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Bilbo carefully peeked out from behind the rock. The odd creature was still thumping the goblin with a small rock, all while muttering and hissing curses. Bilbo wasn’t sure what the creature was saying but he definitely heard some odd phrases about ‘goblin meat’, ‘better than fish’, and ‘stupid boyfriend’. Bilbo thought he heard the last one wrong, but what did he know? He was just a small, not at all worldly hobbit after all.
Bilbo peeked again and found that the creature had gone off somewhere, maybe to enjoy his goblin meal. He stepped carefully into the clearing beside the water, not knowing that Gollum was coming up behind him. The skeletal creature whispered and hissed:
“Bless us and splash us, my precioussss! I guess it’s a choice feast; at least a tasty morsel it’d make us, gollum!”
Bilbo nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the hoarse mutterings, and stumbled back when he suddenly noticed the pale eyes sticking out at him.
“Who are you?” he said, thrusting his dagger in front of him.
“What iss he, my preciouss?” whispered Gollum, who always spoke to himself since his stupid boyfriend kicked him out of the Lonely mountain. “No no no, we didn’t get kicked out! We were on a break weren’t we, my precioussss?”
Bilbo was very confused and decided to just answer the first question,
“I’m Bilbo Baggins.”
“Bagginses? What is a Bagginses?” Gollum asked delightfully and muttered under his breath, “Definitely not dragonses, lazy dragonses never come to visssit.”
“I-i’m a hobbit.” answered Bilbo.
“Sssss,” said Gollum, becoming quite polite. “Praps we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my preciousss.”
He was anxious to appear friendly, at least for the moment, until he found out more about the hobbit – whether he was quite alone really, whether he was good to eat, and whether Gollum was really hungry.
“It would listen to our woess, wouldn’t it?” Gollum was itching to share his relationships problem with anybody since the Goblins had been very bad listeners, probably because he had killed every single one he’d come across.
“Very well, trouble shared is trouble halved.” said Bilbo, who was anxious to agree until he found out more about the creature – whether he was quite alone, whether he was fierce or hungry, and whether he was a friend of the goblins.
So Gollum hissed:
“There once was a dragon so fair
with a mound of treasure in his lair.
All day he dozed,
on gold he lazed,
and wouldn’t go to hunt hare!”
“All right…” said Bilbo carefully, he really don’t know what else to say.
But Gollum continued:
“The Wyrm may have had maginifcent wingses
and the treasure of many kingses.
but he just couldn’t bring
himself to hear a thing
we had to say about my preciousss!!”
Bilbo was taken aback for Gollum seem to suddenly be enraged.
“Gold we doesss not desire!
Jewelses we doess not require!
But when we said!
Lets talk instead!
Out he throwss uss in a ball of fire!!”
Gollum was was getting angry, and also tired of the company. It had made him very hungry indeed.
“It’s got to give uss an advice, my preciouss, yes, yess, yesss. Jusst one advice, yes, yess,” said Gollum.
But Bilbo simply could not think of any advice for that nasty wet cold thing sitting next to him, pawing and poking him.
Gollum was angry now and very hungry. He was also a miserable, wicked creature, and already had a plan. He had a ring, a golden ring, a precious ring, the only gold that the dragon hadn’t managed to get his greedy paws on.
“Quite safe, yes,” he whispered to himself. “It won’t see us, will it, my precious? No. It won’t see us, not even Smaug and his shining eyes could see us, and its nassty little sword will be useless, yes quite.”
Gollum reached for the ring, but he couldn’t find it.
“Where is it? Where iss it?” Bilbo heard him crying. “Losst it is, my precious, lost, lost! Curse us and crush us, my precious is lost! Like our poor heart lost to the mean wyrm!”
“What’s the matter?” Bilbo called. “What have you lost?”
“It mustn’t ask us,” shrieked Gollum. “Not its business, no, gollum! It’s losst, gollum, gollum, gollum.”
“What have you lost?” Bilbo persisted.
“It has got it isssssn’t it?” he heard the hiss loud behind him, Gollum leaped at him.
“What have I, I wonder?” he said to himself, as he panted and stumbled along. He put his left hand in his pocket. The ring felt very cold as it quietly slipped on to his groping forefinger.
In a moment Gollum was on him. But before Bilbo could do anything, recover his breath, pick himself up, or wave his sword, Gollum passed by, taking no notice of him, cursing and whispering as he ran.
Bilbo took the chance and stumbled away. Thankfully he found the way out and out he ran into the sun, cursing his lost brass buttons, the nasty creature, and his damned dragon boyfriend!
Meanwhile, far off in the Lonely Mountain, Smaug the terrible rolled in his doze, daydreaming about his ungrateful boyfriend, forever prattling on about that ugly little ring. Good riddance, he thought as he puffed out a cloud of smoke from his nostrils.
Fin.