Chapter Text
It was that time of the year again – the yearly school trip to another country, to enrichen their knowledge of the world, get to know other cultures and let loose from all the stress during the school year. Since their high school was more on the high-end, they could afford to take that trip to Europe – Austria, the country of nature, alps and famous dead artists. Yamamoto wasn’t the most cultured person, but he had been looking forward to the trip – he always welcomed new and fun experiences. While he’d enjoy the wandering up mountains, others like Gokudera were looking forward more to seeing the sights in the city of Salzburg and visiting museums – the typical nerdy stuff.
Now that they were up the Alm and were taking in the sights, Gokudera could appreciate the views as well and admit that the 4 hours of hiking up the mountain may actually have been worth it. He had been a little grumpy but the beautiful view and slightly chilly but calming, pure breeze on top of the Alm had changed his mind. If only Yamamoto could have that effect on him too sometimes… As fun as it was to rile him up sometimes, be that on accident or on purpose, he found himself wishing to be able to calm the Storm guardian down much like the breeze and view on top of the mountain could. Or Tsuna – that one was the go-to method of turning his ever so present frown upside down.
After they had had their fill of sightseeing on the Alm and had eaten a delicious and hearty meal, that energized them for the hike downtown, the class made their way to go back down. The three of them – Yamamoto, Gokudera and Tsuna – had always been together since middle school and that included their school trip now in high school. Nonetheless Yamamoto had found himself walking last in line, behind the two of them as there wasn’t enough space for all three of them to walk alongside each other. As Tsuna’s self-proclaimed “right-hand man” naturally Gokudera had to walk next to him, to his right. The Rain guardian had the best view of watching the both of them while walking behind them. It wasn’t like they were excluding him or anything – Tsuna made an effort to include him in their conversations and turn around sometimes, whenever it wasn’t too dangerous to do so. Yamamoto too would just give his own two cents or react to their conversation as he could clearly hear them. But even then, he couldn’t help but feel a little sting in his chest every time they ended up like this.
Just then Gokudera suddenly came to a halt, almost making the blackhead bump into him if it weren’t for his quick reflexes.
“AHHHHHHHH! MY PHONE!”, the silver-haired boy exclaimed, panicking.
“What about your phone?”, Tsuna and Yamamoto asked at the same time, even though they had a feeling of what happened to it.
“I forgot it at the restaurant up the Alm. I’ll go get it real quick and meet you downtown!”
“You do know we have been walking down for 90 minutes already, right? Even if it’s you Gokudera, it won’t be as quick as you make it out to be”, Tsuna reasoned.
“Don’t worry Jyuudaime, I will be as quick as I can! My phone does have some sensitive information on it so it would be irresponsible of me to just leave it up there!”
“Fine, but it is getting dark soon. I don’t feel good leaving you up here on your own so let me come with you”, Tsuna worried.
“No, no, no Jyuudaime, I cannot ask that of you! I will be fine on my own!” Gokudera was one stubborn horse, he would never budge on this – all of them knew that.
“I will go with you then Gokudera. That way Tsuna won’t worry”, Yamamoto suggested, which Tsuna quickly agreed with. After a few seconds of mulling it over, the Storm guardian agreed as well, though he didn’t sound very excited about it.
Tsuna assured them that he’d tell the teachers about the situation, while Gokudera promised to give him a call once they had found his phone.
After parting ways with Tsuna and their classmates, they made their way back up to the Alm. For the first few minutes nothing but Gokudera’s mumbling could be heard – how he should have had paid more attention and how much of a disappointment he was, having to clean up after his mess and causing trouble for everyone. “Now, now, it’s not that big of a deal Gokudera. Something like this can happen to everyone”, Yamamoto tried to reassure the other, remind him that nobody was perfect. The Storm guardian let out an annoyed sigh in return, “It is 5 PM now, by the time we’re up again, the sun will have set, which makes our way down all the more dangerous… We might not make it down today, is what I’m saying.”
“Oh… I didn’t realize that…”, Yamamoto admitted.
“Of course you didn’t, baseball idiot”, he sighed yet again, “Well, maybe the restaurant will be nice enough to let us stay there or have someone guide us down – regardless, I’ll be stuck with you for a while.”
