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Should you ever find yourself stuck in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging.
It's probably safe to say that most people don't know anything about this basic principle, much less enough to try and use it effectively.
Jax wasn't any different, in fact, he might have been the best example in the circus for following the well known rules of insanity; to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. He didn't really think that changing anything about himself was worth the effort it would take to feel even… remotely tolerated by the rest of the cast.
Much to the detriment of his mental issues and the relationships he had with all the characters that lived with you in what was effectively Hell.
Usually, Jax would be hanging out with everyone else, somewhere on the main floor or on one of the couches. But after today's adventure, he seemed to just disappear.
And the “disappearing” part was certainly an understatement. He already seemed bothered during today's adventure, which involved a lot of teamwork. After you guys both walked back into the circus through the portal, you were pulled aside by Ragatha to be told something before you could actually check on Jax.
Eventually you had forgotten about the whole thing, distracted by the activities of the others and figuring he'd probably turn up at some point.
Well, that was up until now when you realized it was reaching the end of the day and you still haven't seen Jax anywhere. That concern led you to the door of his bedroom, the place he usually retreated to whenever he was overwhelmed.
“Jax? Jax, hello?”
You called out for him, your voice full of worry as your hand knocked on his door with a gentle tap tap tap.
Of course, his bedroom wasn't the first place you checked. You had looked in the main lobby and in the playroom, even on top of the jungle gym. But after no luck in those places, you figured he had to be in here.
You stepped back and waited in front of his bedroom door, hands fidgeting anxiously to your chest.
Nothing.
A frown painted itself on your face, and you sighed, annoyed, yet worried. You knocked again, this time a bit more firmly. Glancing down on the floor, you noticed the lights were off in his room, which was odd.
“Jax, it's me,” you tried, relaying your name in hopes he'd open up if he realized it was you. After the second round of silence, you started to get annoyed. This time, you stood close to the door, listening for any signs of life coming from inside his room.
Still, silence.
You sighed. “Jax please… I'm coming in, okay?”
You waited again for a few moments for a response. Any response…
But no. Still, nothing.
With a tired huff, you placed a hand on the doorknob and tried it. Surprisingly, it was unlocked, which made you shoot your eyebrows up in surprise. Did he do this on purpose?
It wasn't typical for him to leave his door unlocked. He was actually quite careful about keeping it locked all the time, despite how much you thought he trusted you.
Out of everyone else, anyway.
“Jax—?” You paused, your eyes widening slightly. “Wh…What… Hello?”
Standing at the doorway, your eyes settled where you were expecting him to be. The only source of light that revealed anything was from the hallway outside.
It faintly illuminated an empty bed with the blankets tossed aside. The fabric spilled onto the floor a little, thrown away in a hurry it seems. You could almost trace his path of destruction through the items carelessly tossed around and pushed aside. So your eyes scanned every corner of the room, but there was no sign of the rabbit.
He wasn't here.
You stared at the empty mattress, baffled. This made no sense. You looked everywhere.
Was he hiding somewhere in here?
Reaching a finger for the light switch, you flicked on the lights and took a few steps forward into his bedroom. You knew he'd kill you if he knew you were in there, but you were determined to know what was going on.
You looked around.
The nightstand was shoved out of place, and the lamp that used to rest on top of it was knocked over on the floor. The glass from the lightbulb in it was shattered and spread everywhere in the direction it was knocked off. Various other items littered the ground, some garbage and, strangely, some clothing too.
Before you could take a step inside, you saw a pale pink pillow laying just before your feet.
Your eyes blinked in confusion, and you lifted your gaze to observe another pillow laying against the closet on the floor. Jax must have thrown these during his fit, you thought, and carefully picked up the pillow in front of you to go and put it back on his bed.
You fluffed it a bit and gently placed it back on the mattress, then glanced back
at the rest of the mess.
