Work Text:
The sun hung low in the autumn sky, casting a golden glow over the ranch as Beth stood on the porch of their new home, arms crossed loosely over her chest. The crisp air filled her lungs with the scent of pine and earth, but her thoughts were miles away from the beauty surrounding her. Her gaze remained fixed on Rip, standing just a few yards away by the fence. His broad frame a dark silhouette against the sun, and despite the distance, Beth couldn’t help but fall even further in love with him.
She watched as he spoke with the neighbour, a man far older than Rip, with weathered skin and a thin frame—someone who had clearly been marked by the hardships of life. Beth’s focus shifted to the man’s granddaughter, a wild-haired girl of about six, whose name she couldn’t recall. She watched, her heart tightening, as the girl clung to Rip, who effortlessly scooped her into his arms.
The sight was both beautiful and painful. Rip held the girl’s hand gently, guiding her toward the majestic horse that had captured the little girl’s imagination. Beth saw her face light up with joy, her laughter carried on the breeze, while Rip encouraged her further until the girl was seated on the horse, grinning from ear to ear in a way that could rival the sun itself. His presence was so tender, so patient, as he guided her with ease.
Beth’s throat constricted painfully, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her as she watched him knowing she couldn’t give him that and though her life with Rip and Carter was full of love and happiness, the scars of the past lingered, haunting her thoughts. Her heart splintered as she observed him pouring his time and attention into the girl, who looked at him with such trust and admiration.
The air seemed to grow heavier around her, as if the weight of her unspoken thoughts pressed down on her chest, making it hard to breathe. Rip had never asked for children, never pushed her for something she couldn’t give him, but it was impossible to miss the longing in the way his hands lingered on the girl’s shoulders, or the quiet, affectionate way he looked at her. Beth closed her eyes, steadying herself. When she opened them again, Rip had stood up, lifting the girl effortlessly back into his arms as he continued chatting with the neighbour, his easy smile never fading. Not wanting to be seen, Beth pushed the ache deep down and forced a smile of her own just as Carter stepped out beside her.
Carter, had a way of filling the spaces in their life that had long been empty his presence both healed and reminded Beth of what she couldn’t give Rip—yet so much of Carter was Rip. So much of him mirrored the essence of the man she loved, as though Carter truly were their child.
“He can be a softy,” Carter whispered, not lingering as he made his way past her toward the barn.
Beth’s heart clenched at his words, because she knew, deep down, that if Rip were ever given the chance, he would be the biggest softy of all for their child.
Beth watched Carter walk away, the weight of guilt pulling her down as she retreated inside. Her legs trembled, supporting her against the kitchen counter, tears threatening to spill. She blinked them back furiously, telling herself she didn’t deserve to cry. She had made her choice, and it was those very choices that had stolen children from Rip.
“Hey, beautiful.” Rip’s voice echoed through the house, as sweet as treacle—soothing, like something Beth could wade through for the rest of her life.
“I said I’d give Ella riding lessons,” Rip continued, unaware of the battle raging behind her eyes.
Beth turned around, inhaling a shaky breath as she forced the same smile she had been wearing for years, an armor to shield the broken fourteen-year-old still trapped inside her. “Ella will love that,” she whispered, and somehow, saying the girl’s name only deepened the ache in her heart.
The smile faltered as Rip pulled her into a hug, his arms enveloping her, offering the safety of his chest. Beth inhaled sharply, trying to hold herself together as she buried her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. She pressed her face into the curve of his neck, stretching onto her tiptoes to breathe in the scent that was uniquely his—comforting and familiar.
“I have to go into town. Get some work from the office,” she murmured into his neck, hoping the lie wouldn’t be too obvious.
Her new office was rarely used—just a small, rented space for meetings, of which there were very few but it provided a little space for her to escape in her work.
***
Beth sat in the quiet of her office, her gaze drifting out the window, where the long, winding road stretched out before her. It seemed to vanish into the distance, winding its way toward the home she’d left behind only thirty minutes ago. The same road that led to her boys. Her heart tightened with every passing second, each beat a reminder of the distance between them, even though it was only a short drive away.
The office felt foreign. The walls, the desk, the sterile quietness—it was all a far cry from the chaos of home, the way the boys’ voices echoed through the rooms, or the way Rip’s steady presence made the place feel full of life. Here, everything was still. A part of her longed to turn around, to leave the emptiness behind and return to the warmth and love waiting for her, just down the road.
