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A weekday amusement park is a strange place. Unlike large-scale facilities like Lotte World, this one was often frequented by nearby college students and families looking to pass the time. When there aren’t many people coming in with a festive mood, naturally, there are fewer requests for portraits. While Na-yeon, who was about to undergo a medical examination, played nearby, Gyeonseok was simply watching the bubbles that a vendor was blowing from a cart.
As he tried to rest his mind, the thoughts of that disastrous game he had experienced two months ago immediately came rushing back. The guilt of surviving in that crazed environment, despite being eliminated, tightened his chest. It might sound good to say that he was only desperate for his daughter, but in the end, he had begged for his life and ended up aiding in the killing as one of the soldiers. The wound on his side from the time he was shot had long since healed, but the more he recalled that environment, the more it ached painfully.
When a bubble came close to him and popped against his nose, Gyeonseok snapped back to reality. The peaceful music of the amusement park played in the background. Thanks to his military salary, his daughter was now much healthier than before, and she was eagerly awaiting the upcoming parade. Once the parade started, the street would become even more deserted.
“…”
From behind a surfboard panel, someone appeared—someone who had participated in that game. The woman, No. 120, whom he had saved on the merry-go-round. She had been the one who said she would go get ammunition, and that had been their last parting. She had been the bravest person of them all. At that time—probably due to the psychological effect of the situation—Gyeonseok had fallen in love with her. Deep down, he wished someone like her could live with Na-yeon. Another bubble floated by. Looking around, it seemed like she was alone, standing somewhat apologetically. Gyeonseok’s body moved naturally toward her.
“…Um.”
“Ah!”
She spun around, her body jerking as if startled, and she was even more beautiful than she had been in that extreme situation. The makeup she wore was carefully applied, and her modest clothes suited her well.
“…Sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you—”
“…You’re alive?”
“Well, yes. It’s been a lot, but…”
“…”
Her expression turned immediately stern, and Gyeonseok regretted reminding her of those days. The bubbles floated between them casually. He instinctively popped one right in front of her and smiled, and she, as if caught up in it, exhaled with a small sigh.
“…What are you doing here?”
“I work here. Look, over there… I’m drawing.”
“Oh, I see…”
“The parade’s about to start. Aren’t you going to watch?”
She pointed toward a group forming a line a little further away. When she looked at it, Gyeonseok saw her shake her head. The earrings hanging from her ears swayed, reflecting a small amount of light.
“It’s fine. I’m by myself, and… I don’t like places that are too crowded…”
“Oh, I see.”
“…Isn’t it alright for you, though… to abandon your duties?”
“Ah…! Well… it’s fine. Everyone will be absorbed in the parade in just a few minutes anyway.”
He had meant to make a joke about his own self-deprecation, but she frowned, contrary to his intentions. Her gaze shifted to the empty chair set up behind her.
“…Is that your spot?”
“Yes.”
Curiously, she stepped forward and closely examined the pictures of actresses and idols displayed as samples.
“…You’re really good at this.”
“It’s nothing. I mean, look at the performers’ dances—they’re good too.”
He seemed to be talking more than usual today, probably because of his nervousness. His hands were sweating in the fear that he might say something he shouldn’t. Since he probably wouldn’t make any sales today anyway… he just wanted to spend a little more time with her, whom he hadn’t seen in a while. Her hair, swaying in the soft spring breeze, was beautiful, and he squeezed out the words stuck in his throat.
“…Um, would you mind if I drew you?”
“Huh…?”
“You don’t have to pay me. So… after the parade ends, would you keep me company for a little while?”
“…Are you sure?”
Gyeonseok gently brushed off the leaves that had fallen on the chair that had been left unused and gestured for her to sit down. She sat down, and Gyeonseok, having said he would draw her, set up a new sheet of paper in front of the easel. She, shrinking slightly in embarrassment, had her gaze soften gently.
“Well then… please.”
“Yes, of course.”
He picked up a pencil and began sketching the outlines faintly. When the music for the parade started, this area would turn into a little corner of Mardi Gras. Her cheeks were slightly thinner than before, and considering her original gender, she had a small chin. Her well-maintained, glossy hair… Gyeonseok recreated each one of these as he spoke.
