Work Text:
A tense silence took over their little village. What probably was a minute felt like an endless hour of silence as everyone present exchanged conflicted looks with each other, taking note of everything around them. The newcomer, just introduced as Hannah, stood out from the rest, with Shauna still holding her tightly in place. Melissa, still bleeding and looking like she just had the worst night of her life, was also a point of interest. But it was hard for everyone to look away from Lottie, standing in the middle of the camp, all covered in blood.
Natalie was the first one to dare to break the silence. She cleared her throat, moved closer to leave the first aid kit on the ground in front of Melissa, and then addressed everyone else.
“Okay, so… I think we could all use a moment to rest and, fuck, I don’t know, calm down,” Natalie said. The adrenaline of the previous night finally ran out, and she could tell everyone was beyond exhausted. Then, remembering recent changes in their dynamic, she shook her head and turned around to face their new leader. “Right, Shauna?” she asked, not purposefully making it sound as bitter as it came out.
“What?!” Shauna blurted out. It took a second, and she looked mildly annoyed about it, but she remembered her place and groaned. “Right. Tai, Van, can you handle…” she said, and nodded her head at the woman who probably had new bruises on her arms in the shape of Shauna’s fingers.
“Of course,” Taissa said, moving forward to take her from Shauna, much more gently.
“Sure,” Van agreed. “Hey, I’m Van,” she added quietly as they started moving away from the center of the camp.
Next, Shauna’s eyes landed on the little group of Melissa, Gen, and Mari. She addressed the last two when she said, “Take Melissa to my shelter, and… Where the fuck is Misty? Nat, can you…”
“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Natalie said, already turning around, ready to go right back out on another mission. “I’ll go get Misty… And Akilah and Travis. And the new guy. Fuck.”
Before everyone was completely out of ear shot, Shauna finally focused on Lottie and simply said, “Lottie can you just fucking go clean yourself up?”
“What?” Lottie mumbled.
The half-a-dozen eyes on her barely registered, and Shauna’s order didn’t even make much sense. But she could tell she was in trouble, and Shauna’s eyes warned her that she was on the precipice of making things worse.
Fortunately, there was a well-timed hand on Lottie’s arm, and a gentle voice cutting through the tension rising all around them.
“I got it,” Laura Lee said, stepping forward and then right in front of Lottie to get her to meet her familiar blue eyes. “Lottie, want to come with me?”
Lottie, feeling just a little anchored to something, to someone , followed Laura Lee without a word of complaint. Laura Lee’s hand moved slowly from Lottie’s upper arm down to her hand, and she intertwined their fingers. Lottie focused on the pressure of Laura Lee’s fingers between hers and nothing else. It was a familiar routine. No matter how many times Laura Lee gently pulled her away from a hard moment, when the blonde looked over her shoulder, smiling softly, Lottie always remembered that first day at the lake. The comforting memory was enough to make some of the tension leave her shoulders.
Still, when they reached the makeshift shelter the two of them had shared for months, Lottie pulled them to a stop. She looked all around them, not really focusing on their friends scattered around performing various tasks, but studying the woods around their village, looking for threats.
“I don’t think we’re safe yet,” Lottie said. “They’re going to come back, and they’re going to ruin everything.”
Laura Lee followed Lottie, and slowly eyed the perimeter of their camp. At the end, she looked up at Lottie and held her hand just a little tighter.
“I don’t know, Lottie,” Laura Lee said.
Deep down, she wanted to go back home, desperately. But there was a part of her that agreed with Lottie. In a way, rescue would be an interruption against everything they had together. Most importantly, if strangers made Lottie act that way, in that moment, Laura Lee would’ve preferred for the whole world to leave them alone and let Lottie recover in peace. So, as usual, she focused on what little she could actually offer Lottie.
“But hey, look,” Laura Lee added, and gently pulled Lottie closer to their shelter. “We can be safe here for a bit, okay? I promise.”
Lottie nodded, but gave one last look at the woods around them before finally stepping into the little shelter.
“There’s something wrong,” Lottie said softly. She shook her head, as if she were trying and failing to put a puzzle together. “Everyone’s mad at me again, and I don’t know why.”
“You don’t?” Laura Lee wondered under her breath, just quiet enough for Lottie to miss it.
They both sat down in the center of their little home in the wilderness. It had an opposite effect on the two girls. Although she still looked upset, Lottie was starting to relax. Laura Lee, on the other hand, felt her worry increase. Her priority had been to take Lottie away from the eye of the storm, but now she had time to think about everything that happened, everything Lottie just did, and now seemingly forgot.
“They look angry, and scared,” Lottie insisted, frowning as she stared at her lap.