But something about today stopped her from going home for dinner, stopped her from sitting at the table with her family.
***
The house was eerily silent when Beth returned—too silent. The only light in the room came from the crackling fire and a single small lamp. Rip sat on the couch, a whiskey in his hand, the air heavy with unspoken tension. Beth could feel it, thick and suffocating, putting her on edge as she watched him. The last time she had seen him like this was after her father’s death, when grief had twisted him up so bad she had to coax him out of it.
“Hey, baby,” she called softly as she set her bag down and kicked off her boots.
The only response was the shuffle of couch cushions as Rip leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. She knew, in that moment, that whatever was about to happen wouldn’t be good.
"Where’s Carter?" she asked, her voice quiet, as if seeking refuge in the boy’s presence. The answer came as a sharp nod toward the stairs and a gruff, "In his room, where he will stay."
Beth’s heart sank wondering if Carter had messed up somehow, but as she rounded the couch and met Rip’s eyes, something stopped her. There was a darkness there—a depth of pain in his blue eyes that she had never seen before. Those eyes, once so bright, now seemed clouded with hurt. And in that moment, she realized: whatever regret she had been harboring all day was no longer her own. It was out in the open.
Rip didn’t need to say it; she already knew. She knew that Carter had shared their tack room conversation, their conversation where she used her own pain to bond with the boy. And now, the secret she had desperately hoped would stay buried had slipped out right into the hands of the one person Beth never wanted to find out.
The hurt in Rip’s eyes was so raw, so intense, that she felt as if her heart might actually break. She had known this was coming one day but seeing it was another thing entirely.
Still, she asked, even though she was sure of the answer. "How do you know?"
Rip’s eyes flickered back toward the stairs, the unspoken answer hanging heavy between them. All Beth could do was nod in understanding as she poured herself a whiskey—though she wasn’t sure she even wanted it anymore.
She sank into the chair across from him, maintaining a distance they hadn’t had in years. And if it was possible, her heart broke a little more.
The room remained quiet for a long while, long enough for Beth to finish her drink except she didn’t touch it. The glass remained in her hand in a tight grip still full as she stared into the amber liquid waiting for Rip to ask her a question. She could see his eyes avoiding her, his jaw clenching, tightening as his jaw gurned with unwanted tension.
“When were you pregnant Beth?” He asked, voice both gruff and vulnerable as he looked through her and she realised in that moment that she was about to hurt him further, that he hadn’t considered the possibility that their pregnancy scare at fourteen was in fact the moment she carried his baby. That there was no other time and she wondered if there had been another time, when they were a little older and she had told him nothing if that would have been an easier pill to swallow than the fact she lied to his face.
She wants to run, to jump in her car and fly down their dirt track drive onto the open main road. She wants to run and not face the pain and fall into old habits, but the love for her husband stoped her from going, keeping her firmly planted on the chair opposite him because he deserved an explanation even though shes more focused on her whiskey and the way the amber liquid ripples in her shaky hand than she is in telling him the truth.
Rip asks her once more, harsher than before “Beth, when were you pregnant?”
His questions only lingers in the air for a few seconds before her eyes meet his and she finds her voice “When we were fourteen”
A realisation washes over Rip and Beth thinks she might be sick as she waits for Rip to throw his glass in the fire but instead he stands tall, downing the liquid that remains in his glass, sucking the remnants from his teeth as he heads to the drinks trolley, filling his glass to the brim as though the burn will kill the pain he is feeling.
He’s quiet and unmoving, his back to her as she looks at the tension in his broad shoulders. She’s planning what to do next, what’s best for both Rip and Carter because she doesn’t believe theres any coming back from this and she loves them both and never wants her lie to come between them so she sits silently, working out in her head a plan, a plan to sit and listen to Rip yelling, to sit and let him get out all the hurt and anger inside him while she takes it because to her she deserves it and although he’s angry and can barley look her in the eye he won’t tell her to leave because he knows she paid for their house, that she pays for so much because she earns so much more than him and he knows he can’t out buy her and he would never tell her to leave her home but this is his home too and she doesn’t care whose money brought it so she plans to listen to him yell and then pack her bags, before kissing Carter goodbye, just so she can hug him once last time and savour the joy of being his mama because deep down she knows that’s what she is and it’s because of that she will leave, leave their little house and drive off into the night to the nearest hotel where she can drown herself in alcohol that’ll numb the pain for a while. She will leave them the house, the ranch and not ask for a dime because her boys deserve it more than she does. Because her boys are her greatest joy and she refuses to take away their home. She thinks it through in her head until it’s all planned out, she thinks about moving back to salt lake, buying up a little apartment, somewhere near a bar where she can spend her evenings forgetting the hurt she’s caused, where she can sink whiskey like water and smoke until her lungs burn because maybe this world would be better off without her in it.