“Why did you come here today?”
“Ah… I don’t really know. Really, just for no particular reason. I saw a video about this place on YouTube the other day, and… I thought I’d come see it.”
“Ah, I see.”
“At my age, going to an amusement park alone… I thought it might seem strange. But I figured since I’m only here in Korea for a little longer, I’d come have a bit of fun.”
His hand holding the pencil stopped. He hoped his surprise hadn’t been too obvious. She looked at him, her gaze entwining with his.
“…?”
“…Ah, no, I’m sorry. I was just… are you going overseas?”
“Yes, to Thailand. That’s also the reason I participated in that game.”
Gyeonseok lowered the pencil slightly and meticulously shaded her lips with coral. He carefully recreated the full lips that had been a bit overdone with lipstick.
“Here, I have better employment opportunities than in Korea… and to be honest, the prize money helped pay off my debts. It’s so I can continue to be… myself.”
“…”
“I’ve grown tired of living alone, struggling by myself.”
Again, her eyes fluttered. Gyeonseok picked up an eraser and gently used it on her eyes in the drawing.
“I know it may sound like cheap words, but… you’re not alone.”
He slightly lowered the line he had originally raised, lengthened it, and then raised the corner of her mouth in the drawing, adding some graphite to her cheek.
“I… without you, I would have never survived. It was the same on the merry-go-round… and it’s because you taught me how to use that complicated gun—I’m able to be here, drawing.”
He brushed the eraser shavings off the finished picture. Unlike the serious expression in front of him, the drawing of her had a smile, and his hand holding the paper trembled slightly.
“There might not be much I can do for you, who saved my life…”
“…Hyunju.”
“Huh…?”
It didn’t take long for Gyeonseok to realize the sound she made when she took the paper was her saying his name.
“…You?”
“Ah… wait a second.”
“Ah!”
Without realizing it, Gyeonseok’s hand naturally placed itself over hers, which was holding the paper. He pretended not to notice as he wrote his name at the edge of the paper.
“…Gyeonseok.”
“Yes. And…”
This wasn’t something he normally did, but he wrote his phone number below his name, hoping that if there was anything he could repay her with before she left for Thailand. He felt a slight tightening in her hand within his.
“Are you free the night after tomorrow?”
“…”
“I’ll be alone too, so…”
When he slowly let go of her hand, the warmth from the days of tension in the past remained, the warmth of blood flowing through her.
“If you’d like, would you join me for a dinner, Hyunju?”
“…!”
He hoped that her smile wouldn’t only be in the drawing but that he could see it in reality as well. As the sound of the parade gradually approached its end, she nodded faintly.
--------------------
Two months have passed since the game proved that gods do not exist, and I never thought I would see him again. The deaths of Yonmi and Gyeonseok, who took my hand during that game, recognized me as a human, and gave me an awkward form of love, felt like a punishment for my choice to isolate myself from the world. The sins I carried as a result of my reckless rebellion, and the life I was saved with by them in the form of the reward money, left irresponsible scars on me. In the end, more than half of it went toward paying off massive debts, and as I tried to find even a single thing I liked about this country that had caused me so much pain, Gyeonseok found her again. That moment, when the fragment of my heart that I thought had shattered and been lost forever returned to Hyunju, was when everything changed.
“Ah… sorry, I kept you waiting.”
“…!”
Had Gyeonseok run over to her, slightly out of breath? I felt ashamed of my own lack of confidence, wondering if he would actually show up. On the other hand, I stood up from the flower bed, trying to hide the contradiction of arriving thirty minutes earlier than the meeting time, and met his gaze. The clock behind him showed that it was twenty minutes before our original meeting time.
“But, Gyeonseok, you’re early enough.”
“Actually… I made a mistake about the location. I was waiting over there the whole time. …heh.”
“! …Heh.”
Unlike when we first met, Gyeonseok was wearing a smooth jacket and slim trousers, and his gentle smile made Hyunju smile as well. It’s strange how such a simple thing, someone with the same values as me in this time we spent together, can make my heart feel so warm. My eyes slightly warmed as I realized that.
“Shall we go? I’ll let them know we’re coming early.”
“Thank you.”
