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Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng accidentally catches Lan Xichen stroking himself in a secluded corner of the Cloud Recesses.

LXC (unfazed, smirking): "Oh, Sect Leader Jiang… Never seen a man charm his snake before?" (winks)

JC (internally screaming): WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WALK IN ON—

LXC (still smirking, entirely unrepentant).

JC (flustered, backing away): "I—I apologize for the intrusion! By all means… stroke away to your hearts content." (quickly escapes before his brain combusts)

Dramatic Jiang Cheng: “I’m adding ‘never visit Cloud Recesses unsupervised’ to my sect rules.”

Unhinged LXC: “Would you like a demonstration, or—” (Jiang Cheng already sprinting into the distance)

Jiang Cheng (storming into the Jingshi, still twitching): “YOUR BROTHER IS A MENACE.”

Lan Wangji (calmly sipping tea): “Mn. Many say this.”

Wei Wuxian (grinning like a demon): “Wait, which brother— OH. OH NO. DID YOU SEE HIS SWORD—”

JC (grabbing Wei Wuxian by the collar): “I WILL END YOU—”

LXC (later, at dinner, smiling serenely): “Sect Leader Jiang, you seem… tense. Perhaps a meditation session would help?”

JC (choking on his soup): “YOU—!”

Lan Qiren (oblivious): “Xichen is so thoughtful.”

NHS (suddenly materializing): “Ohhh, is this why you’ve been avoiding the HANSHI, Jiang-xiong~?”

JC (midnight, unleashing Fairy in LXC’s room): “FETCH, DOG. DESTROY.”

LXC (mildly startled, but petting Fairy): “Good dog. Would you like to watch me—”

JC (bursting in): “DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE.”

Jin Ling (at a conference, dead-eyed): “Why is my jiujiu receiving love letters from Hanguang-jun’s brother?”

Ouyang Zizhen (dreamily): “It’s poetic. A storm and a breeze, entwined—”

Sizhui (politely on fire): “I’ll be in the Silent Room. Forever.”

JC (cornering LXC, Sandu sparking): “STOP WINKING AT ME IN PUBLIC.”

LXC (leaning in, whisper): “Make me.”

JC (brain short-circuiting): “…I hate you.”

LXC (grinning): “Liar.”

Wei Wuxian walks in on them mid-"sword polishing" and screams into the abyss while Lan Wangji calmly covers his eyes.

Chapter Text

Jin Ling (slamming a ledger on the table): "Alright, idiots. Place your bets—when will Jiujiu finally snap and either murder Zewu-jun or kiss him?"

Ouyang Zizhen (already scribbling poetry): "I give it three days. The tension is palpable."

Lan Jingyi (leaning in): "I say a week. Sect Leader Jiang’s denial is stronger than Hanguang-jun’s glare."

Lan Sizhui (face in hands): "We are all going to be executed."

Nie Huaisang (materializing out of nowhere, dropping a heavy bag of silver): "I’m betting on tonight. Jiang-xiong’s face was very red at lunch."

Jiang Cheng returns to his room to find:

A delicate jade snake statue (with a suspiciously phallic shape).

A book titled "The Art of Serene Relaxation" (the first page just says "Think of Me." in elegant calligraphy).

A jar of high-quality oil (labeled "For Sect Leader’s Sword Maintenance.").

JC (muttering, face burning): "I’m going to strangle him. Slowly."

Jin Ling (shoving Jiang Cheng toward the gentian house): "Just talk to him! I can’t take the unresolved tension anymore!"

Jiang Cheng (digging his heels in): "I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS—"

Lan Xichen (opening the door, smiling): "Ah, Sect Leader Jiang. Here to polish swords together?"

Jin Ling (immediately fleeing): "MY WORK HERE IS DONE."

JC (glaring, arms crossed): "Stop sending me ridiculous gifts."

LXC (tilting head): "Oh? Which one did you dislike? The snake, the book, or the—"

JC (exploding): "ALL OF THEM!"

LXC (soft smile): "Then… would you prefer personal lessons instead?"

JC (short-circuiting): "…You’re impossible."

LXC (laughing, pulling him inside): "And yet, you’re still here."

Jin Ling (smug, collecting his winnings): "Told you it’d be tonight."

Lan Jingyi (horrified): "I did not need to hear Zewu-jun giggling—"

Ouyang Zizhen (weeping): "It’s beautiful."

Lan Sizhui (already halfway to Lanling): "I am never returning to Cloud Recesses."

Nie Huaisang (fanning himself): "Ah, young love~ Next bet: wedding date?"

