Work Text:
Tina Lizzy Rock picked up her phone and texted Lance asking where he was.
Lance quickly grabbed the soap bottle and pumped soap into his hands then dunked them in a bowl of water to wash off the paint.
He texted her back telling her that he was painting in the backyard.
Tina immediately headed out the back door and told Lance there was a meeting in the auditorium at 6PM.
Lance had a smock on he refused to remove it then went on to say “why should I go to that stupid meeting Donna Tan called? She’ll probably complain that a Pepto-Bismol Commercial had the word diarrhea in it and she’s offended by that.”
Tina told Lance “we’re going to the meeting so I hope you have all your homework done.”
Lance firmly stated “of course I do.”
Tina exhaled then stated “between you and my students at community college it’s hard to keep up.”
Lance smiled and insisted “if you’re so worn out from grading papers then we should stay home tonight.”
Tina replied “your father will be home soon and we’re going.”
Lance yelled “not the Pittsburg Auditorium, it has swimming pools and years ago a child drowned in one of them. His ghost still haunts the place!”
Tina told Lance “Enough!”
Kevin arrived home five minutes later and said “alright honey are we ready to go to the auditorium?”
Lance shouted “no let’s not. The main speaker will be Donna Tan and only icky icky toilet humor comes out of her mouth so let’s not go!”
Sure enough they ended up going to the auditorium.
5:57 PM The Auditorium
Donna Tan got up on the stage and spoke into the microphone.
“Attention everyone! My name is Donna Tan and I’m glad so many people in this community have shown up. Today we’re going to talk about children who don’t behave in public. Everywhere I go these days children don’t have their shirts tucked in. I see children on I-phones, children should not be on the internet.”
The adults remained silent but children were hissing.
Donna yelled “all you brats need to stop hissing!”
Right after Donna yelled loud thunder struck, and the lights went out.
“Whoa” everyone said in unison.
90 seconds later the lights came back on and Lance Decker Rock was seen on stage standing beside Donna Tan.
Lance began speaking “I was painting in my backyard with my new paint set but now I’m stuck here listening to you give a hate speech against children.”
Donna became furious and shouted “children should be seen and not heard.”
Lance shouted “I’m pissed off so you’ll see me and hear me on this stage. I got my phone as a gift because my belly was cut open and my appendix were removed.”
Tina walked up to the stage and escorted Lance off the stage.
Donna continued “joining me now are two church pastors who are happily married and look forward to making childhood innocent again. Pastors Arlene Bell and Frank Bell are here to inform parents that if children don’t give up their social media accounts they will burn in hell.”
Pastors Frank and Arlene Bell come out on the stage.
Arlene begins speaking “as many of you parents are aware there’s been a change in U.S. culture where public schools are letting church pastors in. My husband like me is a church pastor and he gave speeches in local elementary schools.”
Tyrone Smith shouted “when your husband was at my school he had a woman with him he said was his wife and she wasn’t you!”
“Yeah” shouted Lance.
Several other children started shouting the same thing.
Arlene smacked her husband and called him a “fucking cheater” and all the kids had their phones out and uploaded the video to Tik Tok.
“Hello it’s Lance Decker Rock up on Tik Tok. Donna Tan was giving a rotten speech at the Pittsburg Auditorium. When she called two crooked church pastors up to the stage things really went wild. I’m going to get back to painting now when I get home. Mom, dad, let’s go home.”
Tina and Kevin just rolled their eyes.
The End