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Kacey never thought of himself as a jealous man. He’s just… cautious. He’s cautious of men. He’s cautious of their eyes, anxious about what their brains may be conjuring up when they look at his wife. She was the talk of the school the day she first stepped on campus. Her cute American phrases said in that common American accent caught the attention of many. Kacey was more entranced by her physical beauty than her rarity.
Of course, though, they’re back in America. Karen’s not very special upon just seeing her. She sounds and looks like every other woman you’d see on a bus ride or in your local JCPenney store. She’s still wonderful, if you get to know her.
Though if you were to ask Kacey about such qualities, he’d have to lie. Karen isn’t maternal. She only asks Kacey about his day to fill the silence over dinner. She’ll do the dishes sometimes, and some nights she orders takeout. Karen never spends time with Kacey in the kitchen. The man often finds himself washing the laundry, his eyes always lingering on the yoga pants. Karen initiates arguments, knowing Kacey will back down first. The same goes for sex.
Though, for the past six months or so, Karen hasn’t been as demanding. She seems to have calmed down somewhat, and that confuses Kacey. For years, Karen would push him into bed and ask Kacey to have sex. It was like she suddenly stopped desiring him. Does that happen?
Did Kacey do something to disappoint her? Kacey would ask if he could fix this, but, honestly, he’s relieved. He didn’t have to worry about waking up exhausted or nursing on his whiskey to help him sleep. His showers became peaceful once again.
But it still made him wonder. What sparked this change?
One day, he got his answer. He and Karen were sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Kacey was watching TV, keeping an ear out for the oven timer, while Karen paid more attention to her phone. He would glance at her now and then, and there’d be a wide smile on her face. She’d bite her fingernails and then type away.
Was one of her girlfriends making her smile like that? What could another woman possibly say to get such an excited reaction? One that Kacey feels he hasn’t seen in months. A knock at the door broke her expression, changing to a light surprise.
“I’ll go see,” she said quietly, carelessly tossing her phone to the side. It lands on the cushion between the two of them as she stands up to go answer the door. Kacey can’t help but let his gaze shift to the phone. The screen was black.
“Okay, thank you!” Karen says. Glancing up, Kacey sees his wife waving at the delivery man walking away. Karen squats down to pick up the multiple packages left at the doorway.
Oh, the phone screen lit up. Two text messages pop up in a row. Karen carries the packages inside. She sets them on the bench next to the entryway and then closes the door before locking it. Her back was turned just long enough for Kacey to read the messages.
His eyes widen, and the air is punched out of his lungs. They weren’t friendly and platonic, they were downright vulgar. Kacey immediately changes back to his original position, staring ahead at the TV with this new information stuck in his head.
The phone screen turns black again by the time she gets back to the couch. She drops onto the couch with a heavy sigh. Kacey glances at the stack of packages by the door.
“What’d you get?” Kacey manages to get out, though his voice cracks.
“Just some clothes from online,” she responds cheerfully, happy with her purchase. Some was an understatement if the size of those packages meant anything. Karen loved spoiling herself. Kacey watches Karen through his peripheral vision as she eagerly picks up her phone and grins at it again. Fuck.
The timer goes off in the kitchen, and Kacey immediately stands up. Karen types away on her phone, and Kacey tries not to vomit on his way to the oven. His stomach has completely flipped over, and anxiety is tugging on his esophagus, threatening to throw his intestines up his throat.
Out of his wife’s sight, Kacey holds onto the cold countertop. What the fuck? What the fuck had he just seen?
God I can’t wait to see you tomorrow
I’m getting hard just thinking about that perfect ass of yours
Stephen.
The timer beeps again and Kacey feels a rare spark of irritation click in his chest. He quickly shuts it off, leans his elbows on the counter, and sighs heavily as if there’s a weight pressing on his shoulders and chest now. There is.
Is Karen cheating on him?
Those were actual text messages, from a number in her phone, from some guy named Stephen. Who the fuck is Stephen? Does he know she’s married? Or does she take her ring off when she’s with this guy? When does she even find the time to slink off and sleep with this guy? Maybe he’s a coworker. She spends long hours at the office, maybe they do it on her lunch break. Or, hell, probably “Stephen’s” lunch break since her dad doesn’t believe in letting his baby work too hard.
