Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When did things start to become boring?

When did things start to feel and look so lifeless and dull?

A heavy exhale of breath escapes out from parted lips and into the quieting space of his home as Sapnap closes the door behind him. The sound of his car keys jingled, rattling in the air while he moved his hand and reached up to place the keys on the key rack that is attached to the side of the white color walls.

The sound of sneakers squeaking against the white tile floor echoes through the home while he makes his way towards the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Sapnap just got back from the gym, spending an hour and a half inside the room that smells like iron, sweat and protein powder was starting to make him feel sick, cutting his session shorter than usual. Now feeling better within his safety net he calls home, he grabs the handle of the refrigerator door and reaches inside to grab a water bottle.

Closing the fridge door, Sapnap unscrews the cap of the bottle and takes a big gulp of water, feeling the cold sensation flow through his body making him shiver. Letting out a gasp of air, using the back of his hand to wipe the remaining drops of water that lingers on his lips, he screws the cap back onto the bottle.

Taking a few seconds to situate himself, he takes in the surrounds. The house felt eerie, strange in a way that Sapnap couldn't quite shake. It felt too quiet despite knowing that his boyfriends, George and Dream plus their 3 cats all live within this giant home of theirs; and yet he can hear nothing but then again everything at the same time.

From where he stands in the kitchen, he looks in the direction of the dark hallway that leads to his boyfriend, Dream office. Sapnap can see the faint glow of yellow light casting a shadow under the door followed by the faint sound of a pop song being played. A soft smile tugs softly on the man's lips knowing that his boyfriend is working diligently on his project right now. Part of him wants to go towards the door and make his presence known that he's back but he also didn't want to bother him so he opts out; spending a few seconds staring before he decides that's enough and walks away.

Walking in the direction of the staircase, going one foot at a time up with each step, his body screaming in agony and pure exhaustion. Today was an eventful day as much as it was exhausting for Sapnap. Starting his morning off with a meeting at 8am with the higher-ups of NRG which lasted to 12pm. After that, he had ordered himself some lunch and done a short stream of playing valorant for a few hours.

Just a short session since he had something planned afterwards and finished at 3pm. After that, he made his way downstairs to feed the kitties and then went to help Dream alongside George with some of the code, gadgets and recording videos, testing out the fusion project which lasted to a little after 6pm which he stated he needed to work out today, cutting it short. After that he changed into his workout clothes and made his exit; driving his way to the gym and now it's a little after 9pm and sleep was calling him.

Continuing to drag his feet across the white tile floor, he makes his way upstairs but pauses once he sees George's bedroom door. He can hear the faint sound of the television being played, another moment of hesitancy hits him. He thought of letting his other boyfriend know that he's back home but he was too tired to even move his hand up to the door to knock against it. Besides, they would know once they see his car parked in the garage and keys hanging up on the rack. With sleepy eyes and a clouded mind, he walks towards his bedroom door, grabbing ahold of the door handle and goes into his room.

Now inside his room, he turns the light switch on, illuminating the place with its white glow from the bulb above. Stepping out of his sneakers and placing them on the shoe rack, he ventures more inside. The water bottle from earlier still resides in his grasp as he goes to place it down onto the nightstand. Moving his hands to dig into his pants pocket to retrieve his phone and house keys, he set it down near the bottle.

Rummage through the drawer, looking for a clean pair of underwear, t-shirt and shorts, spending a few seconds finding what he needs. After gathering his items and towel, he makes his journey to the bathroom where he enjoys the hot shower, letting his body relax under the flowing water and easing the tension on his mind.

He doesn't know how long he spends in the shower but now he's out feeling ten times better than he was earlier, fully dressed and sleep calling him stronger than ever. If he had enough energy he would've warmed up the leftover chipotle bowl he stored in the fridge but he definitely is not doing that.

Standing by his bed now, he pulls back the comforter and settles himself into the sheets. Feeling the cool fabric against his warm skin, he snuggles against his pillow; beginning to drift off to sleep, ready for the next day.

☆☆☆☆

Sleeping has always been a struggle for Sapnap. It's been like that for a while, teetering between having long sleep sessions that last ten hours and feeling like he didn't get a wink of sleep or barely getting two hours of sleep. His biological clock it's definitely off its axis more than ever.

Get up. Eat. Stream. Phone calls. Answering emails. Meetings. Travel. Record videos. Gym. Sleep. Repeat.

He does the same routine for the next following months and as time goes on, days start to blur with one another. He couldn't tell what's going on around him nor within himself. It felt like he was in a never ending cycle where he does the same thing over and over again with no ounce of joy within his life; feeling the life and energy suck right out of him.

Sapnap loves his job, don't get him wrong. He gets to create new opportunities and do the things he loves, he has dozens of fans who show support and love for him but lately it's starting to feel unfilling. No joy to reach his heart. It's like reading your favorite book dozens of times to the point you can recite what happens in the next chapter because you've been through it before; and yet Sapnap can feel a mental burnout brewing.

A groan escapes within the four corner space of his bedroom while he lays in bed. The auburn just turned off the blaring alarm five minutes ago telling him that he needs to get up and start his day. Shifting to his left slightly, he looks at his window, the sun peeking from under the drawn curtains, sending a yellow ray of light to cast down onto his carpeted ground. As much as Sapnap doesn't want to get up right now, sleepiness still clinging to his body, he decides to start moving.

Sitting up now and pulling the covers off his legs, Sapnap moves to the side of the bed where his feet are touching the soft carpeted grown below. Moving his hands up to his face, he rubs harshly at his skin, fighting every emotion in his body that's screaming for him to cry or to let out a scream in frustration over having to wake up so early in the morning. He has a flight he needs to get to, heading to LA for NRG meetings and special events that need to be organized and produced for the end of the month.

With a heavy sigh, Sapnap pieces himself back together, putting on that mask he wore so much and gets up from the bed to begin his day. He swiftly moves around his room, washing himself up, then brushing his teeth, something he's been noticing that he forgets to do. Once that was done, the auburn got dressed, putting on his usual attire of a black t-shirt and shorts, then putting on black socks and slipping into his white and black nikes. Grabbing his phone off the charger and his house key and wallet from his drawer followed by his black cap that sits on the hat rack; Sapnap deems that he was good to go. Making sure to grab a hold of his suitcase he already packed the night prior, he leaves his room and tread his way down the steps.

He didn't feel like eating breakfast so he just grabbed a granola bar from the pantry closet and sat on the couch waiting for Dream to finish getting ready. He had asked his boyfriend the night prior if he could drive him to the airport, which his blond boyfriend was very happy to do.

He can hear footsteps treading down the steps and he looks up to see George carrying his luggage in his left hand and being careful going down. He didn't even ask George to join him this time to LA but knowing how much anxiety he gets when it comes to flying, George just willingly started to go with him. They share a small moment, a smile to grace Sapnap's lips waving his hand at his other boyfriend to say hello while the brunet recuperates the gesture.

The door from Dream’s bedroom opens up and his boyfriend emerges into the hallway. The look he sent his way alone was enough to settle the anxiety that was starting to brew within the auburn. Dream walks towards Sapnap, asking him if he's ready and he responds back with a nod of his head. He can see something flash across Dream’s eyes, a moment of hesitancy but he doesn't pay much attention to it while they begin to make their way towards the garage.

Now settling into the passenger seat, his boyfriend placed their luggage in the trunk and George took his seat in the back row. Everything was set, Dream in the driver's seat and now on the road, heading to the airport. Sapnap finds himself slowly drifting off to sleep hearing the soft sound of the engine roaring that settles between the three men in the car. Luckily he had his eyes closed because he would have seen the flash of concern etch across Dreams face while he looks at the rear view mirror that shows a reflection of George wearing the same expression.

☆☆☆☆

“Is everything okay?” George breathes out, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. He can see his boyfriend bend down to retrieve his water canteen that he placed on the floor. Sapnap just bench pressed one hundred and sixty pounds of weight and is now taking a short break. Both of their bodies are covered in sweat and exhaustion clings to their bones while they are currently at the gym.

Luckily it wasn't that many people around, a few settled at their designated station. The AC is on full blast sending a cool breeze to draft across the brunet wet skin and damp hair making a slight shiver run down his spine. The bright white glow from the dozen bulbs hanging high in the ceiling, keeping you awake and alert. The music playing from the scratchy speakers coming from the left corner which George doesn't pay any mind to since he has his own earbuds to listen to music. It was comforting as much as it was nerve wracking in a way that they didn't have to avoid talking to people, sometimes they get recognized at the gym but also it was almost two in the morning – judging by the digital clock that hangs high up on the gray color walls – making it a peaceful stay.