It’s only when Rip shouts her name that she realises hes talking to her and that the plan shes hatched in her mind is interrupted with a question she doesn’t know the answer to.
“Why did you lie to me?”
She knows exactly why she lied but somehow it doesn’t seem a viable option for her response because her reason for lying was both shame and guilt but ultimately fear. A fear that telling him the truth would get him hurt, kicked off the ranch because her daddy back then was not a man to anger, not a man she could disappoint but that man was not the same man they buried only a few months ago. That man loved them both, wanted only the best for them and approved of their love. That man would have been proud to see them have babies and Beth knew that from the reaction he had when he finally found out the truth. He told her she wouldn’t have been in trouble, she shouldn’t have felt shame but her daddy didn’t understand that he was a different man then but despite that the man they buried six feet under is the one Rip remembers, the one Rip idolised and Beth knew telling him her reasoning wouldn’t be enough because the man buried in that dirt wouldn’t have hurt either of them.
“Beth, why did you lie?”
This time he’s pleading, on his Knee’s in front of her, begging her to explain and the hurt in his eyes forces a sob from her lips but before he can grab her hand she’s up and walking across the room, her untouched whiskey still in her hand.
“My answer is never going to be enough” she says heart pounding in her chest as she stares at the wall, afraid to turn and face him.
“Let me decide that”
His voice is broken and brittle and she can feel his hurt in the pit of her stomach and it almost makes her gag.
“I thought he would kill you” she says, voice cracking on each word as she turns her head ever so slightly, eyes not meeting Rips but the picture of her father that sits above the fire and it’s only after a minutes silence that she turns to see Rips eyes meeting the picture of her father also and she sees his shoulders sag as though he understands the fear she may have felt and for a moment she’s encouraged that maybe he will understand her reasoning, that maybe she can explain herself enough to not end their marriage not speaking because even if he does understand she convinced herself this is over, that her bags will still be packed and the ring that sits on her left finger will be silently placed on the kitchen counter as she heads for the door.
“You had an abortion?” He states rather than asks, because at this point it seems obvious she didn’t miscarry that she made a choice and she wonders if he’s finally realised what the faint scar across her belly is a result of.
“Yes” she practically choked as she grips her now very warm glass even tighter.
She watches as Rip nods in confirmation and paces to the other side of the room near their perfectly sized dining table that’s perfect for a happy family and she can’t help but squeeze her eyes shut as an image of the family she wished she could give him sits around the table.
“What was Jamie’s involvement?” He asks, turning back to look at her with his arms folded across his chest, his whiskey glass now sat almost empty on the table. She never mentioned Jamie, never told him why she hated him, why she stole his last breath but as she stared back into the eyes of the only man she had ever truly loved she realised all the snippets of information, all the crazed decisions she had made over the years were now falling into place in his mind , that he had pieced together that the hate she held for her brother stemmed from something big and what could be bigger than this.
“I went to him for help” she admitted, bile rising in her throat at the biggest regret in her life was voiced. “I asked him…for help” she repeated, her voice a little louder as her anger towards him rose.
She watched as Rip took it in, watched his mind flicker through the details before he turned his back to her once more, his hand reaching for the remainder of his whiskey as he swallowed it with an audible gulp and turned to pace towards her, his steps wide and hard against the wooden flooring as he stopped next to her, the drinks trolley in front of him as he poured himself yet another whiskey, smaller this time.
He didn’t look at her though, despite their bodies now being inches apart, close enough to feel the heat radiating from the other, his eyes remind on the fresh drink he had just poured.
“Why can’t you have children Beth?”
His voice was softer, gentler and Beth thought she might collapse right beside him.