Fuck. Does her dad know?
Kacey feels even worse when his daughter walks through the doorway. He can’t pretend to be fine this time, he can’t pull away from the counter he’s leaning on. His head hangs, and he can feel Eliza’s gaze on him.
“Dad? Are you okay?”
Kacey almost wants to laugh mockfully at her question, but she doesn’t know the situation. She’s just worried, and that’s already better than the woman in the other room. Kacey breathes deep in and out before twisting his head to look at her.
“No, baby. I am…” he sighs, “so suddenly nauseous right now.”
Kacey is hungry, his stomach begging for the beautiful roast he cooked up in the oven, but his appetite is diminished. The excitement he had for this dinner has been thoroughly squashed. Eliza opens her mouth to speak, but Kacey cuts her off.
“Baby, can you please get the roast out of the oven and cut it up?” He steps towards her and shakily kisses her forehead. “Don’t burn yourself.” Eliza would’ve scoffed at him if she weren’t so concerned. The two of them have been baking and cooking together her whole life, she knows what oven mitts are.
Kacey walks past her and through the living room, unable to even glance in Karen’s direction. He stumbles his way into the hallway bathroom, coming face to face with himself in the mirror. He can’t hold eye contact as his stomach lurches. Kacey drops to his knees, scooting to the toilet.
He wants to believe this is a dumb mistake. Like a TV show! He saw something completely out of context, and he’ll be laughing at himself within a couple of days… but what other context could there be? What context could there be to a man texting Karen, telling her he’s hard thinking about her ass! Even Kacey can’t deny that Karen’s hip-to-thigh area is undeniably the sexiest part of her body, but it sickens Kacey to hear another man say that.
That’s not even the worst part of this. It’s one thing to have someone say Karen is sexy, but it’s a whole other problem when Karen likes it. She grinned at her phone upon seeing those messages and eagerly responded. Did she respond with a similar type of crude message?
Kacey's stomach twists painfully. He gags over the toilet bowl, feeling his stomach jump, his throat trying to close up. Saliva floods his mouth, and he leans forward to spit it out. He gags again, his throat burns as acid and a portion of his lunch comes up. He grimaces with tears in his eyes, spitting into the bowl as much as he can to rid himself of the taste. For almost five more minutes, Kacey sat, his head spinning, spitting up the excessive saliva in his mouth.
Eventually, the nausea subsided. Kacey's stomach still ached, but he forced himself up. Kacey flushes the toilet and brushes his teeth. With hesitant steps, Kacey finds himself in the kitchen.
Eliza watches him step into the kitchen. She and Karen were sitting at the dining table, food on their plates already. Eliza watches him stare at the food on the counter. He considers grabbing a plate, but can’t find his appetite.
“Feeling better?” Karen surveys, watching his movements carefully. Obviously, the two of them had heard his struggle in the bathroom. He grunts and sits down slowly. His knees ached from the bathroom tile floor.
“Yeah, a bit. Just got hit with a wave of nausea for some reason.” Kacey had rehearsed that response.
“Better not have the flu,” Karen mumbles. The seasons were changing, so her concern was warranted. Karen continues eating, and Kacey tries not to acknowledge the way Eliza was staring at him. He knows she’s concerned, but he can’t even find the energy to kindly tell her to eat.
Eventually, the girl turns back to her plate and takes a small bite. Kacey sighs deeply, still trying to settle the ache in his chest. He stares ahead, across the table at his wife. She doesn’t even know what he knows, does she? Unless she left her phone out on purpose?
Kacey shakes his head. Now isn’t the time for such questions. It’ll only make him angry or sick again. He’d prefer to wait until Eliza went to bed. The girls finish their meals. Kacey watches as they both turn in their plates to the sink. Karen is eager to leave the kitchen, but Kacey calls after her.
“Karen!” She stops and looks back at him with an eyebrow raised. Kacey stands up. “Uh. I wanna talk real quick.” Eliza lingers between them. Kacey pats her head. “You can go, honey.”
Eliza nods but is hesitant to leave. She goes and sits in the living room
Karen leans against the counter and watches Kacey begin to put the dishes in the dry rack away. For some reason, he didn’t like using the dishwasher.