He watches as Sapnap takes a sip from his canteen and closes the top. “Yeah I'm good,” he breaths out, a small smile to form on his lips. “Why do you ask? don't tell me you're getting tired old man” he ends off with a playful tone.

George scoffs, rolling his eyes. “As if, we are just getting started.” he states, shoving Sapnap to the side so he can change the weights that's currently on the bar.

As playful as their exchange was just now, George couldn't shake that feeling that there is something that his boyfriend isn't telling him. He's been observing him, he and Dream both and they know something isn't right. That can sense a change; whether it was the heavy dark eye bags that look purple under the white glow of light that's casted down on them to grace his face. Or the way Sapnap seems to zone out way too much that it has become a concern. The amount of times they called out to him to always get the same sheepish smile and a hand to rub at the back of his head in embarrassment while he says ‘sorry’ is too many to count on his ten fingers alone.

George knows something isn't right but he doesn't know how to approach it without either making Sapnap snap at him with anger or break down in tears. It's the constant feeling of walking on eggshells which George hates so much. Sadly all he could do was watch the smile slowly fall from his boyfriend's face, a look of unrecognizable taking over his features and the sinking feeling to drop into the pit of George's stomach.

Something is definitely wrong.

☆☆☆☆

“I was thinking,” Dream trails off, cutting the silence that had settled between the three men who sat in the kitchen. “-What if we go to the pier today?” he asks, standing in front of the stove. He's making breakfast for his boyfriends. Eggs, sausages, and pancakes, something he hasn't done in a while due to being busy. The blond thought it would be a great opportunity to do something nice for the three of them and hopefully spend some quality time together.

“The pier?” George questions from his seat behind the dining table. He scratches at his stubble, the faint hair that is starting to come in that is dotting across his chin and mustache line, a new look he's trying as he thinks over a response to his boyfriend's question. “I don't mind. I don't have anything for today.”

“Okay, what about you pandas?” Dream asks, glancing behind him to look at his other boyfriend briefly before turning back to stir the eggs in the frying pan.

Sapnap remains silent, his thoughts traveling to somewhere else and not noticing that Dream is talking to him until George taps him on the shoulder, jolting him a bit.

“Huh” the auburn blinks, turning his head to look at the brunet.

“Cmon kitten, Dream, ask you a question.” George says, leaning to his left side to flick at the brim of Sapnap's black cap, causing a distress groan and a swat of his hand from the younger man.

“Uhh can you repeat? I didn't hear.” Sapnap spoke sheepishly, looking up from his seat to stare at the back of his blond boyfriend’s head.

“It's fine baby,” Dream fans away with his unoccupied hand. “I was saying we should go to the pier today, are you available?”

Sapnap sighs, placing both his arms on the table, leaning his elbow against the wooden surface below while placing his face into his palms. He rubs harshly at his skin before moving his face away.

“I don't know.” He trails off, exhaustion clouding his mind. “- I did promise a stream for the fans today and I have to send off a few emails and such.”

“Can you push it to later today or at least tomorrow.” George quizzed, staring at his boyfriend and watching the exhausted look dot across his features.

“Maybe, I'm not sure.” Sapnap shares, moving his hand up to his hat to fix the few strands of hair that started to tickle his forehead before placing the cap back on. “I'm pretty busy and there's so much that needs to be done and -”

“Okay, why don't you think it over today?” Dream states, noticing the rising panic within his boyfriend. He cuts off the stove and continues to let the eggs rest in the pan and begins to walk his way over to Sapnap.

The auburn had his gaze still casted on the wooden table below but the tap on his shoulder changes his gaze towards his boyfriend who wears a soft smile to tug on his lips.

“You've been working hard. Honestly we all have been and it's been a while since we've spent time together. But I understand that you're busy. Just think it over” the blond spoke out softly, moving his hand up to remove Sapnap's cap from his head to place a chaste kiss on his forehead and placing the hat on his head.

Right when Sapnap was about to protest to get his hat back, Dream walks away, a chuckle to escape out. He couldn't be upset that his hat got taken away. Dream always told him to not wear his hat around the dining table, so he remained in his seat, a pout etching onto his lips and George on the other end sending him a teasing look followed by a light hearted shove.

Maybe this is what he needed. A break from all the stressful activities he's been doing the past few months; and Dream has a point. It's been a while since they spent time together. What's the worst that can happen?

☆☆☆☆

A few hours have ticked on and Sapnap agrees to take a break from his exhausting schedule to spend time with his boyfriend. The enthusiastic look on their features was enough for him to not be overly upset about the amount of workload pushed back for a few hours to days.

Now outside and walking under the blazing sun that hangs high above the sky, the three men walk and enjoy the great outdoor weather. It was pleasant to walk side by side with his boyfriend on such a lovely day where other people joined in on the pleasantries. It's Thursday and a little after four pm which is a perfect time to be at the pier, the weather was slightly changing meaning it wasn't overly hot and Sapnap didn't have to worry about sweating buckets under his brown sweatshirts. Dream, each made them bring their bucket hats and put on sunscreen to not only help block on the yellow rays of light from above but also avoid sunburn.

Small conversations settle between the three while they continue to walk along the pier. They got stopped by a few fans that noticed them and said hello while taking a few pictures. Enjoying the scenery around them, Dream notices the soft jingle playing in the background and halts in his steps.

“You guys want some ice cream?” Dream ask, spotting the ice truck park near the sidewalk.

“Sure unless you're paying” Sapnap remarks, bumping slightly into his boyfriend's side.

“Of course I am, my treat.”

“Okay then, since you are being so generous” Sapnap drags out. “-I would go for a sundae.”

“Actually Sapnap you should skip on having ice cream” George joins in on the conversation.

Sapnap sends an offended look towards George's way. “Why? I had ice cream before.”

“Yeah but you have smelly farts,” George adds. “- and I don't want to be around you nor trapped in the car while you're farting all day.”

“Oh be for real ,” Sapnap says, moving his right arm to wrap around his brunet boyfriend's shoulder pulling him close to his side. “ And besides, my fart doesn't smell bad and you love me.”

“Yeah but not your farts - get off me” George says, shoving Sapnap away once he starts making kissing noises at him making Dream laugh at their idiotic antics.

They end up purchasing ice cream from the ice cream truck. Sapnap didn't buy one and only ate from Dream's and George's; mainly from George's, making his boyfriend annoyed with him the whole trip. George also demanded he ride shotgun and to have all the windows down when they traveled their way back home.

After walking some more, they decided to make a stop by the railing to look at the beautiful view of the clear blue sky and ocean in front of them. Sapnap relaxes, leaning against the cool blue railing while enjoying the cold breeze that blasts across his face and the sound of crashing waves below.

He was glad he came out today. He has to admit, his mind has been so focused on work, work, work that he forgot what it was like to do things that were for himself and to do things with him and his boyfriends. His stress level is definitely high and his mental state wasn't the greatest but now he can slowly start to feel it dissipate. The auburn begins to slowly close his eyes and takes a deep breath in, filling his nostrils with the tangy sea water nearby before exhaling out a breath of air, opening his eyes. He can feel Dream on his right side and George on his left, leaning against him in a comforting manner.

No words were said between the three of them while they stared off at the view. A few seconds later, Dream took out his phone to take a few pictures and George joined in too.

“What about we all take a picture here?” George asks, moving his phone to Sapnap's face to take a ridiculous close up on his younger boyfriend.

“Stop, you b*tch” Sapnap says playfully shoving George away from him.

“Okay no fighting you too.-” Dream chimes in while still having his phone in his grasp. “Let me start first, you guys get close together” the blond states, backing away from them and motioning with his other hand to have his two boyfriends stand next to each other. Placing his phone back into his pocket, the brunet gets close to Sapnap and signals for Dream to start taking the photos.

He snaps a few silly pictures of them, one where George hugs Sapnap from behind and one with Sapnap making kissy faces at George and a few others before the blond deems that's good enough.

“Now my turn!” George cheers, snatching the phone away from Dream and pushing him towards Sapnap's way. He waits until they get settled in before he begins to snap photos of his boyfriends before he lets a disgruntled groan.

