Work Text:
november 26, 1999
behind the foggy panes of the studio, snow fell in a delicate and quiet manner. not enough had fallen for it to crunch beneath the feet of those who rushed to escape the cold, but it left a thin sheet of white across the city as it’s habitants prepared itself for the late night.
“the first snow of the year has arrived, bringing with it romance that gives us the warmth needed during these cold days. i’ll ask the question many of you are waiting to hear: are you spending tonight with anyone special?”a smooth voice spoke into a mic. the man’s dark bangs were swept away from the man’s handsome face, a streak of green dye peaking through his dark, gelled hair. the background music slowly faded away, leaving only the treble of his words to float through the speakers of radios all across the country.
a cheerful jingle began to play and the mellow voice returned. “welcome back to haechan radio on 35.7 hzm. i’m your host dj haechan, and we’re back for the hottest night of the week: first love friday.” he played a cheering effect noise and stretched in his chair.
“for those of you not familiar with this special segment, we ask listeners from all over korea send us stories of their first loves. whether it was 10 years ago or happening right now, we want to hear them so send them our way!”
a melodic tune was introduced and he got closer to the mic, lowering his voice an octave.
“lets hear the first story of the night, sent in by ‘bow-nim’ from daegu:
‘hello dj haechan-nim, i am bow-nim and here is the story of my first love, that started only a few months ago. my friends constantly beg me to go on group blind dates with them, and i always use the excuse of needing to study, not having much interest in spending my time that way. i spent most of my first year of college in the library while all my friends went on those dates or out to the disco clubs dancing their night away.
one night during my second year i finally decided to accompany my friends to a group date and they were all ecstatic. i quickly regretted going after none of the boys caught my eye, and wanted nothing more than to be in bed, listening to the new H.O.T album.
after we all introduced ourselves, it was decided that all the girls would set items onto the table while the boys stepped away for a moment. i suddenly got a page from my sister, so i stepped away to the nearest phone booth right outside the restaurant, not before leaving my item, a pink bow, on the table.
once i returned, (my sister only wanted to ask if she could borrow one of my skirts), my friends grabbed me and let me know that we were leaving. it turns out one of the boys on the group date had a girlfriend! she’d stormed into the restaurant and taken him by the ear, dragging him out of the building without letting him get a word out. i asked my friends on the walk back to the dorms if they had grabbed my bow, but they’d told me that they hadn’t seen it.
it wasn’t that important of an item to me so i brushed the thought away and went along with my life. about a week later, i was at the library pretty late and had fallen asleep in my books. when i woke up, there was a note by my head and my pink hair bow attached. the note said ‘fighting! i wanted to return this bow to you but i didn’t know how to approach you. keep studying hard and don’t forget to take breaks!’
my heart flutters at the thought that someone thinks of me, remembers me. now, whenever i go to my spot in the library after class, i find a note there addressed to me, bow-nim, and words of encouragement. and everyday, i wear the bow and look around for him .”
“bow-nim thank you for taking the time to send us your story! we’re all rooting for you over here, and hope that you find your admirer soon!” the background music faded completely and the host began introducing the next part.
“in honor of that story, here is the next tune: you in vague memory by hyun jin young, a classic that’ll take us back to 1992.” the funky intro began playing, and the mellow voice of the singer bounced off the beats.
as the song continued, the recording room door opened and a figure entered, almost seeming to wander in, his eyes scanning every part of the small room. even as he sat down and placed his own pair of headphones on, the man’s head moved to inspect the papers that were scattered across the table.
embarrassed, haechan flushed at the possible bad first impression, and glanced upward past the glass, waiting for the signal to proceed to the next section. once he got kun’s confirmation, played a mellow backtrack and begun.
“welcome back listeners! i hope you were touched by jin young-nim’s voice and the yearning in his story of love. i hope you also felt his desire and dedication to eternally waiting.
“we’re going to take a small break from reading stories for now and introduce the special guest of the night. i’d like to welcome dr. huang renjun to our studio. a round of applause please,” the clapping track was played again and the smaller man bowed towards the host, saying his short greeting into the microphone.