Perhaps out of consideration for us being exposed to curious gazes in the crowd, he introduced Hyunju to a friend’s store in Jongno. Occasionally, people who looked like me passed by. I had once thought of working in a store nearby to earn some temporary income after leaving the military, but I couldn’t endure being judged for my still-unsettled face and body, so I gave up, telling myself, “The last train comes earlier than I thought.” That memory came back to me briefly.
“…Sorry.”
After finishing a call, he looked up from his phone, speaking apologetically.
“I considered Itaewon too, but… I don’t know, that area feels a little too young for me.”
“I agree. …Thank you for considering so many things for me.”
“Oh, no… The place we’re going today is a friend’s shop from my art school days. I really wanted you to try the kalguksu there for the final course.”
“Ah… Heh, I’m looking forward to it.”
I had been desperate for too long trying to get back the people who had left, and now I couldn’t understand why he would go this far for me. Was he trying to build a friendship with me, or something more? And why was he trying so hard?
“Wait! That prince is alive?”
“Yes. I ran into him by chance yesterday. He said he came back for various reasons. And then… he invited me to dinner tomorrow.”
Since the game ended, talking to Geumja on the phone about going to the amusement park had become part of Hyunju’s daily routine. Perhaps because of that experience, Yongsik had retired from gambling and started working night shifts. While he was at work, Geumja had become a new mother figure for Hyunju.
“Isn’t that great? The prince has always cared about you, Hyunju. I thought he was a shy but brave man. Just like you, a perfect match.”
“Stop it… It’s not like that.”
“Why not? He’s a good guy. I’ve been saying this all along—you deserve to live happily, you know.”
“I—I don’t… think about that anymore…”
As she denied it, Hyunju looked for the right combination of clothes from her few options. She felt embarrassed by how excited she was. When she reached for the gray slacks, she heard Geumja on the other side of the phone take a small breath.
“Stop saying silly things. You hear me? It’s a date, so wear something really cute. I know you were about to pick some plain pants. But you know what? Men like something flowy!”
“Geumja—”
“I know you’re looking forward to it, so be honest with yourself. It’s a promise with your mom.”
Hyunju hung the slacks back on the hanger and picked up a skirt she had bought but hadn’t had the courage to wear. The pale pink organza skirt made her heart ache just by thinking about what to pair with it.
“…But, if it’s strange…”
“It’ll be fine. If not, take him to Bongcheondong! I’ll slap that prince’s behind for what he does to my Hyunju!”
“…Heh, yes.”
“Leave it to Omma. I’m on your side.”
Sitting on her bed, Hyunju placed the skirt on her lap, watching as the hem spread evenly across the floor. As she ran her hand over the rough fabric, she pressed her lips together with determination.
“…Thank you, Omma.”
“Then, you’ll tell me how it went, right? Of course, you don’t have to call me tomorrow. Now! It’s a date, so you’d better get to sleep. Your skin will suffer otherwise. …Good night, Hyunju.”
“Yeah… Good night.”
“Enjoy yourself.”
Hyunju was excited about the new connection—about the new feelings she was looking forward to. She feared what it would mean to name the emotions that came when she picked up something she had told herself didn’t suit her all this time. But there was someone who would embrace her, someone who would help her discover those feelings. After hanging up, Hyunju collapsed on her bed, placing a hand over her eyes and letting out a small sigh.
During dinner, Gyeonseok worked hard to share various stories, occasionally joking with Hyunju. He told her about the time he joined the game to help his sick daughter, who resembled his late wife. He was saved by one of the merciful pink cards and survived the game while wearing the uniform of a dead soldier. Thanks to Hyunju’s lecture, he learned to handle a gun. After returning, his daughter was able to receive treatment. He also mentioned how difficult it was to explain the situation to the amusement park owner, who had no idea what had happened. Finally, he told her he had bought new clothes just to meet her today. As the alcohol took its toll, Hyunju also shared pieces of her own past, choking on her words at times. Listening carefully to each word, they both placed pure white cloths over their wounds, trying to heal the broken parts of their past.
Hours passed quickly. Most of the food on the grill was gone, and Gyeonseok pushed several empty bottles to the edge of the table, his eyes moist as he looked at Hyunju.
“Today… my daughter is in the hospital for an exam.”
