Archive of Our Own

Hanbin loved night drives. There was something about the silence, the dark surroundings, the empty roads and yellow lights that spoke to him even long before he actually got his driving license. Sometimes, he even borrowed the family car in the evening for a modest joyride so he could come home relaxed and in high spirits. 

Tonight was not one of those rides. 

Hanbin glanced at the passenger’s seat, where Hao was poorly seated, hood up and looking out the window. He hadn’t said a word since Hanbin had come to pick him up at the park near his home, face covered in tears and jaw set. Only the occasional sniffle betrayed his current emotional state. All Hanbin had to go off of was a single text begging him to come with his car and drive them far away, which he obeyed immediately. Even if it hadn’t sounded so dire, Hao never outright asked for anything, and Hanbin was happy to provide. 

Of course, even without a clear explanation, Hanbin had ideas. Theories. Few things could go so badly in Hao’s life that he needed someone to escape the city with, and they’d talked about it sometimes, half-confessions dropped between two conversations as if they didn’t matter. Hanbin was good at it—making people comfortable enough to open up, soothing their fear of vulnerability so they wouldn’t take their words back right away. 

Only Hao had managed to keep his walls up. It hadn’t seemed like it, at first; despite being a year older and very popular, Hao always seemed surprisingly earnest and genuine, wearing his heart on his sleeve in a bold, shameless way Hanbin admired. But then they ended up in the same friend group, and he realized he knew nothing about Zhang Hao. The vulnerability was measured, the references to his life outside of school vague and fragmented, the brazen confidence overplayed. 

It had been a kind of obsession for Hanbin, the first few months after they met. Getting to know Hao. The actual person, beyond the facade he offered everyone. Now that they were closer, the obsession was still here, only a different shade. Maybe Hanbin would always want to know more about Hao, to discover new walls just for the rush of being the one allowed to skip past them. 

Hanbin took a curve, softening his voice until it sounded soothing. 

“Is your father back in town?”

Hao shuffled against the window, but didn’t turn. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Hanbin easily said. “I was asking because it’s getting late, and we’re very far already. If you want to be home before two in the morning, we should turn back now. But if he’s here, you can come to my place instead. I’ll sleep on the couch. My parents won’t mind.”

This time, Hao actually looked his way. Hanbin didn’t hold his gaze, busy monitoring the dark road ahead, but he could feel the side of his face burning. It often happened when Hao looked at him. 

“Don’t be dumb. If I’m the one invited then I should take the couch.”

“Your back has been killing you all week,” Hanbin bluntly rejected. “I’ll be fine. You should get the mattress, hyung. I wouldn’t forgive myself if you felt sore in the morning.”

Hao didn’t answer, but Hanbin knew better than to take it for a tacit agreement. And indeed, after a long stretch of silence, Hao spoke again. 

“I don’t want to sleep at your place.”

“Are you going home then?”

“No.”

Hanbin didn’t mind that Hao was being difficult, but he did mind that they were in the middle of a deserted highway with no bed in sight for the future. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, going over their options. 

“Okay. Then we should find a hotel for the night.”

“I don’t have my wallet on me…” Hao muttered. 

“It’s fine. I’ll pay for you.”

“No, it’s too expensive.”

“It doesn’t have to be. We can find something cheap, something that pays by the hour even. Like, maybe a love hotel, if you’re fine with that?”

Hanbin’s voice kind of broke at the end of that sentence. He truly intended it to be an innocent solution to their predicament, but Hanbin’s colossal, overwhelming crush on his upperclassman did make the words love hotel sound funny in his mouth. Now wasn’t the time or place to think about those feelings, not when Hao needed him for emotional support. 

“You’re the one that doesn’t sound fine,” Hao chuckled, and the sound of it was enough to make Hanbin’s lips curl up in a relieved smile. 

“I really am! It’s just, I’ve never been. Even just going up to the counter is a bit nerve wracking, you know?”

“Aren’t you scared?”

There were a lot of reasons to be scared left unsaid, but glaringly obvious. Scared of what the clerk would say to them both being boys. Scared of someone recognizing them. Scared of someone taking a picture of them walking in. It didn’t take much to ruin one’s reputation, and going to a love hotel with another man was more than enough in Korea. 

“I don’t care if it’s what you need, hyung. Do you want us to go?”

A few seconds passed before Hao pulled out his phone, a sudden white light illuminating his face. Hanbin glanced at him, just for a second. The tears on his cheeks were still fresh, glistening lines curving gently down to his reddened lips. 

“I’ll find one.”

Hanbin’s hands tightened around the wheel, mirroring the painful squeezing of his heart. Despite how freely Hao let himself emote around others, he rarely ever cried. Hanbin had only seen it once before, on a dark spring morning as they crossed paths in a hallway going to their respective classes. It would have been easy to miss, with only Hao’s red ears and his unusually low chin even visible at that distance. But Hanbin was always looking at him with more attention than anyone, and so he’d slowed down, carefully grabbing Hao’s arm. 

“Hyung,” he’d asked. “Are you okay?” Hao had looked up, and only then did the light catch on the bottom of his eyes, drowned in unshed tears. After a bit, Hao had murmured “I’m fine, my dad just visited,” and he’d walked away, leaving Hanbin with the memory of his broken voice. 

He didn’t have the details, and he didn’t need them. The puzzle pieces would fall together by themselves eventually. The picture was already clear enough to know how to handle the situation. Hao shouldn’t cry like this, and Hanbin would do anything to help. 

Hao put his phone on the little claw beside the wheel, displaying the road of the hotel he picked for Hanbin to see. It wasn’t that far, considering the road they’d already driven. The sound of the turn signal clicking for a few seconds as Hanbin took the exit was the only noise accompanying them for the next twenty minutes, crossing the sleeping city. He parked the car in the parking lot next to the ugly cement building, turned off the ignition, and then silence filled up the last of the space between them. 