“And you still agreed to have me accompany you?”, Yamamoto was surprised. If he had known about this all along, then he basically signed himself up for being stuck with him. Gokudera was quick to defend himself with reddened cheeks, be that because of embarrassment or anger. “Yes… because I don’t want Jyuudaime to worry!” Of course Tsuna would be his reason. The delusional part of Yamamoto’s brain wanted to believe it was just an excuse and Gokudera actually wanted to spend time with him. It wanted to believe that he liked him more than he let on. But alas, those were just his delusions talking, not his voice of reason. That one made sure to hit him like his bat hit a ball, except with the truth – the undeniable fact that Gokudera would never like him the way he did.
Half an hour of silence had passed before Yamamoto suggested to take a quick water break when he noticed the Storm guardian’s pace slowing down. But when he checked his backpack he yelled out in frustration, “Now my water bottle is fucking empty, great. This is just going fantastic!” Yamamoto smiled slightly and handed him his own bottle, “Sharing is caring. Come on, I can’t have you collapsing on me before we reach our destination.” For some reason Gokudera hesitated, before taking him up on the offer with a small “thank you”. He wasn’t sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him or not, but it seemed like his cheeks reddened up just a bit more – was he getting colder? Yamamoto did have to admit that the spring air wasn’t the warmest on top of a mountain. When he gave him his bottle back, he noticed how the silver-haired boy hadn’t drunk much, probably careful not to drink too much just in case they had to live off that until the next day. He may not look like it, but Gokudera was considerate like that.
While hiking back up the mountain, the sun was setting, which would have been scarier if it didn’t make the view 1000 times more beautiful. Yamamoto suggested taking another quick break, partly to admire the view, partly because Gokudera had been visibly getting more frustrated and exhausted the more they walked. The roads weren’t as clear as they had remembered them to be and it felt like they were treading on an unfamiliar path, having strayed from the path they used with their class.
“Geez, how many breaks do you need?! Aren’t you supposed to be the fit one among the two of us, you baseball freak?!”
“Now, now, we might as well enjoy ourselves while we’re up here. It’s not everyday we get to see such a beautiful sunset.” Gokudera crossed his arms, exasperated how Yamamoto could be so calm when they were basically lost on a mountain.
“I don’t know if I should scold you or envy you for your carefree attitude. We will be in big trouble if we don’t find a safe place soon.”
“Well, it has to be up, right? The roads may be unfamiliar but we should be fine as long as we go up. We might find the Alm from the top”, Yamamoto reasoned, which surprisingly managed to calm the other down a little.
“As long as there’s no illusions being played on us anyway”, Gokudera joked. The blackhead laughed, relieved that he managed to calm down enough to joke around. “Don’t worry, I can pretty much see through those by now. I doubt there’s anyone like that around. We’re on vacation, remember?”
“Correction: We’re on a school trip. But sure, let’s go with that”, Gokudera smiled.
Just a few minutes after getting back up from their last break, they spotted one of the funny yellow signs, that showed them the directions. Gokudera nearly jumped out of joy upon spotting it, trying to decipher what it said.
“You don’t know German, do you?” It was almost comical really. “No…", he sighed. "I am such a failure. First I forget my phone with vital data on it, then I get lost on the way back up a mountain and now I can’t even tell where to go from this stupid sign!” He kicked the ground in frustration. Yamamoto knew how upset he must feel, but that was never a valid reason to go insulting himself like this. “You’re always so harsh on yourself Gokudera. Everyone messes up sometimes but mistakes never define a person. You’re much more than that.” Gokudera looked up at him, meeting his eyes properly for the first time today.
“Oh yeah? What defines me then?” Yamamoto felt his face heat up – he could go on an hour long rant about how amazing Gokudera was, but he knew that that wasn’t appropriate so he decided to keep it short. “You always look out for us guardians and Tsuna. I admire the way you combine your genius with your strength and think up great plans. Nobody is more passionate or loyal than you. We can always rely on you so let us do the same for you too sometimes, okay?”
So much for keeping it short, well, he tried – this was still just a brief summary of what he really thought of him. From the way tears were welling up in Gokudera’s eyes, Yamamoto guessed his words had some effect – in a good sense. He didn’t want him to cry though, so he took a step towards him, laid his hand on his shoulder and encouraged him to look at the signs together to figure out where to go.