“good evening everyone. it’s a pleasure to be here.” the professor turned his head after speaking, looking straight into the window and signaling for kun to adjust the volume.
haechan attempted to read from an index card, one the intern jisung had sloppily written an introduction of the professor on. “dr. huang is currently a professor at neo institute of technology, specializing in art psychology. he is going to tell us a little about his work and how he is currently researching the efficiency of using art as a medium for love and in therapy. let’s have him introduce this blossoming field of study.”
the other man began talking, and as he usually did, haechan glanced down at the cue screen, bracing himself for a somewhat basic explanation. he was used aspiring singers who stumbled over their words and spoke like broken records: they wanted to one day get big as a singer; what made them different from everyone else is how hard they worked to get there. all of them were under the impression that they were going to become huge stars one day, and the sad reality was that very few of them ever would.
but what came instead was a passionate speech from a man who clearly had done years of research on love, and how it can be expressed in so many different subtle ways. he introduced examples of how love has even made its way into the most famous and iconic paintings of all time, and how there are traditions all around the world to celebrate love such as valentines day, new years eve, and the first snow.
haechan was pleasantly surprised and kept his eyes locked on the older man, focusing on the way his lips pouted when saying a few difficult words, a slight accent slipping out.
the professor explained how his current focus was on curating and directing an art exhibition, while simultaneously running a research lab on depression. it was a newer topic in korea, many korean researchers expressing hesitance in accepting mental health as an illness.
the psychologist seemed to get nervous after his ramble and shied away a little, appearing to become flustered by haechan’s unwavering gaze. the tan boy quickly left his haze and went back to hosting mode, and tried to help the other calm his nerves a bit by cracking a joke.
“you say your students are learning to channel their emotions onto a canvas correct? i think whatever i channel will have you telling me to keep the drawing to the experts.”
the other reacted right away, throwing his head back and laughing with his entire body. he became the most beautiful person haechan had ever laid his eyes on. the way his nose crinkled when he scrunched his nose or the polite way he sat with his back pin straight. by the time they had finished their section, haechan found himself only wanting more.
he waited for kun’s confirmation signal, and reintroduced the background music.
“the next song is one that’s been on the world charts for months, and i have a feeling it’ll be dominating for many more years to come. get your ears ready for: first love by hikaru utada.”
the young woman’s youthful voice oozed through the speakers, and haechan took his headphones off, watching the other man mirror his motions. they both stood and bowed slightly towards each other, and then the professor was on the other side of the glass, talking to chenle and kun in what haechan assumed was chinese.
haechan’s brain filled with a low hum of static while it memorized the outline of the other man through the window pane. he quickly shook his head and went back to focusing on the next song. but his mind kept wandering back to that soft voice, the slight lisp of an accent, and that radiant laugh.
it wanted more.
-
it was a weekly dinner after work that started like any other. yet it was a night that donghyuck came to cherish for a long time coming: the night that he met his first love. but he would only come to realize it after his love was long gone, only leaving a mark burned forever in his heart.
and here’s how it went.
donghyuck’s coworkers loved to go out for drinks after a work dinner. the drinking usually remained contained within their local pork belly place, but that night they had decided to broaden the horizons and extend the night a little longer in lieu of chenle’s birthday a few days prior. and despite his low social battery, donghyuck elected to accompany them to at least the first bar.
he had gone to plenty of these outings but many more chose to make up an excuse and slip out early. don’t get him wrong, he loved who he worked with, loved hearing jungwoo argue with doyoung over who grilled the best meat, even adored watching the intern get teased endlessly by chenle and hendery. but he also enjoyed time to himself, or watching drama reruns on his couch with a hot bowl of jjigae.
this time he knew that if he had gone one more outing without indulging chenle, he’d have to deal with the younger boy nagging him and complaining that he ‘hated him’ (he didn’t, it just got a little tiring having to socialize with so many people on a given day, especially ones with more than one interview. chenle was the one that was the most aware that being the face of a radio show wasn’t easy, so he tended to cut donghyuck some slack, but never too much.)
