Work Text:
“Come now, Lil’ Apple, don’t you want it?” Wei Wuxian wiggled the stick he held, making the apple tied on a string to the far end jump and bob in the air.
Lil’ Apple snorted, and remained unmoved. It did want the apple—it loved apples—but it also knew what the apple-on-a-string meant; the humans wanted it to do work. And Lil’ Apple did not dream of labor.
The work wasn’t always so bad. Lil’ Apple always demanded fair compensation, but it didn’t dislike Wei Wuxian. As humans went, he was a decent one for a donkey, and the occasional leisurely stroll to take Wei Wuxian somewhere was fine The problem was that Wei Wuxian tended to get into trouble when he traveled—whether it was with his husband or any number of younger men Lil’ Apple refused on principle to learn all the names of or the polite fierce corpse Lil’ Apple had grown to rather like, even if he smelled disconcertingly of death,—and Lil’ Apple was getting too old to need to run away from monsters or spirits or bad-tempered humans or whatever other trouble that Wei Wuxian seemed to attract like a magnet at least once a trip.
The problem, of course, lay in the rules of Cloud Recesses. Lil’ Apple was no cultivator, and had no desire to become one—as far as it knew no donkey had been so irrational as to seriously attempt forming a golden core—but it had lived among them for long enough to understand the nature of the ones it lived with. The Lan Sect Rules were oft cited in its presence, and while the vast majority of them did not concern Lil’ Apple in the slightest, one in particular had been a thorn in its side. The rule in question went as follows: “Pets are not permitted”. Lil’ Apple, under no circumstances, would consider itself a pet, however decades of debate in the Lan Sect resulted in an interpretation of the rule that meant any animal that lived in the Cloud Recesses must have a particular purpose it served.
In Lil’ Apple’s case, that purpose was to be Wei Wuxian’s ride when his husband wasn’t available to transport him by sword, or he simply desired to travel more slowly. Lil’ Apple had accepted the necessity of this arrangement for years, and allowed itself to be saddled and dragged out into the world on whatever adventures every few months. However, Lil’ Apple was aging in a way the cultivators around it was not, and it was beginning to feel its age every time it had to wind its way down from Cloud Recesses or run away from a particularly violent ghost. With all that in mind, Lil’ Apple was determined to fix the situation before it snapped a leg or worse toting Wei Wuxian around the countryside.
The first step, of course, was one Lil’ Apple was well used to; refuse to work. Easy. Did it want the crisp apple Wei Wuxian was attempting to tempt it with? Of course! But Lil’ Apple was a donkey, which meant it was adept in being stubborn. It flicked an ear in disdain at Wei Wuxian and shook its head, making its stance clear.
“My noble steed, are apples no longer enough for you? I never thought I’d see the day.” Wei Wuxian shook his head dramatically. “How can I bribe you into walking, hmm?”
In answer, Lil’ Apple turned and clopped over towards the nearest garden patch where Lan cultivators grew medicinal herbs.
“Lil’ Apple, where are you—wait, no, pick a different bribe, ah! You can’t have those.” Lil’ Apple snorted as Wei Wuxian rushed after it, but did not stop. Eventually, Wei Wuxian caught up and grabbed its halter, attempting to slow it down. Ridiculous; Wei Wuxian had never been stronger than Lil’ Apple, and they both knew it.
It dragged Wei Wuxian the rest of the way to the garden, where it immediately stopped at the edge of the tilled earth. Lil’ Apple eyed the herbal bounty before it, carefully selected a target, and leaned down, extending its neck to sink its teeth into the main stem of the small plant and pulled it entirely out of the soil.
“No, you can’t eat these, they’re—wait, what is this?” Wei Wuxian squinted down at the plant Lil’ Apple spat in his hands. He turned it this way and that, running his fingers over the leaves. “This is a weed,” he said at last. Lil’ Apple grunted affirmatively.
Wei Wuxian gazed at it thoughtfully.
“I assume that was intentional, then?” he said. Lil’ Apple let out a loud bray and turned back to the garden plot, expertly plucking another, different type of weed and dropping it in Wei Wuxian’s hands. Again, Wei Wuxian examined it and determined for himself that it was a weed.
“I see, I see,” he said quietly, all but muttering to himself. “I imagine these aren’t what you’re asking for as a bribe, Lil’ Apple?” Lil’ Apple gave Wei Wuxian a disdainful look, confirming the negative. Most of the weeds were fine—some were even tasty—but it refused to accept weeds it pulled up itself as appropriate bribes in place of apples. Absolutely unacceptable! Wei Wuxian hummed and tapped his mouth as he considered what Lil’ Apple had presented. As humans went, Lil’ Apple had found Wei Wuxian fairly intelligent, even if it didn’t appreciate how some of his choices made its life more difficult.
As if to prove Lil’ Apple’s point, Wei Wuxian made an ‘aha’ noise and clapped his hands together, though clap made a strange noise considering he still held two weeds in his hands.
“You’re trying to retire!” Wei Wuxian said. “You’re trying to retire while still doing work to avoid the no pets rule.”
Lil’ Apple bobbed its head in agreement.
Wei Wuxian laughed.
“Oh, what a clever and noble steed you are. I’ll have to ask Lan Zhan, of course, but your weeding proposal seems perfectly reasonable to me. I hadn’t really thought about it, but you’ve been with me quite a while, haven’t you? Perhaps I can convince Lan Zhan and Zewu-jun about the merits of an honorable, work-free retirement for you, without even needing to weed.”
Lil’ Apple whistled in appreciation, butting the flat of its head against Wei Wuxian’s arm.
“Don’t thank me yet, I haven’t accomplished anything, and the Lans can be so strict about their rules. I think they'll be willing to add a new one for your specific situation, they’re not entirely unreasonable about such things. I’ve already prompted the addition of multiple new rules, one more couldn’t hurt.” Wei Wuxian smiled and scratched the center of Lil’ Apple’s nose. Lil’ Apple closed its eyes, enjoying the attention, satisfied that its plan had worked, at least thus far. Then, for good measure, it opened its eyes and sunk its teeth into the apple that still dangled from the stick Wei Wuxian had tucked in his belt when he started chasing Lil’ Apple.
“Hey!” Wei Wuxian said, instinctually jerking back before bursting into laughter. Lil’ Apple gave a bray of victory, then settled in to placidly crunch its apple while Wei Wuxian leaned against its side, continuing to shake with laughter.
Retirement was already panning out so nicely.