After following the direction “Hotel Blauracke 3500m”, from the sign, they eventually found a cabin. There were no lights on and upon closer inspection, it didn’t seem like anyone was in it. With Gokudera’s lockpicking skills, getting into the cabin was a piece of cake. When a mafia member was exhausted and freezing from hiking for too long, there was no room left for morals – they just needed a roof over their heads and some warmth.
While Gokudera was working on getting the fireplace inside to work, Yamamoto took a look around the cabin outside. Looking out into the distance, though it was dark, he could tell that it was much higher up than they had been with their class. He could even see the Alm and restaurant they had been at, assuming it was the big building with the lights on. It didn’t look too far away but it was definitely too far away to try and reach now as darkness already engulfed the sky. Speaking of the sky, they should find a way to let Tsuna know that they were safe. When Yamamoto entered the cabin again, he was welcomed by a warm fire place and Gokudera pacing up and down the room, complaining about not being able to contact the Tenth. It seemed like they thought of the same thing.
That’s when it dawned upon Yamamoto. Slightly embarrassed, he took his phone out and scrolled down his contact list. When Gokudera saw what he was doing, he nearly yelled his ear off. “Wait, you had your phone the whole time?!”
“Ahaha… yeah, I sometimes forget I carry it with me since I don’t use it much. Sorry." He scratched his neck in embarrassment, laughing awkwardly. "Hopefully we can reach Tsuna from all the way up here though.” The anticipation and possibility of getting in contact with their friend seemingly spared the Rain guardian from Gokudera’s scolding so they were now both staring at the display, praying for the call to connect. Luckily it did after a few rings and they quickly filled Tsuna in on their current situation (leaving out the lockpicking part of course).
After a few minutes of catching up, Yamamoto handed the phone to Gokudera fully so he could talk to Tsuna one-on-one. The way he talked to him, the way he complained about their journey back up the mountain and ‘being stuck with that baseball idiot’… It was all getting a bit too much. Of course it could have gone better but it could have also been a lot worse. Despite everything, Yamamoto had a good time with him, yet Gokudera was acting like it was the worst thing in the world. He for one enjoyed their hike and the chance to be alone with Gokudera. It was probably the most true alone time they had ever spent together and Gokudera even managed to leave Tsuna’s name out of his mouth for a few hours. He didn’t hate Tsuna of course, he was just feeling jealous – and though he hated feeling like this, he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help the jealousy growing as the days passed by.
Instead of drowning himself in his sorrows, Yamamoto decided to explore the cabin. It was a lot bigger than he initially thought, with there even being a second floor. This being a hotel seemed all the more plausible to him the more he looked around. It was spacious and clean with an oven, a fireplace, a radio and even a TV. The interior was purposefully wooden and old, with peculiar decorations like landscape paintings, crosses and animal trophies. It felt very familiar, like the restaurant they had been at earlier and that one childhood cartoon, Heidi, which he loved to watch as a kid. Yamamoto felt a little bad having broken into such a wonderful place – staying here overnight must cost a fortune. Going up the stairs, he discovered the bedroom and bathroom. Honestly a hot shower was just the thing he needed – that and dinner. His tummy was grumbling already. There had to be some kind of food in here, right?
Searching the kitchen, fridge and storeroom right next to it, Yamamoto found canned chili con carne, fish and beans in tomato sauce, as well as packaged bread that still looked edible and pasta – not half bad, to be honest. The owners of the cabin probably stocked up and cleaned the place regularly. From the ingredients he found, they could probably cook up some chili con carne pasta – Yamamoto knew that Gokudera would like that suggestion. Though Yamamoto would prefer cooking something truly homemade for him, this would have to do for now. It was already better than all that instant food he kept eating when he was alone. He really wished Gokudera would take better care of himself sometimes – he didn’t just treat himself harshly when it came to words, he wasn’t feeding his body the best stuff either. Not to mention he was a smoker. If only he stopped being so stubborn and took up his offers of dining with him and his dad sometimes...
For some reason, Gokudera rarely accepted Yamamoto’s kindness and he had no idea why. Their relationship had massively improved since the first time they met, but there was still something off between them. He had no idea what or why that was though. It felt like there was an invisible barrier between them, something that would always keep them at distance from each other. Perhaps a part of that were Yamamoto’s romantic feelings for Gokudera, afraid of getting closer, scared of his feelings being laid bare and ruining what they had built up the past few years, even putting the Vongola Famiglia at risk. But then… what kept the other at distance from him?
