Chapter Text
Shiho was the candy that fate dangled in front of Ichika, so close yet so far - always just out of reach.
Ichika didn’t know how to deal with it. At first, she thought she would move on, that she would forget about everything as if it hadn’t happened at all. But she just couldn’t.
It was one of those days when it was all she could think about. She wondered what would have been different if Shiho, Saki and Honami were all still there with her. Would Ichika have been happy? She really didn’t know. Of course, she still spoke to Saki, but it was different without the others there. With just the two of them, it hurt.
Ichika had no friends and she saw little reason to make new ones. After all, if they were just going to end up like the "friendships” she had previously, they would surely only bring sorrow in the end. She could already see the ending, intense and distressful, before the beginning had even happened. She no longer had the energy to face that kind of pain. She supposed that made her a coward.
She sat on the wooden bench located behind the main school building in complete silence. The sky above was dark and melancholy, gray clouds hanging overhead in a jumbled manner. Ichika turned her head and stared at the lunch box placed next to her side, which she had packed for herself in the morning. She didn’t know why she had bothered. She didn’t have any appetite whatsoever.
The familiar - and what should have been comforting - sight of freshly-cut grass and stillness of everything around her only seemed to taunt her, a cruel reminder as to how she probably could have enjoyed the beauty of the view, if only she wasn’t so alone.
Ichika’s hands clenched into balls as her eyes wandered over the courtyard. She had chosen this place to be alone but it seemed that there were still people around. Three students walked side by side and with a start, Ichika recognised one of them as Honami. Honami and her two new friends.
Their eyes sparkled with excitement as they spoke, probably making jokes or whatever it was that friends did. Ichika watched Honami smile and laugh as she walked past the bench, not even sparing a glance in Ichika’s direction. Ichika wanted to turn away, to avoid looking at anything altogether, but she couldn’t muster the strength to move.
It was almost as if Ichika was in a movie theatre as an audience member, forever fated to watch the world through the lens of someone else. There wasn’t a place for her in anyone’s world. Wasn’t it her fault, though? She had chosen to be alone. She didn’t have the right to complain about something she had done to herself.
Even so, Ichika hated it. She hated it with all her heart.
***
Ichika was always glad when the school day ended.
She walked slowly down the hallway and out of the exit until she reached the front school gates. There was an uncomfortable heaviness in her chest, crushing her down with a strange feeling. She scanned the crowd of familiar faces and saw no point in starting a conversation with any of them. She didn’t speak much to other people nowadays, anyway.
She was just about to leave the premises when she caught sight of Shiho, her back turned and by herself. Ichika’s heart tightened. Some part of her yearned to fix things between them, to finally be able to be with Shiho like before. She missed Shiho. She missed Shiho so much that it was unbearable.
Before Ichika could stop herself, she walked over to Shiho. Maybe they could talk things out.
Ichika knew that she was lying to herself. She knew that could never happen.
“Shiho…” Ichika said hesitantly, much louder than she had intended.
Shiho turned around, her expression guarded and her eyes, mirthless and cold, narrowing as she returned Ichika’s gaze. Ichika immediately regretted her decision. Shiho clearly hated her. How stupid Ichika had been to think Shiho still cared about her.
“Oh.” Shiho replied, her voice flat and empty of life. “What do you want?”
Ichika swallowed hard. Truthfully, she didn’t know what exactly she wanted either. “I was hoping we could-“
“No.” Shiho cut her off without even hearing the rest of the sentence. Ichika flinched at the utter animosity in Shiho’s tone. “Leave me alone.”
“But… Just hear me out, please. I miss you…! I- I miss all of you…” Ichika stammered. Her argument was weak. She couldn’t do anything to change Shiho’s mind. “Why can’t it be like before?”
“… You miss me? That’s…” Shiho responded after a small pause. “How many times have I told you to just go away?”
“But… but…” Ichika began.
“Just leave me alone.” Shiho snapped. “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
Ichika opened her mouth to speak but, realising how pathetic she would sound, shut it. There was nothing left for her. It was probably best to just give up and accept anything that happened. She would always be alone. She didn’t deserve anyone. Tears stabbed behind her eyes and she angrily wiped them away. She turned around without another word and walked off.
The void that consumed Ichika was harsh and heavy, a deep numbness which dulled every other feeling but regret.
***
Sleep refused to come to Ichika.
The house was eerily quiet. Ichika rolled over and rubbed her eyes, frustrated with her inability to control her rest. She was tired of everything. So very tired.
Her thoughts swirled in random directions, not allowing her to forget the conversation she had had with Shiho earlier that day. She pulled the blanket over her tighter as she recalled the events. It was like a weight was compressing her, not letting her go, making it hard to breathe.
Ichika didn’t understand why Shiho was being like this. Well actually, she did. She just wanted to avoid that idea altogether. Was Ichika really that replaceable? Was she really not needed by anyone?
Minutes flew past, maybe hours.
After some time, Ichika slowly sat up and left the safety of her bed. Her throat felt dry. She needed to do something to dispel the melancholy in her heart. She walked softly out of the room, careful not to wake anyone else. Her muffled footsteps echoed down the staircase. She eventually reached the kitchen, flicked on the light switch and began to fill a cup of water in a glass. Water fell vertically from the faucet with a calming sound.