donghyuck tried to tell himself there were no ulterior motives, that he would’ve stayed to celebrate regardless of any external factors. but the guest they had hosted that evening piqued his interest in a way he would never admit out loud.
so kill donghyuck for deciding to stay and to check out the vibes of the night when he found out the blonde was accompanying the rest of the crew in their festivities.
huang renjun was already a unique guest to donghyuck since he usually interviewed singers or actors. the professor had landed the interview through chenle, and donghyuck came to learn that they were childhood friends back in china.
the older man became even more intriguing to donghyuck once he saw how he transformed in the new environment, his cheeks now a rosy pink from the beer they’d been drinking. his previously sharp posture was now more relaxed, his legs spread at an angle that would seem impolite for anyone else, but only made him more charming.
he was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. okay maybe he was getting ahead of himself. top 10? who was he kidding, the beautiful stranger turned acquaintance definitely ranked top 3. (possibly a strong contender for the place above 2, but no one else was going to hear that.)
donghyuck couldn’t help but stare with a slight gape as the rest of the table seemed to also gravitate towards renjun, everyone captivated by his every word, not wanting to miss a second. he was thankful that he wasn’t the only one staring, but he felt a sting of jealousy that renjun’s attention wasn’t being reciprocated solely back onto him.
but who could blame him? the man’s long hair, now neatly tied back with a hair band, appeared to be extremely soft, and donghyuck reveled in the thought of running his own fingers through it.
of course these were the thoughts that allowed him to only become more infatuated. he craved more and more, stronger than his nicotine withdrawals, stronger than anything he’d ever let himself feel.
once the time had reached a single digit, the group began stumbling out into the winter night, faces flushed and voices loud. chenle had an arm hooked around renjun’s shoulders, a scowl on his face as he whined about the professor not going to karaoke with them. kun slowly grabbed the youngest by the hood and dragged him away, shoving a bottle of water into his hands, despite not looking too sober himself.
donghyuck had placed himself with his back against a wall, a lit cigarette dangling from his fingers as he watched the crowd dwindle away. in the corner of his eye he made out renjun putting a hand up to cough, using the same hand to send a small wave over to the rest of the group, then turning his back to the noise and towards the turmoil in donghyuck’s head.
the two made brief eye contact and donghyuck readjusted his posture, suddenly conscious of the other’s approaching figure. when the professor finally reached his side, he slightly bent down and took the smoking paper from donghyuck’s fingers, bringing it up to his own lips.
the cigarette looked different perched on renjun’s fingers, ones adjourned with rings of varying sizes and colors. the flickering of the heat on the paper contrasted with the smoke that rose, both from the end of the shortening stick and from between his parted lips.
donghyuck’s eyes scanned the action, feeling the burning of the nicotine lingering in his own lungs. he stood up from his crouch, readjusting his clothing, unsure of what to say. he watched the other man toss the cigarette onto the ground and step on it, observing the way he twisted his foot slowly.
then the professor turned his body to face donghyuck, slinging his brown leather briefcase over his shoulder. he shook his wrist to shift his dress shirt off his watch and squinted at it’s square face.
“are we doing this at mine or yours?” renjun said after a few seconds.
well, that was certainly one way to do it.
-
it was hot, the type of heat that brought sweat down donghyuck’s neck, the windows of the car fogging up. renjun and donghyuck had kept in touch, both communicatively and literally.
they weren’t dating. they couldn’t call it that. sure they saw each other a couple times a week, shared a couple cigarettes and kisses and a little more, but they weren’t dating.
their flame was lit not by a match or a lighter, but by something that would make it last just long enough to keep the light flickering in the dark, their eyes shining in the dimness.
the problem was that donghyuck wanted to take and take and renjun just let him. he let his body become a canvas that donghyuck poured his emotions onto, one that was put in the corner with a drape over it at the end of the week, forgotten until light crept through the boarded windows and reminded the habitants of its presence.