The love hotel looked shady. If it hadn’t been for the sign next to the main door displaying prices, Hanbin wouldn’t even be sure it was the correct place. Some people were lurking around the parked cars, too, dressed strangely considering the weather. He didn’t really feel safe, but Hao must have picked this particular one for a reason, and Hanbin trusted him. 

Still, it wouldn’t hurt to check in with his mother before going in. Hanbin pulled out his phone. 

“I’m going to call my mom to tell her I won’t be coming back, she’s worried. Is that okay?”

“Obviously,” Hao nodded. “I don’t want her to feel bad.”

Hanbin started scrolling through his contacts, but Hao’s hand softly covered the screen. His fingers were cold, soft skin touching Hanbin’s. He felt extremely normal about it. 

“Wait… Could you tell your mom to call mine and say I’m with you? I don’t want her to be worried, either. Knowing I’m not alone outside will probably make her feel better.”

“Of course, hyung. Our mothers are friends anyway, right? Yours probably called already to know if you were with us.”

“I just want to be sure. When I left… I said things. It’s better if she doesn’t think about it too much.”

Hanbin had already been worried for his friend, but those words made the ball of anxiety in his chest swell even bigger. Just how bad had it been? What had been the thoughts going through Hao’s head as he left, what had he said that could be so alarming?

“Alright. I’ll tell her.”

“Thank you,” Hao said quietly, settling back. 

There was only one thing left to do. Even though he was scared and uncertain, Hanbin couldn’t let himself sound anxious to his mother. He had to sound in control, for her and for Hao. Offer them reassurance when no one else could. 

Hanbin had barely started the call when she picked up. 

“Hi, mom?”

The panicked voice on the other side of the phone was shrill against his ear, making him wince in pain. 

“Hanbin-ah! Is everything okay? Do you need me to come and get you? Where are you right now?”

“No, we’re okay! We’re okay. I was just calling to let you know that we’ll be spending the night at a hotel together and that I’ll come back in the morning. You can tell Hao’s mom that everything is fine.”

“That’s a relief… I’m happy that you two are safe and sound. Can you send me your location so I know where you are in case something happens?”

Was Hanbin’s mother about to see they were going to a love hotel? It would be mortifying, especially since she knew on some level how infatuated her son was with Hao. But it would be only a small misunderstanding to clear up, and the embarrassment would be worth it to reassure his mom. 

“Sure, I—”

Hao violently shook his head as he tugged on Hanbin’s shirt, panic in his eyes. Confused, Hanbin frowned, leaning towards him to whisper. 

“Why not?”

“I don’t want them to find me,” Hao hissed urgently. 

Hanbin straightened back up, concern only deepened. He had so many questions, but it was neither the time nor the place, and he needed to stand by Hao’s needs.

“… I’m sorry, I can’t do that. But if I worry about anything, I’ll call you, and I will always pick up if you call me. Is that okay?”

“You promise me you won’t do anything dumb?” She said, resigned. 

“Of course, mom! You taught me better than that. We’ll just rest here for a while and come back in the morning.”

“Alright… I love you, be careful out there. And tell Hao to stay safe, too, okay?”

“I will! Goodnight, mom. I love you too.”

“Goodnight my Binini!”

Hanbin pocketed his phone with pink cheeks, trying to ignore his friend’s smirk. 

“Binini?” Hao snickered. 

“Please don’t make things worse, hyung.”

The walk to the entrance was bad, but not nearly as bad as walking to the counter. Hanbin asked for a room for them, because he couldn’t possibly let Hao shoulder this task. Nervously, he waited for the lady behind the blinds on the other side of the plexiglass to ask for their ID. Hao did say he didn’t have his wallet on him, and even though he was an adult, they might want to check it. What would happen if they couldn’t provide any? Would they get turned down? Call the police?

But the lady only mentioned the base price tag plus the extra hour price, and after Hanbin paid for the cheapest option, a key was in his hands. She’d never even looked at their faces. Maybe that was why Hao had picked this place, Hanbin thought as they walked down the long hallway to stop at their door. It had to be known as a place with lax standards. 

The room was small, unassuming. This wasn’t the kind of hotel whose decoration was to be enjoyed. They didn’t turn on the light as they stepped in, in part because the street lamp outside already made things visible somewhat, in part because they didn’t want to have to face any suspicious stains. Hanbin watched in the darkness as his friend passed him by, socks quiet on the laminated floor. 

Hao had always been tall, but he looked so small, sitting on the bed with the weight of the world on his shoulders. The dirty yellow light bleeding in from outside the window was dulled by the light curtains, but with each passing second the scene grew clearer. 

Hanbin took the time to observe his friend, hunched over as if the bed could swallow him. He had looked sad and angry up to that point, but the Hao facing him had nothing but bitter exhaustion on his face. It was probably the shadows exacerbating those traits, but dark pockets dug under his eyes, made the bulge at the corner of his lips sharper. Hanbin still found him beautiful, and a twisted part of him enjoyed being privy to this display of misery; witnessing a vulnerability others didn’t even know existed. 

Despite it all, Hanbin hated seeing him like this. 

“Hyung…”

Hao looked up at him with his big round eyes, and something caught in Hanbin’s throat. His hair had gotten too long lately, and Hao had complained a couple of times about the way it fell in his eyes, like right now. Hanbin liked it, but then again, he liked everything about Hao.

What could he even say? Hanbin was good at working through his friend’s troubles, but Hao had said he didn’t want to talk about it. It was a boundary he needed to respect, no matter how strong Hanbin’s instinct to dig for information was. But he couldn’t simply let Hao collapse on his own, either. 