Your eyes darted around the room in search of any signs of him, but there was no place that was big enough for him to be hiding here. You also would have heard him shift around by now, because it was dead silent in here. Just to double check, you ducked and checked under the bed, only to find absolutely nothing again. Wherever he was right now, he must have left his room in a fit of anger and messed it up before exiting it.
Sighing quietly in defeat, you took a seat on his bed, clasping your hands in your lap and deciding to just wait for him to return. You looked around his bedroom.
God, everything was such a mess.
If you tried to do anything else to clean up a little, he would for sure know you were snooping around in here.
You kept staring at the rest of the pillows on the floor, your eyes tired and dejected. In an effort to do something nice, and so you wouldn't die of boredom while you waited, you got up and gathered all the pillows strewn about in his bedroom.
Each one was a different colour, matching his colour palette. There was a pastel purple one, a pastel yellow one, a dark coral pink one, and then there was the lighter pink one that you picked up earlier.
They were kinda cute, you thought, the colours of his bedroom. Probably not to his taste, but it did add some softness to the edge of his personality, despite the colours not having been chosen by himself.
You placed each pillow back in its place, smoothing out the wrinkles and briefly admiring your work. Then, to complete the bed a bit more, you grabbed the blanket that was halfway down the bed and touching the floor, and flapped it in the air to smoothen it out.
You gently laid it back on his bed, smoothing it out with the palms of your hands and patting it a bit. It was one of the fluffy kinds with a picture of a purple rabbit printed on it.
That made you smile a bit to yourself.
Alright, well, that's probably enough for today. He didn't turn up so far, so it was useless to stay and potentially get in trouble. And so, you pushed yourself away from his bed to go and walk out the door, hoping that maybe he'll turn up tomorrow. You gripped the door handle, ready to leave, but your eyes shifted back to the state of his room.
An overwhelming part of you wanted to stay. What if he was planning on abstracting? Where was he right now? What got him this angry? Is his room always this messy?
Is there anything you can do to help him feel a bit more cared for…? You didn't want him to come back to a messy room and feel even worse for having ruined his only safe space.
Your gaze hung low, the options weighing in your mind.
…@$&# it. At least you could be doing something nice for him if he wasn't going to show his face.
You pulled yourself back up and began to walk around, picking up anything that was thrown or dropped and putting it back in its rightful place.
One by one, you decluttered his bedroom in any way you could. You pushed the night stand against the wall and set the lamp back on. You grabbed the wire of the lamp and plugged it back into the wall, then picked up the fallen lampshade and set it back on. You picked up whatever paraphernalia he had on the floors and set it back on the dresser.
Then your eyes caught your reflection as you were cleaning, making you pause and stare back at the dresser’s mirror. In some odd way, you also felt like you were staring straight into his eyes as well.
Here you were, occupying such an intimate space of his, picking up all his stuff with the gentlest of touches, making sure that even through his angry breakdown he can still come back to a safe space in the end.
God…What the hell were you doing…?
You looked down at your hand, realizing that you were holding a small stuffed animal. A brown teddy bear, very generic, and, with a gentle squeeze, it squeaked in your hand. Part of you wondered why he even had all this stuff. What was the story behind all these objects? None of them made any sense to you, they all seemed like such random things to collect.
On the wall hung a purple striped key, a pile of rope, and a small name tag. The name tag had “I don't care” written on it instead of Jax's name, which made you giggle to yourself, but it wasn't any less confusing.
None of these items had any relationship to the other. There were also some pebbles, a barber shop pole, a bicycle wheel, a baseball cap, just completely random things that—
These must be collections of things from past adventures, you suddenly realized to yourself, stepping closer to the wall and gazing at all the souvenirs he's collected the past few years he had been stuck here. A soft smile grew on your face, you didn't know that he cared this much.
You reached up and gently placed the bear onto one of the shelves, then stepped back to admire his collection.
He was always so cynical about everything that it was almost heart-warming to see that he really did care about all these memories. But… Why hide them…?