Bonus Crack:

Wei Wuxian finds out and immediately starts planning the world’s most inappropriate wedding.

Lan Qiren does not notice anything (too busy judging Wei Wuxian’s handwriting).

Jiang Cheng threatens everyone’s lives, but he’s also blushing, so no one takes him seriously.

(The morning after Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen’s… activities… the juniors gather in the courtyard, shell-shocked.)

Lan Jingyi (blank stare): "I… I didn’t know Sect Leader Jiang could make those noises."

Jin Ling (violently scrubbing his ears with a qiankun pouch): "I’m disowning myself. I’ll join the Nie sect."

Ouyang Zizhen (dazed, clutching his poetry journal): "It was… artistic."

Lan Sizhui (kneeling, praying to the ancestors): "Please erase my memory."

Nie Huaisang (suddenly appearing behind them, fan fluttering): "Oh, my dear juniors~ Would you like to see my sketches of last night’s inspiration?"

Jin Ling (horrified): "NO—"

(Nie Huaisang’s secret studio is filled with detailed artwork of Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen in… compromising positions.)

One painting is titled "The Serpent and the Storm: A Study in Passion."

Another is a mechanical pop-up book (Wei Wuxian may have helped engineer it).

A life-sized tapestry hangs in the corner (Jiang Cheng’s expression is particularly vivid).

Nie Huaisang (cheerfully): "I call this series Elegance Meets Fury! Limited-edition prints available for discreet buyers~"

Lan Jingyi (whispering): "Why is there lace in that one?!"

Jin Ling (grabbing a fire talisman): "I’m burning this place down."

(Jiang Cheng kicks open Nie Huaisang’s door, Sandu crackling.)

JC (roaring): "NIE HUAISANG, YOU PEACOCK-BRAINED—"*

NHS (hiding behind a folding screen): "Jiang-xiong! Think of it as cultural preservation!"

LXC (entering calmly, but eyes glinting): "Ah. I rather like the one with the silk ropes."

JC (turning purple): "YOU ENABLED THIS?!"

NHS (peeking out): "He modeled for it!"

JC (drawing Sandu): "I WILL SKIN YOU BOTH—"

(Later, Lan Xichen somehow convinces Jiang Cheng that revenge is better served… privately.)

LXC (pinning Jiang Cheng to a wall): "You could always punish me instead."

JC (growling): "I hate you." (immediately kissing him)

Wei Wuxian (passing by outside, hands over Lan Wangji’s ears): "LA-LA-LA, CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING—"

Epilogue: The Cultivation World’s New Nightmare

Jin Ling starts carrying earplugs at all times.

Nie Huaisang auctions off the art to very interested parties (Jin Guangyao’s ghost even places a bid).

Lan Qiren stumbles upon a sketch and faints dramatically (Wei Wuxian frames it).

Jiang Cheng swears vengeance but is distracted every time Lan Xichen wears that one robe.

Chapter Text

(A mysterious book appears in the GusuLan library, titled: "Cultivation Partners: Advanced Techniques (Featuring a Furious Storm & a Serene Breeze)"

Wei Wuxian (grinning like a demon): "Lan Zhan! Look! I used scientific research to improve marital harmony!"

Lan Wangji (reading a page, ears red): "…Mn. Accurate."

Jiang Cheng (storming in, book in hand, vein throbbing): "WHO ILLUSTRATED THIS WITH MOVABLE PARTS?!"

Nie Huaisang (hiding behind a pillar): "Not me! …Okay, maybe me."

Bonus Crack:

The book becomes a cult hit among rogue cultivators.

Jin Ling finds a copy and burns it, but not before Sizhui memorizes a page.

(LXC, inspired by NHS’s art, starts marking JC where everyone can see.)

During a sect meeting:

Jin Ling (noticing the hickey on Jiang Cheng’s collarbone): "Jiujiu, why is there a—"

JC (choking on tea): "SPIDER BITE."

LXC (sipping tea, serene): "A very persistent spider."

Nie Huaisang (whispering to Wei Wuxian): "I bet 50 silver it’s lower tomorrow."

Fluff Payoff:

Jiang Cheng finally snaps, dragging LXC into an alley: "You want people to know?! Fine." (proceeds to bite back.)

Lan Xichen’s delighted laugh echoes through Cloud Recesses.

(A sign on the door reads: "Survivors of Sect Leaders’ Scandalous Behavior – Meetings Every Tuesday.")

Jin Ling (head in hands): "I heard moaning from the library. The LIBRARY."