“Can you guys do silly poses instead of doing ....that” George gestures wildly with his unoccupied hand towards them.

“What? What's wrong with this?” Dream says standing idle, still in the same pose from seconds ago. Leaning in close next to Sapnap, his signature peace sign hand gesture while the younger man does a thumbs up.

“You know what, forget it” George scoffs, rolling his eyes as he snaps away more photos of the pair before he deems it was good enough.

“Okay, now you two get in the photo,” Sapnap says, switching places with George and ushering the brunet and the blond to stand next to each other so he can take a photo of them from Dream's phone. Standing in front of them now, he takes a quick moment to look at the beautiful scenery that has become prominent behind them. The sun is slowly setting, still hanging up in the sky, a few spotted clouds across the clear blue horizon.

A nice cool breeze brushes past them, fluttering his clothes, a nice chill flows down his spine. From afar, he can see the ocean waves crash against the rock, the sound of water splashing starts to soothe not only his ears but his heart.

The auburn lets out a heavy exhale of breath, shaking the feeling off to focus on the present.

“Alright guys, say cheese in 3…2...1.”

“Cheese” Dream and George say in unison, their huge smiles on display, shoulders bumping against each other. The sound of the shutter from the phone signals off, the photo being taken. Sapnap looks at the photo, making sure the angle came out good when all of a sudden he felt this impending doom strike across his entire body. Something that was supposed to be happy turned to something that felt eerie, strange that made Sapnap's hands shake.

Dream notices the sudden change in Sapnap’s demeanor but before he can say anything, George chimes in from beside him and shouts, “What's taking so long, idiot?!” he exclaims out wondering what's going on.

“Shut up, I'm checking something” Sapnap mumbles, still staring at the photo trying to make out what he saw but couldn't quite grasp on how to explain it. Seconds tick on until he decides to muster up the courage to speak out.

“Yeah it's uhh, I might need to take another photo, it didn't come out well.” he responds.

“Well that's because you're an idiot, let me see.” George states, walking his way over to Sapnap and reaching out for the phone when suddenly the auburn pulls away, hiding it behind his back.

“Move, I got it.”

“Clearly you don't, let me help -”

“I said, I got it.” Sapnap cuts George off with a stern voice before softening his tone. Noticing the sudden snap within him. “-It's fine, George. Just – One more okay?”

The bruent looks at him, trying to decipher what's going on before letting it go to stand by his other boyfriend's side. Dream looks at him and George does the same, a knowing look with no words to say between the two. A mutual understanding as they focus back on Sapnap in front of them.

Sapnap repeats the same saying from earlier and takes another photo and when the results came back, he couldn't help but suck his teeth in the process. It still comes out the same way. The photo felt off. Something about it didn't sit right in the pit of Sapnap's stomach. It looks as if it lost its saturation. A cloud comes across the lens making everything look dull. He never experienced anything like this before and when he looks up at Dream and George, who stare back at him with a quizzed look, the auburn can tell that his world was slowly tilting off his axis; because why, why was the scenery in front of him, the same as the photo?

☆☆☆☆

Sapnap knows something is wrong with him. He can feel himself starting to change, becoming a person he doesnt recognize anymore. Things started to feel - different, unnatural you could say. Things around him were starting to become a giant blob of nothingness, darkness where he began to forget the things that are important.

Not only the lens of his eyes made him see things that weren't there, it made him feel a sense of a heavy cloud pouring over him; everything felt gloomy and gray. But it also felt like the auburn was under a spell, as if a snap of someone's fingers brought him back to the present world. It was odd, strange that this all is occurring.

The snap of a finger and he was somehow driving and not remembering grabbing the car keys in the first place, making him carefully pull off to the side of the road while he tries to calm down the anxiety that is zipping across every inch of his body.

The snap of a finger and he's sitting in his office, having a virtual meeting with the head directors of NRG and not recalling that there was a meeting scheduled for today. Sapnap tries his hardest to not let it show on his demeanor that he has no clue on what he's doing nor what the conversation is about.

The snap of a finger and he would wake up and suddenly he's with Dream and George, helping along with the fusion project within the gym where the main setup is like he always does and yet he doesn't even remember typing out this line of code that he sees blinking back at him in the software editor. Sapnap musters up his strength to put on that brave smile he wore so many times when they ask if he's okay while all he could do is lie through his teeth.

The snap of a finger and he would wake up and feel so aware of the present world around him, his five senses are hyperactive making him feel overstimulating. Hitting the auburn at the worst time, making him sit in Dream's shower crying his heart out and hoping that his two boyfriends wouldn't hear his harsh cries.

It felt like the world around him was spinning out of control within his hands leaving him to wonder what's real or what's fake and that's when it dawned on him. The world that he sees is changing right in front of him and the vibrant colors the splashes on each thing his eyes lay upon and what mother nature has created has started to become lifeless - dull. Sapnap didn't know how to cope with this new discovery at all, making him spiral.

☆☆☆☆

The thought of something being wrong with Sapnap became even more prominent after coming back from the doctors with no answers to why things look so gloomy around him.

The sound of the engine roaring underneath them settles between the two men within the car while a pop song plays from the radio speakers on a low volume. Sapnap is sitting in the passenger seat, head leaning against the glass window, staring out and watching the scenery fly past him in Dream's car. Dream is in the driver seat, driving them back home after Sapnap's doctor appointment. It was at the spur of a moment when Sapnap asked Dream if he could take him to the doctors with hardly any information to go off; besides the part that Sapnap mentioned the phone receptionist wanting him to have a driver on hand just in case they needed to run a certain test.

Dream, although happy to oblige, also felt confused. This heavy tension looms around them. The energy emitting from his lover made him feel nervous; walking on eggshells. He's been noticing it for a while, the subtle distance between him and his boyfriend. Dream brought it up to George the other night once more when he knew things were getting worse but he didn't know how to pry. They always talked about having conversations is important for a healthy relationship and something they always did even before they got together a year ago. And still, Dream felt like things were going wrong, he didn't know if it was something he did or George did.

After Sapnap came back from the doctors office, he knew something had happened and his younger boyfriend probably didn't want to talk about it. Especially when he would only respond with one to two words so far since they've been driving the past thirty minutes. But Dream needs answers. They both do.

Settling at a red light, Dream relaxes in his seat and clears his throat, getting ready to break the heavy silence that lingers between them.

“Pandas?” Dream spoke, noticing the shakiness in his voice as it cracks through the silence. He can feel his heart beginning to thump fast in his chest, the onset anxiety brewing while he sucks in a deep breath of air and exhales it out.

A soft hum can be heard coming from the passenger seat where the auburn man sits but he doesn't move his gaze from the window. Dream turns his head slightly, to stare at his boyfriend.

“I uhh-” the blond pauses. Trying to wrap his head around on what's the right thing to say. He didn't like this situation whatsoever. Sapnap feels off today and one wrong move he might explode. Letting the thoughts form in his head once more, he speaks out. “- I just wanted to check on you. See if everything's – okay?” he shares, turning his gaze back to the road and hitting the gas pedal once he sees the traffic light flash to green.

He can hear shifting beside him before a voice, a mumble is picked up. “I'm fine.” Sapnap shares, fixing his position in his seat to shift his body more towards the window. Still in thought and focusing on the scenery in front of him.

Dream hums, feeling the sudden wave of emotions flowing through from the lackluster – closed off response. Trying his hardest to keep his eyes clear on the road and his hands on the steering wheel, he blinked a few times. He can't cry right now, not like this.

On the other side, Sapnap continues to stare out the window, thinking about the news he got back from the doctor. ‘I'm fine’, the response he gave to his boyfriend was far from the truth. He wasn't fine. He's sad, hurting, mentally drained and he didn't know how to explain it or how to handle this heavy feeling when he didn't get the answer to explain all of this.

When he started to notice the fog developing in his lens, Sapnap knew it had to be something serious. He never experienced anything like this before. He never had issues with his eyesight. Always a perfect vision and thanks to his dad's side since his mom battles with poor vision and has to wear glasses. But the clarity of his lens isn't the issue. It's the strange loss of colors. Things around him, something he has experienced all of his life, had a beautiful range of colors. He can see the brown to dark brown fur patterns on his cats, Milo, Naomi and Patches with such ease that if he looks at it today, it's a fading black.

He can look through his photo album and see all the pictures he has taken from his adventures just the past year with friends and family and yet they all come out the same. A sorta gray cloud, smoke to destroy the color contrast that those same photos once held.