Next to the bear on the shelf sat a blue marble-patterned bowling ball, and a drawing of him. Wait, was that by—
“What. Are. You. Doing. Here.”
Your heart dropped and you gasped sharply, whipping to face exactly who you were expecting. Your stomach sank, and your pupils tightened. Something was preventing you from speaking, all you could do was stay frozen and stare back at him like a deer in headlights.
Jax looked not only shocked to see you standing in here, but pissed. His hand gripped the doorknob tighter and tighter as the realization that you were messing about in here settled into his chest. His eyes narrowed as he bared his teeth.
You tried to say something. Anything. “Jax—”
“Get out.”
You immediately shut your lips, your words getting stuck in your throat. You wanted to sputter out an explanation, but his voice only got louder and more stern, and you sank into yourself.
“Didn’t I tell you that you were never allowed to come in here?” he stated venomously, getting increasingly agitated as you refused to move from your frozen state. His arm trembled as he gripped the door knob. “I said get out.”
Jax opened the door all the way and stepped into his bedroom. You saw his tiny pupils briefly dart to his bed. His expression threatened to soften, but he kept it at its tight anger that he was already displaying.
He moved his finger to point to the hallway, glaring daggers at you.
“Out. Now.”
Your soft, worried eyes met his stern and golden ones. Pupils so small they might as well not be there. You had never seen him look so angry before.
Your lips parted, and you wanted to stammer out an explanation as best as you could. But you knew that at this point, you should just leave him alone. Jax was the type of person to demand space when he wanted it and demand it stubbornly.
“...Right,” you murmured, hanging your head low in shame and rubbing your arm. Jax's eyes never wavered, his mouth in a thin line as he carefully watched you make your way out of his room.
Before you could turn back to look at him again, the door slammed loudly in your face, startling the lights out of you. You heard the doorknob lock, but nothing else.
…Well, you thought, your eyes watering in despair. You did what you could. He… He might just need some time to adjust and calm down.
Swallowing back your tears, and hanging your gaze low once more, you made your way back to your own room. You didn't feel like seeing anybody else right now, not in this state.
. . .
Jax locked his door furiously, gritting his teeth and breathing heaps and heaps of air into his digital lungs. The idea that you were there, staring at his space, touching his important objects, manipulating them with your hands and thoughts and subjecting your judgement to what he was like behind closed doors.
Literally.
A low growl escaped his chest as he tried to self soothe, gripping the doorknob with such a force of rage. He braced himself and whipped around to see the damage that you did to his room, he would never forgive you for…
Jax's rapid heartbeat pulsed in his head. His eyes darted from corner to corner, but his glare was faltering. Slowly, the cold adrenaline under his skin started to trickle down his chest, settling into his stomach, and spilling out of his feet. His pupils grew back from their shrunken state, and his expression fell ever so slightly.
The tension in his body started to loosen, and his hand slid off the doorknob. Jax felt his eyes begin to water, tears brimming at the edge of his eyelids. They blurred his vision, and shifted his expression to one of pure regret.
His room looked clean, better than usual. Everything was put away with such care, more than he ever gave to himself. That teddy bear had been on the floor for weeks, and now it was back in its proper place on his shelf, next to Kaufmo's bowling ball.
How did you know where it was supposed to go…?
Jax's back pressed against the door as his tears spilled down his cheeks. With them, he slowly slid down to sit on the floor, spilling into a puddle of shame. He curled his knees up against his chest and covered his face with his gloved hands.
And he sobbed. Quick, sharp breaths escaped him as he held back any sort of noise he could make. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the memory of what he just did to you after you showed such care to the most intimate parts of himself.
“@#&$...@#&$,” he cursed under his breath as he wept, tears staining his hands and overalls and wherever else they fell.
Here he was, throwing a tantrum at how unwanted he felt by everyone else he was forced to live with. Here he was, detesting himself so viciously that he threatened to kill anyone that tried to get close enough to make him change his mind.