Hanbin could’ve gone for a hug, and he did hug his friends a lot, just like Hao did. And yet, for some reason, the two of them never really got there with each other. The thought of having Hao in his arms felt like a perpetual itch he couldn’t satisfy, a compulsion that sometimes flared up so badly he could feel the ghost of the boy’s body against his empty arms. Yes, Hanbin wanted to hug Hao desperately, and he knew that now wouldn’t be the right time to do so, a step in the wrong direction in this delicate dance. 

It should be easier than this. Hao was easy to please, after all. He loved praise, he loved gifts, he loved attention, he loved care. Well, he loved Hanbin’s caring acts, anyway. For other people, Hao was more the type to take care of them, a reliable older friend always ready to help. 

Except it didn’t feel right to Hanbin. It completely baffled him how everybody wasn’t tripping over themselves to shower Hao in acts of service. If it was up to him, Hao would never need to lift a finger for the rest of his life. And maybe Hanbin wasn’t the person that could be by Hao’s side to make sure of it every day, but just for tonight, he could at least do something. 

Was there anything that Hao could be helped with, right now?

“I can cut your hair,” Hanbin suddenly said.

Hao frowned in mild confusion, as if he’d maybe misheard the words. 

“You can… what?”

“Cut your hair. I have a pair of scissors in my bag– I used to do it for our elderly neighbors for a charity program. I can do it.”

After a second of disbelief, Hao shook his head with a chuckle. This was as much a signal of willingness as any other, so Hanbin went to the small bathroom to his left, accompanied by Hao’s mocking voice. 

“You want me to look like an old grandpa, Hanbin?”

“Just come in!”

Hanbin turned on the bathroom’s light, a sharp white light slashing the room in two. Hao looked down at the white rectangle on the ground, like a red carpet inviting him in. Finally, he got up, stepping into the light to join Hanbin after he retrieved the scissors. 

There wasn’t much inside. A shower, a sink, a toilet, all of them fighting for dominance. It was so cramped that Hao only had to sit on the toilet to face the mirror over the sink, Hanbin managing to shuffle behind his back. It wasn’t comfortable, and the mood was strangely floaty, but Hanbin determinedly ran his fingers through Hao’s hair for the first time; the way he’d always wanted to. Except unlike in his fantasies, this time, he tried to keep the touch innocent. 

Hao frowned at his reflection after wrapping a towel around his shoulders, uncertain. 

“I don’t know how I feel about this…”

Hanbin gasped in mock offense, lightly hitting his shoulder. 

“Don’t you trust me, hyung?”

Hao opened his mouth to speak, but then slowly closed it, deep in thought. He was taking those words way more seriously than Hanbin ever meant them, but the weight of the conversation was suddenly stifling in the small bathroom. 

Hao closed his eyes, tilting his head forward, giving him implicitly the right to do as he pleased. 

“I trust you,” he whispered. 

The words coursed under Hanbin’s skin like electricity shocking his nerves. Hao trusted him. He called Hanbin when he needed help. He came with Hanbin to this love hotel. He talked with him, let him cut his hair. Hanbin had worked so hard to get there, and finally, his efforts were bearing fruits in the form of Hao getting pliant under his fingers. 

Hanbin discreetly scooted to the side so his crotch could be hidden behind Hao, no mirror to betray him. He’d been mortified enough tonight. Cautiously, Hanbin combed his fingers through Hao’s thick hair, admiring the way its reflection shined like a wave as the strands were pushed away. Soft, silky. Hao always took care of himself, and that made this haircut even more important. 

“How long do you want it?”

“It’s hard to say. Just, shorter.”

Hanbin hummed, pinching his friend’s fringe right above the brow. 

“Like this?”

Hao stared at the hair strand in the mirror intensely, picturing what it would look like if the whole haircut matched. 

“Shorter. Like when we met, if you remember.”

“Of course I remember,” Hanbin immediately said. 

“I don’t like when it’s longer like this. It makes me look too soft.”

“But you’re a very soft-hearted person, hyung.”

They made eye contact in the mirror. Hao’s eyes were suddenly intense, scrutinizing Hanbin’s face. It made it hard to breathe, to think. 

“Am I?” Hao asked. 

“Of course you are. You always care so deeply about everything and everyone. Just having you around makes us feel safer. Our friend group, I mean.”

“Is that what being soft is? I think you feel safe because I’m not scared to protect you when you need it. It’s not softness, it’s determination.”

“Hyung, do you remember when my mom fell ill?”

Hao frowned in confusion, clearly struggling to recall the event. It wasn’t surprising that it wasn’t at the forefront of Hao’s mind the way it was in Hanbin’s. After all, Hao had just been kind, as he always was. 

“My mother had just been rushed to the hospital and I’d locked myself in a bathroom stall at school to cry,” Hanbin clarified. “You’d heard about it and came to comfort me.”

“Aah!” Hao exclaimed with a gasp, a light shining in his eyes. “I remember, I remember! You looked so cute crying!”

Hanbin burst into laughter, keeping his eyes closed with his smile so he wouldn’t see the burn on his cheeks translate to a blush in the mirror. 

“That’s what you said at the time too!”

“Because you were!”

Hao needed to stop saying that, and fast. Hanbin was getting sweaty from the heat it lit up in his chest. 

“Anyway, having you with me back then really helped,” he powered through, staring at the back of Hao’s skull. “You stayed with me even when the next class period started, and you made me feel like I wasn’t alone when I really needed someone by my side. In a way, it made me believe that even if something really bad happened, you would be here to catch me. It’s this softness that I… That I was talking about.”

He’d almost slipped up, almost said a word he couldn’t use yet. The bathroom became silent again, and Hanbin wondered if this story sounded relevant only as a coincidence. Or if, when Hao was feeling alone and scared just like him back then, he’d seeked Hanbin’s company to not be alone. To catch him.

Because Hao trusted him, just like Hanbin trusted Hao.

“Maybe softer is fine, then.”

And if his heart was beating louder with Hao’s words, maybe it was fine, too. 

