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Why crave something so badly but suffocate in its presence?
Justin stared at his reflection in the mirror of their rented beach house and heaved a sigh. He’s been going back and forth with this internal argument, this paradox of emotions since their trip started. The epiphany kicked in three months ago, and he hasn’t gotten out of this limbo since.
“Jah, we gotta run or else we’ll be washing the dishes!”
Justin heaved another sigh before turning to the direction of the voice that called him.
Josh was standing by the bathroom door with a cocked eyebrow, one hand on his hip, and his colored polo unbuttoned, revealing a lean and toned chest and torso. He smiled upon seeing Justin’s probably frustrated expression, “I don’t mind cleaning after breakfast, but I know you do.”
“Did you have to stand by the door?” Justin asked, raising an eyebrow in response.
Josh just smiled in return. “Did you have to leave the door open?”
With no rebuttal left, the younger closed his eyes and walked towards the door, expecting Josh to step aside and let him through. So imagine his surprise when he felt something bumped his chest as he headed out.
“You okay?” Justin felt the back of a hand brush his cheek. When he opened his eyes, they were met with brown ones full of concern.
It took all of his will not to step back and stagger, but that didn’t mean he didn’t flinch at the contact. Instead, he fiddled with his camera strap and looked away.
“Y-yeah. I just wanted to get to the dining hall as soon as I can.”
Silence ensued.
A beat.
Josh sighed and turned around. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”
For what seemed like the umpteenth time, Justin sighed too.
—
Things weren’t supposed to be that way, but what was Justin supposed to do when Josh confessed to him three months ago?
Was it everything he dreamed it would be? Absolutely. He didn’t ask for much from the universe, just a love that’s safe and sure. After a train of relationships where he got the short end of the stick and gave more than he received, he found the solace and assurance in his friend, Josh. In their friendship, Justin learned that he can be clingy without being asked to take a step back. They would bond over dances and games and quick trips to random food stalls when their schedules allow it. Josh wouldn’t have a lot of cash on hand, but he’d make the effort to ask if he can buy a snack or two for Justin. He would be taken home right before his curfew, and as his mom would put it, the best possible company that Justin could have.
With Josh’s presence in his life, Justin didn’t have to pretend, didn’t have to hide, didn’t have to wonder why he wasn’t enough or when he will ever be. It would have been so easy to fall for this man.
Which was probably why Justin told himself he couldn’t.
“Jah, did you hear me?” Josh’s eyes twinkled in the afternoon light as they sat across each other on a park bench near their training center.
Josh likes me, Justin breathed in his head. He held on that truth like a prayer, like a redemption he didn’t know he needed. But while one part of him started doing somersaults in his brain, the other started running in panic.
He gathered all of his willpower to not run in panic when Josh reached out for his hand.
“I—I’m grateful, Josh. But…but…” the best he could do was sheepishly slide his hand away while turning his gaze to the table, hoping to find the right words to say in the cracks and nooks of the wood.
“I see.”
Justin never heard that tone from his friend before, so he whipped his head to look at Josh, it was like his heart broke into a million more pieces. The twinkle in Josh’s eyes were gone and replaced by a dull shadow, his smile turned from hopeful to something sad yet forced. Justin’s own eyes widened, desperate to save the situation.
“I—I—“
“It’s okay, Jah,” Josh started as he slid his hand back to the side. “Nothing will change, I won’t leave. After all, you’re far too reckless and naive for your own good.”
It was Justin’s turn to pout. “No, I’m not.”
Josh snickered. “No, I’m kidding. But you were so panicked about rejecting me that I needed to lighten the mood and let you know I’m okay.”
Justin paused.
Why are you still so nice to me? He can’t help but ask in silence. Josh had every right to lash out, to shout in his face, to be mad or run away. But no, for all of his selfishness for his company and affection, Josh still put his own feelings below Justin’s.
It was unfair. Justin was unfair.
But he couldn’t do anything about it.
The trip back to Justin’s house was nothing short of awkward. Josh tried to make conversation, still in his attempt to show Justin that “nothing will change”. Little did he know that for Justin, everything already did. And he knows that it was all his fault.
—
The week after that, their group of friends had finalized the details of their beach trip.
“W-why did you put Josh and I in the same room?!” Justin asked while gripping Stell’s shoulders and shaking him. He hadn’t told anyone about what happened the week prior, and it seemed like Josh didn’t either. But why did the universe align itself on the wrong side now?
Stell let himself be shaken, unbothered by the panicked look on Justin’s face. When the latter was done and his arms became free, he smoothened his sleeve and turned to look at their itinerary on his phone.