Here he was, so stubborn about his own self hatred that he managed to drive away the last person who actually cared about him.
And now? Now, finally, he had no one.
Not even you.
Jax couldn't bear to look back up at his room, he couldn't bear to face how loved you tried to make him feel. His reaction to your kindness, the way he insisted on stabbing you straight in the chest for the mere crime of wanting to help him get better.
He didn't just bite the hand that fed him, he ripped it straight off the limb.
Guilt scratched in his ribcage like parasites trying to eat through his flesh. No matter how much he sobbed, his head still haunted him. His mind was punishing him for his own choices.
If there was any good reason Jax had to hate himself now, it was for this.
. . .
You stewed angrily in your bedroom, still thinking about what happened an hour ago between you and Jax. You spent so much time trying to get him to feel better and you only made him feel worse.
As terrible as you felt, you were also mad. How dare he react to you like that? Slamming the door in your face and scolding you like you were some child that was caught stealing cookies. Yeah he was an @$#hole but at least try and appreciate the work you put in for him!
…Something about that train of thought didn't sit well with you, and you found yourself calming down a little. It didn't take you long to find out why.
He didn't ask you to put his room back together. He didn't ask you to help him.
You violated his boundaries, even if you did it out of pure intentions. The guilt of that realization slowly began to eat you alive.
Your eyes hung low, staring at the details in the seams of your blanket. Your fingers fidgeted with each other as you sat there, cross legged. The journal that Gangle had given you laid next to you, still open to a blank page.
Your friends were kind. They were understanding and always tried to treat you warmly. However, in the back of your mind, you still felt conflicted and disconnected from them. Because of how they felt about Jax, and how they felt about you treating him kindly.
“@$#&ing hell…” you muttered to yourself, heaving a heavy sigh of exhaustion.
You knew you owed Jax an apology for messing around in his space. It was the least you could do, and it's been long enough that you figured he had to have calmed down by now. Those thoughts made you slowly start to uncurl from your wadded up state and climb off of your bed.
If there was anything that was going to get you out of here, it was correcting your own mistake and trying to mend the trust between you and your friend.
Your eyes crossed your reflection again, and you stared back. This reflection wasn't special, it was just your bedroom. You looked at these eyes and these walls every single day. They always stayed the same.
But right now, they held a level of exhaustion and fatigue you hadn't felt in a long time. Your lips hung in a neutral frown.
Shifting your gaze away again, you marched to your door and, without hesitation, opened it to leave your bedroom.
God, it’s so bright out here. These colours are a @#$&ing nightmare to the eyes.
Jax's room was only a few doors down from yours, and once you got there, you stood in front of the brown wooden door. You raised your knuckles, then hesitated.
You looked up at the image of him that hung at the top center, your hand hovering inches away from the wood.
You knocked.
Once, twice, and then you put your hands back clasped in front of you. You stared at the bottom of the door as you waited, fidgeting with your clothes. The lights were off, but you could tell there was some life inside because a faint glow came from the crack still, with a few shadows dancing around. He must have turned on the lamp.
The sound of a bed creaking was heard, then footsteps approaching from the other side.
Your heart jumped when the lights flicked on and the footsteps stopped before the door. But then there was a long stretch of silence that followed.
Did he know it was you? Did he hear the knocking at all?
After a few more seconds of nothing, you sighed quietly, figuring that maybe he just wanted to turn on the lights. You were about to lift a foot to turn back, then flinched when you heard the doorknob unlock and turn.
The door creaked softly as it was opened, revealing the tall lanky rabbit behind.
Jax stared down at you briefly, his pupils back to their neutral size, but he didn't look any less upset than he was before. His lips lay in the bottom center of his face, curled into a small frown.
He didn't say anything, and avoided your gaze.
You hesitated as well, looking back at him with parted lips. You inhaled and composed yourself up, pressing your eyes closed, then slowly let out a soft exhale.