He can stare at Dream's and George's face and look at their beauty, something that he was not only fond of but loves to stare at. He can see the hints of blond that adorn the curls of Dream's head seeing that his hair is starting to slowly grow out from his shortcut. The beautiful olive gems he loves to refer to as his eyes, when once the sun lands on them, it sparkles with such beauty that he can become hypnotized.

The faint specks of freckles scatter across those rosy cheeks and the bridge of his nose. The soft clean face that his lover has, a new look since he doesn't really like to have all that facial hair compared to how Sapnap lets his own grow out. Those pink plump shades of his blond lover's lips that he loves to kiss at and gosh it felt like it's been a while since he kissed those lips with passion.

He can stare at his brunet lover, admiring the dark brown coat of hair he loves to play in and constantly grab at just to annoy him. Similar to Dream's where specks of freckles scatter across his rosy cheeks and become more prominent once he arrived in Florida just shy of two years ago. He would stare at those deep dark brown eyes that resembled a chocolate fountain which would suddenly activate his hunger instinct, making him bite at his lover's shoulders in a playful gesture. Those same pink plump lips, a hint of darker shade compared to Dream's and he also couldn't recall the last time he had kissed them.

Everything around him that he once could see with such perfection has now disappeared; changing right in front of his eyes and he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to make sense of any of this! Why is this happening?!

If he looks at Dream's face right now, those vibrant colors would be drained from his boyfriend's features. It would look like he's staring at an old black and white television and Sapnap hated that so much.

A heavy sigh escapes out from Sapnap's parted lips, his gaze still lingering on the glass window. The view doesn't excite him anymore. The sky looks cloudy despite not seeing anyone wearing raincoats or carrying an umbrella. The store fronts, trees and restaurants all look gray out with no excitement. It's been like that for so long that he feels hopeless, a never ending cycle with no way of escaping. His hand grips the seat belt strap that is across his chest, to ground the heavy emotions that's just waiting to pour out.

From the driver's seat, Dream can hear the far away sigh, the sadness seeping from the spot next to him making him feel unwell. He felt suffocated, the feeling of hopelessness watching someone next to him become distant. It felt like he didn't know who Sapnap was, as if he was a stranger which is far from the truth. This is Sapnap next to him.

Someone he knew half his life since he was a kid. Someone who he forged a career with. Someone who became his lover, his soulmate, his other half alongside George and yet as he glances at him, he couldn't recognize the person who he fell in love with. He needed to figure this out. He knows Sapnap isn't okay and he wants to pry a bit further.

Dream continues to drive on, they weren't too far from their home, soon to be pulling up into the gated community. He clears his throat once more, wishing and praying that this doesn't go south.

“If there's anything troubling you, ” Dream trails off, mentally face palming because he didn't want that to be the first sentence to start off after their long silence but since he's here, he might as well continue. “- You know you can uhh, talk to me right?”

“What?” Sapnap responds, still not taking his eyes away from the window, watching the rows of trees pass by his line of sight. The dullness of the color aching his heart even more.

Gripping the steering wheel harder, Dream continues to drive while also trying to form the next sentence in his head.

“I was just saying that, if you're having a hard time, me and George are here for you.”

“I know that. Why are you asking?” Sapnap responds back.

Dream bites his bottom lip, a nervous habit, whilst keeping his eyes on the road, continuing his drive. This isn't looking good. He can feel the shift in the energy and the aggression in his lover's tone but Dream must face this. If this is the only way to get him to talk to him, he must do this.

Letting out a quiet breath of air, the blond speaks out again. “I know you know. I just - noticed you uhh having a hard time and… you… you went to doctors today so I thought something happened and you will tell us if something happened right?”

Sapnap remains silent, not saying anything but Dream can hear shifting next to him and then the sudden feeling of the auburn gaze being directed to the side of his head. He couldn't tell if he's angry or not but Dream can feel the lump forming in his throat making it hard to swallow.

“Dream, I said I was fine. Everything is fine.”

“I know, baby, but I'm just saying-”

“Drop it already.” Sapnap affirms, ending whatever this talk that they are having. The switch in his voice made the blond jolt in his seat. He grips the steering wheel tightly, letting off some of the gas as he goes to make a right turn to enter into their driveway; punching in a code to open up his own private gate.

Dream didn't expect things to go this way. He was just trying to help; he's just a concerned boyfriend. Anyone would be once they notice their lover isn't acting like themselves and yet Dream keeps on pushing him something that he will definitely regret soon enough.

“Pandas,”

“I said drop it, Dream, it's nothing of concern.”

“To me it is.” Dream vocalizes. “- you went to doctor and I just-”

“What the f*ck!?,” Sapnap exclaims. “I can't go to the doctors without you wanting to know every little detail!”

“Sapnap isn't like that-”

“It is!” the auburn man's voice raises in octave. The bomb has ticked off and now the blond is in the way of the explosion with no escape route. “- I told you it was fine and to drop it and yet you keep hounding me like a parent. I'm a grown adult and your not my dad so f*ck off!” Sapnap ends with a shout as Dream pulls up to the garage door. Sapnap unbuckles his seat belt and gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him before Dream could even shout for a ‘wait’ as the door closed in his face.

Dream sags in his seat, the emotional turmoil dawning on him watching from the window as his lover storms away and rounds the corner to go to the front door. Moving his shaky hand to the keys within the ignition, he turns the car off. He then leans his head against the steering wheel, gripping the top half of the wheel, hunched over, letting out a shaky breath of air. He begins letting his emotions flow out.

He cries and cries and cries. Feeling his heart shatter into millions of pieces and breathing becoming constricted. He felt horrible for what he did. He was only trying to help and yet he made everything worse. He knows Sapnap definitely hates him for this and he couldn't help but hate himself too. It feels like his lover is slipping through the cracks of his fingers no matter how hard he grabs onto the red thread.

A few minutes ticks on by before he stops crying, feeling exhausted and numb, trying to pull himself together – when all of a sudden the sound of the passenger door opens to his right. With blurry eyes he flinches, protecting himself from whoever the intruder was only to see a faint figure of someone he recognizes; it's his other boyfriend George. The brunet gets into the passenger seat, closing the door beside him. No words were said between the two, just the small sound of sniffles and slow breathing to escape within the car.

George reaches over with both hands held out, grabbing a hold of Dream's face, feeling the damp tears on his palm and staring into his eyes. Reading over the hurt expression, red rimmed eyes, red button nose with mucus settling from his nostrils to his top lips. He looks like a complete mess but that didn't stop the brunet from pulling him into a hug. He doesn't know how long they spent in the car crying and talking together but all he knows is that they both came out feeling numb and part of their soul torn from within.

Chapter Text

It's been a week since Sapnap lashed out on Dream, and he can admit, he felt horrible. Horrible wasn't even the right word to describe everything. He just knows that he doesn't feel like himself anymore and is living in a constant state of agony.

He's been laying in bed, day in and day out, mulling over how he's going to properly apologize and nothing comes to mind. And the sad part is that he can hear footsteps approaching his door, a knock to rattle the quiet place and a soft call out to his name and he will remain silent. Not moving a muscle and hoping that they don't find the spare key to enter his room.

Whenever he leaves his room, only to use the restroom, he would find food wrapped in plastic sitting by his door. Sometimes he would hear the sound of a plate slightly tinkling against the floor, food being left for him. Despite him being locked away in his room, his lovers don't want to see him starve. They still love and care so much for him which makes Sapnap's heart ache. The auburn often cries as he eats the meals in his room thinking about how he doesnt deserve the love they are still giving him. 

Letting out a heavy sigh, Sapnap remains rooted to his bed. The back of his head pressing firmly into the plush pillow underneath him. It felt like his body was sinking deep within, becoming one with the mattress. He's been doing that alot lately. Just lying in bed, watching television or staring up at the ceiling that he knows is a white color with small indents and crack, but all he sees is fog. 

Everything looked so gray to him and he didn't know if he wanted to punch the wall to the point his knuckles split and bleed or to cry out from frustration, ripping every strand of his hair out. He honestly felt like doing neither, more like he couldn't even if he tried.

He felt so utterly and pathetically numb. This world he's living in isn't real. It felt like a false reality that his subconscious created to protect him from whatever is out there to harm him. He knows that once he actually blinks his eyes, he would see that white color of the ceiling he knows existed ever since he stepped foot into his new home four years ago. 

