Work Text:
'I shouldn't have joined the agency.' Atsushi thought one night. Specifically, a night after the Vampire invasion and Kamui revelation arcs.
Sneaking out of closet, he carefully went to the bathroom without interrupting Kyouka. He had awoken from a nightmare revisiting the Vampire incident, in fact, it implies for every other arc he's been through.
Atsushi has done a lot the past year up to now. Ever since he discovered the Weretiger as himself, his mentor Dazai decided to invite him to the agency. At the entrance exam, he was reluctant to join them. saying it'd be to reckless and dangerous for him, and look where he's at.
He washed his face with soap. The co-workers he befriended are the first he found comfort in, finding out more activities and learning new things are his second best. Everything else out of that affected him mentally to physically, no matter how many times his scars have been healed. Rinsing the excess soap off, he gazes at his hands.
Can't you see what purpose he made outside the Orphanage? Atsushi wanted to escape the Headmaster, prove that he can be useful, his options then were limited. His hands were tight, closed on themselves. But what else? He never thought about detective work, especially this ARMED detective agency. Whether it was normal or gifted, it wouldn't stop him from seeing violence amongst other issues during his cases. He planned to ask for a violent-free workplace, it would've helped his PTSD all the more. He opens his hands again, one down his side and he raises the other.
Atsushi swept his hair lightly, it appears the same as last year only slightly grown. He has to admit, he.. intentionally kept this style. He chose to accept the headmaster and all the others who treated him harshly then, with his mentality uncared for, there wasn't another option up his alley. It's no longer relevant to aid his purpose, it- this means nothing.
He stepped near the door, locking it up and filled the tub with water. What can he do. Is leaving an option? Did he gain enough courage amidst the renewed pain in his detective days?
Aside from how exhausting it is to be there, he can't think of another way to leave. Atsushi's 'gift' is his worst obstacle. Maybe it served as the 'blessing and curse' phrase, but not to him. Clothes are removed onto a counter, he laid in the water, eyes closed.
Without the weretiger, his parents might've kept him, or if they didn't; the orphanage wouldn't treat him differently. Without the weretiger Dazai couldn't possibly pick him in an agency of gifted, for Shin Soukoku. And the government would never know a weretiger for them to capture. Without it the mafia arc doesn't involve him, neither does the Guild, the Decay of Angels and so forth!
But that's what he thinks, what he imagined could happen. Maybe his parents didn't care either way, maybe the headmaster would love him in some way, if Dazai saw another potential out of the tiger like Ranpo being gift-less, and so much more.
Most of himself had accepted all of his adventures, and his role he has to play. In a small part of himself, he in fact hates the whole situation. Atsushi covered his face handed. Hated the weretiger that hid its power to suffer for years, hated the agency no matter how they've accompanied him, hated the organizations who had hunted him down, hated being apart of this life in general!
Why was he gifted to begin with. Why is his so called gift connected to the Book. If he is related to that thing, why doesn't he know where it's at. Why can't he just-... The water has a weird color to it. It appeared to have red mixed in the warm blue, he clawed himself in his frustration and dropped the hands that were partially showing his weretiger features.
The blood stood unhealed, he doesn't pay attention to it. His hands are transformed unwillingly. Of course, he hadn't forgotten the Dead Apple incident.
The time he'd figured a part of himself out, and the fact that his gift turned out to be a separate entity. It's no fool to how he has been handling his insufferable life, if it didn't care, it'd let Atsushi die a long time ago. His hands dip in the water, Atsushi focused on his breathing while his vision was blurry.
The pain scarring his face don't share the feeling it should have, more so numbing. By the minute his weretiger allowed his face to repair. A shame that he can't repair his mental state. At least he can appreciate most of his physical regenerated. The water has most of its blue, apart from his blood in the mix, purple showed in between. The same water is being drained.
There's no room to cry when his life has been set, acceptance is his best solution.
Atsushi gets on his feet, no more tub thoughts. A shower is what he took after those, less than 10 minutes he exited the bathroom silently.
His sister figure Kyouka hasn't gotten up, good thing she never did. No one should know his thoughts, he'll keep all of this in the back of his mind. The only option now is to get in the closet.
In his attempt at sneaking back in, Kyouka was moving weirdly, movement he recognized for nightmares. He shut the closet door, slipping in the futon of her space to soothe her problem. She reciprocated in a hug of closure, he hushed her in a gentle tone. The nightmare worn down when her face calmed.
Atsushi calmed down with her. He knew his current predicament still meant something to others, like the Moby Dick he stopped with his friends to bringing together rival organizations against the cannibalism arc. Sure, his last purpose doesn't mean anything, but he created another to go on. He has to go on.
He planned to help others in their own lives. With his emotional knowledge, he'll spread his empathic nature. With his power and strong will, he'll fight for what he thinks is right and watch his steps from obstacles In any way he can, because he can't help himself. But apart from his issue, he finds comfort in that.
It was enough to comfort him, falling asleep beside someone he cared for. He's fine with this.
............