“Is that so?”
“I thought if I didn’t see you today, I might never get the chance again… After meeting someone I couldn’t forget, I started wondering if maybe gods really do exist…”
“Me too. …I’m glad I came today. …I was anxious. I didn’t know what to expect, with you inviting me, picking the place, and doing everything. But I regret even the slightest doubt I had about you. I’m happy right now… really.”
“Ah… no—”
Gyeonseok, unable to hide his surprise, looked at her with eyes that seemed to swim. He quickly opened the smartphone screen from his pocket, and Hyunju wanted to believe that he felt the same way, but she tried not to be too sure.
“…But, it’s almost time to pay—”
“Huh?”
“You said the last train comes early, right? Sadly, it’s time to go…”
“…Ah, right. Okay.”
Hyunju stared at the time on her phone. She wished tomorrow wouldn’t come, but time kept moving relentlessly.
“I invited you today, so I should pay.”
“No, but—”
“It’s fine. We’ll meet again.”
She watched him try to pay and felt a lump in her throat. She knew he would likely use his time without his daughter to see her again, but part of her couldn’t let go of today.
“Do you have to work early tomorrow?”
“No, I’m free. My daughter will be discharged in the evening, so I’m taking the day off to pick her up…”
“Um…”
Hyunju’s hand trembled as she placed her phone on the table. Her nails, freshly painted to match her skirt, tightened. Before Gyeonseok could open his mouth, Hyunju spoke up, her voice trembling.
“I’m sorry… I can’t know when it is.”
“…?”
“…The last train time.”
When Gyeonseok heard such a silly word, one that would come from a much younger girl, he blinked several times, his mouth slightly open. Hyunju looked down, filled with regret, just before Gyeonseok’s large, bony hand covered hers, which had been resting on the phone.
“…Ha, I’m done for.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“But…we can still go back to my house.”
“…!”
When Hyunju looked up, she saw Gyeonseok smiling at her like a puppy, his eyes softening as he looked at her.
--------------------
Though they had been talking so fluently just a moment ago, the two of them barely exchanged any words in the corner of the train, which was now crowded with office workers heading home and university students who had probably drunk too much. When was the last time I felt like this? It took me so long to realize that her flushed cheeks weren’t due to alcohol but because of her courage. Perhaps because of the tension, I didn’t want to let go of her hand, which had grown cold all the way to her fingertips. With each approaching station, that feeling deepened.
“We’ll get off at the next station.”
Hyunju nodded, and her earrings swayed. I could feel her inner conflict. She must be confused about whether she made the right choice.
“It’s a bit cramped, and I can’t offer much in terms of hospitality… but I’m happy that we can spend time together.”
“…Yes.”
She was the first to get off the train when they arrived at the nearest station. Passing through the ticket gate, they returned to a familiar neighborhood, and a little of the weight that had been pressing on their hearts seemed to lighten.
“This way.”
Gyeonseok took Hyunju’s hand with the resolve to be shaken off, and though she hesitated for a moment, she returned the grip.
Once inside, she sat on the sofa like a cat that had been borrowed, curling up and gazing around the room. Gyeonseok poured hot water into some herbal tea he had received as a gift and placed the cup in front of her. Then, he took a painting by Nayoung from the shelf and placed it on the table in front of her.
“My daughter… Nayoung is still young, but she loves painting just like me.”
“You’re good at it. Is this you, Gyeonseok?”
“Yes. She might even become a better artist than me. …Thanks to her, I didn’t mess up with gongi, haha.”
“…You’re a good dad.”
Sitting beside her, he gently leaned a bit of his weight onto her shoulder. He could feel her breath, faintly, as she briefly glanced at him.
“I hope I’m doing okay, but… reality is harder than I thought.”
“…If my dad had been someone like you, maybe something would have been different.”
Gyeonseok took her hand as she placed the painting back on the table. Unlike before, he gently rubbed her warm skin with his thumb. Her hand was slender, undeniably that of a man, yet he didn’t feel any discomfort—this meant the reason he had fallen for her wasn’t because of something so simple.
“So… do you think I should become a father?”
“Pfft, no. That’s not it.”
“I know. I was just being mischievous.”