He would blink his eyes and see the brown color sheets he's currently laying on that definitely needed to be washed but once again, his energy is non-existent. 

He would blink his eyes and see the purple anime sweater and black shorts he's currently wearing. An outfit he had on for a week now and the only thing he had changed into. He hasn't showered at all and he can smell the hint of sweat that clings to his body but he doesn't move an inch. His clean bag of clothes sits in the corner of his room, and luckily he did the laundry before this whole ordeal happened – turning his head to look at the bag. 

The gray bag remains intact, he can see the small indents of his clothes that are folded nicely within. He could change his outfit right now, even shower too to get all the sweat off his body but he was too sluggish to move at all, turning his head away from the laundry. 

He draws his attention to the window, drifting back to the thoughts from earlier. He would blink his eyes and see the beautiful crystal clear blue sky that accompanies a yellow ball of sun that produces such heat and rays of golden hues which are now being hidden behind his curtain. The same curtain that he wants to open up but once again couldn't be bothered to lift a finger. 

He knows lying in bed like this, in his own despair, rotting away is doing more harm than good so he musters up the courage to do something for the first time since locking himself in his room. Groaning a bit, he got up from the bed, feeling the frizzy texture of the gray carpet make contact with his bare feet. 

Standing upright, he stretches his limbs, a heavy groan followed by cracks of his bones escaping into the quiet air. Settling back into his normal upright stance and feeling a bit better, he sluggishly makes his way to his window; grabbing a hold of the curtains and opening them, letting the blaring sunlight enter into his dark room. He winces, the light making his eyes water causing him to move away from the window. Sapnap then turns his attention to the corner where his clean bag of clothes sits and makes his way to the bag to rummage through for a clean pair of socks to put on. 

Finding the pair of socks, he begins to put them on, leaning his weight onto the wall for balance to snuggle the warm socks onto his cold feet. Pushing himself off the wall, Sapnap walks over to grab his phone and place it into the pockets of his black shorts. He then makes his way to his shoe rack, picking up his gray sliders and putting them on before he begins to venture out of the room. 

Exhaustion clouding his mind, Sapnap walks in the direction of the bathroom, stepping inside and turning on the light switch. He makes his way to the toilet to relieve himself. Flushing the toilet and then washing his hands, in that moment, Sapnap felt a chill run down his spine standing in front of the mirror. He hasn't looked at himself properly in weeks now, avoiding the reflection of a person staring back at him in mockery. 

Last time he looked in the mirror, he saw a shriveled up shell of his own being. Eyes unrecognizable to the man that stares back up at him with sharp teeth and an evil snare, dark hooded eyes that made Sapnap almost punch the mirror in front of him out of fright. Drying his hands with the towel, he quickly leaves the bathroom.

Standing outside in the hallway, the lights turned off, Sapnap ponders on what he should do. He didn't feel like streaming even though it's been a week and he did promise a stream for the fans. He didn't feel like doing anything that resorts using a lot of energy.

Sighing out, he swiftly walks down the hall, passes by George's bedroom door and halts in his step. The auburn almost knocked on the door, just to say hello but opted out. Feeling the guilt to begin trickling in. 

Moving along, passing by the closed door, Sapnap descends his way down the stairs. Taking careful strides and holding onto the railing for support so he doesn't slip. Reaching the bottom of the staircase, he turns, glancing towards his left side. 

He can see Dream's office door close and he already knows that his boyfriend is deep in working on his project. Not wanting to bother him, Sapnap decides to head towards the backyard. 

Looking at the time, it's a little past one pm judging by the digital clock display on the microwave, his stomach growls but he doesn't feel like eating much. Making a quick stop to the kitchen to grab a diet dr.pepper and protein chips just in case.

Sapnap begins walking his way to the door that leads to their backyard. Grabbing the white door handle with his unoccupied hand, sliding the door to the side, he goes outside. The fresh scent of grass, trees, wood and dirt fills into Sapnap's nostrils, taking in a deep breath of the air and exhaling out. 

It was good to get some fresh air after being enclosed for so long. Living in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the woods had a sort of tranquility in the air. As much as he wanted to enjoy the beautiful horizon in front of, the same dullness flashed across his lens. 

Taking a seat down onto the bench that adorns their backyard, Sapnap just sits there; Trying to make sense of everything that's been happening the past couple of months. He knows he's tackling a lot of stress and been down this road before but not like this. It's like he made a left turn and got lost in the fog that blocked his line of vision and no matter how much he kept his foot on the gas pedal, hoping that he would escape the fog; it just ended up going in mindless circles, leaving him stranded. 

Sapnap leans against the back support of the tan color bench while his mind slips in and out of thoughts. The auburn man didn't even know that one of his boyfriend's is currently opening the sliding door to join the empty space on the bench until he heard the snap of a twig causing him to jolt. 

He looks up with wide eyes, startled by the noise and matching an equal startled look to etch onto Dream's face who halts in his step. 

The one person that he wasn't ready to form a proper apology to has appeared.

“F*ck bro, you scared me” Sapnap says, placing his hand up to his chest, feeling his heart pump against his chest cavity. 

“Can say the same thing for you,” Dream lets out a breath of air while trying to calm down his own beating heart. Sapnap lets out a small hum and nothing more. 

A beat of awkward silence loomed over them quickly as neither man spoke. Dream hastily tapped his foot against the concrete ground to settle his nerves while Sapnap sat on the bench, keeping his gaze set forward, something catching his attention in the woods. The blond knew that something within the air felt different this time around. A sudden openness, strangely enough making him ask his boyfriend a question, definitely missing the sound of his voice after being apart for so long. 

“So…” he trails off. “-uhh what are you doing out here?” he asked, walking closer to Sapnap and now hovering beside him. 

“What?” Sapnap scoffs out, tilting his head to look up at Dream, no cap on his head to obstruct his view. His hair probably looked like a mess, forgetting to grab his cap before leaving his room. “I can't be in my own backyard?” he ends off in a playful tone. 

But to Dream, it triggers something within him, remembering the similar words Sapnap had said leading up to their fight causes him to go on a slight fight or flight response. “Y-you know w-what I mean…. sorry for asking” the blond mumbles the last sentence out hoping Sapnap didn't hear because he didn't want to get into another fight today. 

Sapnap noticed the way his boyfriend's words drifted off, a far away looked to catch his eyes; the stand off vibes and immediately felt guilt consume him. He didn't mean for it to come off in an angry way or to be hurtful. Something he regrets deeply, an apology, right on the tip of his tongue. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..” he trails off, sucking in a breath of air while he tries to find the right words. “-I'm just out here…needed to clear my head” Sapnap says, turning to look at Dream. His boyfriend nods his head in agreement.

“Same here.”

Sapnap hums and turns back to look at the scenery in front of him. A few beats of silence ticks on before He then turns to look back at the blond, noticing his hovering and the hasty foot taps against the concrete ground and sparks up a conversation. 

“You can sit if you want,” Sapnap says, scooting to the other side of the bench to make room. He continues to stare, waiting to see what he will do. The flash of hesitancy flickers in the blonds eyes. Dream is nervous , Sapnap deems and immediately feels his heart ache, stomach turning with a rise of bile up his throat. Trying his best to keep himself composed, he sits up straighter and waits until his boyfriend is ready. 

“Thank you” the blond softly says, taking the unoccupied seat beside his boyfriend. A small smile etched its way up to Sapnap's lips, turning his head away from Dream to look at the open landscape in front of them, looking beyond the fence that blocks them from any nearby crawlers.

A small conversation looms between the two men sitting on the bench once more. Both men looked exhausted, Sapnap being mentally burned out and Dream looking tired from working diligently on his fusion project on a daily basis. Part of him felt this hollowness settling into his chest after finding out that Dream usually goes out here to take breaks and relieve stress that's going on and the fact that he's making things worse doesn't feel right to him. So he makes it up little by little.

Occasionally taking a few chips out of the bag to eat and offering some to Dream who takes a few for himself before passing it back. He asks about the progress of the project and how he's doing overall while he listens to his boyfriend ramble on. It was calm as much as it could be but Sapnap knew that things were brewing inside of him. The emotions he has holding within are just ready to burst out of his control. 

“Hey Dream,” Sapnap hesitantly says, changing the direction of conversation between them. The auburn gaze is currently set forward, looking at the scenery that adores their shared backyard. The rows of trees and bushes that lead to the view of the forest and a nice walking path he uses when he goes on his morning jogs.

