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“Would you want to go out with me?”
The question had damn near waterlogged Fade’s brain.
It had been such a normal night up until then. They’d been relaxing in the common room, a book in Fade’s hand and Clove’s phone clasped in theirs, and they sat listening to the wall clock tick, marking each passing sleepless hour.
It wasn’t uncommon that they both struggled to sleep. In fact, it had been one of the driving forces behind their friendship, initially.
They’d found acquaintanceship easily. Fade had been so driven to find Clove that she’d been knocked to her knees, vulnerable, when she succeeded. It had been a win she’d needed after so long of struggling to find anything but dead ends.
Clove, on the other hand, had taken everything about her in their stride. They hadn’t been dissuaded by Fade’s intimidating appearance or her standoffish demeanour. Her bitter sense of humour slid from them like water off a duck’s back. They were unbothered by her and walked right into her life like they’d been there all along, and it had only been weeks before they’d formed a solid bond.
Clove’s issues sleeping weren’t a secret. Neither were Fade’s, of course, but Clove announced their issues almost proudly, and so it wasn’t difficult for the two of them to figure out that they’d rather spend sleepless nights hanging out together instead of struggling through them alone.
It was almost becoming a habit of theirs.
Clove lay upside down, legs slumped over the back of the sofa, although one knee rested contentedly on Fade’s shoulder. Fade didn’t mind; Clove enjoyed physical intimacy and casually touched all of their friends at every opportunity, whether it was a hand on their arm, an arm slung around their shoulders, or legs folded neatly over their friends’. For them, it was normal, and Fade didn’t mind.
Still, when Clove cleared their throat and asked her out like it was nothing, Fade suddenly became extremely aware of every tiny point of contact.
Clove glanced around the edge of their phone and up at her, their expression curious but unconcerned. Fade’s chest tightened as a familiar sense of panic washed over her. Her defensive walls slammed up so quickly Fade was surprised rubble didn’t shower from her ears.
She couldn’t allow this. It was out of the question.
She swallowed thickly, trying to force down the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, and tried to brush it off.
“Why would we?”
Clove raised one eyebrow. They shrugged, locking their phone and dropping it onto their chest.
“We’re close. I find you attractive and I think it’s reciprocated. Why not?”
Shit. Why were they so relaxed about this?
Fade wet her lips with a quick dash of her tongue.
“It’s not professional,” she looked away, finding their gaze too penetrating, even though she usually thrived on eye contact. “Dating coworkers always goes badly.”
“Sure,” Clove snorted. “Killjoy and Raze are braw, aren’t they? They’ve never looked happier, not in all the time I’ve been here.”
Fade’s chest tightened further. She was going to run out of excuses at this rate.
A flutter of guilt lingered in the back of her mind. She wouldn’t admit she wanted them. She couldn’t be honest with herself, not about this.
She huffed, scouring her brain for another excuse, when Clove went still. They shifted, lifting their legs from behind the couch and slinging them instead over Fade’s lap so they could hoist themself upright.
Now, almost sitting in Fade’s lap, they squinted, staring her in the eye as if they could read her mind with just a glance.
“Or,” they puzzled. “Are you not attracted to me? Did I get that wrong?”
There was a wounded tug in the corner of their expression, one they were trying to hide but couldn’t quite shove far enough back. Caught off guard, Fade’s mouth ran away with her before she could think to stop it.
“That’s not it,” she argued, and realised too late what she’d done when Clove’s eyes lit up.
“Oh,” they said happily. “So you do think I’m hot.”
Fade’s cheeks blazed. They’d caught her off guard. How the hell did they manage that?
She grumbled, huffing and puffing as she fought to find some response that didn’t implicate her further, but it was too late. She’d already confessed in everything but name.
Clove beamed, clearly pleased with themself. The injured look in their eye was gone.
Fade’s stomach ached, pulling downward like a stone had been dropped into the writhing mess of her organs. Her guilt was festering, now, taking root and spreading like wildfire in dry grass.
“I’m…” she struggled to find the words. It was so strange for her to stumble like this, but Clove had caught her completely off of her guard, and she was struggling to scramble to regain her footing.
Clove didn’t rush her. They watched, maintaining eye contact calmly and with smug satisfaction on their face. Fade wanted to - well.
She couldn’t admit what she wanted to do about that. Thinking about it only twisted the knife of shame in her gut.
“I’m worried,” she admitted, even though being honest about her feelings felt worse than pulling teeth.
Clove cocked their head to the side.
“Okay,” they lifted their shoulders. “Talk to me. Dinnae say you’re rejecting me when you can’t even tell me the reason.”
Fade cringed into herself. Vulnerability was hard, but she found it harder still to deny Clove of it when they looked at her like this. Their face was kind, non-judgmental. They’d seen so much of Fade and none of it had shaken them, but still, Fade couldn’t help but fear this would end up being too much.
They’d not seen the worst of her, not by a wide margin. Fade had done her best to keep her distance, but they’d wormed their way between her ribs and now resided somewhere close to her heart, even though it was still far too early to call it love. Even this early, losing them was something she couldn’t help but fear.
“It feels like betraying him,” she confessed.
As soon as she’d said the words, the gravity in her body shifted. It didn’t feel like a weight lifting from her shoulders, nor did it feel like a pull dragging her down into the earth, but something fundamental shifted on its axes.
Something vital in the world had clasped onto a new handle, and the sky spun in a whole new direction, painting the sky with new constellations. It was dizzying, a little nauseating, but part of Fade couldn’t help but find it exciting.
“This, it…” she cleared her throat, struggling to find the words that would explain how she felt without insulting Clove. “It feels like a distraction. I should be finding him, not getting caught up with feelings.”
