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It’s funny how senseless life can feel as we grow older, and love—love changes too. My love story isn’t some grand romance like Cinderella’s or as tragic as Romeo and Juliet’s. No, mine is a lesson wrapped in naivety, a cautionary tale of mistaking devotion for love and mistaking desire for something deeper.
I used to believe love meant standing by someone no matter what, giving them everything, and making sure they were happy, even at the cost of my own. That belief is exactly why I ended up in a complicated entanglement with my boss, a man who took my love for granted.
I met Sailub in college. He was my senior, well-known, wealthy, and undeniably handsome—but he had a temper. He wasn’t a bully, but there was something about him that made people keep their distance. I was no different. I never dared to approach him until one day, when a persistent senior cornered me, pressing for a one-night stand. Just when I thought I’d have to find my own way out, Sailub appeared.
“Stop harassing him,” he had said, his voice cold and commanding. “He’s my boyfriend.”
I had been too stunned to argue, too desperate to escape the situation to question his claim. From that moment on, I found myself orbiting his world. I became his shadow, his assistant, his ever-reliable companion. Somewhere along the way, I fell for him. He was kind to me, in his own way—a gentleman when he wanted to be. He made me feel special, important. I mistook that for love.
But Sailub was a man of contradictions. When I finally found the courage to confess, he had been brutally honest.
“I like you,” he had said. “But I don’t know if it’s in a romantic way.”
He admitted he wanted me physically. He admitted he thought about it often. But love? That was something he didn’t believe in.
“Sorry,” he had said simply, pouring another glass of liquor as if that made it better. “Love isn’t for me.”
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was my desperation to be wanted by him in any way possible, but that night, I gave him everything. My first kiss. My first night. My first heartbreak. I told myself it didn’t matter. That I enjoyed it. That it was enough. And so, our secret arrangement continued.
Was it even a relationship? I wasn’t sure. We were fuck buddies, nothing more. But who cared? I convinced myself I didn’t.
“Ai’Pon! Stop daydreaming! Check the report again. Something’s definitely wrong with the supplies. We might need to visit the warehouse.”
Sailub’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I quickly snapped back to reality. He was standing by his desk, flipping through documents, his brow furrowed in frustration.
I sighed. I hated going to the warehouse. Not because of the chaos or the smell, but because it always meant long hours of extra work. And after the week I had, all I wanted was to go home and sleep.
“Phi, there’s definitely an issue with the supplies,” I admitted, reluctantly.
“Then let’s go check it out,” he said without hesitation, grabbing his coat.
I followed, knowing I had no choice.
📦
The warehouse was buzzing with movement when we arrived, but the manager quickly approached us, his face filled with guilt.
“Khun Sailub, I’m really sorry. The supplies were delayed because we’re short-staffed today,” he explained. “It’s my fault for overlooking it. You can take it out of my salary.”
Sailub sighed but didn’t berate him. Instead, he simply rolled up his sleeves and started helping. Without a word, I followed his lead, packing boxes and moving shipments alongside the workers.
Hours passed. The night stretched on, and by the time we were done, it was well past ten. My body ached with exhaustion, but I refused to show it. The workers had already gone home, leaving only Sailub and me.
“P’Sai, aren’t you going home yet?” I asked, watching him as he wiped down a table.
“I’m just finishing up. Do you want me to drop you off?” he offered, sparing me a glance.
“No need, phi. I’ll go home by myself,” I said as I helped him clean up.
He stilled for a moment, watching me with an unreadable expression. Then, without warning, he reached for me, his fingers tilting my chin up. Before I could react, he kissed me.
It wasn’t like the other times. It was soft. Gentle. Almost…tender.
When he pulled away, I saw something in his eyes I had never seen before. Something warm. Something hesitant.
I smiled despite myself, feeling my cheeks heat up. “All of a sudden?”
“I just wanted to thank you,” he said, his voice softer than usual. “For everything. For always being there. For taking care of things.”
I scoffed lightly. “That’s my job, phi. I’m your assistant. It’s what I’m supposed to do.”
But as I looked into his eyes, I hesitated. Maybe it was just a trick of the dim lighting, but they seemed to shine, twinkling like distant stars. For a fleeting moment, I let myself believe.
Then, he hugged me from behind, his warmth enveloping me.
“Pon…” he murmured against my neck. “Marry me.”
I froze.
I turned in his arms, searching his face for the joke, the punchline but there was none. He was smiling, his dimples showing, his expression sincere—or at least, it seemed to be.
I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, he pulled me close again, capturing my lips in another deep kiss. His hands traced my waist, his touch familiar yet intoxicating.
For a second, I nearly gave in.
But then, I saw it—the flicker of mischief in his gaze. The hunger, the desire. Not love. Never love.
I placed a finger against his lips, stopping him. “Phi…”
His eyes darkened, knowing.
I stepped away, steadying myself. “Right. I forgot to tell you—I already emailed you my resignation letter.”
His expression faltered.
“I don’t want to be fuck buddies anymore, P’Sai. I’m done.”
His lips parted as if to speak, but no words came.
“I can’t keep taking care of you,” I continued, my voice soft but firm. “You don’t believe in love. You’ve always treated me like a joke, using my feelings when it was convenient. And maybe…maybe I did the same.” I smiled bitterly. “Maybe I only loved you because you saved me that day. Maybe I only held on because I wanted to believe I was special to you.”
I reached out, brushing my fingers against his cheek one last time. “But I deserve more than this, phi. I deserve to love and be loved in return.”
Silence stretched between us. He didn’t call me back. He didn’t stop me.
I turned and walked away.
And just like that, it was over.