“What’s up?” She asks, relaxed and nonchalant. That irked Kacey a bit. He glances at her as she opens the fridge to pull out the open wine bottle she stored in there.
“Uh, well,” he grabs a tea towel and dries off some water drops that remained on the cup he held. He swallows nervously, feeling almost all irritation drain from his body. “I wanted to ask, uh..”
Karen holds out her hand, and Kacey blinks before handing the cup to her. It’s nothing fancy, and it doesn’t need to be.
“Do you wanna go on a date?”
The question catches Karen completely off guard. She stares at Kacey, but he continues his chore.
“Um. Why?” Kacey froze. That’s what she had to say? He slowly turns his head to her.
“Well, it’s been a while. And maybe I miss my wife.” Kacey tries not to bite when saying that. He doesn’t need another argument with Eliza just in the next room.
Karen set the cup down and crossed her arms. She was quiet, but it didn’t seem like she was even thinking about it. She refused to make eye contact, and her crossed arms made her seem guarded.
“Okayy,” she answers slowly. A beat passes. “You don’t think Eliza will throw a fit again?” Kacey scoffs.
“She hasn’t had any problems like that since she was little! She’s grown up a lot. You haven’t noticed?” His tone is pointed, and he can see the way Karen inhales, trying to steady herself and keep calm.
“I just don’t really have any time.” That’s a bold lie that sets Kacey’s head on fire. His entire body goes hot with years of negligence fanning the flames. “And do you even know how exhausting clients can be?” His wife further whines.
Kacey is not a loud person. He prefers to speak softly, as he knows his height and size can intimidate people sometimes. He grew up learning to be quiet. No one wants to hear him. Speak quietly or not at all. He hates conflict.
Kacey yells.
“YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD! You have SUCH an easy job!” His voice booms, bouncing off the walls, hitting the two. Karen flinches and for the first time ever, Kacey doesn’t feel the need to apologize, to tuck his tail between his legs and bow down. “And I have fucking clients too! I’ve made wedding cakes, Karen! You sit in a chair and answer phone calls!”
The couple stare at each other. Kacey catches his breath. Karen stands in shock.
Kacey could see Eliza peeking around the wall in the corner of his vision. The volume of her red curls betrayed her attempt at stealth. He can’t look at her. What if she was scared? He can’t trust himself right now to speak to Eliza properly.
She’s staring at him intently. Eliza dissects the look on his face. She can barely see how his jaw is clenched, he’s gritting his teeth. Moving over his tense shoulder, down his arm, Kacey's fists clenched onto the towel. Her eyes darted to her mother next. One hand is now holding onto the counter, her body is turned towards Kacey, but it’s not welcoming or open.
“Fuck.” Kacey throws the rag onto the dining table with a sharp thwip sound. No longer yelling. She’s left with a cold anger from her partner. “You can just say no.” Karen looks up, her gaze meeting his stern glare, before he steps by her and exits the kitchen.
Eliza stares at her own feet when Kacey brushes past her.
Kacey shuts himself in his office.
There’s no way it was a coincidence. Kacey isn’t stuck in a bad sitcom episode. There was no misunderstanding. This isn’t going to end with an awkward laugh and hug. Does she even love him anymore? Did she ever love him? How many times does she have to hurt him? How much does he have to suffer to prove his love? Dishes on top of laundry on top of work on top of a child. Kacey is tired.
Kacey wishes he had stored alcohol in here.
He looks around. There‘s a desk tucked in the corner with his computer, full of mostly family photos and old games he’d let Eliza mess around with. There was a bookcase against the wall across from his desk and a comfy chair next to it. There were a few books scattered on it; books he had been meaning to read but never found the time for. There were family photos alongside drawings made by his precious girl and a couple of toys Eliza said she was too old for. Kacey had a soft spot for some of the cute ponies she had.
Kacey pushes himself away from the door and sits at his desk. He feels deflated; all the energy and anger he had felt was drained from his body. He’s not even left with sadness. There’s an emptiness settling in his chest, digging a hole for itself, reaching between his heart and lungs.
Acceptance?
