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The sunlight infiltrating the room from the gaps of the curtains was piercing as per usual. This morning- no, noon- would probably be the same as every afternoon. But something felt different. It’s just that he couldn’t tell what. Tangible, yet ungraspable.
Like always, the left side of the fluffy pink bed was vacant during this time of the day. Hina wondered if she was thinking of him right now, even when she was working hard. And like always, he gently lifted the pillow to reveal a delicate envelope hidden beneath. When she was outside, reading the letters she left for him within those envelopes every day could always make Hina feel cozy inside, as if the sheets of papers and the writing radiated heat, not too cold, not too hot, that would warm even his cold hands. Ironic, isn’t it? He so thought. For someone to have “sun” in their name to have cold hands.
He opened the lace white envelope, and unfolded the equally white paper inside.
“Happy birthday, Hina!
I’m in a rush so sorry
but look forward to tonight
XOXO”
Strangely, the words this time didn’t bring him the same comfort as he’d usually feel from her writing. But why? Maybe it’s because she was in a hurry and didn’t have the time to truly ink her thoughts down. It took him a split moment before he came to a realisation.
It’s his birthday today?
“Come to think of it, yesterday was March 29th, wasn’t it? So it’s.. the date of my birth today. My birthday, huh… the day I was born.”
The day “Shinjou Hinata” was born. Is it really worth celebrating? To plan an elaborate surprise for?
He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure. Of course- how would he even decide whether the day of his birth was worth celebrating, when he couldn’t even determine his worth? Of course, Gekka, Romeo, and his beloved big brother have always given him presents, telling him that he was worth every penny or effort that they put into their gifts, so maybe… maybe his birthday is a day that could allow him to feel more beloved for the ugly duckling within.
The ugly duckling- that was his label for himself.
If he were a strawberry, he would be the sole anomaly that had yet to reach infructescence even during the harvest season.
If he were a star, he would be the dim, miniscule light that astronomists fail to discover unless he, by chance, was in the proximity of a bright celestial body, like Sirius.
If he were a puzzle, he would a milk puzzle that had some of its individual pieces missing; pure white in its semblance, yet utterly incomplete at a glance.
Soon, his thoughts began to drift into the dark crevices of his mind.
Is it right for me to take advantage of their kindness, though? Is it? No, I can’t.
But why?
Because I can’t do anything on my own. I'm useless. The only good thing I have is my singing.
But they love you, adore you, spoil you. Would it not be incorrect to not indulge in the kindness that they voluntarily give to you?
No… wouldn't that be selfish of me?
Aren't you more selfish for not accepting their love, though?
A cacophony of thoughts clashed within, the angel and the devil whispering thoughts into his ears, the extremes of two opposing sides. They were discordant, noisy. He could feel the beating of his heart quicken. The sounds of his atrioventricular valves opening and closing echoed in his eardrums. His breathing became erratically rapid, perhaps to make up for the rate at which blood was racing throughout his body.
The cold sweat only came to a stop when he wound up the pendulum placed on his bedside table, and flicked it with his trembling hands. In an instant, the once silent room was filled with a steady pulse of ticks.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.
His train of thought halted, now fully focused on the rhythmic ticks of the mechanism next to him. Although he hated to admit it, this method had proven to be more than useful throughout his life- even if it was a suggestion from someone he now bore nothing but hatred for. Soon, his frantic heart calmed, gradually returning to how it would usually beat. He no longer felt suffocated. Maybe because it was his day of birth, he didn't feel the pain he usually felt every time he woke up every day.
However, the flow was soon interrupted by a sudden beep, coming from the electronic device situated near the metronome. Its screen glowed and showed a pop-up notification.
“Hina, happy birthday. Go to that sweets cafe you frequent with Gekka and Romeo at 6 p.m. today. The cafe will only serve chirp×chirp starting that time, so you won't need to worry about crowds. We'll be waiting ^-^”
The digits displayed stated that it was 2 p.m., which meant that there was plenty of time till then.
“4 hours…..”
Now, usually the pink-haired boy would just go back to sleep. For some reason unknown this time, however, he didn’t feel like it, despite the scorching sun outside. Therefore, he decided to draw in his sketchbook to pass the time, and soon enough, by the time a page was filled with strokes and colours of all kinds, it was 5 p.m. Dusk would soon be approaching- ergo, the sunset as well.
It was once a period of time he used to despise, as it marked the beginning of the end, and that tomorrow, dawn would soon arrive yet again. But he didn’t hate it as much now, as the hue of the rays reminded him of a dear friend. Even the sun had to go to bed like him, he thought as the deep saffron beams began to peek into his room from the windows.