His feelings never changed, and maybe mine never truly mattered, but then again—how can you teach love to a man who never believed in it?
☀️
A week passed, and I never went back to the company. I didn’t get any notification from Sailub about my resignation, nor did I see him at all. I hadn’t even packed my things from the office. I just wanted to leave and move on.
The week was uneventful until I received a call from Sailub’s phone—only it wasn’t him calling.
“Hello?”
“Hello, krub? Is this P’Pon?” A young man’s voice came through the speaker, sounding both hesitant and polite. I felt a sudden jolt of worry.
“Krub, this is him. Who is this?”
“Oh, I’m Lee Asre, krub. I work at a bar, and I was tasked with making sure Khun Sailub gets home safely, but he told me to bring him to your condo instead. We’re at the lobby, krub.”
I shot up from the couch and ran out, barely noticing that I was wearing mismatched slippers as I rushed out the door.
When I arrived at the lobby, I spotted Sailub sprawled across the guest sofa, eyes half-lidded, his body slack with intoxication. Next to him, a young man patted his shoulder lightly, as if soothing a restless child. My heart clenched at the sight, but I forced myself to remain composed. Sailub wasn’t mine, and I wasn’t his.
Lee stood up as I approached. “Hello, P’Pon. I guess I can leave him with you now? I need to get back to work.”
I nodded, thanking him and slipping a few bills into his hand for the trouble. He left quickly, and I turned my attention to Sailub. I nudged his shoulder gently. “P’Sai…”
His eyelids fluttered open, and for a moment, his unfocused gaze traveled over me. Then he snorted—a genuine, amused laugh. “Haha! My Ponpon truly loves me. He came running to get me without even noticing he wore different slippers!” He hiccupped between chuckles, clearly drunk beyond reason.
I sighed. “P’Sai, why did you drink so much?”
He pouted like a child. “Because my Jummeng left me.”
“Jummeng?” I frowned.
“Ai’Jum! Why did you leave me?” His voice wavered, his expression twisting with sorrow. “Are you going to leave me too? Like my parents?”
I froze.
“But…but…” His arms clumsily wrapped around my waist, his body pressing against me. His voice broke. “I’ll be a good boy, Mom. I promise. I’ll do anything, Dad. Just don’t leave me, please. Why don’t you love me?”
Tears soaked into my shirt as he trembled in my hold. I had never known the full extent of his past, only that he was raised by his grandparents, but now, hearing the raw pain in his voice, I understood.
“P’Sai…” My throat tightened. “Is that why you don’t believe in love?”
His glassy eyes met mine, vulnerability shining through his usual mask. “If Saisai learns to love, will Ponpon not leave him anymore?” His lips trembled in a small pout.
I exhaled softly, brushing his damp hair away from his forehead. “My cute Saisai… if you behave and listen to Ponpon, he will make sure you’ll never be alone again.”
His grip on me tightened as if clinging to hope itself, and for the first time, I felt the weight of what we had—what we might have been, and what we could never be.
☁️
The morning after that drunken night, I thought about talking to him, about cutting my ties with him completely, but when I saw him sleeping so soundly, his face finally free of burdens, I couldn’t bring myself to end things and walk away.
So I stayed.
I cleaned up the mess from his night of drinking, made sure he had water and aspirin on the bedside table, and even cooked a simple meal. It was ridiculous—taking care of a man who had hurt me—but something in my heart refused to let go.
Sailub stirred awake, groaning as he sat up. His eyes landed on me, standing awkwardly in the doorway of my bedroom. “Pon…?”
I forced a small smile. “How’s your head?”
He squinted at me, as if trying to figure out if I was real. “It hurts.”
“Drink the water,” I said, nodding towards the glass beside him.
He obeyed without question, taking slow sips. “You’re here,” he muttered, his voice hoarse.
“I am.” I sighed, crossing my arms. “I was going to leave, but…” My gaze dropped to the floor. “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”
Silence stretched between us. I expected him to scoff or tease me like he usually did, but instead, he just stared.
“You’re always like this,” he whispered. “Too kind for your own good.”
I chuckled bitterly. “Or maybe I’m just a fool.”
He reached for my hand suddenly, hesitating just before his fingers touched mine. “Pon…Last night…Did I say anything?”
I met his eyes. “You called me Jummeng at first,” I said honestly. “Then you begged your parents not to leave you.”
His face paled, and I knew then that he remembered.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he muttered, voice shaking. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.”
“But I did,” I said softly. “And it made me understand you more.”
He clenched his fists, his frustration evident. “Understanding doesn’t change anything.”
“Doesn’t it?” I stepped closer. “You push people away because you’re scared of being abandoned, but P’Sai… not everyone leaves.”
His eyes met mine, conflicted. “Then why did you?”
His words hit me like a storm, full of unspoken pain. My heart ached at the vulnerability in his expression.
“I thought it was what you wanted,” I admitted. “I thought you didn’t need me.”
His lips parted, then closed again. His hesitation made my heart pound in my chest.
Slowly, I reached up, cupping his face. “If I stay, will you let me?”
His breath hitched. “Pon…don’t play with me.”
“I’m not,” I whispered. “I never was.”
For a moment, he just stared at me, and then, as if something inside him finally shattered, he pulled me in.
Our lips met in a slow, desperate kiss—one filled with longing, hesitation, and something deeper than either of us had admitted before. His hands trembled as they cupped my face, holding me as if afraid I would disappear. I melted into him, the warmth of his body seeping into mine, and at that moment, nothing else mattered.
When we finally pulled apart, he rested his forehead against mine. “Pon…I don’t know how to love.”
I smiled, brushing my thumb over his cheek. “Then let’s figure it out together.”