“Jax…” you started, gripping your hands tighter, trying to find the words in your head again. Your gaze was loosely scanning the floor, and you saw his feet shift nervously when you spoke.
“Listen, I'm… I'm sorry,” you finally said, looking up at him with a shameful expression, but still avoiding eye contact as much as he did. “I… I just wanted to do something nice for you. I wanted to help you somehow, but…”
“It's fine.”
Your thoughts were interrupted by his sudden and blunt answer. You looked up at his eyes again, and he briefly glanced back at you before sighing as well.
Jax slowly opened the door wider and stepped aside, then made a gesture for you to come inside. He didn't want to have this conversation in the wide open space of the hallway, where anyone could catch him being vulnerable.
But he trusted you.
A confused expression crossed your face for a moment, but you shook it away and politely stepped into his bedroom. It was almost exactly the same as you had left it, except there was a noticeable indentation in the blankets where he was laying down in them, and the pillows were slightly out of place.
The door closed behind you, and Jax leaned on the doorknob, shifting his weight to the other hip. He looked uncomfortable, but not hostile.
“Um… It is?” you finally asked in a low whisper, breaking the awkward silence between you.
“Yeah,” Jax answered with an equally quiet tone. His hand fidgeted with the doorknob, and he seemed to be trying to find a way to make this conversation flow more naturally. But you could tell he was struggling with the words he wanted to say, even more than you were.
Jax was never good at apologies, neither from the receiving nor giving ends. He was never apologized to because nobody cared how he felt. He never apologized either, because what was the point of doing so when nobody cared how he felt.
Still, you wanted to say what was on your mind as you marched over here, and you stood up a little straighter so he could see you were being sincere.
“No, I violated a boundary of yours,” you stated, trying to find some confidence in your words through the anxiety in your chest. “I went into your bedroom without your permission, I touched your things and moved stuff around without your permission. I should have asked you first, Jax, I'm sorry I didn't—”
“Look,” Jax sighed heavily, scratching the top of his head and fiddling with his ears. He looked a little annoyed for a moment, rolling his eyes, then went back to just being tired. “It's fine, I already said it was fine. I don't care that you came in here, I was just having a rough day.”
You watched as he pulled himself away from the door and marched to his bed, throwing his tired ass on there and resting his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, grumbling softly to himself.
You awkwardly stood there for a couple seconds, then picked yourself up and followed him over, sitting next to him. You didn't really want to push his buttons regarding what you did, and decided to bring up a different subject you were curious about.
“...Where were you?” you asked, shifting yourself comfortably on the bed and putting your palms on the mattress. Your feet dangled in the air a few inches off the ground. “I looked everywhere for you."
Jax didn't answer that question at first, despite giving you a concerned look with narrowed eyes when you asked it. He shrugged and looked away, clasping his hands together in midair.
“Ragatha,” he answered, bouncing his leg as he thought about what he wanted to tell you. “I was… Arguing with her. About yesterday.”
“You mean during yesterday's adventure? When you—”
“Yeah, yeah, that,” Jax quickly dismissed, not wanting to hear that story again. He grumbled quietly to himself, still bouncing his leg. “I tried to apologize, but she's still mad at me. Which is whatever, y'know. Like she said at Spudsy's, she…”
His expression darkened more than it already was, and his voice had trailed off. He stared at his hands, his fingers holding each other, and he let go of the tension.
“She hates me.”
The silence stretched over you both like a long drag of a cigarette. For a few moments, all you could hear was the sound of silence between the both of you.
Jax sighed, breaking the silence. He chuckled cynically under his breath, feeling his eyes water again.
“Then again, who doesn't?” He scratched his arm, grinning, but the smile didn't meet his eyes. “I did this to myself. I don't even think I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself anymore.”
You weren't expecting this sudden piece of information, much less have Jax trauma-dump anything to you at all. You honestly thought that he was going to be yelling angrily at you about how much you betrayed his trust or how you ruined everything or something.
