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It's a given fact that Lee Seolhwa and Yoo Joonghyuk look good together. Even a blind person could sense that they were made for eachother.
The male and female protagonists of a novel- the most beautiful woman with long white hair, flowing in the wind and her small pale face with the most handsome man with an ever so attractive face. Their personalities are made for eachother. She is soft and kind hearted and he is a bit rigid and caring in his own ways.
Kim Dokja knows this, he knows that this couple was even once married in the second regression and had their child.
When he was a young boy, he loved reading the interactions of this couple. He would even catch himself giggling for them at times.
So why, why does it feel weird now? Why does it hurt so much now?
The thought of Yoo Joonghyuk and Lee Seolhwa being a couple again should feel wholesome and heart filling. But why, oh why is it so bothersome?
He stopped thinking about it. It will bring him no profit to drain his thoughts into something as unusual and useless as this.
___
In the distance he could see Yoo Joonghyuk standing all alone. He had his sword in his hand, dangling by his side as he stared forward.
Kim Dokja went up to him and nudged him slightly by his shoulder.
“Why are you standing alone here? Everyone is together near the fire.”
Yoo Joonghyuk didn't give any answer for a few seconds and just glanced at him without turning his head.
Yoo Joonghyuk then sheathed his sword, “I don't want to.”
Kim Dokja was not expecting an answer, but he didn't let the surprise show on his face. “Do you have anything to do?”
“....yes.”
Before Kim Dokja could ask anything, he heard a soft voice.
“Ah, hello Dokja-ssi.”
Dokja turned back to see a beautiful woman with white lustrous hair standing beside them.
“Seolhwa-ssi? Hello to you too.” Dokja gave her a small smile in return.
Kim Dokja caught the small glance that Lee Seolhwa gave to Yoo Joonghyuk and immediately caught on. Of course Yoo Joonghyuk was waiting to talk with his lover. Even if Lee Seolhwa wasn't his lover in this regression, Yoo Joonghyuk must still have his feelings for her.
“Oh sorry, I must be interrupting. I will get going.” Kim Dokja walks as fast as he can back to the others and tries to act cool.
“What's wrong with you? You look ugly.” Han Sooyoung lightly flicked his forehead and sat next to him.
“Nothing, be quiet.” Though Han Sooyoung lightly hit him, it still hurt. Though the pain was more from his heart for some reason? Strangely, this pain has been there before she even hit him.
“You are lost in thoughts again.” Han Sooyoung wasn't going to stop talking, that was sure.
Kim Dokja sighed and replied, “Nothing. Just eat.”
“I know it's nothing. Come on.”
“I was just wondering, do you think Yoo Joonghyuk and Lee Seolhwa will end up together again?”
Han Sooyoung turned her head to look at the pair. They were talking in hushed voices and Yoo Joonghyuk was still facing straight ahead. They were standing close and Lee Seolhwa was smiling brightly.
“Why all of a sudden?”
“What?”
Han Sooyoung repeated herself, “Why are you thinking about this all of a sudden?”
Kim Dokja was quiet for a moment and exhaled before speaking. “It's not a sudden thought. I just never told anyone yet.”
Han Sooyoung nodded in her understanding and didn't speak. It was weird. She wasn't usually like this. She would either tease him or talk shit about something, but she was so silent today.
“Were you wondering the same too?” He decided to ask her.
“Yeah, for quite some time.” And that explains why she was quiet and observing too.
“Aren't they meant to be together? You know, the white and black duo. The soft and grumpy, as well as the sunshine and sunshine protector duo.”
Han Sooyoung cringed a bit at those words and smacked his head, “Don't think such weird things.”
“Ow, that was uncalled for!”
Han Sooyoung ignored him and spoke again, “But do you really think that he still loves her in this regression too? You know that people can get over someone and love others too right?”
Kim Dokja's eyes widened a bit. He never thought of that. “But, why wouldn't he? They were literally married in the second regression.”
Han Sooyoung gave him a look as if saying that all her words flew right above his head. “Tell me then, do you want them to get together?”
“What?” Kim Dokja was not expecting such a question. Of course he wanted them together. What kind of question was even that? But when we tried to voice it out loud, he found himself hesitating. There was this strange lump on his throat as he wasn't able to speak.
Han Sooyoung patted his back and walked away, “Think about it and come back to me when you are ready.”
“Think about what?”
“You know what.”
He in fact didn't know what. He doesn't understand. There's this strange wall that doesn't allow him to understand. But here he is, trying to get what it meant. What all of this meant.
He slowly raised his head to where Yoo Joonghyuk and Lee Seolhwa were standing and saw her waving and leaving Yoo Joonghyuk alone.
Kim Dokja's feet dragged him to stand beside his life and death companion again. He didn't register any other thoughts.
“Had fun?” Kim Dokja smiled at Yoo Joonghyuk.
Yoo Joonghyuk raised his eyebrows and waited for Kim Dokja to expand.
This was truly new to Dokja. Normally in the past, Yoo Joonghyuk would just scowl and ignore him. But this new character development of him is surely fascinating. Kim Dokja wonders if Yoo Joonghyuk is like this to everyone.
“You know,” Kim Dokja explained, “talking to Lee Seolhwa. When are you going to ask her out this time?”