She heard his question, felt the pain because to her it wasn’t just what Jamie took from her but what she took from Rip and she couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the guilt and so she pushed off the drinks trolley and moved across the room, her turn to now settle against the family dining table, her fingers grazing the wood as she replayed their last dinner there, the night before when she made her boys spaghetti and laughed as they fought over the last slice of garlic bread and she wondered what their nights would look like when she’s gone. Wondered if they would still sit together and talk about their days or whether the pain she had caused would make dinners uncomfortable, a false sense of family just like she had growing up. Her heart beat a little faster at the prospect of ruining their future dinners and she had to hold her chest as she steadied her breathing, her other hand gripping the back of a chair until her knuckles grew white.
“Beth?” The tone in his voice was gentle and she knew he wasn’t pushing her on his previous question, knew he was quietly asking if she was okay and that only broke her heart further because she didn’t deserve his concern, she deserved his anger.
“I…” she stuttered, unable to form a sentence as she blinked back tears and fought the growing urge to run outside and puff on a cigarette to calm herself.
“Why can’t you have children Beth?” He asked again and she knew she couldn’t stall much longer, knew that she would have to answer that question tonight, not matter how much it hurt.
She sniffed back a sob, her breath shaking as she turned to face him, surprised to find him much closer to her now and she couldn’t contain the next sob as she choked it out and let the tears fall. This was it, this was the truth and she knew once she said it she would have minutes to pack her bag and leave and this might be the last time she got to stare into his sun kissed face, his crystal blue eyes. So she selfishly took a moment to take him in, to memorise every inch of his face, every crease of his skin, every hair in his beard. She silently and simultaneously thanked him and apologised, hoping he could read her thoughts through her eyes as she tearfully bowed her head in silent goodbye.
“He said no one could know…he told me a local clinic would know my name, said dad would find out and it would shame the family. So he took me to the reservation, to a clinic out there. He went inside to arrange it, he told me it was okay and I…” a wave of nausea hit her as she thought of that moment, sat in his truck, frightened and ashamed as she put all her trust into him. “I trusted him”
“What did he do Beth?” Rip asked, inching a step closer to her that had her breath hitching.
She swallowed hard, the lump in her throat not budging as she felt her chest tighten and breathing becoming laboured. “He agreed for them to give me a hysterectomy”
The fire died out as remnants of wood cracked under the last moment of heat, a sudden chill filling the house as no sound could be heard except the shuddered breathes between them.
Minutes passed and yet they felt like hours, neither one speaking as Rip eventually stepped back, turning to take a seat on the couch, his whiskey still sat in his glass that remained tightly in his grip. Beth waited for him to launch the crystal into the now burnt out fire but he didn’t, his body frozen in his spot staring into nothing.
She felt sick and dazed like she wasn’t sure if the past hour had happened but somehow she eventually found her feet and quietly made her way up the stairs, walking through to their bedroom and the closet in the far corner. She felt numb as she pulled a bag out, stuffing clothing into it in bunched up heaps before grabbing her wash bag.
She had only a fraction of her belongings but she had to get out, had to leave the house before she fell apart completely and so she forced her feet to move, taking one step in front of the other pausing on the top landing for a second as she looked longingly at Carters bedroom door. She wanted to say goodbye, to kiss him and hug him and tell him she was sorry but she couldn’t bring herself to knock as she swallowed another sob and crept down the stairs, stopping at the bottom as her eyes fell to Rip, still sat on the couch with his whiskey in hand. She wasn’t sure if he heard her as she slowly walked towards him, her fingers on her right hand twisting the wedding ring on her left as she removed it completely, taking one last glance at the band that meant so much to her.
“I never deserved this” she whispered as she lent forward and placed her wedding ring on the oak coffee table her eyes blurred with tears as she turned to walk away for the last time.
“Where are you going?”
It wasn’t his voice that stopped her but the gentle grip his fingers had on her wrist as she looked down, his hand sliding from her wrist to her hand, holding it gently in his as his eyes peered up at her.
“You and Carter can have the house…I won’t come back, I promise”
She watched his eyes flicker, unable to read him as his hand slipped from hers and although she planned to walk away, her eyes followed his movements as he lifted up the wedding band she placed on the table before he slipped it back onto her finger.
“Don’t ever take that off again Beth