She said the last word like she was teasing a fishbone from between her teeth. It was more scathing than she’d meant to be, even as she’d tried to be gentle, but Clove didn’t seem to mind. They’d heard her tongue lash far sharper than that and hadn’t taken it to heart.
“I see,” they softly acknowledged, and, sensing she wasn’t done, nodded for Fade to continue.
“I know he’d want me to chase this,” Fade continued gratefully. She had more to say, more and more that was spilling out of her now she’d started. “But that doesn’t stop it from feeling like disloyalty. He needs my help, and I’m…”
She trailed off. There was no kind way to word what she was thinking, now, and Clove’s feelings mattered more to her than finishing her point. She’d said enough for Clove to understand.
They nodded slowly, digesting that, and shrugged.
“I can understand that,” they said simply. “Although I think you’re underestimating your ability to multitask. You work more than anyone here - why can’t you go to bed at night with someone who cares about you? What difference does that make?”
Fade chewed on the inside of her cheek. She glanced down at where their laps crossed, her mind racing faster than she could keep up with.
“It’s frightening to get close to people,” she murmured. “Even aside from my search.”
Clove watched her intently, urging her to continue, and Fade took a deep breath in the hopes it might lessen the stabbing ache between her lungs.
“Losing him ruined me, you know. I don’t think I’ll survive losing someone else.”
“Oh,” Clove lit up again, newly excited. “I mean, right good thing I can’t die then, aye?”
Fade eyed them, cutting them down from the cloud of joy they’d mounted.
“Sure, but you could be taken, or hurt, or you could get tired of me, or-”
“Whoa,” Clove cut her off, then, and put a finger to Fade’s lips to make sure she shut up. “Enough of that.”
Fade blinked, glancing down at the finger pinned to her mouth and then back up at Clove. Clove cocked their brow, staring her down with a stern, pinched look on their face.
“You’re right daft,” they scowled. “You know that?”
They took their finger away, and Fade sighed - she hadn’t even realised she’d been holding her breath.
Her arms were shaking. Her hands were shaking. She hadn’t even noticed. She turned to stare at them, willing them to go still, but adrenaline was coursing through her like a drug, and she couldn’t help it.
Clove clicked their tongue with playful disappointment.
“If you keep worrying at that speed, your head’ll run away without you,” they scolded her. Fade laughed, her voice quivering and hoarse. She’d spilt more of herself than she could care to admit, and now it was all out there, she found her will to resist steadily running dry.
“How about,” Clove shuffled closer. “We try it? If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. At least then we’ll know.” They shrugged, gesturing haphazardly with one hand, and then poked Fade lightly in the shoulder.
They met her eye quietly as the question hung between them, and when Fade opened her mouth to respond, she found she couldn’t think of any more harebrained excuses to say no.
She opened and shut her mouth a few times, her cheeks heating with mortification at what she must have looked like.
“Okay,” she finally answered, and Clove beamed like they’d caught a vanishing star between their fingers.
They let out a jovial noise and drew closer, wrapping their arms around Fade’s shoulders but not quite embracing her. They kept their eyes locked on Fade’s, apparently too enamoured with her to tear them away just yet.
“One more question,” their face grew clouded with nerves, and Fade tilted her head to the side.
“Hm?” she hummed her soft acknowledgement and chuckled at the red that blossomed across Clove’s cheekbones.
“D’you wanna…” Clove glanced at Fade’s lips. “Y’know? Kiss?”
Fade chuckled. They were clearly nervous, but Clove’s definition of nerves tended to match most people’s courage. They were bold at the best of times, and that included times like this, when they were taking the first fragile steps into something new.
“Well,” she twisted her mouth into a grin, letting her canine poke out over her lower lip. “You are practically sitting on me already.”
Clove’s eyes glinted with excitement, and they dove in without needing any further encouragement.
Fade didn’t know their past experience, if they had any. She didn’t really imagine they were the type to have dated much, out of disinterest if nothing else. They were the type to like everyone but take few into their own heart - it was a bit of a wonder that they’d chosen her.
Still, inexperience made for a pretty bad kiss.
Clove dove in too fast, and their teeth knocked painfully together. Fade winced, lurching backwards, and Clove did much the same, reaching up to cover their mouth.
“Ow,” Fade complained, and Clove laughed, their voice shaking with nerves.
“Sorry. Got excited.”
“I can see that,” Fade snickered, the pain dissipating and leaving only amusement.
Fine, she figured. I can take the lead for now.
She leaned forward, snaking an arm around Clove’s waist and pulling them close. She lifted her other hand to cup their cheek, and held them gently, but with enough firmness to catch their attention.
“Stay still,” she murmured, their lips close enough to just barely brush, and for Clove to feel her breath warming their lips. They shivered, and cocked their head to the opposite side of Fade’s as she leaned in to kiss them properly.
This one was gentle. It was soft, and didn’t last all that long, but far more pleasant. A jolt of excitement darted from their joined lips down the length of Fade’s spine, and Clove gasped into the kiss, clearly feeling something similar.
That’s better.
Fade slid her lips gently against Clove’s, swallowing their breath, and pulled away just far enough to touch her brow to theirs.
They didn’t speak. For a moment, they simply enjoyed the moment, tasting each other and the change in their relationship on their lips. This was something they couldn’t take back, but maybe, if they were lucky, they wouldn’t have to.
“You’re still wriggling,” Fade murmured - Clove was squirming in her lap.
“Sorry,” they snorted, leaning in to chase her lips. “Turns out I’m still pretty excited.”
They stole another kiss, and another, and before Fade knew it, her lips were swollen and tender with the evidence of what had changed.