Yoo Joonghyuk scowled. Forget everything Kim Dokja thought, there isn't much character development in this guy.
“I am not going to do that.” Yoo Joonghyuk's eyebrows pinched in annoyance.
“What? Why? Don't you love her?” Kim Dokja kept pestering him.
“That was the past.”
“But you clearly still love her.”
Yoo Joonghyuk looked more angry now. “What?”
“Yeah, it's obvious,” Kim Dokja sat down, “You talk softly to her. You don't even get angry at her much. And she looks really happy with you too.”
Yoo Joonghyuk clenches his fist and inhales before sitting down beside him, “Were you watching us now?”
Kim Dokja startles and looks down in embarrassment. He wasn't expecting Yoo Joonghyuk to catch onto that. At least Yoo Joonghyuk's anger has been suppressed for some reason.
Kim Dokja didn't answer, but his silence was enough of an answer.
“It's different this time.”
Kim Dokja was startled, “what?”
“None of us are the same this round.”
“....” Kim Dokja knew he was right. Lee Seolhwa was very different this round. She was more open to exploring things and more straightforward too. But, Yoo Joonghyuk must still be in love with her. Right?
“Do you still love her? You probably do.”
Yoo Joonghyuk looked down and slightly shaked his head.
“Yoo Joonghyuk.”
As his name was called, Yoo Joonghyuk turned to face Kim Dokja again.
Kim Dokja continued, “I am willing to uplift the dating ban for the both of you. I want you to do what makes you happy. If it's her, then do so.”
Yoo Joonghyuk's eyebrows twiched. As if he had given up, Yoo Joonghyuk sighed and looked forward again.
“I view her solely as a companion this round.”
Kim Dokja didn't have a chance to speak. He neither had any time to register. Yoo Joonghyuk got up and left him hanging.
Kim Dokja hurriedly got up and pulled at his companion’s wrist. “Wait, what do you mean?”
Yoo Joonghyuk raised his eyebrow in return.
“Didn't you have a kid in the second regression?”
“Kim Dokja.”
Kim Dokja slightly stood steadier as Yoo Joonghyuk continued, “People can get over their lovers.”
“But she was your wife and the mother of your child.” Kim Dokja didn't understand him. How, just how is he so sure if it?
“I still love her and respect her,” Kim Dokja freezes. That's what he wanted to hear, but these words make his heart sting. “But in a different way now.”
Kim Dokja slightly raised his voice, “Are you happy with that?”
“Yes.”
Kim Dokja's hand trembled slightly. He lowered his face and removed the hand from the other's wrist.
“Kim Dokja. I am allowed to love someone else too.”
This was the breaking point for Kim Dokja. Not only did Yoo Joonghyuk admit to not loving Lee Seolhwa, his true love, anymore but also admit to loving someone else.
“You….. you love another woman?”
Yoo Joonghyuk didn't say a word. Kim Dokja doesn't know how many minutes had passed by but there they were, quietly standing looking at each other.
Yoo Joonghyuk broke the silence, “Why do you care?”
“.....what?”
“Why do you care about whom I love.” Yoo Joonghyuk repeated, not as a question, but as a statement.
“Of course I care. Yoo Joonghyuk, I care. Tell me. Tell me who you love. I will make sure you are happy with her.”
“Kim Dokja, you are an idiot. A total idiot. You tell me, if you truly know everything about me and better than anyone else, who do I love?”
Kim Dokja was stunned. In all honesty, Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't speak a lot. That's a given fact. So when he does, you know it's serious.
“You should love Lee Seolhwa. Lee Seolhwa is your wife. Lee Seolhwa is your lover. Lee Seolhwa is your everything.” Kim Dokja blabbered on and on and on.
Yoo Joonghyuk broke their eye contact and looked away. A vein popped on his forehead and he clenched his wrist.
“You will never understand.” Yoo Joonghyuk stormed off and this time, Kim Dokja didn't hold onto him.
___
[S to p th in ki ng ab ou t th e pa s t]
Kim Dokja looks around him, which goes in vain. Nothing changes around him. The same subway, the same window and door placements, the same slow sound of the subway moving. Outside the subway, it's entirely black with no stars or constellations around him. He is now truly alone.
“I…. I think I know the answer to Han Sooyoung’s question now.”
[Yo u al w ay s k ne w.]
Kim Dokja laughs, but it contains no humour anymore. “Maybe, but now I finally acknowledged it. Won't you praise me for that?”
[Ki m Do kj a is a n id i ot]
“Yeah yeah, go on.”
Kim Dokja stares off outside the window for a few minutes before speaking again.
“I loved him.”
[No w ?]
“I still do. But I shouldn't. Not after I gave him that awful stigma.”
The Fourth Wall didn't reply to him. Silence filled the subway again.
“Fourth wall.”
[Y ea h?]
“Will he ever know how sorry I am and how much I have loved him? Ever since the beginning?”
Kim Dokja doesn't know what he's saying. He feels like he wants this assurance for himself, even if they are a lie.
[Ye s.]
Kim Dokja hummed and picked up his phone again. He read and reread TWSA again and again till he finally passed out from exhaustion from crying.
Some words went unsaid.
Do you think he will ever accept these childish feelings?