Gokudera finally got off the phone and handed it back to its owner. He told him that Tsuna informed the teachers about their situation and they talked to the people on the Alm and restaurant, who explained that the cabin they were in was a paid part of their establishment. Since nobody had reserved it and it was an emergency, they were willing to make an exception and let them stay there as long as they didn’t make too big of a mess. They also found Gokudera’s phone, which he could pick up the next day at the restaurant from a guy that would guide them down the mountain to make sure they wouldn't get lost again.
“Wow how kind of them!”, Yamamoto exclaimed happily. Gokudera just grunted in response, “Is it kindness or do they just want good reviews? Well, not like it matters.” The Rain guardian sighed, he really was a little ball of negativity sometimes. “You must be hungry right? I found some stuff in the kitchen with which we could cook up some chili con carne pasta. That’s your favourite, isn’t it? Though I can’t guarantee the quality since it’s canned food.” Just like that Gokudera’s face lit up and his mood visibly improved. “Yes, it is! But don’t underestimate the power of chili con carne and pasta. Come on, let’s go!” It was clear that Gokudera had been excited and happy about being able to eat one of his favourite dishes but Yamamoto allowed himself, just for a minute, to believe that part of it was because he remembered that about him.
Gokudera devoured the pasta, reinforcing his previous statement and Yamamoto had to agree that it wasn’t half bad. They made sure to clean up the dishes and kitchen properly after they were done. Afterwards, Yamamoto showed him around the cabin, telling him of his discoveries. Once they got into the bedroom, Gokudera came to a halt before yelling, “THERE IS ONLY ONE BED?!” Yamamoto was unfazed however, having seen it earlier already.
“Yeah, but it’s big enough for the both of us! Why, is that a problem with you?” Gokudera’s face started heating up, not comprehending how the other couldn’t have a problem with the thought of the two of them sharing a bed. Who was the weird one here really?! Not having received an answer yet, the blackhead spoke again, in a more serious tone. “I can take the couch in the other room if you prefer. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” The Storm guardian sighed after a few more seconds of contemplation, still red in the face. “N-no, it’s fine. We’re both exhausted so it’s best if we sleep on a proper bed. It is big enough.. for the both of us.” Yamamoto chuckled at the sight of his flustered friend. It wasn’t as rare of an occurrence anymore but endearing nonetheless. “Alright, it’s settled!” He beamed with that characteristic smile of his. “I’ll wash up first then.”
After they had both taken a shower (separately) and dried their hair, Gokudera mustered up the courage to ask something he had been contemplating in the shower. “The stars are best seen from up high and the light pollution is not a problem here. Do you.. want to come with me take a look outside?” Yamamoto seemed surprised but happily agreed.
The air outside was fresh and cold, but not too cold thanks to their thick jackets and the wool blanket they used to cover their legs. They were sitting down on the veranda-like spot of the cabin and enjoyed the clear view of the night sky. “Wow.. I have never seen the stars shine this bright… This is amazing." Yamamoto was in awe and Gokudera smiled proudly. “Right? I wish we could have this view back home... But I guess both places have their ups and downs.” Yamamoto studied his face for a second, sensing some nostalgia in his words. “Can you see the stars in Italy?” The half Italian turned his head to meet the other’s gaze, surprised by the question. “Well, it depends on where you are but… I could see them just fine from home. Though I admit, this is also my first time seeing them this clearly. Same thing with the moon.” Yamamoto laughed, looking up at the night sky again. “Yeah, the moon is especially beautiful tonight.” Gokudera shyly hummed in agreement, trying not to think about the implication of what he just said. Yamamoto was an idiot, who probably had no romantic bone in him – there was no way he knew about the meaning of those words. Just judging by how carefree he said that… There was no double meaning, there couldn’t be. But that didn’t stop Gokudera from feeling a little sentimental. Something about today made him want to be a little more honest with Yamamoto.
⚾
They spent a few minutes in comfortable silence, gazing at the moon and stars. Gokudera broke it eventually by calling out the other’s name, wanting to tell him something, though he seemed a little hesitant. “I… Thank you. For coming with me to get my phone, lifting me up, cooking for me and all that. I know I don’t say this often but… I really do appreciate you.”