The scissors closed under Hanbin’s fingers, a crisp noise marking the decision as the cut tips fell down. Hao closed his eyes to protect himself from it, and Hanbin stared instead. He was the one deciding on what Hao looked like, altering his appearance for everyone to see. It meant nothing. It would haunt Hanbin every time they’d see each other again, until Hao would decide to go to a hairdresser. 

Hanbin hoped he’d ask him to cut his hair again instead. 

He moved to the back of Hao’s head, allowing him to blink his eyes open again. Working on Hao’s hair helped Hanbin to regulate himself. He fell into a rhythm, sliding his fingers between his locks, snipping the damaged tips, watching them fall onto Hao’s covered shoulders. The bathroom was so silent that Hanbin could hear every single hair getting cut through the scissors. He was very careful, sculpting Hao’s hair with the utmost care. 

“Do you want to eat after this, Hao hyung? Should I see if there’s a fast food restaurant around that still allows takeout?”

“I should stop letting you spoil me like that,” Hao said quietly after a short silence. “I’m older than you. I should be the one doting on you.”

“But I like doing it. If it’s comfortable for me, isn’t it okay? Unless it really annoys you…”

“It doesn’t. I…”

Hao closed his eyes with a slight frown, as if he was in pain, so Hanbin stopped his work. Somehow, this moment felt important. After a few seconds, Hao opened his eyes again, but instead of looking at Hanbin in the mirror, he tilted his head back, the top of Hao’s skull hitting Hanbin’s chest. Hao looked up at him, soft, open, with so much affection it made Hanbin nauseous. 

“With you, I feel like it’s fine if I let go sometimes.”

Hanbin’s guts were nothing but a pile of knots, twisting and burning from where Hao was touching him. He wanted to physically grab those words, devour them, make them a part of his identity. Hao was beautiful, and oh so gentle, and Hanbin made him feel safe. 

“Of course it’s fine, hyung. I just want you to be happy.”

Hao smiled, and then lowered his head again, showing mercy to Hanbin. 

The haircut was going along nicely. Cut after cut, Hao’s old face was coming back, the one Hanbin was most familiar with. Of course he remembered Hao’s short hair the first time he saw him, spiky and energetic, but it wasn’t the version of him Hanbin had fallen in love with. Or maybe it was, and the immediate attraction gnawing at him had been the same love waiting to bloom all along. 

Hanbin was done with the back when Hao spoke again. 

“Is it okay if I talk about it?”

“You shouldn’t even have to ask. I’m a very good listener, you know?”

“I know.” Hao’s smile was small. “You have a great reputation as a therapist.”

“See? The doors are wide open! Go ahead!” Hanbin chuckled. 

Hao tried to meet his gaze in the mirror, but he looked away quickly. Wanting to respect his unease, Hanbin focused on his hair, doing the details now that most of the volume was on Hao’s shoulders. 

“My parents aren’t divorced, for money reasons. But they’re separated. My father doesn’t live with us.”

Hanbin let out a light hum, encouraging him to keep going with a light rub at the back of his head. 

“He has anger issues. It doesn’t usually matter, since he’s never home, but recently he heard things about me that he didn’t like and… decided to teach me a lesson.”

The words sank down in Hanbin’s stomach like lead. It wasn’t hard to guess which bits of information could’ve reached his father’s ears. Because yes, Hao was perfect in every way; he was the top student in school, part of the swimming team, respectful to teachers, kind to students, beautiful, funny, ambitious. But Hao also loved to wear makeup, and dance to girl group songs, and wear pretty clothes, and had friends that didn’t even bother closing the closet’s door; and no matter how many fangirls took secret pictures of him on the way to class, some things were too obvious to ignore. 

The reason didn’t matter. The thing that mattered was what exactly this man considered to be a teaching moment, and how violent it had been to leave Hao in that state. 

“Hyung… he didn’t hit you, right? Or your mother?”

“No, but he… He…”

Hanbin forgot about the hair for a moment and looked in the mirror. Hao’s eyes were closed in a painful wince. 

“He broke my violin.”

Hao’s violin? The one he’d been so proud to purchase earlier this year, after a lifetime budgeting for it? The one he was working odd jobs with to gain that money back? The one that he used to train for his exam so he could get transferred into his dream university, instead of staying stuck in a major he didn’t like?

This violin?

Broken?

“No,” Hanbin breathed out in horror. “He— He’ll pay it back, right? That’s illegal! You could report it to the police to make him pay if he doesn’t! Did you have insurance, or—”

“I don’t want to think about that right now.”

Hanbin’s mouth snapped shut, and he lowered his head to work on the hair again. Hao’s voice had been soft, but the very notion that he’d said something that could upset his friend even further was sobering. 

“Sorry. It’s just so— I understand why you were so upset. It’s horrible.”

“I got so mad,” Hao sighed. “We screamed at each other for an hour maybe. Mom was just crying in a corner the whole time. He yelled at her, too. It was awful.”

Hanbin gave a non-judgmental hum, trying to control his emotions himself. 

“In the end I left the house. I said— Don’t take it seriously, I was just really heated. I said I might as well… disappear, if I was such an inconvenience. He just said to do it in a way that wouldn’t embarrass him further.”

This was way too heavy to keep a poker face. Hanbin snapped. 

“I won’t rest until this fucking bastard rots in the ground,” he hissed, aggressively snipping more hair. 

Unexpectedly, Hao laughed at his anger. 

“Hanbinie, hearing you talk about someone like that feels like I just fell into another dimension. Usually, you’d say something like, I don’t know… he must’ve had a difficult life to act like this, even though what he did isn’t okay…”

“Fuck his life!” Hanbin scoffed. “Maybe if he wasn’t such an asshole, life would be easier for everybody!”

It was a bit uncomfortable to swear at Hao’s father, but seeing his relieved smile spurred Hanbin on. 