“Yeah?” Dream says turning his head to face Sapnap and stares off waiting patiently for his boyfriend to continue speaking. 

“Do you think the world has become dull around us?”

Dream stills, his face contorts, confusion etched onto his features as he tries to comprehend what Sapnap just asks. “What do you mean?” 

“It just-” Sapnap pauses, seemingly in thought. He tilts his head up slightly to look at the sky that wasn't being obstructed by their roof and exhales a heavy sigh. “-it feels like it's been cloudy for a while now, has that gloomy feel to it, i don't know” he trails off. 

Dream remains silent, waiting to see if his boyfriend would say anything more while he pieces together the puzzles that have been forming in his head for the past few months now. 

He watches as the auburn shoulders go up before dropping back then, a shrug he just did. Time felt like it froze for a split second, the only sound that swarmed around them is the soft breeze that brushes past them to wisp in Dream's ear followed by the heavy thumping of his heart beating against his rib cage. It felt like his airway was being constricted, the sudden shift in the air became prominent while he remained silent, waiting for the words to leave his boyfriend's mouth. Sapnap continued to look at the sky, his lips parted and opened up to speak once more, letting the news hit Dream like a freight train.

“It feels - it feels like everything has become gray” Sapnap softly spoke, voice cracking in a way that Dream hasn't heard in a long time. 

He watches his boyfriend let out a shaky breath of air, fighting against the waves of emotions that's coming through and Dream doesn't know what to do. Sapnap is finally opening up to him, something he's been waiting patiently for ever since he noticed the changes within his boyfriend; And yet he's hesitant. He doesn't want a repeat of what happened last time but he needs to know what's going on. Parting his lips apart, he contemplates on what to say and decides to speak the words that cause a shift within everything around them. 

“Can you tell me more?” Dream says softly, fighting that anxiety that pools at the bottom of his stomach. He scoots closer to be next to Sapnap and prays that whatever comes doesn't destroy what's left of their relationship. 

On the other end, the feeling of his boyfriend's arms slowly wrapping around his small frame; the welcoming warmth followed by hearing those words caused something within Sapnap to snap, his emotions came flooding out like a dam while he stumbled over his words in choke sobs. 

“I- I don't know, I- don't know how. I just don't - feel right and I'm sorry Dream - I'm - I'm so sorry” he cries while Dream pulls him into a hug. He continuously babbles into Dream's brown sweatshirts, snot and tears seeping onto the fabric, gripping the back of his shirt to ground him as he lets out everything he's been holding in for months now. 

The pure agony, the mental burn out. The anger, the unrecognizable look of himself in the reflection. His world turned into a shade of gray right before his very own eyes with no explanation. He lets all that out into Dream's chest, screaming and crying until his throat becomes sore and entire body feels numb while his boyfriend talks him through it. Saying reassuring words that ‘everything is okay’, ‘I've got you, let it out’ , all of an ounce of love poured into Sapnap which he truly felt like he didn't deserve. Not after treating George and Dream so cruelly. 

It felt like time moved in slow motion until the auburn started to feel tired from all the crying but also suffocating being within Dream’s chest; tapping his side, near his waist to let him know he's ready to let go. Dream obliges, letting go of his boyfriend so he can come out from under the furnace. 

Sapnap pulls back, sitting straighter now, using the sleeves of his purple sweater to wipe at his nose and eyes, not daring to meet Dream’s gaze. He felt exhausted, like every fiber in his being is telling him to go to sleep and rest his body but he knew he couldn't do that. He can't run away like he has been doing in the past. His boyfriend – both of them – deserves an explanation. 

From near him, He can hear a slight sniffle and decides to look up and that's when his heart breaks further. Not knowing it was even possible to break after the damage it's been through but the scene in front of him made him feel weighted bricks tumbling onto his body. Dream, his boyfriend is crying, sniffling away the snot that was trying to fall from his nostrils and wiping away the tears that form on his lash line. 

Before Sapnap can even process what's really going on, he lets the first few words stumble from his mouth while he moves his right hand up; placing his hand onto his boyfriend's cheek. 

“You're crying” Sapnap musters out feeling the dampness under his palm. 

“Yeah, I got emotional seeing you cry” Dream spoke, a wet chuckle escapes as he leans into the auburn's hand, closing his eyes softly to take in a few shallow breaths. 

“I'm sorry for….everything” Sapnap shares, not finding the right words to say and wanting to say more but couldn't, casting his gaze down onto his shorts. Mentally beating himself up for the things he's been doing. 

But Dream gets the message that Sapnap is conveying. “I know baby, it's okay” Dream responds, moving Sapnap's hand from his cheek to kiss the inside of his palm before lowering it back down into his lap, turning to hold his hand in a firm grip. 

Sapnap leans forward, resting his forehead against his boyfriend's bony shoulder blades, squeezing the grip to show signs of mutual understanding. It's a beautiful day outside, humid but nice and cool. A breeze brushes past them and Sapnap can feel the coolness touch his back, a whisp sound to hit his ear and wind to flutter the strands of his hair. A few beats of silence ticked on until Dream spoke out. 

“Feeling better, Pandas?” the blond says, rubbing his cheek against Sapnap’s hair. 

“Mhm” 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Sapnap shakes his head no. The right answer to this should be yes, yet he responds with no. Not knowing the direction he wanted to take this conversation. 

“I think it will be best if we talk about it, especially with George, but if you aren't ready, I understand” Dream reassures Sapnap once more whilst the auburn contemplates on what he should do. He needs to talk with them. He can't have a mental breakdown and just go on about his day without letting his boyfriend's – who he knows are worried sick about him – not know why he's acting like this.

Letting out a sigh and deciding that it's best to get this over with, Sapnap speaks out. “I'm ready,” he mumbles. 

Dream hums, waiting for Sapnap to begin moving off of him, so they can change locations. “So my room or yours?” Dream asked. 

“Yours. I definitely can't stay enclosed in my room for another day” the auburn jokes, moving his head away from Dream's shoulder. 

Getting up now and feeling the exhaustion drain within his bones, hand to hand, both him and Dream exit the backyard. Now inside, Sapnap places the half eaten chips and half open bottle of drink on the counter before following behind his boyfriend. Grabbing a hold of the golden handle that adorns his bedroom door, Dream opens the door and walks inside the room where he leads Sapnap to his bed. 

Sapnap steps out of his slider and jumps into the bed, immediately landing face first into the silk sheets underneath, sinking his weight into the plush mattress below. He can hear a soft chuckle coming from Dream and he shifts his position to lay on his side, curling his body into fetal position.

“I'm going to get George okay?”

“Mhhm” he mumbles, curling into himself further whilst submerging his face into the blue sheets that adorn Dreams bed. He inhaled the scent of his boyfriend and immediately felt his nerves calm down over the thought of his boyfriend leaving his side. Obviously he knows he will be right back and still the anxiety brews. He can feel Dream place his hand on his shoulder, a firm squeeze before walking away. The draft of air leaves with him out the door while the auburn lies in bed. 

Seconds tick on by, feeling the silence swallow him hold until he starts to hear life enter in the room besides himself. “ Sapnap ..” George softly says, easing his way towards the bed with caution, Dream following close behind. The auburn sits up, emotions already on the high for being alone for so long even though it's only been a minute. 

“ George… ” Sapnap spoke, voice cracking sounding so small, child-like and unlike his usual cheery self that he hasn't heard in a while now. 

George kneels into the bed, grabbing a hold of Sapnap's warm hand. He looks over his boyfriend's features, seeing the distraught look, red rimmed eyes and red button nose and immediately pulls him into a hug. The warmth of his boyfriend's body against him and the fabric of his black designer tee rubbing against his cheek was comforting to Sapnap. He can feel himself begin to cry, squeeze his eyes shut, he fights back the emotional turmoil. Mustering his attention to focus on the rocking motions of the hug. 

“I'm so sorry George” Sapnap shares, feeling the rest of the words he wanted to say get stuck in his throat.

“I know, kitten, just please don't scare us like that again, Okay?” George confesses, squeezing Sapnap more tighter. Feeling the bed dipped, the auburn cracks open his eyes and looks ahead and sees Dream staring at him. 

A warm smile etched onto his boyfriend's face made him feel better. Closing his eyes once more to take in the warmth that surrounds him. Feeling another set of arms gather around them as they hug. No words said between the three men as Sapnap relaxed but he knew he couldn't get too comfortable. He needs to speak, explaining his side of the story. 