To say that Yamamoto was surprised by Gokudera’s sudden honesty and expression of gratitude was an understatement. He almost wanted to tease him, asking what happened for him to change up so suddenly but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. Instead, he smiled softly. “Maybe it’s not so bad being stuck with me after all, huh?” Gokudera laughed, relieved he didn’t dwell on any details since it was embarrassing enough to say all of that aloud. “Yeah… Guess not. If it’s going to be anyone, I’m glad it’s you.”
“Not even Tsuna?”, Yamamoto asked, regretting it almost immediately.
“Huh?” Oh shit.
“Ahaha I’m just kidding. I can’t compete”, he added quickly, trying to salvage it but Gokudera wasn’t backing off. “What are you implying?” Attempting to brush it off, Yamamoto played the oblivious fool, like he often did. “Huh? I’m not implying anything haha” He didn’t even convince himself with that one. Gokudera shook his head disapprovingly, “No you are. Just to clarify I am not in love with him, I am his right-hand man. Besides, he has affections towards someone else and we both know who.”
“So if his heart wasn’t taken already, you would?” Yamamoto was just digging his own grave at this point but his mouth was faster than his brain. The Storm guardian sighed heavily, “No. I have only ever admired and respected him, nothing more, nothing less.”
“Really? Could have fooled me.”
“Yamamoto… Are you jealous?”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“Ahaha no way.” He was desperate to end this conversation even though it was his fault it ended up like this.
“You are fake laughing way too much, idiot.”
'I guess there is no way around it anymore.'
His fake smile was replaced with a serious expression. “Fine. Maybe I do get jealous at the amount of attention and care you give Tsuna in comparison to me...”, he admitted, before quickly adding in a more light-hearted tone, “But I understand. You’re his right-hand man after all.” Gokudera didn’t seem to expect this kind of answer because he took a few seconds to process what he just heard and think about what to reply. “Oh… I, I am sorry for making you feel left out. I never thought something like that could bother you, I mean you are always so carefree and surrounded by people.”
'Idiot. I couldn’t care less about how many people talk to me if all I want is for you to look at me.'
“I am human too, you know? Just because I smile a lot, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or worries.”
“Of course I know that… though sometimes you don’t really feel human. Like… you’re too perfect. I don’t know, this doesn’t make sense because I know you have your own flaws but… I still think that sometimes”, Gokudera admitted, looking away.
“Eh?? What do you mean you think I am too perfect sometimes?!” Naturally Yamamoto was shocked at what he just heard. If anyone else said that he would already be surprised enough but hearing those words out of Gokudera’s mouth was something else.
“Well… you know…” Gokudera started, scratching his neck in embarrassment, regretting having admitted to something so stupid. “You can do everything – you are strong, smart in battle and pass school just fine though yeah your grades could be better even with my tutoring. You’re handsome, popular, good at baseball and get along with everyone. You don’t have a nasty temper like me and aren’t socially… inept like me.” At this point both of them were blushing like crazy. He never knew that was how Gokudera saw him. Not even in his wildest and sweetest dreams would he have imagined him to throw compliment after jab after compliment at him.
“You… you really mean all of that?”
“Yes idiot, just don’t make me repeat any of it – I’d rather die.” The silver-haired boy’s face was nearly as red as his Storm flames, though he tried his best to hide it by looking in the other direction. That just meant he was being honest. Yamamoto smiled softly. “I get it. Thank you. But don’t talk yourself down like that… Also, what did we say about the suicidal jokes?”
“Oh my god that one wasn’t even-“, Gokudera started to protest but seeing the real concern in the other's brown eyes changed his mind. “Fine.. I’d rather have to look at Bianchi for 24 hours and be stun locked into stomach pains for a day. Better?”
“Better.” Yamamoto started laughing and Gokudera joined in.
After calming down, they continued stargazing a bit more, with Gokudera telling him about the different star signs and showing him their positions. He had to physically show him sometimes by placing his head near the other’s while guiding his hand to the right spot to trace each star sign. It should have been cold but getting close to Yamamoto warmed him up more than he liked to admit. Thanks to the cold temperatures, their breaths were visible, which made him all the more aware of just how close they were.
He may have felt warm inside, but his body was telling a different story. When his cheeks accidentally brushed against Yamamoto’s, the Rain guardian looked at him in worry and brushed his thumbs across them. “You’re cold, Gokudera, come on let’s go inside and warm up. What if you catch a cold?” He was right of course, but it hadn't bothered him personally and honestly, he didn’t want to end their moment just yet. But that’s just the kind of person Yamamoto was – he cared a lot about his friends and put them above himself. Gokudera nodded, so they walked back inside, took off their jackets and shoes and made themselves comfortable with another blanket on the couch in front of the fireplace.