“Right?” Hao said. 

“Yeah! How dare he talk to you like this and break your possessions?”

“Since he’s my father—”

“My father would sooner break his own legs than break my stuff! You know why, because he’s a respectable human being that cares about his son!” Hanbin paused, taking a breath. “You know what I think?”

“What?”

“He’s the one that should disappear in a way that doesn’t embarrass you. Have him fuck off to Germany or something and die of a local illness. Let himself choke to death on a pretzel!”

It wasn’t very inspired, but Hao chuckled at the image, and Hanbin could only hope his clumsy attempt at support was coming through. 

“Thanks, Hanbin-ah,” Hao sighed, pressing the back of his head against his stomach again. “I feel a bit better now.”

Maybe it was the compounded emotions rushing through him, but Hanbin wanted to cry. 

“I’m glad you do. You can come to me anytime, hyung. I’ll always listen. You know that, right?”

“I do.”

“And I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but I’ll help you deal with the violin stuff, too. It’s going to be okay, one way or another. We can figure it out together.”

Hao closed his eyes again, bobbing his head forward and effectively ending the conversation. Hanbin knew it was a touchy subject, but he had to risk it to let Hao know he wasn’t alone in this. Even if scary things waited in the future, Hanbin would make sure it never reached this level of violence again. 

When Hao talked again, it was very casual, closing the conversation for good. 

“You talked about food earlier. Are you hungry? Because I don’t really want to eat right now.”

“No, not really… I was mostly asking for you. When I feel sad, usually I want some good food to feel better, so I guess I assumed it would be the same for you. Let’s not order takeout, then.”

“Mmh. Since it’s so late… Are we going to bed?”

Hanbin froze, the simple words causing him indescribable psychological damage. Are we going to bed? The love hotel bed? The one they were sharing? Together?

“I guess so,” Hanbin heard himself say, tone weirdly muted. 

Hao searched for Hanbin’s eyes in the mirror. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“No, no, it’s fine. Sorry, I just— The situation kind of hit me again, you know? With the love hotel and all. It’s not awkward, it was just funny thinking about it,” he explained, resuming his work. 

Hanbin couldn’t exactly admit that his hormones were putting his brain through a grinder at the mere concept of Hao and sexuality being linked in any way. Thankfully, he didn’t push it, and soon Hanbin was finishing up the haircut. 

“I think we’re done. What do you think?”

Hao turned his head around to admire his reflection, a slight smile on the lips. 

“I like it. You’re really good, Hanbin-ah. I bet all the elders felt twenty years younger.”

“They’re still young in their hearts to begin with, hyung!”

Hao snorted, getting up and inadvertently plastering himself against Hanbin who prayed his boner wasn’t as obvious as he felt it was. 

“Let’s go to bed now. I’m exhausted.”

“Yes,” Hanbin agreed, shuffling outside to put some extra space between their faces. “Let me just find a broom so I can clean up the hair.”

“That’s the cleaning staff’s job.”

“I don’t want to give them extra work to do, though…”

Hao looked ready to argue, but he simply shook his head with a smile. Was it fondness on his lips? It was hard to tell, since Hao suddenly removed his hoodie to shake all the stray hairs out. 

There was no broom to be found, of course, and Hanbin really didn’t want to go back to the desk. So their day ended like this, timidly removing a couple of clothes before sliding under the sheets. Hao removed his jeans but kept his hoodie, Hanbin kept his sweatpants but removed his top. The room was largely warm enough, since its inhabitants would probably be naked most of the time. Hanbin grabbed his phone one last time, wincing at the bright screen in the darkness. 

“Do I set an alarm?”

“Let’s leave at seven,” Hao decided. “We need to be back for classes at nine.”

“That’s a good idea, it keeps the price cheap too. Tomorrow won’t be fun… ah, the sleep deprivation…”

“I’ve seen you online way too late for you to pretend you’re not used to it,” he smiled weakly. 

Hanbin put his phone back on the clothes pile with a playful sigh, amused. 

“I’m just a really hard working student, hyung!”

“Are you? Then why does Taerae say you’re playing games with him?”

“Because I’m also a really hard working friend.”

Hao chuckled, the sheets rustling next to Hanbin. 

“You really are. Good night, Hanbin-ah.”

“Goodnight.”

Then silence fell on the dark room, leaving Hanbin alone with his thoughts again. He’d done it. He’d been here for Hao when he needed it, distracted him, listened to his struggles, cheered him up. Everything in Hanbin’s power as a friend had been delivered. 

But it didn’t feel like enough. How terrible was it, that Hao needed love, and that Hanbin had so much love to give, but it wasn’t really the right kind of love at the right time? How could he ask Hao for a hug under the covers for warmth and comfort without it being obvious that he wanted so much more? When he had thoughts that would debase the whole gesture? 

“Hey. Hanbin…”

“Hmm?”

Hao shuffled next to him, the golden outline of the sheets rising and falling as he scooted closer. 

“I’m cold.”

Suddenly, all of Hanbin’s worries flew out the window. 

“Oh, you can warm yourself on me if you need to. Like, your feet or your hands? Those are the coldest right?”

“Won’t you hate it?”

“Don’t underestimate me.”

Hanbin was ready for the ice burn that would happen with Hao putting his extremities on Hanbin’s skin. After all, he was used to Hao pressing his fingers into his neck in winter. But as a pair of feet snuck around his ankles and hands settled against his chest, Hanbin only found them mildly cool. 

Maybe it was because Hanbin’s body burned hotter than a thousand suns as the boy he loved snuggled up against him to sleep. 

“I’m sorry,” Hao whispered after a moment. 

“Sorry? Why?” He frowned, confused. 

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”

As Hanbin waited patiently for him to continue, Hao shuffled even closer, nestling his head against Hanbin’s erratic pulse. 