“I know,” Laura Lee confirmed, sadly. With every passing month they spent in that wretched place, she could agree less and less with things Lottie so confidently stated. So, even when it was unpleasant, if she could genuinely agree with Lottie, she took her chance.
“You don’t,” Lottie said, looking up and really focusing on Laura Lee now. “You aren’t mad at me, are you? You aren’t scared, right?”
Usually, Laura Lee thrived when she felt Lottie’s attention so deliberately on her. But Lottie’s stare was so intense that it made Laura Lee shiver.
“I’m not,” Laura Lee answered with a firm voice. But she answered quickly, because she was afraid of changing her mind.
She looked Lottie right in the eye when she answered, but she moved away right after. She crawled toward a corner of their shelter, where they had some water stored. Laura Lee busied herself filling a cup with water and finding a rag she could use to clean Lottie’s mess. She moved slowly though. She needed the time to think.
Laura Lee had never been afraid of Lottie before. She was afraid for Lottie, a lifetime ago, when that seance went wrong in the attic of the cabin, when Shauna nearly killed her, when she got lost all alone in the middle of winter. She was amazed every time one of Lottie’s visions turned out to be true. She was stunned when Lottie single-handedly killed a bear, astonished when she conjured dead birds to their doorstep, and nervous but hopeful with every pilgrimage Lottie made to the caves. But never, not for one second, had Laura Lee feared that Lottie would ever hurt someone else.
Just a few hours ago, Lottie had struck an axe on the back of the head of an innocent man.
The memory made Laura Lee’s hands shake. She dropped the cup of water to the ground and had to start over again, hoping Lottie wouldn’t notice her distress.
It wouldn’t be easy to adjust the vision of Lottie that Laura Lee had in her mind to include these new facts, these new things that Lottie was capable of. Still, Laura Lee thought this didn’t mean that Lottie did it on purpose. If she did, it still didn’t have to mean that she would hurt any of them, that she would ever harm Laura Lee. And even if it did… Well, maybe then that meant it was up to Laura Lee to offer her even more grace.
Laura Lee didn’t know all the answers. She couldn’t figure out what all of this meant, or how she should deal with it. The one thing that Laura Lee was able to decide at the moment was that it would take a lot of time to understand it all, and she had no hopes of finding an answer within seconds, so she could shift her focus elsewhere for the time being.
Maybe she was just scared of thinking too much about Lottie’s actions and coming to an unpleasant conclusion. Either way, at that moment, Lottie needed her. And in their time in the wilderness, Laura Lee had failed and sinned and abandoned many things she used to consider sacred. But she still remembered a thing or two about helping others when they needed it most.
So, Laura Lee returned to the center of their shelter and sat down cross-legged in front of Lottie. She placed a bowl of water between them and grasped a piece of cloth in her hand.
“Do you want to talk?” she asked Lottie, putting on a smile over the worries clouding her mind and rattling her heart.
“I don’t think we can fix this,” Lottie answered.
She was frowning in a way that Laura Lee couldn’t help but find endearing, despite the blood staining all her pretty face.
“Maybe not everything, not right now,” Laura Lee answered, realizing just in time to catch Lottie flinching that she might have been overdoing her forced cheerfulness. She stopped to clear her throat and recalibrate her tone. When she spoke up again, Laura Lee found comfort in speaking softly with the intimate tone that she usually used with Lottie, not because Lottie needed it, but because that was who they were. “I can help you with this, though. You have a little something…”
Laura Lee couldn’t bring herself to say it, and she doubted Lottie would want to hear it, so she just gestured at her own face with a finger, as if pointing out to Lottie that she had just a little ketchup on the edge of her mouth.
As if following Laura Lee’s lead, Lottie just nodded and shuffled a little closer to the other girl. Then she waited. She had to, because Laura Lee was suddenly hesitating.
She always did, when she was about to touch Lottie a certain way. It happened more and more often as time passed, as their relationship progressed, as Lottie’s sanctity increased in Laura Lee’s eyes. From the ease of holding her hand the first time she led her into the lake, to the reverence of washing her body with warm water after Lottie nearly froze in the middle of the woods.
She considered Lottie her best friend, and in moments when she was as broken as she was in that moment, Laura Lee could forget about the power Lottie had. But one second of hesitation was enough to bring back with full force the memories of every vision that came true, every miracle brought forward, and every confirmation that Lottie was in contact with something bigger than all of them. Lottie was touched by the Holy Spirit, Laura Lee believed that, and she also believed she was lucky to even get to touch her.
So, Laura Lee paused for a moment. She mumbled a prayer under her breath, not exactly one that she remembered from church, but something inspired by Lottie herself. She admired the way Lottie looked in that moment, the early morning sun bathing her in a golden light, blood still staining her beautiful face like Jesus on the cross.