They were pretty much huddled up against each other, which certainly accelerated the process of warming up. Of course that was the only reason they were in such close proximity to each other. The clock on the wall read 9 PM, which wasn’t quite bed-time yet. “Are you tired?” Yamamoto asked him but Gokudera just shook his head. “Not yet. Let’s see if the TV works.”
After a few minutes of figuring out the controls of the remote and monitor, the screen lit up with a baseball game running. “Ohh, what are the chances! Come on, let’s watch it. I’ve never seen an Austrian baseball game before!” It was hard turning him down when he sounded like an excited little puppy so Gokudera got back under the blanket. “Fine. Don’t blame me if I fall asleep though.” Yamamoto laughed in response, “Don’t worry, I’ll carry you into bed if you do.” Seriously, with that innocent smile of his, there was no way he meant anything by it but it still had an effect on him. Curse this stupid crush. He grunted, “I’ll try to stay awake then.”
“Come on, come on… YES!”, Gokudera cheered when Italy scored another home run. Yamamoto had been casually cheering for Austria, but that seemed to be the wrong team as Italy was kicking their ass – as expected, that was his country after all. The Rain guardian was a bit discouraged but overall he seemed more amused than anything, smiling smugly.
“What are you smiling for, your team is losing!” Gokudera complained but Yamamoto only laughed. “I just didn’t expect you to enjoy it this much.” He did have a point. “Hah, that’s just because Italy is playing and winning! As a half Italian myself, I have to cheer for them. You rooting for the loser team just makes it all the more fun”, he stuck his tongue out like a child. “Oh we’re being bratty now, are we?” Gokudera had a bad feeling about this.
Just then, the blackhead launched himself towards him and started tickling him all over, his sides, tummy and neck. It was a mistake ever letting him know that he was ticklish – now he had to bare the consequences. Gokudera was struggling to fight back because he was laughing way too much and trying to protect his vulnerable spots all at the same time. “Apologize and I’ll stop”, Yamamoto gave him a chance.
“N…never.”
“Then suffer.”
Somehow the tickling became even more intense. There had to be some way to fight back. Using his feet to kick the other slightly, Gokudera created an opening to turn the situation around – he was now on top of him, missing not a single second to start tickling the other. He quickly realized that his weak spots were his armpits, which made it more difficult for him to fight back. “I got you now”, he smirked. Their laughter filled the whole room and they were completely in their own world, fighting for who would yield first.
That joy didn’t last long though because suddenly Yamamoto wrapped himself against him and threw the both of them off the couch down to the floor, while protecting Gokudera’s head at the same time. The baseball idiot was now on top of him again, with a hand holding the back of his head and the other resting on his chest, holding his right hand down. “I give up”, he said with a soft smile. Neither of them broke the eye contact, instead choosing to gaze deeply into the other’s eyes, studying each other’s faces, figuring out what this meant. Both of them wanted to close that distance between them, but both were too scared to commit to it, to cross that boundary. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, neither wanting to ruin the moment nor progress it any further – the real consequences were too scary. Neither of them had experience with this sort of thing. Yet. All that Gokudera knew in that moment was that something was sparking between them, something he didn’t think was possible. He wanted to kiss him, he longed to know what it felt like to have Yamamoto’s lips on his own. He truly wanted to be honest with his feelings but all he had done so far was hide and try to ignore them. Something like a kiss couldn’t be taken back and he was scared to ruin it all like he usually did. This was one important thing he couldn’t afford to mess up.
Yamamoto hadn’t felt much different, he wanted to take that step but knew he shouldn’t – it was too risky. But from everything that happened today and what was happening right now, it didn’t seem like his feelings were as unrequited as he initially thought. At the very least, the potential for Gokudera to feel the same was there – if not now, maybe in the future. A chance. And if Yamamoto had a chance, he would take it.
But he was a patient man, he had loved him for four years already, waiting for a bit longer wasn’t going to kill him.