Lan Jingyi (traumatized): "I just wanted one quiet place to study!"

Ouyang Zizhen (writing furiously): "This is gold for my next novel—"

Lan Sizhui (blank stare): "I’m moving to the Nie sect."

Nie Huaisang (bursting in with snacks): "Oh, don’t stop on my account~"

Bonus Crack:

Wei Wuxian tries to join (to "share tips") and gets thrown out.

Lan Qiren accidentally walks in, hears the words "silken ropes", and faints again.

Jiang Cheng (holding Sandu, surrounded by chaos): "I’m blaming ALL OF YOU."

Lan Xichen (wrapping an arm around his waist): "Even me?"

JC (grudgingly leaning in): "…Especially you."

Wei Wuxian (yelling from a rooftop): "WEDDING NEXT WEEK! I ALREADY INVITED EVERYONE!"

Jin Ling (sobbing into Fairy’s fur): "Why is this my life?"

Chapter Text

(Wei Wuxian, being the absolute menace he is, has planned a "small" wedding. Key features include:)

A "Guess How They Met" game (Nie Huaisang’s answer: "Charming his snake~" gets immediately burned by Jin Ling)

Lan Xichen arriving late on purpose (wearing only his forehead ribbon under a robe, just to watch Jiang Cheng combust)

Lan Jingyi’s "Toast": "To Sect Leader Jiang, who finally learned to—" (Jiang Cheng throws a chili at his face)

Jin Ling’s Revenge: He hires a dozen musicians to play only Jiang Cheng’s least favorite songs (on loop)

Bonus Crack:

Lan Qiren accidentally gets drunk and starts crying about "how far Gusu’s purity has fallen" (Wei Wuxian records it for blackmail).

Nie Huaisang auctions off "front-row seats" to watch the wedding night (Jiang Cheng finds out).

NHS’S "LIMITED EDITION" SCROLL – AND JIANG CHENG’S SHAMEFUL PURCHASE

(Nie Huaisang unveils his most scandalous artwork yet: a gold-embossed scroll series titled "The Storm’s Surrender: A Study in Silk and Moans".)

Jiang Cheng (at midnight, in a dark cloak): "One. Just one scroll. And if you tell anyone—"

Nie Huaisang (grinning): "Oh Jiang-xiong, I knew you’d appreciate art~" (slides him Scroll #4: "The Library Incident")

Lan Xichen (finding it later): "Ah. I see you’ve acquired… reference material."

JC (flushing): "SHUT UP. IT’S FOR BURNING." (He does not burn it.)

Smutty Payoff:

LXC recreates Scroll #4 in the actual library (Jin Ling walks in, screams, and joins a nunnery).

(Fed up, Lan Qiren takes drastic measures:)

For Jiang Cheng: The most boring, rule-obsessed Lan disciple (who monologues about guqin tuning for 3 hours).

For Lan Xichen: A Nie sect brute who challenges him to arm-wrestle mid-tea ceremony.

Their Reactions:

JC (dead-eyed): "I’d rather marry Wei Wuxian."

LXC (cheerful): "Ah, but I only enjoy one stormy man." (winks at Jiang Cheng)

Wei Wuxian (gasping): "JIANG CHENG! WAS THAT A LOVE CONFESSION?!"

Fluff Bomb:

Jiang Cheng, finally snapping, drags LXC to the Ancestral Hall and kisses him in front of everyone.

Lan Qiren faints. Again.

(The newly formed "Unwilling Witnesses Support Group" holds an emergency session:)

Jin Ling: "I saw Jiujiu carry Zewu-jun. Over his shoulder. Like a sack of rice."

Lan Sizhui: "At least… they’re happy?" (silent weeping)

Ouyang Zizhen: "I’ve written eight new poems. They’re… graphic."

Lan Jingyi: "I need holy water."

EPILOGUE:

Nie Huaisang publishes a tell-all memoir ("How I Matchmade the Century").

Wei Wuxian starts a podcast reviewing NHS’s art (Jiang Cheng tries to sue him).

Lan Wangji (finally snapping): "No more. Ever." (bans all romance-related talk in Cloud Recesses)

Jiang Cheng & Lan Xichen: Missing for a week (their disciples refuse to look for them).

