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A love so sweet everyone wishes it would come find them. Highschool sweethearts actually working and continuing till forever. Teeth rotting almost. That's what their relationship was like, Hinata loving Kageyama with all of his body and soul and Kageyama doing the same. Everybody told them they would one day get married, become an official partner both in and out of the court. Their love would one day make everyone jealous.
Perhaps that's why things went south, why things started to fall into pieces like how a glass thrown into a floor shatters into places. Hinata knew how that looked, he knew how the glass ended up. He knew how a vase looked like when broken, water coming out of it and the sunflowers looking into the darkness of the apartment instead of the sun like they used to. He did not like how it made him feel.
Everything was going like planned, until things didn't. That was not how it was supposed to go, everyone told them otherwise. They told them they would be the happiest, so why did that happen? Why was it them, not someone else.
He almost couldn't realize it was Kageyama that was infront of him, doing things he once promised he would never in his life. It was Kageyama infront him not doing things he promised to.
A forgotten anniversary? Yeah that was acceptable, everyone forgets it once a while.
A forgotten birthday? A little weird but it's okay, he is just stressed.
Drinking? Not what he would prefer but it was okay he was not drinking until he wasn't aware of his surroundings.
But what was not okay was the fact that he was now drinking until he wasn't aware of his surroundings. It was hard to ignore the red flags now. What was even harder was the fact that he was being violent towards everything. And the worst of all; he, Hinata, was now the sunflowers that was in the shattered vase.
He couldn't see any light he could look up to in his place, he felt like his blood was sucked out of him. His will to leave was stripped out of him without his consent. Oh how he wished he could return back to days where they were happy, he was happy.
Now he was far away from happiness. He wished to love Kageyama with his heart and souls again, and he did. But Kageyama? No he didn't, he even acted like he hated Hinata.
It was almost like he was an enemy. Maybe he was in his eyes, he didn't know. How could he? Kageyama did not speak with him, to him; he did not even look at his direction.
"Stop it." He tried to say many times with no response. "Why are you doing this My Love?" he asked, also got no response to his question.
My Love turned into, Love into, Tobi and lastly Tobio. Why was he inlove with him again? Because of all the good times they had?
No that was not it, it was long forgotten.
His looks was the reason maybe, he didn't know, he wasn't sure.
But this was not it either, he aged terribly after he started drinking. So what was it, what was the reason.
He knew exactly why. It was that one little spark in his heart that told him everything could return back to normal, he could still change, that they could, would continue to be the couple that everyone admired.
A spark that was about to crash, just like his bestfriend Kenma said. That spark was never supposed to be there, especially not in his heart.
But even when he tried to leave, he didn't let him. What was he supposed to do? Just escape? No that was not... what he was looking for. It was not what he wanted.
He wanted something official, he didn't want to be like a criminal that was escaping from police, that was so unlike him. But Kageyama was also not accepting any kind of divorce agreement. Like he didn't exactly want him to go, like he was actually scared of losing him.
But Hinata wanted to escape from this hell hole. Even the spark could not stop him from wanting him to escape this at this point. When he was with Kageyama he felt like he was like a book that started beautifully but was never fully finished. A work in progress, put on a shelf, surrounded by dusts and spiders. A future that was taken away from him.
Perhaps escaping from him was the right choice. Was there even an other choice? Where he could be away from him, happier. Perhaps not only happier, but happier than he ever been? Was that a possiblity. Could he be the one that ended the book. Could he write his future. Without needing to escape. Another door that opens to outside, free from violence, free from seeing the man he once loved turning into a monster he could not realize.
He stopped to think about it, there was actually a solution. A one that would for sure let him get out of this place he once called "home". A plan that would make the "book" become a "diary' and let him write his own future instead of others, without others pressures.
18th March 20xx
Dear diary today I haven't done anything other than what I've been doing for the past 5 years. Except what choices I made I guess. I finally ate something other than cup noodles. I am still trying to stay on my own two feet. Starting a new life is actually really hard. Even after 5 years I can't seem to forget him. Like he is scarred on my skin, everytime I look in the mirror I see pieces of him.
Today while going "there" I stopped by a different shop this time. I picked purple hyacinthus for today. Once it was one of his favorites. Going through places we once used to go together is still hard. Today for some reasons his grave seemed lonelier than before. Like he actually forgot my existence and left me with my own thoughts for the last time. I think it was for the best, I could not bare to face him. Not after seeing him take his own life, falling infront of my shoes.
I still don't know what happened to me. Why I did all that stuff I have done. If it was me now, I would cherish all the moments we had, engrave them in my brain to remember forever. To let people be correct about our relationship. I wish I was sober then. Even from that time what I remember is him still calling me love until he just could not anymore.
There wasn't even a chance for him to survive, falling from a place so high. Sometimes i feel like the pieces I see of him in the mirror is one day actually going to become him and avenge me. I am embarrassed to say but I think I am actually scared of that happening.
I was not one that was scared of horror movies but now that I think about it, haunting are scary. If it's someone you love especially.
That was all for today, dairy. I think I am just going to finish writing this dairy once and for all. He wanted to continue his diary, life, and I didn't let him do that. So I feel like I don't have the right to write about him after death.
I am so sorry for everything, My Love. I wish you peeae in heaven I never let you have in earth. I hope you can forgive me but deep inside I know that will never happen. Lots of Love.
Tobio Kageyama-
How he wished that Kageyama knew that he wouldn't hate him, not any time of the day, not even when the doom came. Everytime a tear dropped from his eyes, Hinata felt them ten times worse. Even in heaven, he could not stop caring for the man he once loved, and still loved.