Finally, Laura Lee took a deep, steadying breath, hoping to slow down her suddenly erratic heart and scandalous thoughts and impulses. Then she leaned forward to start cleaning Lottie’s face.
Laura Lee worked with extreme gentleness and no trace of hurry. For this, Lottie was grateful. The soft fingertips on her chin to hold her in place made her feel stable and controlled. The soft but constant caress of the wet cloth against her cheek was oddly soothing. And as it often happened, when she intently focused on Laura Lee’s pretty face, she managed to forget about most things that troubled her. Even the recently restored whispers of the wilderness seemed to quiet down when Lottie looked at Laura Lee.
Eventually, she listened to Laura Lee's previous suggestion. She talked about it.
“Everything I do… I’m doing it to please It,” Lottie explained. Encouraged by a nod and thoughtful hum from Laura Lee, she continued. “If only I can keep the Wilderness happy with us, it will protect us. I just want all of us to be safe.”
“I know, Lottie,” Laura Lee said, and offered her a smile.
Laura Lee had no doubt about Lottie telling the truth of what she believed. Was she right? Was that the actual truth outside of Lottie’s mind? That was the arguable point. It was complicated, as any debate between faith and objective truth always was. But Laura Lee had always known where she stood on that argument.
She remembered that only Lottie’s vision kept her from getting on that damn plane that caught fire the next time she so much as tried to turn it on. She remembered Lottie’s visions warning them against dangers time and time again, even if the others didn’t listen, even if they paid the price for it. In Laura Lee’s mind, Lottie was already a savior.
“I heard it so clearly last night,” Lottie said, and complied by turning her head to the side when Laura Lee’s fingers guided her. “It’s finally back and talking to me. Didn’t you hear it?”
That made Laura Lee pause again. As much as she would argue that Lottie was blessed and that nothing could take away the fact that the Holy Spirit touched her, she couldn’t completely deny that the concept of the wilderness scared her. Laura Lee believed in God, in Lottie Matthews, and in God speaking through Lottie. She wasn’t sure where the wilderness fit in that equation, but she was usually content not knowing. That was Lottie’s gift, not hers.
“You know I only hear you, Lottie,” Laura Lee replied truthfully. Although she worried about disappointing Lottie, she knew the truth was more important.
“But you believe me, don’t you?”
And that was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?
If Lottie had asked any of their friends the same question, the answer would’ve been different. Some of them believed in her only when it was convenient for them. Some of them believed only when they were outnumbered, when everyone else already believed. They just weren’t people of faith. Not like Laura Lee.
Too often, the things Lottie talked about sounded impossible. Dismissing her would have been so much easier. But Laura Lee wasn’t brought up to believe faith was easier. She knew it was hard work, and she was more than committed to it. Believing in Lottie wasn’t easy, and it could be scary, but Laura Lee had believed in her from day one.
In times like those, when Lottie’s beliefs caused such chaos and Laura Lee’s faith in her wavered, she still had her love for Lottie to keep her steady. If anything, she would believe in Lottie because she loved her, because she wouldn’t hurt her by dismissing her like all the others.
“I believed you heard it all,” Laura Lee finally answered. She paused her actions, and her hands rested on her lap. Now her fingers were stained with blood too, but half of Lottie’s face was clean again. “I believe in you , Lottie,” Laura Lee added. That was the most important part. God might have abandoned them in that awful place. The Wilderness might feel like something profane. But Lottie? Laura Lee had no doubts in her.
“Thank you,” Lottie whispered.
Her voice broke, and the words barely came through, but Laura Lee heard her loud and clear. Lottie’s expression was overcome with emotion, she attempted a wavering smile for Laura Lee, but still a tear escaped from the corner of her eye. Laura Lee reached out to wipe the tear away, and her hand stayed there, cradling Lottie’s cheek. Then, and this was far from a new or unusual feeling, Laura Lee couldn’t fight the magnetic pull she felt guiding her toward Lottie.
Laura Lee leaned forward slowly, admiring every inch of Lottie’s face until she was so close that both of them closed their eyes. Then Laura Lee pressed a soft kiss to Lottie’s cheek, on a strategic point on the cheek she had cleaned, but not on the cleanest spot. She kissed Lottie close enough to the corner of her mouth to make Lottie inhale sharply, and close enough to the bloodstains still on Lottie’s chin to make Laura Lee herself repress a whimper.
It was too much. The smell of the blood. The softness of Lottie’s skin in contrast with the knowledge of what exactly was covering it and why. The reminder of the terrible thing Lottie had done, impossible to separate from the certainty that Lottie did it for them. How could Laura Lee not think of Jesus, beaten and bloody on the cross, sacrificing for everyone else’s sins? How could she not think, however fleetingly, of letting her mouth follow the impulse of continuing a trail down Lottie’s blood-stained chin and neck?