Chapter Text

BREAKING NEWS: THE CULTIVATION WORLD TIMES

~ YOUR #1 SOURCE FOR SCANDAL, GOSSIP, AND QUESTIONABLE MORAL CHOICES ~

EXCLUSIVE: SANDU SHENGSHOU SPOTTED BUYING "SWORD MAINTENANCE SUPPLIES" – A SHOCKING INVESTIGATION

By our roguishly handsome (and totally unbiased) Chief Gossip Master, Nie Huaisang

Gusu City – Eyewitnesses were shooketh yesterday when Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin, famed for his eternal rage and purple fashion sense, was seen purchasing "high-grade sword polish" (wink wink) from a discreet artisan shop in Gusu. Our undercover reporter (Wei Wuxian, who was definitely not just lurking) confirms: The polish was lily-scented.

KEY DETAILS:

The shopkeeper, when questioned, muttered: "He looked… intense. Also, he blushed when I recommended the jade applicator."

Lan Xichen was seen loitering outside, smiling like a man who knew exactly what that polish was for.

Jin Ling, upon hearing the news, immediately combusted and was last seen running toward the Unclean Realm.

EXPERT ANALYSIS (i.e., Wei Wuxian’s Drunken Ramblings)

"This is historic. Jiang Cheng hasn’t polished anything since he was 17! Wait—no, that came out wrong—LAN ZHAN, STOP COVERING MY MOUTH—"

PUBLIC REACTION

Lan Qiren: "I REFUSE TO COMMENT." (Proceeds to faint onto a nearby bench.)

Jiang Cheng: "THE NEXT PERSON WHO ASKS ABOUT THIS DIES." (He then stormed off… toward the HANSHI. Hmm.)

Nie Huaisang: "I’ve already commissioned 12 paintings of this moment. Bidding starts at 500 silver."

WHAT’S NEXT?

Speculation: Is this part of a secret courtship? A midlife crisis? A very elaborate assassination plot?

Upcoming Events: The annual Cultivation Conference just got a lot more interesting. Bring your own fans (to hide your face or your giggles).

DISCLAIMER

*The Cultivation World Times is not responsible for:

Sect Leader Jiang’s murder attempts.

Lan Xichen’s disturbingly serene smirk.

The emotional damage inflicted upon the juniors.

(We are, however, responsible for selling commemorative merch. Visit Nie-xiong’s stall!)*

FUTURE ARTICLES:

"Wei Wuxian Launches ‘Love Advice’ Podcast: First Guest? Lan Xichen."

"Jin Ling Files for Sect Leader Bankruptcy After Trauma Therapy Bills."

"Breaking: Lan Wangji Bans All Eye Contact in Cloud Recesses."

LAST NOTE: If you enjoyed this hard-hitting journalism, please bribe Nie Huaisang for the uncensored sketches. Justice for the people’s right to gossip!

~ THE CULTIVATION WORLD TIMES: KEEPING IT DRAMATIC SINCE THE SUNSHOT CAMPAIGN ~😏🔥

💥 BREAKING NEWS UPDATE 💥

~ THE CULTIVATION WORLD TIMES: NOW WITH 300% MORE CHAOS ~

EXCLUSIVE SEQUEL: "THE GREAT LIBRARY INCIDENT" – FULL REPORT (AND DENIALS)

By Nie Huaisang (who definitely wasn’t hiding in the shelves with a sketchbook)

Cloud Recesses – What started as a quiet evening of scholarly research turned into the most scandalous library visit in GusuLan history when Sect Leaders Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen were allegedly caught in Section 69 (yes, really) engaging in… ahem… "advanced dual cultivation techniques."

EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY (Lan Jingyi, traumatized):

"I JUST WANTED A BOOK ON TALISMANS. INSTEAD, I SAW— [redacted] —AND NOW I NEED LIFE TALISMANS."

KEY DETAILS (PURE GOLD):

The "incident" involved:

A toppled bookshelf (classic).

A half-unraveled forehead ribbon (scandalous).

Jiang Cheng’s legendary shout: "THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU—" (censored for decency).

Lan Wangji, upon investigating the noise, turned on his heel and left without a word. (Rumor: He burned his boots afterward.)

Wei Wuxian later donated 100 copies of "The Art of War" to the library "for morale."

OFFICIAL STATEMENTS (LIES):

Lan Xichen: "We were… meditating." (Smirking.)

Jiang Cheng: "I WAS MURDERING HIM." (Flushed.)

Nie Huaisang: "I’ve already painted it life-sized." (Fan flutter.)

PUBLIC REACTION (CHAOS):

Jin Ling: "I’m changing my name and moving to the mortal world."

Lan Qiren: Reportedly drank an entire jar of Emperor’s Smile and screamed "WHY??" at the moon.

Ouyang Zizhen: "This is the romance of the century." (Immediately tackled by Jin Ling.)