“Well, Mr. De Dios, would you rather sleep in the same room as someone who sleeps so heavily that only a train whistle can wake him up? What if you wake up scared in the middle of the night?” Stell looked at their other friend, Pablo. “Would you rather sleep in the same room as someone who won’t let you sleep from his random rambles about the placement of man in the universe?”
Pablo stood up in retailiation. “Wha—hey, I don’t do that!”
“Yeah, you do. Dummy,” Stell replied, rolling his eyes before turning back to Justin.
“Besides, we’ve gone through the itinerary before. And haven’t you always wanted to sleep with Josh?”
Justin’s mouth couldn’t hang low enough.
“Hey!”
A quiet laugh came from behind him. Justin turned to find an amused Josh, whose eyes remained on his phone but apparently all ears in the conversation of his friends. “Come on, Stell. Stop teasing Jah so much. And don’t give any false claims, you might be breaking someone’s pride over here.”
In his peripheral vision, Justin saw Stell look from Josh to him and back to Josh again. Then, he shrugged and went back to his phone. “Fine. But the room assignments stay as is.”
Justin hid a groan.
Later that day as the group prepared to part ways, Josh approached a troubled Justin.
“Don’t worry about the room assignments anymore, Jah. I’ll just book a separate room for myself,” Josh said with that same sad smile as the week ago.
Again, Justin started to panic. He didn’t want to see that smile on Josh’s, but he couldn’t bring himself to take back everything he said (or didn’t say) back then.
“N-no! I…I’m okay with us in…in the same room.”
Josh looked up at him, concern filling his whole face. “Are you sure?”
If Justin was being honest, no he wasn’t sure about the rooms. But he was sure of one thing: he didn’t want Josh to wear that smile anymore.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“You don’t have to try so hard, you know,” Josh murmured while walking away.
“What do you mean?” Justin asked.
Josh turned back to him one more time before smiling so beautifully that Justin’s heart ached. “I said nothing will change, and that’s exactly what it is. The more you try hard to notice my feelings, the more hurt you’ll be. So just don’t.”
Why his smile was so heartbreakingly beautiful but his words were just heartbreaking, Justin mulled over the answer for the next couple of months.
—
“1, 2, 3, cheese! Alright, thank you bros, thank you bros,” the local who took their group photo announced once he took the shot and handed the camera back to Justin.
When he checked out the photo, he couldn’t help but feel a swirl of emotions. Stell and Pablo stood happily side by side, arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Their other friends were huddled happily on the other side. Justin stood at the center of the photo, knees slightly bent so the people behind him could be seen. His hands cupped Josh’s shoulders, who sat coolly on the ground in front of him.
His eyes would have been so pretty in this shot, damn those shades. I told him to—
Justin stopped his train of thought, realizing that he started to sound like a nagging boyfriend. Which he wasn’t. By his own choice.
He wanted to kick his own shin in frustration.
The months leading up to their much-awaited trip were…vexing, to say the least. Justin looked back on how he kept Josh at arm’s length, wanting to hang out with him but never taking that step forward. He would message Josh at random times, sometimes even the middle of the night, letting himself be spoiled by his friend’s kindness and tendency to baby him. He reveled in all of it, but at the same time he told Josh over and over again that he can’t, he doesn’t need it.
Josh took all of that with the patience of a saint. He respected Justin’s boundaries, yet indulging the younger’s requests. He was near when he’s needed and steps back when he’s being pushed away. And he’d come back when he’s needed again.
All that frustrated Justin even more.
He stared at Josh’s back as the latter walked toward the shore, the sides of his unbuttoned polo shirt flowing gently in the ocean wind. He continued to watch as Josh paused at the edge of the shore, right before the ends of the water touch his toes, and sat on a sandy mound.
Justin took a deep breath and followed.
—
“Hey, what’s up?” Josh smiled as he watched Justin look at the spot next to him, obviously hesitating to sit down.
“Uhm…can I sit here?”
The sitting man chuckled. “If your ass can stand the warm sand, sure you can.”
Justin rolled his eyes before sitting beside Josh. The sand, as it turned out, was very warm. So Justin realized he wasn’t being trolled; Josh was genuinely concerned that he might get sandburned.
Damn it.
Silence stretched as wide as the sea before them.
“You know,” Josh started while looking at the horizon, smiling vaguely. “I was supposed to back out of this trip.”
Justin didn’t know that, he didn’t know it would also anger him. “What? Why?!”
Josh looked at him, half-surprised and half-amused at Justin’s reaction. “Because you were looking forward to it, and I didn’t want to spoil your fun.”
“What do you—“
“But I wanted to try, anyway, you know? I wanted to take this time anyway. To…improve myself.”