All things considered, Laura Lee chose the sin of pride, being proud of herself for finding the strength to pull back and deciding that any further worship should probably wait. Another time. A different day, maybe. She had a clear priority in mind, and when she looked at Lottie again, it was clearer than ever.
Lottie looked so fragile at that moment. So… small. She was the prophet that Laura Lee admired so much. But she was still the girl Laura Lee loved. Sacrifice, sin, miracle, or crime, whatever Lottie did that night, it was taking a toll on her. All Laura Lee wanted was to be there for her, to offer Lottie the comfort she needed.
So, Laura Lee leaned closer again, and this time she pressed her lips to Lottie’s forehead, right over her scar, a memento of the first time that she’d had to clean Lottie’s blood since they arrived at that godforsaken place.
As usual, and despite everything else they had done and gone through together, a kiss on the forehead still had Laura Lee blushing delicately when she pulled back.
“I’m almost done, okay?” she said, waited for Lottie’s nod, and then worked on cleaning the rest of the blood off Lottie’s face.
When she was done, Laura Lee felt enamoured by the sight of Lottie’s face as if it were the first time she saw her. Clean from the blood, Lottie reminded Laura Lee of Jesus after the resurrection now, but looking down at the bloody hands and the bright red stains on her clothes had an unsettling effect on the fantasy. It just so happened that Laura Lee was familiar with the significance of washing someone off their sins, metaphorically or not, and this was not even close to how far she would go for Lottie Matthews. So, very gently, she picked up a clean piece of cloth and tried her best to clean Lottie’s hands.
“You don’t have to,” Lottie said, still speaking quietly but now sounding just a little more like herself.
“It’s okay, Lottie,” Laura Lee replied.
She smiled at Lottie, hoping the gesture conveyed all the words she couldn’t bring herself to say. Lottie had more than once asked Laura Lee if she was scared of any of the things Lottie had said or done. But sometimes Laura Lee worried that it would be Lottie who would be scared if she knew all the things Laura Lee thought and felt about her, especially in moments like this, when Lottie looked so precious and divine and Laura Lee’s devotion for her felt intense enough to choke her.
So, Laura Lee smiled, stayed quiet, and just listened intently as Lottie continued to explain what she’d heard from the wilderness. Laura Lee worked slowly again, this time not because she needed to think, but because she wanted to listen to Lottie. She just wasn’t in a hurry to let go of her, and besides, Lottie looked more at ease the more she finally talked about all of it.
Eventually, though, when Laura Lee could hardly keep pretending there was more she could do to clean Lottie just so she could keep listening, there was a change in Lottie’s speech.
“I’m sorry I stained your dress,” she said, looking down at herself as if she was just then realizing how bad it all was.
“That’s okay,” Laura Lee said. She nodded and then started putting away the dirty rags and the little bowl of water. “We’ll find you something else.”
Laura Lee had been so focused on Lottie for so long that when she was done, when she went back to sitting in front of Lottie, sighing deeply at last, she was startled when she felt Lottie’s hand on her arm.
“You’re tired,” Lottie said. It wasn’t a question at all.
“I’m fine,” Laura Lee replied, shaking her head a little.
“Laura Lee,” Lottie insisted, smiling at her, finally smiling at her in the way she used to do. Her hand left Laura Lee’s shoulder to brush a strand of hair behind Laura Lee’s ear. After pulling back, she added, “It’s not a vision, or a message from the wilderness, I saw you yawning just a minute ago.”
A hint of playfulness in Lottie was so rare and precious those days that Laura Lee wished to freeze time just for them in that instant. Instead, as if Lottie had said a magic word, Laura Lee’s body reacted at once, and she yawned again. She covered her mouth with a hand, and blushed when she noticed how affectionately Lottie watched her the entire time.
“Sorry,” Laura Lee said sheepishly. “It was a long night.”
Lottie stayed quiet for a moment. She looked down at her lap, and then through the little entry to their shelter. A flash of worry passed through her eyes again, but when she faced Laura Lee again, Lottie attempted a new, extremely soft smile for her.
“I think the others would appreciate it if I kept my distance for a bit,” Lottie said, still smiling. “No one’s going to miss me.”
“Lottie…”
Laura Lee tried to interrupt her, tried to tell her not to even joke about it, because Laura Lee would miss her to a point of agony if she ever lost her. She already missed her if any of their duties around their village kept them separated during the day. But her message wasn’t necessary at that moment. Lottie was talking about everyone but her.
“Rest with me for a little bit?” Lottie asked her.
“Oh,” Laura Lee whispered, relieved. She instantly softened, and offered Lottie a happy little grin. “Of course, Lottie.”
This time, Lottie was the one to reach out first to hold her hand.