it terrified him when he laid there one night, the other softly breathing by his side, slumbering away and unaware of the inner turmoil with which he was suffering with.
donghyuck couldn’t think of a time when he had gotten comfortable with someone so fast.
were these the same emotions renjun spoke of that were evoked when people looked at specific pieces of art? donghyuck had never understood how someone could look at a canvas filled with strokes of paint, and allude it to some emotion from within.
but as he glanced to his side, and saw the peeking moonlight illuminating the other’s sleeping face, it all seemed like common sense. how could someone look at such a beautiful piece of art and not feel as strongly as he did?
he didn’t know if he could call it “love at first sight”, since there had been many glances exchanged between the two since they’d first sat in the recording booth.
this agreement they had made things simple. they liked it exactly the way it was. they could be friends. and then add some benefits to it.
but everyone knows how dangerous situationships are, and how they take you straight into the path of heartbreak.
friends with benefits could work for some, especially those who aren’t looking for anything serious, and are choosing to focus on themselves. maybe it’s in furthering their career, school, or maybe they need to live for themselves a little more first.
but this example didn’t extend to donghyuck and renjun. they had already furthered their careers to a comfortable place, and were both notorious for falling hard and having their hearts smashed to smithereens each time.
it was a recipe for disaster on both sides. their friends could see that donghyuck fell first and fast, but renjun fell much harder.
and this wasn’t donghyuck’s first rodeo, he’d done the tiptoeing and the fleeting touches enough times to count. but this time around, his ears were tinged a slight pink more often, his ears craned to catch every detail leaving the older man’s lips, his fingers itching more to hold a soft hand than a tobacco flame.
they had a “love” that burned. the heat from the passion between them wasn’t one that hurt right away. it was like holding an open palm over an open fire, leeching off the warmth. if you got too close, it could burn you, leaving a red welch that could scar if you didn’t care for it right away.
even during the nights where nothing more than drinks and words were exchanged, they knew of the impending deadline waiting for them. renjun eventually would to return to china, and donghyuck had a feeling this wouldn’t continue when he did.
so they did what they could while refusing to acknowledge anything out loud, because as they say, ignorance is bliss.
“what do you think will happen when the clock hits midnight?”
“who knows, maybe the world really will end.”
what was donghyuck supposed to do with the knowledge that when renjun got a bloody nose, he stuck toilet paper up his nose and went on with his life, completely forgetting about the white tissue sticking out of his nostril. who could he tell about the hours renjun poured into making lessons for his students, the care he put into each detail. that despite smoking socially, he despised cigarettes, but was too addicted to let it go.
he couldn’t just write it in a journal to collect dust over the years.
the faster he fell, the easier it became for him to decide to let him go.
despite everything the feelings still bubbled and bubbled and they rose and rose and-
the clock struck midnight. it was a new century. 2000.
by the time the pink flowers bloomed, his pager didn’t ring anymore. the airplane took off carrying more than luggage and the brown leather briefcase.
-
december 13, 2022
the air in the room was just as stale as donghyuck remembered it being. it had been around 15 years since he had last stepped into an NCI broadcasting center recording booth as a host. he hadn’t completely abandoned the mic, he’d just made his way to the other side of the glass as a music producer.
chenle had ditched the mixing counsel and gone back to school to study physics and buisness management, and now owned the company and the building. he’d recently begun training and debuting idols, and decided to call donghyuck up to show him how it had been going.
the previously dark and dusty room had been moved from the basement to a room on the second floor and now had cameras and TVs scattered across the space. with the popularization of kpop internationally, radio shows had blown up and the budget had increased which was certainly always nice to see, even if he wasn’t able to reap the benefits himself.
“good evening everyone and happy first snow fall. my name is lee donghyeok, best known to most of you 20 years ago as dj haechan.” the man waved to the cameras pointed at him and turned to his hosting partner. “i’d like to thank my dear friend chenle for allowing me to come back for my hosting anniversary. and thank you sakuya for having me as your cohost today.”
the young boy was an idol in chenle’s company’s newest boy group, and was a walking ball of sunshine from what he heard from his chinese friend. sakuya smiled and played a cheering sound effect, causing all the staff in the studio to burst into laughter.