Justin didn’t expect that. He wanted to interrupt, but he knew better and kept shut. Josh seemed to sense his hesitation and appreciated that he didn’t.
“The past few months, I’ve been agonizing about what makes you run from me. Not physically, because we both know I can outrun you in a heartbeat,” Josh smiled at Justin’s pout at the comment. “If you were so self-sufficient as you claim you are, you wouldn’t call me in the middle of the night, would you? If you can find another company right away, you wouldn’t insist to hang out with me even when we do nothing. I wanted to know what is it about all this is making you so damn hesitant to tell me you like me too.”
Justin didn’t know if he breathed.
So Josh knew. Josh knew that it wasn’t because Justin liked someone else, it wasn’t because he doesn’t like him. Justin wished Josh also knew what the answer is, because he didn’t. He still doesn’t.
Justin wanted to fall in love. And fall in love with Josh. He wanted to stop running and just be comforted in the love presented to him on a silver platter. Was it because he wasn’t healed from the trauma of his previous relationships? Was it because he was scared that things would fall apart with Josh if he took that hand that was extended just for him? Was it because he didn’t trust himself enough that he wouldn’t panic through all of whatever they will have?
“You know I’m batshit scared of the sea, right?” Josh asked, still staring out on the horizon.
Justin only nodded, unsure of why the conversation took a weird turn.
“I read a book that said when one overcomes something they fear physically, it gives them the fortitude for something they fear mentally.” Josh paused, letting the words sink in between them. He wrapped his arms around his knees, making himself smaller. He then continued, “I wanted to overcome my fear of the sea, so I can overcome my fear of not knowing why I wasn’t good enough for you.”
He smiled that smile at Justin.
It was only then that Justin understood why that smile irritated him so much.
It was a smile of defeat. Josh felt that he wasn’t good enough for Justin, felt that he had the shortcomings, he needed to improve, which was why Justin didn’t accept his feelings at the time. All the while, here Justin was, frustrated at how Josh was patient throughout all this and at the same time frustrated because he thought the other way around.
Enough.
Justin had enough.
He couldn’t look at Josh’s expression when he laid his head on the man’s shoulder. Not that he would want to, since he had his own expression to worry about.
“I…I like you too. More than you know, and definitely more than I would care to admit,” Justin began, and he felt the shoulder he was laying his head on stiffen in response. “But, I don’t know why I’m scared. I wanted to just say ‘yes’ to you, because it would’ve been so easy and sure. I wish I know why I’m hesitating, so I can let go of it the way you’re letting go of your own fears.”
Justin closed his eyes, unable to continue. He then felt Josh’s arm wrap around his head, comforting him.
It’s gonna be okay.
“I know I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length. It’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry.”
Josh began to shift and turn to Justin. “Hey, it’s—“
“Let me finish,” Justin whispered, stopping Josh from moving. He wasn’t ready to let go of this moment yet and face him.
Ever the patient one, Josh obliged and stayed put.
The thought made Justin smile, a little braver this time. “I wanna do things right by you, not because I felt sorry and I want to make up for my shitty behavior. But because you deserve it and I want you to fall for me as easily as I did for you.”
If Justin felt warm from the scorching sun upon them, he definitely felt like bursting into flames from that confession.
Silence.
The silence stretched on again.
With no response from his companion, Justin grew worried. He lifted his head and looked at the man beside him. “J-Josh?”
Josh, apparently, was blushing as hard as Justin knew he was, if not harder.
“You’re not allowed to outdo me like that, sheesh,” Josh muttered under his breath.
For some reason, all the tension and the aftermath made Justin bubbled in laughter. A little later, he was laughing so hard he was crying.
“W-what are you laughing at me for?!” Josh shouted while sporting a rather adorable pout. With the bout of laughter fading into a giggle, Justin wiped the tears from his face and pinched Josh’s cheeks the widest they could go.
“I was tense, dumdum. Can you imagine the anxiety I’ve had the previous months because of this? Of us?”
Josh’s eyes widened in shock. “Ush?”
“Yes, us,” the younger man smiled, “Dumdum.”
To his suprise, Josh placed his hands on top of Justin’s that were pinching his cheeks, smiling. “Ush ish a nicesh word.”
What a cute lover to have, Justin thought while stretching Josh’s cheeks wider.
“O-ow! Ow! Jah—“
“Come on, Lolo Josh,” Justin let go of his lover’s—he was still giddy letting the word sink in—cheeks and grabbed his hand. “I’ll teach you how to swim. You still need to overcome that physical fear, right?”
Josh beamed at him. “What about your fear?”
Justin thought carefully about it. He may still have that mental fear somewhere in there, but with the warmest, surest, safest hand wrapped around his, he knew he’d have the bravery to overcome that fear too.