20 minutes. Now dressed in his usual casual attire, he unlocked the door to his apartment and walked out- not before wearing his gloves, of course.
30 minutes. He'd arrived at the train station. It was noisy. He didn't like it.
50 minutes. Finally, Hina reached his destination after forcing his way through the hustle and bustle of the train station. But for some reason, looking at the brown sign of the cafe written in the all-so familiar Times New Roman font didn't give him as much joy as he'd hoped to feel. Perhaps the crowds dragged his mood down. He opened the door, and the bell rang-
“Happy birthday, Hina!”
In an instant, swirls of vibrant colourful confetti surrounded him as he made his entry. Romeo, Chiaki, and Gekka- they were all smiling cheerfully (Itsuki was also there, but he seemed quite reluctant). Hina saw all the presents they prepared for him, neatly wrapped and laid out on a large table with a strawberry tart in the centre. But something was off.
Hina could hear it, their inner voices. And he only felt one emotion.
Fear.
“Tsk, he actually came… ah well, as long as we make him happy, he'll just go home thinking about how he's loved or somethin’. Dumbass.”
“Ahh, I want to spend more time with Itsuki-san… if only Hina didn't come… it'll be fine, he's easy to handle~”
“Why am I doing this just for this failure of a little brother? I can't believe I chose him as the vocalist of my band. He really has no other good qualities other than knowing how to sing...”
“Ah… ahhhh …”
The nightmare had officially commenced, and the sky began to darken as the sun’s presence faded away little by little. Hina’s frail body began to tremble. He could feel the palpitations of his heart and ivy branches creeping up beneath his neck and suffocating him, strangling him.
“Hina, are you okay?”
Chiaki was smiling, but his words held no warmth nor compassion.
“Oi, pipsqueak, what's wrong?”
Itsuki was the same as usual, but his words felt like deadly poison more than ever.
“Did something happen? Hina, do you want to take a break before we begin your celebration?”
Gekka’s voice sounded gentle as ever, but his words felt cold and distant like the moon.
Even Romeo’s words felt monotonous.
Hina’s pupils dilated at their words, and he could feel his blood rushing through his veins and arteries faster than it had ever been.
They hate me. They hate me. They hate me.
I’m not welcomed. They don’t want me here. They don’t love me anymore……!
But why aren’t they pushing me away? Why are they still treating me kindly? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy
And before he knew it, he had turned his back on them and rushed out of the store filled with pretentious concern and fake sympathy. The poor little bird was so desperate to escape the cage that, he didn’t even hear the rest of his “companions” calling his name out as he ran out. Hina had never been athletic, but his adrenaline pushed him forward, away from the vines that were trying to strangle him.
Then, he ran into a familiar woman.
“Ow, that hurt- Hinata?”
There was only one person in the world that called him Hinata.
“...! It’s, it’s you!”
“Hinata, why are you here? Are you okay?”
“You-You’re still on my side, right…? Right?”
The little bird chirped too soon.
“What do you mean…?”
As Hina gripped her tense shoulders for support after running and running, he could read her thoughts even through his gloves.
“And here I was hoping I’d only have to deal with him after complaining a bit about him a bit to Kyousuke…”
“...Kyousuke…?”
“H-Huh? What about my big brother? Most importantly, are you okay-”
She tried to place one of her hands on Hina’s cheek in an effort to calm him down, but-
“DON’T TOUCH ME!”
He slapped her hand away, and let go of her shoulders as he took a few steps back.
“Hinata…?”
He knew now, why the letter in the morning felt cold.
He knew now, why the words were written in a rush.
He knew now, why he felt uneasy today.
“Don’t…don’t come near me…!”
“Hinata…what happened to you?”
Her words were obviously that of concern, but he could feel it: the contempt laced within her voice. Even the sole person he thought he could open up his heart to and stay together with for an eternity had come to despise him. Betray him.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Hinata, wait-”
The broken bird could no longer take it. The darkness of the night had consumed it whole. It could no longer see the light of the sun.
Hina ran. He ran away, away from someone he thought he could trust, even if the entire world was against him. Even if he was on the verge of collapsing, even if he was on the verge of throwing up, even if he wanted to die- ultimately however, his tears had blinded him from seeing the world clearly. Unfortunate.
“HINATA!”
The bird fled across the road, not realising that the traffic lights had long turned crimson.
Bang.
And it all went black.
Now, he could no longer feel anything.
“...! AH!”
The sunlight infiltrating the room from the gaps of the curtains was piercing as per usual. This morning- no, noon- would probably be the same as every afternoon. The bird woke up from its slumber to see the same old scene, albeit in sweat and terror.
Like always, the left side of the fluffy pink bed was vacant during this time of the day.