When she lightly waved their connected hands, her weight pressed against him. His heartbeat thudded painfully. Among the scent of cigarettes from the seat beside them in the café, her soft scent intertwined with his.
“You didn’t talk much on the train… I thought maybe you regretted following me.”
“Ah… no, that’s not it.”
“Were you nervous?”
“I was nervous, but… because of my voice. I tend to avoid talking on the train or bus.”
He couldn’t help but lift his face. Like when they had talked about the army, Hyunju always smiled self-deprecatingly when discussing painful topics. He felt anger at the world for having hurt someone with such a beautiful heart. As their eyes met, she awkwardly tried to look away, and he slid his hand across her cheek.
“Promise me you won’t hold back when you’re with me anymore. While I was painting, I was thinking about you. Your face, your voice, your heart… I love all of it.”
“Gyeonseok…”
“Please, don’t hurt the one I love anymore… Will you love me back?”
“…But…”
Her eyes widened, and her brows furrowed. Soon, hot tears began to flow down her face, and Gyeonseok wiped them away with his thumb, smiling gently as he said, “Right?” She nodded with a tear-streaked face, a smile slowly forming at the corners of her lips. Their lips met. Gyeonseok knew it was unfair to do this at this moment, but still—his only desire was to tell her how much he loved her, so he kissed her over and over again. Pulling back, he let out a long breath as Hyunju sniffled. As he gently brushed the hair clinging to her tear-streaked face, he stroked her cheek again.
“…You’re so cute, Hyunju.”
“Geez… Gyeonseok, you’re being mean.”
“Because… truly— I thought you were beautiful, but you’re showing me this cute side of you.”
“…It’s because of you…!”
Hyunju’s face flushed red, and her long arms wrapped around Gyeonseok. As they were pulled into each other, they tumbled onto the sofa. Gyeonseok’s lips touched her tear-streaked eyes, gently kissing each tear, trailing down to her neck where her veins were visible.
“Mm…”
Hyunju let out a giggle, and Gyeonseok took her hand, leading it to his chest. Feeling his heartbeat pounding painfully, her hand began to gently caress it.
“Are you nervous?”
“…Haha, I think I might lose control because of you.”
“Hehe.”
With a soft laugh, Hyunju cupped his face in her hands and kissed him again. When she opened her eyes just a little, he saw her gaze through her wet lashes. As he sweetly bit her plump upper lip and tugged, a laugh escaped her again.
She lowered one leg from where it was draped over him and stood, lifting him up. Her hand slid over his thigh, through the fabric of his skirt, and she wrapped both arms around his neck as he kissed her nose. Her makeup, slightly smudged from the tears, was now even more precious to him.
“…I’m so lonely. I wish you wouldn’t leave this country.”
“Ah… well, that’s…”
“I want you to cherish your dream, but I also want you to meet Nayoung one day… My heart is all tangled up. I had forgotten how painful love can be…”
Hyunju, pulling him close again, let her cheek rest on his shoulder.
“This is the first time I’ve ever known love.”
“Hyunju…”
“Love isn’t one-sided… You taught me that.”
He heard her sniffle again. As he gently stroked her back, he could feel her slowly starting to calm.
“I… I hate the world that has hurt you.”
“…”
“The people who prey on the weaknesses of those who are desperately living… The ones who crowd around parades like fools… I hate the fate that forced my young daughter to fight illness, too.”
His fingers ran through her soft hair, and he could feel the heat of her tears through her clothes.
“But if even one of those things had been different, I would never have met you.”
“…Yeah.”
“Because you’re here, I… hehe, I think I’ve become a little stronger.”
“Ah! Me too…!”
As he held her tightly, the heat inside her overflowed as tears streamed down from her eyes. He could feel her breath and his own heartbeat.
“Hyunju… I love you.”
“Gyeonseok…”
“So it will be okay. Everything.”
When the day comes for Hyunju to meet Nayoung, will she accept her? Will she have the courage to push back against the prejudice she’s faced? When the day comes for her to leave this country, will he be able to smile and send her off? Perhaps life, filled with unending worries, will continue as it always has. But still, with her by his side—if he has a family to protect, everything will somehow work out.
He would hold onto her. To his shattered heart, and to their lives that would continue.