“I win then.” Gokudera finally broke the silence. If he looked at Yamamoto’s eyes any longer, he wouldn’t be able to control himself anymore, especially when he was smirking like that. He had always been impulsive but he was trying to work on that lately – this being exactly one such situation, that needed to be navigated with more care and less impulsivity that could lead to unwanted consequences. “Let’s go to bed, it’s getting late”, Yamamoto said as he got up from the floor, releasing Gokudera from his grasp. Though he already missed his hands touching him, he agreed. They had to get up early tomorrow and reconvene with Tsuna and their class.
Thankfully the atmosphere wasn’t too awkward after what had just happened, but they quickly got ready for bed anyway. Once they laid down back to back and said good night to each other, Gokudera found himself painfully aware of how close they were still. Knowing how messy of a sleeper he was, he wouldn’t be surprised if they woke up in each other’s arms tomorrow. Even though it might complicate things, he secretly hoped for it to happen.
The events of today still played in his head like a movie, preventing him from getting any sleep. It was a lot to process and he knew sleeping would help but maybe he had to reflect on it consciously before he could sleep in peace.
Gokudera had had feelings for Yamamoto for quite some time but he never realized or admitted them to himself until two years ago. Nothing special really happened, except maybe they started high school and he found himself hoping to end up in the same class as Yamamoto, not just Tsuna.
It wasn’t just that but in high school more and more people made their affections for Yamamoto clear, which meant he had been surrounded by people even more than in middle school – no matter where, he was just popular like that. That also meant that on Valentine’s Day he would get a mountain of chocolates from girls and boys alike, and though he shared them with Tsuna and him, Gokudera had felt a complex combination of emotions at the time: jealousy and pride. He knew Yamamoto cared more about him, about his close friends, than any of those people. But he also felt upset that they even dared to try and get close to him. He didn’t understand why they kept chasing him, what they admired so much without even knowing him properly – until one day, he did. Again, nothing special happened, he just remembered that he must have felt something similar when he met Yamamoto for the first time. Like he confessed to him earlier, Yamamoto was bound to be popular with the way he got along with everyone, was good at sports and had good looks.
Something he still couldn’t understand though was, what the point of giving someone chocolate was, if you knew they didn’t feel the same way about you. Wasn’t that just being a bother? Did they make peace with the fact because they didn’t know him that well? Because nothing was at stake? It was when he asked himself those questions, that he realized that he was the one with affections towards Yamamoto, knowing he wouldn’t ever return his feelings.
Since then, he tried to forget about them, ignore them – to move on. But being so close to him and seeing him everyday didn’t make that easy, no, it made it impossible. It is because he knew him so well, that he believed him to be uninterested in boys, or even girls – Yamamoto didn’t strike him as the type to care about relationships as much as he did about his friendship. All that could fit in that brain of his were probably just baseball and his friends anyway. He brushed the other being touchy and affectionate off as him just being a kind, puppy-like person. And he genuinely was kind, which is why he treated everyone well – Gokudera wasn’t special to him, he treated him just like everyone else. At least that’s what he thought.
Gokudera didn’t believe himself to be loveable, not romantically – why would anyone ever want him as a partner? By now, he knew that his friends and famiglia loved him and he treasured that more than anything. But he couldn’t see himself in a relationship, even with… no. Especially not with Yamamoto. He was too bright for him, too good, too perfect. It’s not like he would ever want him anyway, that was just wishful thinking on his side.
Or was it? It’s what he believed for many years, but now? Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. The way he so carefully looked out for him, remembered his favourite dish, checked if he was cold by touching his face, said two double-meaning sentences within not even an hour and not to mention how he looked at him when he was on top of him. There was so much longing, uncertainty, hope, passion and a certain smugness in his eyes then, it felt like looking in a mirror, because that's exactly what he had felt at the time. Or maybe he was just projecting.
Just thinking about how Yamamoto gave up in their tickling fight while he obviously had the upper hand by being on top of him and restricting one of his hands made him feel all giddy and hot.
There was no way none of that meant anything, right? Yamamoto even admitted to being jealous of the attention and care he gave to the Tenth in comparison to him – the question was just if that was jealousy as a friend or if there was more to it.
Now with that tiny sliver of hope, Gokudera debated himself what to do from here on out. Should he go for it or keep hiding? Having hope could be such a wonderful, yet dangerous thing that could either lead to happiness or despair depending on the outcome. He wasn’t sure how he’d react if his hopes were crushed and turned out to just be delusions on his end.
But that was something future him could think about in more detail. For now, he was drifting into a deep slumber, finally able to rest his mind and body from this eventful day.