“it’s wonderful that the skies decided to let some snow fall just in time for my special comeback! for tonight’s segment i decided to bring back the past, with a bit of a twist.” sakuya played a suspense sound effect and nodded his head toward donghyuck to continue speaking.
“as many of you may remember, my segment focused on first love stories. tonight isn’t going to be too different, but now that technology has advanced, and i am actually being seen live right now- let’s wave hello to all the watchers- I’ll showing some of the items that some of you sent to the radio that you felt represents your first love.”
he held up a box and tapped the top. “thats right. we asked listeners to end in items that were given to you or remind you of that time of your life. and in return we’ll choose a song and dedicate it to your story or object.”
“here in korea, many of us hold our first loves in our hearts for the rest of our lives. and many of us still hold physical pieces of those memories from long ago.” sakuya read off the screen, nodding at donghyuck to continue.
“lets look at some of them shall we? the first item is a knitted pink scarf. as we can see its a bit worn out, and i’m sure theres a wonderful story attached to it. lets read the letter from yarn-nim.”
“hello dj haechan i was so happy to hear that you were going to be having a special section on the radio. i used to listen to your segment years ago after a long day at work, and your contagious laughter always brightened my mood…” donghyuck continued reading the letter and smiled at how the person also incorporated their memories of his radio show.
“thank you so much for sending in your story yarn-nim. sakuya and i decided that the song we’ll play for this one is ‘the first snow’ by exo sunbaenim. it’s a classic that is even in my own winter playlist, and perfect for tonight’s momentous return of the falling white.”
the song began its soft jingle as sakuya and donghyuck, now muted to the listeners, discussed who would choose the next song. they skimmed through a few of the live comments and chose a few to read once the song ended. many listeners expressed their excitement and gratitude for the trendy topic, and shared their own plans for the snowy night.
“the next item is one that many of you may have never heard of or seen in person: a pager. oh has it been forever since i’ve held one of these! this item was sent in by beep-nim. sakuya why don’t you try reading this letter for us?”
the boy adjusted his mic and began to read the story. donghyuck’s eyes twinkled in fondness hearing the slightly accented korean, running his fingers over the groove of the calling device.
after playing ‘call me’ by wayv, one of the first groups chenle debuted under his label, the two men discussed the difference in traditions in japan and korea, sakuya providing some stories from his own school days (probably not that long ago from what donghyuck could tell, the boy looked no older than 20.)
“the last item we’ll talk about tonight is a polaroid picture! yet another item that is old, but has been brought back by modern youth. sakuya why don’t you describe it for us?”
“there are two people in the dark, their backs to the camera, their figures illuminated by the flash. it looks like they are at a food stand because i see a few fish cake sticks in the corner.”
sakuya lifted the paper towards the nearest camera and tilted it, giggling while he placed a hand behind it to “help with the glare”.
donghyuck smiled and turned his attention to the letter.
“okay and here is our last letter of the night from tobacco kiss-nim.”
‘they say a photograph can speak a thousand words, though you cannot hear its voice. it can freeze time and bring you back to the moment whenever you need it most. there were many years i refused to look at this picture, because remembering my first love was like pricking my finger on a rose. it stung. but with time comes wisdom, and i came to appreciate love, the passion of my life’s work.
it first began appearing in my paintings, specks of color transforming into those familiar moles, sunflowers in the market turning to walk with me. the sour smell of cigarettes lingered in my lungs and filled them with the warmth they once did.
the world didn’t end that year but it did for me. the shadows of the candlelight dance across the walls, and the match won’t spark against the box, no way to kept the flame from extinguishing. it’s all so bittersweet.
each kiss tasted like tobacco, and i wouldn’t have had it any other way. now the way that i speak might seem spiteful but…”
donghyuck stopped reading. he could feel his lunch rising in his throat and his mouth closed, unable to continue speaking. sakuya must have sensed his shock, because the japanese boy took it upon himself to introduce the last song.