“Really… I just wanted you to hold me for a moment.”

Hanbin’s lungs stopped working. He carefully hugged his friend with shaky hands, losing what was left of his sanity. Pressing Hao’s body against his finally broke Hanbin in a way that couldn’t be undone. It wasn’t the right time, but really it was, and Hanbin’s feelings spilled out of his mouth, hot and desperate. 

“Hyung… I’ll always hold you. If you let me, I will forev—”

“OH YES DADDY, AAWN~! YOUR DICK IS SO BIG!”

The two of them froze, wide-eyed as the shrill voice of the woman behind the wall raised another octave. 

“PUT IT IN! I WANT YOU TO FILL ME UP WITH YOUR CUM!”

Hanbin was half mortified, half devastated. Not only had his confession been ruined, the obscene moan that followed really put into perspective the place they were in. This was a place for physical intimacy, not emotional intimacy. Suddenly, the same awkwardness that had been dispelled was back in full force, creeping under Hanbin’s skin. 

But Hao burst out laughing, a loud, full laughter that made him curl up until he rested his head over Hanbin’s chest. The kind of laughter Hanbin could’ve only dreamed of after the dreadful events of the day. The kind that made a smile bloom on his own face, too. 

“What the fuck?” Hanbin giggled. 

“OH, YES! FUCK ME!”

Hao laughed even harder, slapping Hanbin with a limp wrist. This noise didn’t seem to deter their new neighbors, who merrily went along, the girl’s screams sometimes joined by a grunt.

They started acting out mockingly what could be the face of those beyond the thin wall behind their heads, exaggerated grimaces making them dissolve in laughter before attempting another liberal interpretation. 

It was a lot of fun for the first ten minutes. The following hour, not so much. 

“I want to kill them,” Hao groaned under the pillow he was pressing over his head. “They’re making me heterophobic.”

Hanbin didn’t answer, staring at the ceiling with eyelids so heavy they felt like stone. He wasn’t clear on how the guy could keep going like that. Maybe if the dialogue was hentai-worthy, that guy’s stamina was as well. 

Thankfully, after what felt like an eternity, a last wail faded into silence. They waited for things to pick back up again, like the last two times, but they really seemed to be done for good. 

“Finally,” Hanbin sighed. 

Hao threw his pillow away, and firmly settled himself against Hanbin. Whatever moment they’d had before, it was long gone. 

“G’night,” Hao muttered. 

“Night, see you tomo… in a couple of hours.”

Hanbin finally closed his eyes, clumsily throwing an arm around Hao. Sleep immediately overtook his tired brain, passing out peacefully into a well needed rest. 

The fire alarm slammed his head with a metal chair before Hao’s scream of terror directly in his ear effectively exploded his eardrum. 

Was Hanbin having a heart attack? Was he dying? Clutching his chest, he fumbled upright, looking around the room. From the ear that survived Hao’s attack, Hanbin could hear someone knocking on doors vehemently. 

“Everyone out! There’s a fire!” Screamed a woman’s voice over the deafening alarms. 

Baffled, they both got out of bed, blearily putting on the discarded clothes before opening the door. Other couples were running down the hallway, hiding their faces, while a lady was still knocking on doors. The two of them were hesitant until they noticed the thin layer of smoke near the light fixtures above their head. After which, they quickly scampered off. 

In the lobby, a manager hurriedly promised the rooms to be reimbursed in exchange for a signed waiver not to sue. They did not linger long enough for him to finish his speech. 

Back in the car, they watched as black smoke came out of a window near their room, just as  firefighters pulled up in the alleyway. Hanbin felt like a ghost haunting the shell of his own body. 

“This is why I’m never smoking,” he gritted out. 

“Fucking dumbass using his bed as an ashtray. How do you even survive that long?” Hao spat, real hatred in this voice. 

Hanbin sighed, resting his forehead on the wheel and rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted, and yet needed to think of a plan. They could just sleep in the car here, but spending the night in a love hotel’s parking lot was even worse than stepping inside it. Hanbin was too tired to drive back home, and he doubted Hao was down for it, either. What other option did they have? No hotel would open their doors this late, except the really shady ones, and they were done with those. 

“The beach isn’t that far,” Hanbin finally said. “We could go park there and sleep in the car.”

Hao stewed on the idea for a moment. 

“Would you be okay driving, though? You’re so tired.”

“I can do it if you pick the right playlist. You think we should?”

Hao didn’t take long to think. 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Wait a second.”

It’s only thanks to the power of 3rd gen kpop blasted at deafening levels that Hanbin managed to reach the beach without nodding off. The terrible mood had slowly been replaced by singing and, in Hao’s case, tiny dance moves. Hanbin loved the uplifting energy and seeing Hao taking his mind off of things, but he still felt relieved when they stopped in the deserted parking area meant for tourists and turned off the music. 

The silence buzzed in Hanbin’s ears, and the clouds made the sky as dark as the sea. It might have been a romantic spot any other day. But the moon wasn’t out, and they were tired, and romance had no place here in the family car. 

Seats reclined, in the dark, they settled as well as they could. It was uncomfortable in more ways than one. They were still fully clothed, it was a bit chilly, and they could hear cars passing by sometimes with flashes of yellow light illuminating the side of the car. They were about to spend a dreadful couple of hours before getting up to leave in the morning. 

Hanbin could try to make things a little bit better for his mind, if not for his body. Maybe it wasn’t time for romance, but it was time for comfort, wasn’t it?

“Do you still want that hug?”

It took a few seconds, but Hao managed to maneuver himself over Hanbin, crushing him and tangling their limbs together on the too small reclined seat. 

They drifted off together, too exhausted for anything else. 

Waking up didn’t make Hanbin feel very refreshed. It had felt like a long blink, at best. He wouldn’t even know he’d slept at all if not for the soft light of dawn now filling up the car. Hao was still on top of him, in exactly the same position. Notably, he wasn’t snoring at all. 