“Why… Why are you still here?” Jax asked you, turning to look at you with both confused and exasperated eyes. He suddenly seemed to pin his frustration on you, and it made you flinch back.
You looked back up at him, feeling a little tense. “I um… I-I can leave—”
“No,” he spoke firmly, lifting a leg and setting it on his bed. He was now almost facing you, one of his legs still touching the floor. “I mean why are you here? Why did you do all of this? Why do you care?”
Jax gestured around at his bedroom, then at you, as if he was accusing you of something heinous. His voice got a little louder, like he was trying to sound betrayed but all that came out was confusion. “Why are you still so kind to me, despite everything I did to you? I don't understand, Y/N. Why?”
You flinched back with the accusation, surprised. A few moments passed by as he glared at you, waiting for an answer. His scowl was intimidating, and it made you shrink back, not wanting to face him.
Jax noticed your nervous reaction to his scolding, and his expression softened a bit. He didn't want to scare you, but he couldn't help it.
The silence was loud, and it was obvious Jax wasn't going to break it any time soon. The most obvious answer came to your mind first, because you didn't know what other answer he was expecting.
“B-Because we're… Friends…?” you finally murmured, staring up at him with a look of concerned confusion. You just shrugged when he didn't seem to understand your answer, gesturing with your hands as you spoke. “I…I really don't know what you want me to say,” you continued with a small, scared voice. “I care about you, that's about as deep as it goes.”
A sharp laugh broke your train of thought, and you cast your gaze up at his derisive expression.
“You care about me?” Jax echoed sarcastically, his grin falling again to form a disgusted expression.
Ouch.
“That's it? You just care? What are you, a Disney Princess?” he grunted with taunting chuckle, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.”
You sighed and growled a little to yourself, unappreciative of his bitchiness and scolding you like you were some kid who didn't understand anything about the real world. His attitude soured your mood, whatever sympathy you had for the rabbit was now dwindling in the single digits.
You crossed your arms, breaking eye contact with him.
“Okay, whatever,” you retorted with a roll of your eyes. “Yeah, I should go and @#$& myself. For wanting you to feel loved and appreciated.”
“Yeah, you should, you know why?” Jax started before you rudely cut him off.
“Y'know what, Jax? Maybe there's a reason Ragatha hates you. Maybe there's a reason everyone hates you,” you snapped coldly, getting off his bed. You whipped around to face him, and jabbed a finger straight into his chest.
“And that reason is that you are a jerk who refuses to change, refuses to accept help or kindness or any attempt to reach out and be friends with you. So if that's the case, you're right! Why am I still here?”
Jax stared back at you with wide eyes and shrunken pupils. He wanted to feel offended, he wanted to snap back at you, but there was this coldness in your eyes that rendered him defenseless. It was almost uncanny, considering how kind and friendly you were all the time to everyone.
“Because if you ask me, this is exactly what you want, right?” you continued when he didn't respond, turning your back to him and pressing your eyes closed briefly to prevent any tears from forming. You clenched your fist and your jaw with an equal amount of pressure, holding yourself from turning back to him.
You whipped your hand behind you like you were tossing a piece of trash.
“Have fun stewing in your own anger and bitterness, Jax. See if I care.”
Jax watched you storm out of his room, flinching when you slammed the door behind you. The sound echoed in his ears.
A cold wash of shame spilled all over his freezing skin. He tried to curl up and hug himself to keep warm, but the feeling remained, making his teeth chatter.
In that moment, it finally clicked in his head why your anger hit him harder than Ragatha's or Gangle's.
Because with them, it was personal. They wanted to hurt him the way he hurt them. Because they would still talk to him the next day like everything was normal.
But you…?
Your anger…?
It was cold, calculated indifference. It wasn't revenge, it was worse.
It was apathy.
You didn't care about him anymore.
And that hurt more than anything.