“and finally the song donghyuck chose for the polaroid. it’s by the same artist that made an incredible song many years ago, and this time she has remastered it for her original netflix series by the same name: here is 初恋 (hatsu koi) by hikaru utada.”
a soft synth began, setting the stage for the singer’s mellow voice. sakuya placed the photograph in front of donghyuck and stood up, walking over to the camera and waving to his fans behind the glass.
donghyuck couldn’t see anything else but the last line written. he read it over and over again, willing the characters to disappear off the page into the air. no matter how many times he read it, ran the tip of his finger over the ink, the words remained drawn onto the paper.
“ … but you are and will eternally be my first love lee donghyuck. we might be on different paths now, but you continue to inspire me every day.”
he turned the paper over and scanned his memories, trying to recognize the penmanship. who would write such a passionate letter addressed to him?
who was he kidding, who else would have but the person who haunts his own thoughts.
the track continued.
donghyuck grabbed the polaroid and he slumped back into his chair, running his fingers through his hair. time had done it’s damage to the photograph, the corners warped with loss of color. but the main details were still easily conspicuous.
it was as if he had gotten on a time machine, and had been shot back to the exact moment the picture was taken. he could feel the heat from the fish cakes, the chill winter breeze nipping the tips of their ears.
“you are always going to be inside my heart...” the woman’s voice seeped into the corners of donghyuck’s brain, the english words resonating with him in a way that was almost painful.
a fuzzy memory appeared behind his eye lids, one he had forced himself to forget many years before.
the leather briefcase, always perched at the leg of the dining room table with takeout boxes piling up, ashtrays littered with cigarette butts.
a laughter so refreshing it was like a little bell, one that rung in the air for a few seconds longer than you expected it to. that night the two men drank a little too much wine, their necks a splotchy red, hands all over each others legs.
they spontaneously decided to sober up by getting late night snacks, braving the cold to get some warmth. they had been slouched onto each other, hands dug deep into their pockets as they waited in line. a flash appeared behind them but neither of them noticed, too occupied leeching off each other’s heat.
once they reached the stand, they noticed the polaroid picture that had been left on the counter, capturing the quiet moment between them. their owlish expressions made the stand owner chuckle and shake his head, prompting them to inform him of their desired amount.
with pink ears they reached to scoop broth into small paper cups and asked for one skewer each. pink lips parted to take a bite, soup filling up the little nooks of leftover space. a crooked smile that was so so warm it filled donghyuck from the inside out.
his memory cloud parted hearing sakuya calling his name, letting him know that the next radio host would soon be setting up for their hour.
donghyuck had subconsciously kept his hand on the paper and when he looked down, his sweaty palm had transferred the dark ink onto it. while him and sakuya took pictures, he kept it tucked into the pockets of his jeans as if he’d committed a sin. even when he signed the signature wall, his brain brought him back to “will eternally be my first love.”
hours later donghyuck had drifted over to the bar near his apartment, the photograph safely tucked into his jacket pocket, the letter pinched between his fingers.
he wanted to run far away, where maybe it’d be easier to deal with the turmoil that had developed over the last thousand seconds.
as much as he wanted to deny it, the fire that had been kindled between them never went out. there were still sparks in their everyday life that kept it alive, brought back memories of foggy breath.
he brought the polaroid out of his pocket and inspected it once more, the ice in his whiskey tinkling as it melted. he titled the image in the poor lighting, aiming each corner to reflect back details he might have missed when looking it before.
he turned it to the other side and there it was. in the bottom margin nestled under his sweaty thumb were numbers and a little symbol. donghyuck put his palm to his face and laughed, not believing how much his life had turned over since he’d woken up that morning.
a few weeks later, after a long day of moving vocals around on a new track, he decided he would take the leap. his finger made it's way into his mouth and he gnawed on the edge of it.
the tone dial rang, and rang. donghyuck bit the corner of his finger in anticipation, ready to turn it off at any moment. just before he could a familiar voice rung out from the other end.
“hello?”
and the flame was born once again.