Fuck that. Kacey can’t just accept the theory that Karen is cheating on Kacey and doesn’t love him anymore. It’s such an outlandish thought with no real evidence! Kacey rests his head on his desk and closes his eyes. He can’t ask her tonight, but he does think asking is the easiest way to go about this. He can’t exactly catch her in the act.
Stephen.. The name makes him scoff. How stupid sounding.
Kacey won’t say anything, but he’s surprised Eliza didn’t go to his office to talk to him. He’s not upset, the girl is still learning about boundaries and how to approach people and.. It’s just odd. Kacey’s so used to his little confidant coming to him to offer a big hug.
Kacey drove himself to work. He tried not to think about the argument the night before. He busied himself with orders, taking over the register just to have a distraction. Greet customers, smile, write down orders, put pastries in bags, and thank them for coming in. It’s simple. Kacey enjoys monotonous work. He can go on autopilot and relax.
Eventually, he slinks back to his office. Alone in his cave, it feels cold yet stuffy. The month of February is a generally cold month, and Kacey tends to enjoy the chilly weather. It’s usually dreary this time of year; clouds block the sun, and they often get rain.
Eliza and Karen don’t enjoy it as much as he does. Maybe it reminds Kacey of home. Maybe sometimes he closes his eyes, sitting outside, and pretends he’s somewhere else, far away on this planet. Sometimes he fantasizes about taking Eliza back to the UK. He thinks she’d like Ireland more, though.
Kacey booted up his computer. He checked his email, stared at his business bank account balance, then checked his email again. A certain shipment he ordered was late, and while he’s not hurting for the flour he ordered, it still worries him greatly. He fiddled with his wedding ring nervously, trying to settle his anxiety, telling himself not to worry-
Stephen is Karen’s yoga instructor.
Kacey swallowed. His entire body turned cold, and he could feel sweat already beading at his forehead and back. How the fuck didn’t he think of this sooner? Why did he assume Stephen was at her job? Kacey smacks his head twice, feeling so damn angry now. He knew there was something wrong with that scene. Karen lied to him. She told him she’d stop the instructor - Stephen - if he tried anything, and she’s the one engaging with it! Smiling at her phone like a young girl with a crush.
Kacey sighs.
A crush.
What the hell is he supposed to do? Is he supposed to go to that studio and beat the guy up? Kacey would never do that. Besides, what if Stephen is kind of nice and doesn’t even know she’s married? Maybe she never mentioned Kacey and took her ring off before class. Kacey stares at the gold band on his finger.
Maybe he catches her in the act? Storm the studio right as class ends, catch them before- Oh, fuck. Three months ago, Karen told Kacey that the yoga class would end half an hour later, since Stephen had to accommodate to something with his kid. That was a total lie, wasn’t it?
Is he stupid? Is he genuinely just too dumb to put any of this together sooner? Is he too naive to believe that Karen would never cheat despite being unhappy? Probably. Is he so fucked up that he still loves her, even now?
Yeah.
Kacey feels that familiar sting in his nose and, before he knows it, he’s crying. Kacey’s dad used to chide him for crying after scraping his knee or breaking something. Karen used to chuckle and wipe away his tears. She got tired of it quickly.
Kacey held his head and cried over his desk, letting the stress, anger, and sadness stuff his nose and hurt his head. He crumples, forehead touching the desk, snot and saliva dripping onto it. He’s at a point that he doesn’t care if his employees hear him (though he doubts they can hear over the bustling of the kitchen), and he doesn’t care if they grow concerned seeing his sore, red eyes afterwards.
Kacey cries until he feels sick. His stomach is nauseous, his head aches, and he can’t breathe through his nose no matter how many times he blows into a tissue. Kacey hesitates before he leaves his office. He doesn’t look at anyone; he just goes to the employee bathroom, locking himself in.
Kacey looks at himself in the mirror. That thing needs to be cleaned. He splashes cold water on his face, the temperature soothing against his warm face. The man dries his face off, then cleans the mirror.
Kacey texted his father-in-law, asking if he’d pick up Eliza from school and take her to her grandparents’ place for the night. They took good care of her, and he doesn’t want her home tonight. Eliza doesn’t need to hear more yelling, hiding in her room, waiting for silence to come so she can sleep unrestfully. He knows she’ll be confused. Actually, the girl’s so attentive, she might get an inkling of the right idea.
