cave was too small to have much privacy. At least from each other. It was far enough away to be hidden from anybody that wasn't looking. They only had the necessities as it was. Rue went to their "bedroom" where she stripped down to her basic sleeveless tunic and pants. She also carefully removed her prosthetic arm before wrapping it in her cloak and placing it on a natural shelf.
She relaxed once her prosthetic was put away. She hated wearing it when it wasn't necessary. She only wore it when she was in public so there were less defining characteristics about her. She even wore gloves to hide that there was a prosthetic in the first place.
Once she was settled in as Grim she returned to the main area where Ben was fixing their meal. "How was your day?" She asked him, attempting to make some small talk. She missed the days where they could talk for hours at a time.
"It was fine," he replied.
She sighed. She could tell he still wasn't ready. Not that she would know what she would say if he asked her the same. Knowing that she wouldn't get further in this conversation she decided to leave him be and meditate.
There was an open area that overlooked the desert from a cliff. This was where she liked to meditate most often. Sometimes she would even talk with Qui-Gon, not that Ben was aware of that fact. He had shut himself away so completely he could not connect with his old Master. That was part of why he had begun to train Grim instead.
The first time he had spoken to her she had been taken entirely off guard. She had never known that he had been watching over her this entire time. Even though they had never met when he was alive. He had been long dead by the time Grim had even appeared in the Star Wars universe.
She closed her eyes and sunk into the Force as she sat on the ledge. Her connection to it had been weakened ever since Order 66. It often felt empty when she reached out. Even being near Ben did not help. Among the many changes for the two once-Jedi were how they were in the Force. Not only could he not connect with his old Master, Grim could not as easily feel him. Not that his presence was gone entirely, but it was dull. Nearly an ache.
The ache joined her. Not a word was shared between the two of them for a long time.
"Did you even care?" Grim asked. The words slipped out without thought.
He didn't have to ask what she meant. "Of course I did, Rue."
"But you buried our lightsabers."
"You know why. It was for our safety. We can't be Jedi anymore."
"I know," she said. "But can we at least be Grim and Obi-Wan while were alone? You won't even say my name."
"Rue…"
"It's Grim," she told him. "I'm Rue when we're out in public. When I have to hide my scars and my arm. But here I can freely be me. Yet you won't say my name," she opened her eyes and looked at him.
He met her gaze. "I'm sorry, but even that's dangerous."
"If it's dangerous then should I just hide everything all of the time?" She scoffed. "We live in a cave in the middle of nowhere. I just don't want to be Rue when I don't have to. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of secrets."
"There's too much of a risk, Rue. If you didn't want to keep lying, then perhaps you shouldn't have come with me to Tatooine. You didn't have to. You could have gone anywhere in the galaxy."
"I'd still have to hide, wouldn't I? It was too dangerous for us to join the fight after everything."
"There is no fight. We lost." He stood up and walked back inside the cave.
The words cut though her. She had been so willing to admit defeat before the Purge had even occurred. Afterwards, all she's wanted was to fight. Obi-Wan had been the one to keep her going. Now he told her it was over. Her vision blurred and she wasn't even aware when she began to cry.
In the war he had been a beacon of light. He had been her hope when she had none. He didn't know it, but if it weren't for him she would have died on Utapau. She would've let herself drown. Now she wondered if that was better. Grim died on Mustafar anyway. She died with Anakin. She died with Obi-Wan. Their graves all remained on Tatooine.
Just as she was thinking about this Ben sat down next to her again and handed her a bowl of stew. They ate in silence.
As Rue finished her bowl she stared at it for a long time. "I didn't fall off that cliff."
"What?" Ben asked.
"On Utapau, during Order 66. I didn't fall off that cliff. I walked off it." She didn't look away from the bowl. She couldn't meet his eyes.
"…Are you saying….?"
"I tried to kill myself," she confessed. "I wanted to die." She looked back up at him. "Do you know why I didn't drown?"
He frowned. "Why?"
"You. The thought of you. You were my hope. I had lost mine. But I thought about you, and that gave me hope. Before we went on that mission I was trying to find a reason to go on, and it was you. You're why I'm alive. I would have killed myself if it weren't for you."
"I had no idea…."
"It's been killing me, to see how much you've gone. I can hardly feel you anymore. I've been watching you turn into the same person I was the day the Jedi were killed. Even before then. And I know I haven't been much better. We were never going to be the same after that, and I knew it. That's why I went with you, I didn't want you to be alone. And I didn't want to be alone either."
He squeezed her hand. "I'm glad you stayed, Grim. I never told you, but I'm happy you've been here with me."
She smiled at him. He smiled back.