Chapter Text
"SHE DID IT, WHY IS IT SO BAD THAT I DID TOO?"
Silence never cut through the room as harsh and quick as it had just then.
No one knew what to say, even the she in question was quiet. They waited. Heavy atmosphere clouding the stone cornered room.
A few beats pass before someone did something.
Said girl stood up from her seat, catching the attention of the rest of the boys scattered throughout the room.
Walking over until she was face to face with the blonde boy, mere inches between them. His head was lowered in shame, he knew what he did, he knew it was wrong; he didn't know how to deal with the aftermath. She could feel his shame radiating off of him, she couldn't blame him. He was full of emotions. If anyone knew about overbearing sense of clashing emotions, it was her.
She also knew anger is not a primary emotions. It always originated from something else. She knew anger was a reactive emotion, she knows because that's what she always feels. It's what she was feeling right now.
The atmosphere was so thick, she decided to start slowly and softly.
"Look. I know you're hurt, I know your body is reacting it with anger." She paused, a sharp intake of breath was taken, the whole room could heard it. "But don't you dare compare yourself to me. You don't get to do that. And you don't get to bring up my past mistake because you're angry. We may be stuck in the same place, try to do the same thing, but we. Are not. The same." A part of her was heartbroken to have said this to one of her greatest friends, she didn't want to make him feel worse. But as said before, she too had anger as a reactive emotion.
"YOU'RE NOT ME." She yelled, people outside the hut could hear her, but she didn’t care. The boy in front of her flinched, as did the rest sitting around the room. "You should be grateful that you're not. Never compare yourself to me because you, Newt, are so much better than me. So much better. Don't beat yourself up like that. You deserve better, you are better." Her head tilted to the side, lowering to look his downcasted eyes, "I love you. You're my brother, you make me – and I assure you, everyone else here agrees – and everyone in this God-forsaken place a better person—no. You make us want to be better. Do you know what it feels like to be in your presence? It feels like being hugged by a shuckin' cloud. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not such a terrible person, maybe I could do better. If not for me, then for this beautiful boy in front of me. So please, do not compare yourself to me. I never do anything for myself, I hate myself. You're not that person. You can be sad, you can be angry, you can self-depricate but do not compare yourself to other people, let alone me, because they are not on your level. You are better. Start seeing yourself that way too. Please." Her voice was calm and level the whole time even she was surprised, she would've thought she'd be yelling in tears by now, but she managed to keep herself sane for the people in front of her.
Newt eyes were still focusing on the floor, only now they were dripping waterfalls, still unable to look up. He wanted to be stable when he looks at her again, he was not a coward; he just didn't want to hurt her any more than he already did. Knowing someone as long as he knew her gave him insights on what kind of person she is, and he knew that her dam would burst if she saw his tears.
"We—" another sharp inhale when she felt the dam behind her eyes, "We care about you buddy, we're right here. We're not going anywhere. If you don't want to tell us what's going on with you, that's okay; you can do it in your own time, with your own will, but nothing will stop us from being here for you. You wanna be sad? Go ahead, we'll be sad here with you! You want to wallow in self pity? Great! I'm drowning in them, we can wallow together. You want to be alone? Fine. We'll be right around the corner when you need us. No one is forcing you to be okay, Newt. It's okay to not be okay, you're allowed to have emotions." Silent tears fell down her face, pictures of Minho carrying Newt's body flashed through her eyes, "Just please, please don't give us a heart attack like that again. We're sorry if it felt like we didn't pay enough attention to detail, I'm sorry. I'm the on who's supposed to check on my Gladers, to make sure you guys are all okay. I'm sorry."
She didn't let anyone get another word out and quickly left the room.
***
TWO, THREE KNOCKS WAS HEARD.
"Come in."
The door creeked open and a head of curly brown hair popped in, his face lights up with a small comforting smile, "Hey, Bud."
"Hi, Nick." Looking up, her smile mirrored his.
The brunette fully enters the room and closed the door behind him, walking over to the bed where the girl laid, setting himself on the end of it.
She was fiddling with her fingers. He couldn't read her. No one could, not yet or that he know of, at least.
"You alright?" He asked.
She scoffed yet smiling, "Sure, why not."
There was a pause, none of them knew what to say, yet.
Still tiredly smiling, she starts, "He was right, you know." Her words made him look up, his eyes turning soft with concern. "I set up a bad example, terrible. If I tried to do it, why can't anyone else? I mean, I'm the leader. I'm the person they follow. If they have to follow the good things, what's stopping them from following the bad? I've had my fair share of mistakes before, a lot, actually. I'm not a perfect person, and it shows. Everyone knows about it. I mean, it doesn't look like they care about them now, but what if everything comes to light one day and... and it changes the way they see me, the way they see everything. Like, I don't exactly care about the me thing but—I don't want them to doubt their life, Nick."
Their eyes met, the different pairs casted with similar emotions. Similar, not the same.
She began again, "I— I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I should."
He panicked, what the hell did she mean by that?
And apparently it was evident in his expression that he was. The girl was quick to assure him, worrying him was never her intention.
"Hey—no—I'm fine. It's nothing bad, just something else. I'll tell you—everyone, I'll tell everyone tomorrow. I'm calling a Gathering, early tomorrow, just a couple minutes before wake up time."
Nick could feel his heart slowly return to its regular pace, his face relaxing, but it didn't dissipate his worry.
Standing up, he was still looking at his friend whose eyes were back on her fiddling hands. "Don."
She looked up, eyes as soft as they come.
"Hm?"
"You're okay, right? You're not going to do anything stupid? Do you want me to stay here with you?" Always so worried, so full of care, that boy.
She smiled, "I won't. Don't worry, I promise. Go."
That wasn't enough for him, nothing ever was ever going to stop him from worrying about her, about everyone, but he knew he had to give her time alone.
So he left. Leaving her to think over what she has to say in the next early morning.
***
THE MORNING DIDN'T COME SOON ENOUGH.
She was nervous, very. But she had to do it. For her Gladers.
That morning she woke up earlier — way earlier — than usual. She was never the eatly bird and everyone knew that. Seeing her walking out of Homestead and down the Glade that early (to those who were already awake anyway) alerted the Gladers, something must've been wrong – something is, in fact, wrong, everyone already knew that – and whatever's going to happen is going to be pretty shuckin' important.
The Council has yet to arrive, so she took the time to repeat what she needs to say. Making sure every word was right, no misunderstandings.
She spent about twenty minutes of pacing back and forth before the Keepers and Council members started filing in, Minho being the first one, obviously, and Nick (somehow) being the last one.
After the brunette settled himself at the front next to Winston, Minho closed the door and walked over to the front, "Alright, Boss, what is it? Doors' about to open, I gotta get going, can't lose time." Stated the Keeper.
She clasped her hands together, "Okay." She paused, recalled his words, "One, I told you to stop calling me that," Minho shrugged, "And two, I have... some very important news."
"We kinda figured that much, you asked for a pretty early Gathering, I never thought you'd see the sky before the sun rose." Winston snorted, followed by the rest.
"Oh shut up." She waved her hand dismissively, "Anyway, can you all sit down, please?" No one argued and made themselves comfortable wherever, except one Keeper. She raised her brows at him, "Min."
"If I sit down I wouldn't want to get up."
Rolling her eyes at him, she mumbled 'Fine' and continued with her announcement.
"Okay, so, I've decided that..." inhale, "I'm steppin' down from First in Command."