Kacey picks up some burgers on his drive home. He doesn’t eat and stores them both in the fridge.
Karen arrives home. She’s tired and cold, ready to cozy up in a heated house to a filling meal. The first thing she notices when she steps inside is Kacey sitting on the living room couch. He looks at her and, oh boy, he seems upset. Karen sighs and prepares herself for the argument to come. She hangs up her coat and sets her purse on the bench.
“Hey,” she greets first, sounding too casual for Kacey’s liking. They both understand it to be unusual but don’t acknowledge it aloud. Kacey is leaning forward, elbows on his knees.
“Hi,” he says back. Short, apprehensive. He swallows. His stomach is twisting all over again, and it makes him glad he didn’t eat earlier.
Karen slowly starts to walk over to the kitchen to see if Kacey made dinner. Her stomach is grumbling.
“Your yoga instructor,” Kacey speaks up, stopping his wife in her tracks, “His name is Stephen, right?”
“Yeah,” she breathes. “Why?”
Kacey sighs. It shakes, and he can feel the sickness building up in his throat again, a feeling all too familiar now. Karen stands around, waiting, before stepping closer to him. Her head tilts slightly.
“Kacey?” She asks. Even Karen is growing nervous, something she’s not used to feeling. Kacey is usually happy when she comes home. He enjoys cooking and taking care of his loved ones. He loves Karen, and he loves feeding her. It’s quite off-putting seeing him like this.
Kacey struggles to speak. Between the stomach ache, the dread on his shoulders, and the predicament of how he has to ask this, he stutters. Mouth opening and closing, fists clenching, nails digging into palms. He just has to do it. Just do it.
“Are you cheating on me?”
Karen's eyes widen. Kacey looks at her, taking in her reaction. Now it’s her turn to stutter, completely stunned that Kacey even came up with this question. What made him realize? How did she slip up?
“No!” She laughs, unable to hold eye contact for long. “Why would-”
“Don’t lie!” Kacey snaps. He stands up, holding his ground, glaring at the anxious blonde in front of him. “How long? How many times?”
Karen steps back with a deep sigh, attempting to steady her mind for a chance to respond. She racks her brain, squeezing her eyes shut. How the hell is she supposed to respond? She opens her mouth, refusing to answer his questions.
“How.. did you..” She gestures with her hand, defeated and almost shaking.
“Text messages.” Kacey’s answer is blunt, and he planned to leave it at that, but he can’t help continuing. “I read the contact name, remembered who it was. You even lied about him having a kid, didn’t you? You knew I wouldn’t be upset with you coming home later if it meant a dad was doing something nice for his kid.”
Karen bites her tongue. Kacey would only be more mad if she told him the truth. Of course, Karen used that against Kacey. She knows it’s cruel, she knows it’s unfaithful, wrong in the eyes of God and society. Why doesn’t she feel very guilty about it then?
They’re quiet for too long. Karen breathes in.
“Wh- What, what do you want me to say, Kacey?” Karen stammers, finally looking Kacey in the eye. He doesn’t have the same fire Eliza does when she gets angry.
Kacey stares back. His mind has a million thoughts running through it, overwhelming his own brain. The man feels so exhausted. He doesn’t want to be doing this now or ever.
He settles with, “Why?”
Karen’s shoulders droop. She looks at him a sadness in her eyes, Kacey almost mistook it for guilt or regret.
“I’m not happy here.”
Kacey feels an ache in his chest at the admission. Kacey doesn’t know if he’s been lying to himself or simply ignoring this problem. He knew she was not happy. Neither is Kacey. He wants to be happy with Karen so badly.
He wants to fix what they have, but how can he do that when she doesn’t want to help pick up the pieces? When he can’t stand her touch? When Kacey can’t stop a snarky remark from leaving his mouth?
Kacey’s defeated. He sits down again, dropping his weight onto the couch. He combs back his hair.
“Was I… not good enough?” Kacey utters, staring at the coffee table in front of him. “I did everything for you, how could I..?” Even Karen hates to hear the absolute pain and confusion in his voice. It makes her wish she had told him, instead of him finding out on a random afternoon.
Karen's voice shakes when she speaks. Guilt is a new one for her.
“I don’t love you anymore.”