Hanbin closed his eyes, taking it all in. Hao’s weight, warmth, the prickle of his freshly cut hair against Hanbin’s cheek. If Hao was pretending to sleep, then so could Hanbin for a little while. Drown in a pleasant half-dream where all of this happened more often. 

They would be in a bed in Hanbin’s bedroom, not a trashy love hotel with rough sheets or a cramped car seat. Hao’s mother would be in the living room talking with his mom, and the quiet chatter would reach them from behind the closed door. The summer breeze would come in from the open windows, caressing them as they rested together for a moment. 

A perfect day. Maybe then, Hanbin could confess his feelings. He’d have all his words planned, there would be no doubt left that Hao felt the same, they’d tell their families and everything would go well. They’d kiss and talk about everything they wanted to do. Sometimes, they’d go on night car rides like this one, and—

“Are you awake?”

Hanbin opened his eyes to Hao’s deep, grumbly voice. He was still in the car. 

“Yeah,” he breathed out, voice husky. 

Hao sighed. There was warm air around Hanbin’s neck now. 

“It’s almost seven. We might as well get up before the alarm.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

The hair against Hanbin’s cheek rustled. 

“I don’t think so. Maybe I kind of passed out at some point. It’s hard to tell. My back hurts too much.”

“Your back? Are you okay?”

Suddenly worried, Hanbin raised his arm to caress Hao’s waist— that is to say, to check the curvature of his back. He thought he’d left his arm around Hao’s middle before sleeping, but there was only Hao’s hand in the way. Wait, no, his arms were both up against Hanbin’s chest… So whose hand was Hanbin touching on Hao’s waist?

A spark finally connected Hanbin’s tired neurons. He sighed, devastated to know he was about to end this moment. 

“I’m sorry, can you get up? I think my arm died.”

Hao scrambled up with some difficulty, Hanbin’s cold arm flopping to the side, unfeeling. He used his functional hand to grip his limp wrist and bring back the bloodless limb to his body. Hao, now sitting on him, opened the car’s door and stumbled outside. It was over. Maybe Hanbin could remember it later to summon a fantasy again, but it wouldn’t be the same. 

By the time Hanbin joined him outside with an arm now trying to compensate for being numb by feeling all of the sensations at once, Hao was checking his bed hair in the side view mirror. 

“You can’t blame me if your hair looks weird now.”

Hao scowled at him, uselessly flattening the side of his head. His pout was adorable, so Hanbin didn’t really feel chastised. 

A flash of light made him look up. The sun just breached the ocean, the endless water and clear skies now struck with a dash of orange. Soft pink and baby blue hues merged at the horizon. 

Sunrise was beautiful, Hanbin thought. But it was nothing compared to the breathtaking beauty of Hao looking at it, golden rays shimmering in his hair, turning his irises to a warm chocolate, making his skin glow and soften. Hanbin felt his entire body itch. 

“Hao. You…”

His friend looked up at him with a hum, curious. Hanbin’s throat was burning. Just like his cheeks. 

“You just look so good. The lighting. It makes you so pretty.”

Hao laughed, throwing his head back. 

“Are you implying I’m not usually pretty?”

Hanbin crossed his arms with a huff, matching his energy. 

“No, what I’m saying is, the dawn is so pretty that it manages to match with you.”

Hao grinned, satisfied, and settled next to him against the car, close enough that their shoulders overlapped. Hanbin awkwardly moved his hand away before it was trapped under Hao’s ass, resting on his waist instead. 

“Hanbin. How do you feel about skipping classes today?”

“Mmh… I think my mom would be very worried,” Hanbin frowned. 

“Even if you called her?”

Hanbin looked at Hao’s soft eyes, his hair ruffled by the sea breeze. So close to his dream it felt like one. His heart squeezed painfully. 

“Maybe if it’s just the morning it’d be fine,” Hanbin reasoned. 

“We could stay here for a moment. Grab breakfast, and then take a nap on the beach. It would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

Hanbin looked back at the stores lining the shore line. A good portion of them sold food, some even already opened. It felt like a vacation, somehow. 

“Yeah, good idea. I’ll call my mom.”

“It’s funny how we ended here,” Hao noted. “This whole trip is just us switching gears every couple of hours.”

“I’m sorry last night was so complicated.”

“It’s alright. I was with you, so even when things went wrong, it was fun. I feel better now.”

He’d said it already in the small bathroom, but this time, his voice sounded much lighter. Hanbin’s chest felt so warm. Despite everything, Hao was happy. 

“I’m glad that I could help you even a little bit, since I was only here to help you get away.”

Hao frowned slightly in confusion, a cute pout creating a shadow under his lips. 

“What? Why do you think I called you?”

“Because you needed someone with a car.”

Hao looked at him in the same way he looked at their friend Gyuvin when he failed to solve a basic chemistry problem. Like Hanbin was deeply stupid, but with so much affection. 

“No. Because I needed you .”

Everything but Hao’s face suddenly drowned in white noise. 

“ Me ?”

Hao smiled, soft in a way Hanbin had never seen before, in a way that felt only reserved for him to witness. 

“It’s okay if you’re a bit slow. I’ll wait for you.”

Like a knot untying, everything unraveled in Hanbin’s heart. Suddenly, it all was so painfully obvious, the way Hao had been waiting with his arms open all along. Hanbin had been waiting for the right moment, and it still wasn’t it. They were sleep deprived, and Hao was emotionally fragile, with wild hair and a hoodie too light for the morning chill. He was uncomfortable, exhausted. No, it wasn’t the right moment. 

It was the perfect moment. 

It had always been the perfect moment. 

Hanbin had no plan. Maybe he was reading the signals wrong somehow, leading to what would surely be the worst moment in his life. But he knew Hao so well, and felt in his soul that everything was safe, that they now both understood what was going on. 