“I'm ready to…uhh talk about everything.” Sapnap mumbles through the warmth. On que, he felt his boyfriend's move away from him. With some distance, Sapnap sits straight up, scooting himself back; settling himself against the headboard of his boyfriend's bed, feeling the wood texture rub against his back. Sitting criss-cross on top of the sheets, he stares off at the small gap that separates the space between him and his two lovers in front of him. 

The moment of truth has finally arrived and no matter how much he sat in the darkness of his room, reciting on how he was going to break the news to Dream and George. How he will apologize for how awful he has been to them, he finds himself tongue tied. Lips parted open and no words to escape out. Dozens of sentences run through his mind on tangent and sadly nothing sticks leaving him to sit in silence not moving his gaze up. 

Noticing the hesitant coming from Sapnap, George breaks the silence and gives some encouraging words. “Take all the time you need. We will be right here.” the brunet cautiously says, turning slightly to look at Dream before turning his attention back on Sapnap.

He knows this conversation is going to be hard for Sapnap but he needs to hear what's going on. He needs to know why his boyfriend changed so suddenly and became angry and withdrawn. Maybe it's a bit selfish of him to ask for answers, especially seeing the state Sapnap is in. He does an once over look, taking in the greasy unkempt state his hair is in. The wrinkles in his clothes. The slouch debauched stance while his head hangs low and eyes casted down onto the sheets. Sapnap didn't look good at all, making George's heartbreak further than it has the past few months. 

A heavy sigh comes from Sapnap, cutting George off from his observation while he goes to straighten his posture, focusing all his divine attention on his lover.

“It's so stupid,” Sapnap exasperated, not taking his eyes off the sheets below him. The texture of it against his skin, grounds him a bit, trying to make sense of everything. “-I need to talk about this, I just don't know where to begin” he shares, moving his hands up to his face to rub harshly at his skin. Feeling the sting from the harsh rub around his red rimmed eyes. 

Silence settles between the three of them as Sapnap decides it’s best to start talking now rather than later. “You guys remember when we went to the pier a few weeks back or so?” Sapnap questions, moving his hand to play with the little dread that comes from out of the sheets. 

Dream and George look at eachother again, trying to think back to the details of that day at the pier until the memories flood back in making the blond respond first. 

“Oh yeah. I remember that day,” the blond nods with his head. “What about it?”

Sapnap bites his bottom lip, trying to hold back his emotions, he's done enough crying already yet he can still feel a little bit remaining in the exhaust tank.

“Okay,” he breathes out. Rubbing his hands against the fabric of his shorts, letting the anxiousness out before he opens his mouth to speak again. “I believe – no – I know that's when things started to turn for the worse. Like when I started to notice a change within me.”

George and Dream stills, holding their breath as memories of that day continue to flow through. The sudden switch of their boyfriend's playful behavior to him being withdrawn, snapping at them with no reason to be angry when they were all just having a great time. 

“Can you explain more of -”

“Was it because I was a bit mean to you that day?” George questions cutting Dream off and causing Sapnap to look at his lovers.

He immediately moves his hands up, waving it in front of him to signal no. “no no, It wasn't because of that. I was already not in the best head space that day. it's been like that for a while now.” He trails off, eyes still lingering on his boyfriend's.

The attentive look and concern etched onto both of their features is enough for Sapnap to speed this conversation up. He can feel the heavy emotions pushing against his chest, trying to pry its way out.

“What I'm about to say may seem weird even a bit – insensitive – but please listen to me, okay?” 

Dream and George both nod in unison and that was Sapnap's que to begin. Taking a deep breath in and a deep breath out, he let all his emotions out in one tangible saying. 

“I thought that the heavy emotions I was feeling the past few months was because of how stressed I was. The constant traveling, meetings, streaming, answering emails and phone calls - All of that made me feel so overwhelmed and burned out - And I felt like I was losing control of myself.” Sapnap breathes out, shutting his eyes to stop the emotions from flowing. He can feel the bed move slightly, two pairs of hands to rest against his knee as a sign of support, the touch lingering for a moment before withdrawing; heat disappearing. 

“I started to become angry, not recognizing who I was in the mirror and I tried my hardest to keep composed. I tried my hardest to not let it show in my demeanor because we are all going through something and it felt selfish of me to complain about this load of work when we have the easiest job in the world.” Sapnap pauses once more, knowing that he's talking in loops and decides to bring the conversation back to the day at the pier. 

“When we took that photo at the pier I…uhh - I…” he stumbles, blinking his blurry eyes and moving his hands up to his face, wiping at the water that's starting to produce from his eyes. Continuing his confession. 

“In that photo, I didn't see the same image that I knew I was supposed to see…. - I - I know that the sky is blue and the clouds are white. I know that the ocean is dark blue and I know that your hair is blond, Dream and George, your hair is dark brown but that day…I didn't see that.”

The heavy tension followed by the silence trickled in for a brief moment before it got interrupted. 

“....What did you see?” George asks, moving slightly forward once he sees Sapnap hunched over, his body shuddering. In choke sobs Sapnap spoke the words that made Dream and George's world come crashing down. 

“Gray. Everything looked so gray and uhh I don't know. I just - I - I panic!” he exclaims.  “- and I got angry at you guys because it felt like my entire world got flipped upside down and the colors that I used to see just vanished out of nowhere and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry” Sapnap cried while his boyfriends scooted closer to him, one on his left the other on the right, hugging and comforting him whilst he continued.

“I'm so scared and I don't know what's going on and i…don't feel like myself. I feel all weird in my head and I was so mean to you guys and uhh you both didn't deserve that at all. I treated you guys like sh*t and that's not like me, you know it's not which makes things worse.” he cries out.

“It's okay -” Dream reassures but Sapnap thinks otherwise, cutting him off. 

“No it's not! Stop saying it's okay, it's not!” Sapnap shouts, jostling his boyfriends on his side. “You guys deserve better. You guys deserve to be treated with love then whatever crap I'm giving you. Get mad at me, yell at me, tell me how awful I am. I can take it!”

“Sapnap -” George pleads out before Sapnap cuts him off.

“How can you guys -” the auburn trails off, choking through his sobs, grabbing at his chest while trying to get the words out. “How can you both be so forgiven when I hurt you?” His voice cracks, leaning his face into George's chest. Sapnap breaks down further, heart shattering into millions of tiny pieces while he begins to lose his breath. 

“I can't, I can't, - breathe”

“We got you” George says while looking at Dream, already seeing the tears pool into his other lover's eyes. Focusing back on Sapnap, George speaks again.

“Breath in and out, okay”

“I can't-”

“You can. in and out, okay. Look at me” George said cautiously, waiting for his boyfriend to look up at him. Sapnap fights those negative thoughts that pour in. The thoughts that told him how useless he is, told him that he doesn't deserve to be with Dream and George. Telling him that he doesn't deserve to be happy. Through teary eyes he finally breaks through the thoughts and looks at his boyfriend, letting out shallow breaths. 

“There you go, kitten. Breathe, in and out. Just like that” George states. He goes to look at Dream, seeing as he also follows along with the breathing exercises. 

They do the exercises a few more times before everything begins to settle in. Sapnap becomes limp, leaning into George's chest once more. The brunet makes room, having Sapnap shift so he's sitting between his legs. Closing his tired eyes, Sapnap sinks into the warmth, feeling George's chest rising and falling ever so slightly; the headache ringing on his temple.

Dream and George on the other hand look at each other, the hurt and pain etched onto their features after witnessing the mental breakdown their boyfriend just had. It was bound to happen, judging by the way Sapnap has been withdrawn and still, they didn't expect it to go down like this. They had never seen Sapnap cry and yell like this before and it definitely gave them a huge scare. 

Shifting slightly in the bed to lean against George's side, Dream closes his eyes to take a few moments of rest. Letting the exhaustion take over his body as the silence fills into the room. 

☆☆☆☆

“Would you guys still love me if I was a worm?” Sapnap asks randomly, moving his finger against the warm skin of George's arm, breaking the lingering silence that settled between three men on the bed.

He can hear both his lovers say ‘what’ at the same time, George scoffing from above. The movement jostled his body against the auburn. 

“What? I'm just asking.” Sapnap mutters. 

He can see Dream from beside George lean forward to look at him. “Of course I will still love you even if you were a worm.” He states before placing a chaste kiss on Sapnap's sweaty forehead. 

