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“So…” he started, eyes looking away. “Where… where were you? What were you doing?”
Karamatsu hesitated, sliding closer to Ichimatsu on their shared futon. They were the only two already laying down, having taken a bath earlier than the rest of their brothers. He had wanted to ask the same question but knew it was best not to push his brother. It had been over a week since they all made it back home, with some changes from their previous lifestyle.
“I was at Chibita’s. He let me stay there while I applied for jobs.” It was better to be honest. If he answered honestly, maybe that meant Ichimatsu would answer honestly as well. “What about you, brother?”
He glanced at Karamatsu’s face before his eyes dodged away again. “I… don’t wanna say.”
Karamatsu reached out, placing his hand on Ichimatsu’s soft cheek. The gesture made his brother shocked enough to turn to him, fear clear in his eyes. “You know I would never judge you. I love you.”
After a moment of silence, Ichimatsu gulped and took a deep breath. His own hand reached up, covering Karamatsu’s. The man looked so gentle - So unlike his public façade of being dark and mysterious. His hand was warm where it rested on his cheek.
“I…” He took another breath, closing his eyes. As if he couldn’t face his brother when he revealed the truth. “I was just out in the streets. I didn’t have any… money or food because I left it for the cats. Who else would feed them if not me? I thought I would have died in some anonymous alley way in some shitty part of the city, alone and cold and… hungry. But it was fine. I didn’t care. I didn’t…” There were tears dripping from his eyes – slow, fat tears – the kind where one just knows that real sadness, real sorrow, had filled the other. “I didn’t wanna die like that. I really didn’t because then… you… I… Jyuushi…”
His tears came out faster, his breathing became erratic. Ichimatsu gripped onto Karamatsu’s hand, crying into his arm. Karamatsu was rolling on the inside. He knew he had to stay calm, for the sake of his brother. But he wasn’t… He was… angry?
Yes, he wanted to make himself better. He wanted to be a person who wasn’t just scum on earth. He wanted to be a person who could take care of the one he loved and make sure they weren’t… Make sure they weren’t alone or cold or hungry.
And he had failed.
Just like he failed at everything.
“I missed you so much,” Ichimatsu muttered between breathes, his tears still flowing. “I missed you so much, you stupid shitty older brother. You didn’t even… you didn’t even care. I was okay with dying because who even cared about me anymore? Everyone left. They all left me. You left me.”
Karamatsu watched his brother cry, his frame shaking. He did notice it before… Ichimatsu wasn’t as chubby as before. If he was alone with no money, it’s very possible then that he would have starved to death. Or frozen to death.
“Ichimatsu.”
He waited for his brother’s body-shaking sobs to settle into small hiccups and sniffles, wiping his face for him. Ichimatsu wasn’t looking at him anymore, but the grip on his hand was as strong as ever.
“I left. Not because of you. Not because I didn’t love you anymore. I left because I wanted to be someone you could depend on. Someone you could be proud of. I wanted to be a person who could work and take care of you. I didn’t think you’d leave before I could come back. I… I hate the thought of you thinking you were unloved and being hungry and cold and alone. I can’t think of anything worse than that. I can’t think of anything worse than losing you.” Karamatsu leaned closer, kissing the cheek that was facing him.
“Do you remember the first time I kissed you?” He asked in a whisper, nuzzling his nose into Ichimatsu’s hair.
“I punched you,” his brother replied, voice hoarse.
“You were so red, I thought you were going to explode. It was so cute.”
“S-Shut up.”
“I knew from that moment I had to be the person to take care of you. There was never any choice for me. I knew. I had loved you for a thousand lifetimes.”
“Now you’re just being stupid.”
“Maybe.” Karamatsu breathed in deeply, inhaling Ichimatsu’s familiar scent. They had slept next to each other for years and he would never get tired of it. Sure, his other brothers were on the other side but if he turned his back on them… All he would see is Ichimatsu.
He loved his brothers… Just not in the same way.
“Did…” Ichimatsu started, turning his face back to him. He was still red. His eyes were red. But the fear was gone. “Did you think about me?”
Karamatsu smiled, his thumb brushing across Ichimatsu’s bottom lip. It was plump. Within the week they returned, Ichimatsu had been eating ravenously every time they sat down for a meal. He had been snacking more often too. It filled him with happiness.
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. You were probably gorging yourself on oden and porno mags, knowing you,” Ichimatsu retorted. Ah, there was that prickly side of him that he loved and knew.
“Well, no porno mags, but I did jack it to the thought of you. I came whenever I would think of myself coming home from working in an office and seeing my pretty little Ichimatsu-wife in nothing but apron, asking if I wanted dinner, a bath, or him.” Karamatsu was about to laugh at the thought when he looked at Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu who was blushing even more than before. “You like that thought, huh?” Karamatsu leaned closer, barely brushing his lips over Ichimatsu’s.
“Shut up, l-like I’d wanna be your housewife…” He muttered, biting Karamatu’s thumb.
“But I could take care of you and all you would have to do is keep being your pretty self,” Karamatsu said, smirking. “You know I would take care of my Karamatsu boy.”
Ichimatsu’s cute, embarrassed expression fell flat. He stopped biting. Even his blush had dissipated. “I can’t fucking believe you just said called me that, Kusomatsu.”
“Eh?”
Ichimatsu let go of his hand, turning his back towards him.
“Ichimatsu, my love, what’s wrong?”
“Fuck off. You ruined the fucking mood, you idiot.”
“Eh? Eh? How? What did I do?”
His brother sighed, but didn’t answer.
“Brother, it’s okay. I like that you’re a Karamatsu boy. You’re my favourite.”
“Shut the fuck up, okay? Our brothers are going to be here soon. You can hear Jyuushimatsu shouting outside.”
“Ichi-“
“Kiss me goodnight.”
“Eh?”
“Before they get here.”
Karamatsu smiled, looking at his Ichimatsu’s blushing face. He was so cute. “Anything for you.” He leaned over and kissed Ichimatsu, biting his lip softly so as not to break skin.
As they pulled away, Ichimatsu whispered, “Next time, take me with you.”
“I love you too,” he replied, laying down next to him.
Ichimatsu kept his back to him but Karamatsu was okay with that. Just having his brother next to him was a comfort he couldn’t find anywhere else. He heard the rest as they opened the door, speaking and laughing loudly. Still, that couldn’t disturb the quiet peace between the two of them. It was Ichimatsu who lay close to him every night and the one he would miss terribly – did miss terribly. It was always Ichimatsu.