MERCH ALERT!

Limited Edition "Library Incident" Collectibles:

"Silk Bookmark of Shame" (Stained purple allegedly by Sandu).

"Jade Hairpin of Denial" ("Not for dual cultivation!" – Jiang Cheng, probably).

Nie Huaisang’s Sketchbook: "Lust in the Stacks" (Pre-order now! Discreet shipping.)

WHAT’S NEXT?

Wei Wuxian’s Podcast Episode: "Library Acoustics: A Review" (Guest: Lan Jingyi, sobbing).

Jin Ling’s Lawsuit: Attempting to criminalize public displays of affection (specifically targeting "elders with no shame").

Lan Xichen’s New Book: "Serenity Amidst the Storm: A Guide to Not Getting Caught."

DISCLAIMER (AGAIN):

*The Cultivation World Times is not liable for:

Spontaneous combustion of readers.

Lan Qiren’s descent into alcoholism.

Jiang Cheng’s murder spree (but we’ll report on it glowingly).*

💌 FINAL MESSAGE FROM YOUR CHIEF GOSSIPER:

"Want more? Vote now: Should we investigate the Gentian House ‘Private Lessons’ or Wei Wuxian’s ‘Recreation’ of the Incident in the Jingshi?

~ KEEPING YOU INFORMED (AND HORRIFIED) SINCE FOREVER ~

📢 BREAKING NEWS SUPPLEMENT 📢

~ THE CULTIVATION WORLD TIMES: YOUR DOSE OF SCANDAL & SHAMELESS MERCH ~

📜 FAKE AD: "LAN-GRADE SOUNDPROOF TALISMANS™"

~ Because ‘Silence is Golden’ (And Your Sect Leader is Loud) ~

Tired of accidentally overhearing… private cultivation techniques?

Embarrassed when your juniors ask what that noise was?

Lan Qiren-approved? Absolutely not.

INTRODUCING: The first-ever soundproof talisman designed specifically for discreet romantic activities (or violent pillow fights—we don’t judge).

FEATURES:

✅ Blocks 100% of moans, growls, and "I’ll kill you, Lan Xichen!"
✅ Elegant design (matches GusuLan aesthetics—unlike your love life).
✅ Bonus: Comes with free "Do Not Disturb" door plaque (Jiang Cheng edition: "Enter and Die").

TESTIMONIALS:

"Saved my sanity!" – Lan Jingyi (Junior Survivor Support Group President)

"I bought ten. Burn the rest." – Jin Ling (Traumatized Nephew™)

"Why does this exist?" – Lan Qiren (Pouring Emperor’s Smile into his morning tea)

ORDER NOW!

Visit Nie Huaisang’s "Totally Legit" Stall (back alley behind the Unclean Realm).

Supplies limited—just like your dignity!

📖 JIN LING’S LEAKED DIARY ENTRY (CONFISCATED BY WEI WUXIAN)

~ "A Sect Leader’s Despair" ~

Date: The Worst Day of My Life

Title: "Why Must Jiujiu’s Love Life Be Everyone’s Problem?"

"Dear Universe,

Why. Why me? First, I walk in on that in the library. Then, Da-jiu starts a podcast about it. Now, Nie-zongzhu is selling action figures??

I tried to ban public kissing at Koi Tower, but Ouyang Zizhen called me a ‘repressed romantic’ and Sizhui nodded. Betrayal.

Today, Jiujiu stormed in with another hickey and yelled, ‘IT’S A RASH.’ LIES. Lan Xichen was smirking behind him like a smug jade statue.

I’m resigning. I’ll herd sheep. Sheep don’t polish swords in sacred spaces.

– Jin Ling, Future Hermit

P.S. If I hear one more poem about ‘stormy passion,’ I’m jumping into the nearest waterfall."*

📰 FINAL HEADLINE TEASER (NEXT EDITION):

"WEI WUXIAN’S PUPPET SHOW: THE LIBRARY INCIDENT, BUT WITH STRING"

Guest starring: Lan Wangji as the ‘Silent Judge’ (and Jiang Cheng’s flying sandal).

💌 CLOSING NOTE FROM YOUR GOSSIP OVERLORDS:

"Remember, folks: Love is chaos. Chaos sells. And Nie Huaisang always gets his cut."

~ THE CULTIVATION WORLD TIMES: KEEPING YOU INFORMED (AND TRAUMATIZED) SINCE [REDACTED] ~

P.P.S. Want personalized merch? Send your most scandalous moment to Nie Huaisang—50% off if it features a sect leader! 😘🔥