“Thank you.” he says, smiling softly through tired eyes. “George?” He asks, looking up as much as he can.

“I mean…,” George trails off. “I guess I will love you, even if you were the dirtiest worm in the entire world.”

That response made Sapnap sit up, almost bumping his head with George's chin as his brows furrowed, an offended look to etch onto his features. “The f*ck? Why do I have to be the dirtiest?” He asked.

“Well it's because you smell right now”

Sapnap gasped, face flushing over the realization. “You f*cker” he states, shoving George playfully and moving away from him as the brunet cackles loudly.

“Hey don't get mad at me” George says through laughter.

“ Dream ” Sapnap whines, turning his attention to his other boyfriend. 

“What?” 

“You didn't tell me I stink. We hugged earlier and you didn't say a thing.”

“Don't pay George any attention he's joking-”

“Am not”.

“George.”

“Dream.”

They both stare at each other, having a staring contest. Dream's strong glare and George's equally matched stare – a battle infused before Dream gives up letting the brunet cheer in victory. 

“Okay well it's not that bad.”

“Omg, this is so embarrassing” Sapnap fake cries, hiding his face in the palm of his hands. 

“Well there's one way we can fix that” Dream chimes in watching his boyfriend going through several stages of grief. 

“And what's that?” 

“Taking a shower, idiot” George chimes in.

Sapnap groans, falling back onto the plush mattress, feeling the tiredness cling to his bones. “I should but I'm so tired.” He whines out.

“Too bad,” George says, nudging Sapnap's leg away once he tries to lay it on top of his thighs.

Sapnap hums, taking this moment to reel everything in. Letting his thoughts become clearer after the mental breakdown he had. Staring up at the ceiling, he still can see the glimpse of gray covering his lens and decides to close his eyes, letting out an exhale of breath. He turns onto his side, opening his eyes to stare at his lovers. The words just ready to spew from the tip of his tongue, the words he's been uttering constantly since his breakdown. 

“I'm really sorry for how I acted,” he spoke. “I know - I know I probably sound like a broken record, but truly, I'm sorry. To the both of you” he trails off. 

“We forgive you Pandas” Dream said, shifting to lean more of his weight to have a better angle, looking at his boyfriend.

“I know I just, - I feel - I feel awful. The car situation, the pier, me being distant. Just everything. I'm truly sorry for everything.” and he meant that from the bottom of his heart. 

“Well I'm just glad that you were able to talk to us. We were so worried about you” Dream says before looking at George, hoping he adds a few words of sentiment. 

Noticing the stare and nudge from Dream, George thinks on the right words to say to convey his thoughts. 

“Dream's right. To be honest, we both had our suspicions…” he trails off turning to look at Dream before turning back to look at Sapnap. “-I've noticed way back when we went to LA a few months ago and it kept going on and it definitely was an eye opener after the argument you and Dream had. I found him crying and we both ended up crying and talking in the car.” George said. 

Sapnap shifts to lay on his stomach so he can look up at Dream and George, the guilt exceeding through his body over the knowledge that he made them both cry. Not only did he not think that his distance and anger would affect both of his lover's but the argument he had with Dream is something he deeply regrets. 

“I didn't – i didnt know I made you cry Dream, same for you George…i” he trails off, trying to find the right words over this realization.  “I don't think me saying sorry enough would change anything.”

“But it did Sapnap-” Dream says, moving to sit close to his lover, his knee brushing against his waist. “You told us your problem, something mentally that we didn't quite understand. Mental health is something that is serious and hard to talk about and yet you told us. And we forgive you, so don't be harsh on yourself.”

George being the one who is not the greatest with words but still wanted to get his sentiment across, speaks out. “Your reaction is valid, Sapnap. I would freak out too. I may not have the full color range like you both have but I would be scared if I found that the way I see things change out of nowhere. So don't worry about being insensitive, okay.” He leans over to playfully rub at the auburn hair. 

“Whenever there's a problem we will always be here for you. You come talk to us no matter how big or small it may be, okay, baby?” Dream shares, moving his hand up to rub soothingly against his boyfriend's back. 

Sapnap takes a moment to let the words settle within him. The soft touches, the reassuring statements, the emotional aspect of it all made his eyes begin to water.  “I really love you both so much” Sapnap spoke, wiping away the tears that were beginning to fall from his eyes. Feeling the warmth spread across his body, the love he's receiving.

“We love you too” Dream says while George nods his head, his fingers playing with the strands of Sapnap's hair. 

“I think that's enough emotional talk for today,” George says, moving his hand away from Sapnap. “-it's time to shower, stinknap” he shares, getting up from the bed, and reaching over to playfully smack his boyfriend's butt, making Sapnap kick at him.

“Only if you guys join me” Sapnaps vocalizes, the hesitancy lingering in his tone making Dream pause his movement from getting up from the bed. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah…I don't want to be alone right now,” Sapnap admits, sitting up from the bed. 

“That's fine with me? You cool with that George?” 

“As long as you let me try that new shampoo you brought?” He smugs. 

“You've been after my shampoo ever since I got it.” Dream says with the roll of his eyes.

“Exactly, now let's go. Chop chop. We got a boyfriend to clean up” George responds, walking his way in the direction of Dream's bathroom while the blond shakes his head. 

As Dream begins to walk, following behind George, he stops once he notices that Sapnap hasn't moved from the bed. 

“Sapnap?” Dream ask, walking back. 

Sapnap looks down, playing with the hem of his sweater. His mind still fragile, words flying across his thoughts at rapid speed. 

“I just – thanks for being there for me, you and George both. And for listening and not thinking I'm like…crazy for feeling this way.” 

“Pandas,” Dream trails off, looking down at his lover, noticing his fragile stance. “Don't ever think that you're crazy for feeling this way. You're going through a hard time right now and that's okay. We will always be here for you no matter what. So no need to thank us, okay.”

“Okay”

“What's taking you guys so long, the shower is ready!” George shouts from the bathroom, poking his head out from the room to usher his boyfriends along. 

“We're coming. Jeez” Dream says, rolling his eyes. He grabs a hold of Sapnap's hand, pulling him along, the warmth to spread across the younger man's body as they venture into the bathroom. 

☆☆☆☆

Feeling the warm water flow down his aching body, Sapnap can feel the tension slowly ease from within him. The feeling of George behind him, the wash cloth moving against his back was soothing. The feeling of Dream's fingers grazing against his scalp as he washes his hair made him feel every ounce of love pour in from between his lover's. 

He knows he will be okay. He knows that what he's feeling right now wouldn't last forever. It's just a gloomy day, a heavy downpour that's settling on him and even when he feels the squeeze of his heart tightening in his chest, his throat constricted, emotions seeping out into the shower of the four corner space; he lets go. He cries, holding onto his lover for support as he's being lower down to sit on the shower floor. Dream and George cling to his wet body, comforting him while he cries out, feeling their fingers graze against his vulnerable body.

☆☆☆☆

Turning the key into the ignition, Sapnap pushes on the gas pedal and begins to drive again after stopping on the side of the road. The fog isn't letting up any time soon but he still drives through, making a left turn and then a right turn, hoping to find a way out of this mist. It's been a lonely road, no one but himself swarmed around fog in every direction. It was frightening, no sun to pour in to shine through the gray as it touches everything. It's just an endless route, with no way of escaping and Sapnap felt like giving up. It was pointless, the amount of turns he took just to end up nowhere and yet he still drives on. A sudden will to keep fighting. He makes another turn and sees in the far distance an opening. 

It's faint, the soft white light that submerged through the gray and for the first time in a long time, Sapnap felt like he was going to be okay, he felt hope. Pushing on the gas pedal, he drives straight ahead, embarking on his journey of finally leaving this fog. Blinking himself out of his haze, he can feel his body sink into the fresh clean sheets of Dream's bed. The material of clean clothes clinging onto his body. The feeling of George pressing against his back, his strong grip around his abdomen. His face leaning against Dream’s chest, smelling the clean scent of fabric softener as the warm blanket drapes over them. He felt content and love. The thought of knowing that he can fight this. 

He knows he will get through this. He knows that it's just a cloudy day and it will take some time to see sunshine but as long as he has his lovers by his side everything will be okay. He will one day wake up and see the beautiful olive gems and chocolate fountain that resembles his lover's eyes and be filled with joy that he no longer sees everything in gray.