Maybe the perfect confession couldn’t happen because there was nothing to confess in the first place. How can you share a secret if everyone involved already knows about it?

“I know you’ll wait for me,” Hanbin grinned. 

“And I know I won’t have to wait long,” Hao bit back. 

“Ah, was I really that obvious?”

“Painfully so. I’m being very patient, you know?” He pouted. 

“Then I’m sure you can wait a little longer,” Hanbin nodded teasingly. 

Hao gaped, looking scandalized but with so much amusement in his eyes. 

“Are you denying me your confession?”

“Well, if you already know I like you, I won’t say it,” Hanbin cutely said, crossing his arms. 

“You brat.”

“You like it.”

“Maybe I do,” Hao huffed, crossing his arms as well. “Maybe I don’t. You won’t know unless you ask to date me.”

Boldly, Hanbin swung an arm around Hao’s shoulders. Hao nestled against him with an exaggerated, annoyed sigh. Fireworks went off in Hanbin’s chest, warm and bright like Hao’s eyes. Were they boyfriends now? Maybe they didn’t get to use the official label yet, but Hanbin was as elated as if they did the whole thing properly. 

“Should we go get something to eat now, hyung?”

“You’d better pay for my food,” Hao muttered, pressing himself against his chest.

“I don’t really have a choice, you forgot your money at home.”

“But I won’t reimburse you this time!”

“Ah, hyung… are you saying this is a date?”

“Not unless you make it one.”

“Do you go out with a lot of boys who pay for dinner? Should I be worried?”

“Shut up and get moving! I’m hungry!”

Hanbin laughed, his heart so full. He didn’t mind paying to see this Hao more often. 

They walked down the street still hanging onto each other, quickly setting for the only place selling meat skewers at such an odd hour. It was a strange choice, but their disastrous night made them more open to dinner than breakfast. 

Fully equipped with their food, they walked down to the beach, sitting on the sand glued together. Hao bit into his skewer, and made a funny face. 

“Does it taste bad?” Hanbin laughed. 

“Uh, it’s… an interesting flavor…”

“You love durian, how bad can it be?”

“Durian is good! Stop slandering it!”

Hanbin laughed even harder at Hao’s pout, letting himself fall against him. The night before had been difficult and strange, but now Hao was himself again, and they liked each other, and they had street food on the beach with a sunrise. So what if they missed a few classes? Hanbin could catch up on it. Those moments with Hao were so much more important. 

“Here, take mine instead, hyung.”

“Thank you…”

Once they were done, wooden skewers discarded to the side, Hao slightly pushed Hanbin back, making them fall on the sand. They would need to shake their clothes clean before going back in the car, Hanbin faintly noted. He didn’t care that much, though, because Hao’s head was resting on Hanbin’s arm, his soft lips so, so close. 

They didn’t look at each other, though, instead staring at the sky turning blue. Over the horizon, a golden sun was gaining height. 

“There was a music shop down the road,” Hanbin said. 

He didn’t push it any further, didn’t ask if Hao wanted to go in case he still felt sensitive. But Hao only took a second to nod, rubbing his cheek against Hanbin’s arm. 

“Yeah. There probably won’t be a good replacement, but let’s look at it later. I know it will be okay. Thank you, Hanbin-ah.”

The sweet feeling of accomplishment refreshed Hanbin’s heart. This was everything he’d wanted. Hao feeling happy, safe in his arms. Emboldened, he rolled on his side, face to face with the boy he loved. The light wasn’t as flattering anymore, and Hao was still puffy and tired, and yet he was just as beautiful. 

The frustrated pout Hao wore only made him cuter. 

“Hanbinie,” he complained. “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

“I don’t know,” Hanbin smiled in fake innocence, the needy sentence turning him to putty. “I don’t remember saying I liked you.”

“I won’t be the one to kiss you first.”

“Oh no, hyung… that sounds like we’re in a stalemate?” Hanbin gasped with a concerned frown. 

Hao sighed dramatically to signal how annoyed he was, and turned his head away. Hanbin pushed himself up on his elbow to lean over him again, giggling at the childish reaction. Even like this, Hao refused to meet his eyes, stubbornly looking away. 

“Sorry, sorry. Are you mad?” Hanbin grinned. 

“I’m about to be. I can’t believe you’re making me wait all this time when I was so nice and patient with you!”

“If you waited so long, then surely you can wait a little bit longer, right?”

Hao glared at him in a way that felt like Hanbin was starting to actually upset him. So, without taking the time to think about it, Hanbin grabbed Hao’s jaw to force him in the right position and kissed him firmly. He was surprised at first, his plump lips opening up with a sweet gasp, but quickly reciprocated. 

It ended up being a good thing that their first kiss didn’t happen in that itchy bed. Hao’s lips didn’t taste like tears, and his mind was nowhere near as fragile as the night before. Hanbin loved every version of Hao he’d ever met, but this was the one he’d always wanted to kiss. The one he fell in love with so easily. Warm, teasing, and most of all, happy. The fact that Hanbin himself had been the one to bring Hao this happiness only made his kiss sweeter. 

They separated with a small noise, heart beating so hard it made Hanbin’s breath uneven. He closed his eyes, the sound of the sea washing over his thoughts as Hao nestled against him for their third hug. This one was grounding, safe. There would be so many more to discover. Maybe there would be a point where they couldn’t be counted anymore. The idea made something light swell in Hanbin’s chest, carried by the fluttering in his stomach. 

This was the perfect moment. It always had been, it always would be. 

That day, they drifted off to sleep together on the beach, the sun chasing the shadows of the night and holding each other as if the wind could carry them away. Classes, violin, hotels and haircuts; all drifting away like the clouds over their heads. 

Alone together, dreaming of futures where they would never let go.