That was when she noticed it. A gleam of silver belonging to a knife. It wasn’t a very large knife. The blade was slender and sharp, but otherwise unremarkable. Ichika stared at it, entranced in its dullness. It was as if it was calling to her, demanding her full attention.
Ichika’s grip tightened around the glass of water. It suddenly felt heavy in her hand. Her pulse quickened. What was wrong with her? She took a small step back, not wanting to get too close to the knife. She forced herself to avert her gaze, to move even a little bit, but her eyes kept unwillingly returning to the blade. No, she wasn't going to give in. She wasn’t.
But maybe she could. Just this once. No one would have to know. She could just keep it to herself, a secret she’d take to the grave. Yes.
Just once.
Hesitantly, she placed the glass on the counter and picked up the knife, her trembling hand curling around the wooden hilt. The air in the kitchen suddenly felt thick and warm, like it was bearing down on her.
Ichika rolled up her sleeve and brought the blade close to her wrist. She closed her eyes for a moment, steadying her shallow breaths. It would all be okay if she punished herself for being the way she was. It would definitely be okay after this.
She looked down at her hand which clutched the knife tight. Her knuckles were pale. Thoughts twisted within her. She felt so empty. Barely even a shell of a human being. Ichika’s eyes flickered to the knife one last time. Her hands shook unsteadily. She inhaled deeply, made up her mind and moved.
The first cut wasn’t so bad. It gave Ichika relief. She never really understood why people harmed themselves. It had only seemed strange to her. It was good that she now understood the feeling. After a second, the cut began to sting and burn, but in a good way. The deep scarlet blood was a complete contrast to her almost ghost-like skin.
Ichika ignored the jagged pain that shot through her forearm as she brought the knife close once again.
***
“Hi, Icchan!” Saki called from her hospital bed, smiling and waving warmly at Ichika as she entered. She winced as she carefully sat up. “It’s been a while since you last visited. I’m glad to see you!”
Ichika sat on the stool next to Saki’s bed, pulling it in so it was closer. “Hi, Saki.”
“Hey, are you okay…?” Saki asked worriedly. “You don’t look so good.”
“I should be the worried one.” Ichika replied, trying to keep her tone light and carefree. She wanted to avoid Saki’s question at all costs. “… How have you been recently?”
“I’m fine, I think, otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to visit me! It’s just a little boring here.” Saki said. “What about you? I want to talk about you today, okay? You seem a little different.”
Ichika looked down at her hands which were folded on her lap. She had made sure to wear a long-sleeve sweater today. Ichika’s throat tightened. She didn’t want to hide things from Saki. Ichika felt so selfish, thinking about herself when Saki was the one in the hospital. She didn’t want to burden anyone with her insignificant problems.
“I’m okay, don’t worry about me.” Ichika mumbled unconvincingly, clenching her sleeve tight.
“Are you sure?” Saki’s eyes were full of understanding and this only made Ichika feel guiltier.
“Yeah.” Ichika nodded weakly.
“Fine. Let’s talk about something else. Hm…” Saki said thoughtfully. She hesitated for a second before speaking again, her face full of concern. “How… how have the others been…?”
Ichika shifted in her seat, fidgeting uncomfortably with her hands. Her gaze dropped to the floor in thought. She didn’t know how to answer. She couldn’t tell Saki about their falling-out. It would only upset her. Ichika didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. She didn’t speak to Honami, and Shiho... Ichika really didn’t want to think about Shiho.
Ichika’s nails dug into her palms. “They’re okay.”, she said.
“Oh, that’s good!” Saki smiled fondly. Then her expression changed into one of longing. She looked down at the white sheets. “I miss them a lot, you know…”
“… They miss you too.” Ichika responded, her tone strained. That was a big lie and she knew it. She wasn’t sure if they missed Saki at all.
“It’ll be fine.” Saki said softly, gently reaching over and squeezing Ichika’s hand. “I don’t know what’s going on but it’ll be fine, okay?”
Suddenly, Saki frowned as she looked down at Ichika’s hand - or more specifically her arm. White bandages, wrapped tightly; like a shield, hiding something.
“Icchan… what is this?” Saki’s face froze in shock, her fingers brushing against Ichika’s sleeve, her voice trembling.
She tried to bring Ichika’s hand closer to her, but Ichika quickly snatched it away and got up urgently. A shadow passed over Ichika’s face as she looked at Saki. Saki’s eyes were wide and filled with fear.
“It’s nothing.” Ichika said quickly. “Really, it’s nothing.”
“Icchan… you can tell me… What’s wrong?” Saki said frantically, her voice cracking with disbelief. “I can- I can help you.”
The white walls of the hospital seemed to close in on Ichika, confining her to this little place that she couldn’t escape. She didn’t want help. She didn’t need help.
Ichika turned to the door and ran out of the room desperately. She squeezed her eyes shut as she ran. Saki just wanted to help her and Ichika had denied it like a spoiled child. She had ruined her one and only friendship.
***
Ichika just wanted to disappear.
If no one needed her, she had no purpose in the world. She slowly walked up the staircase leading to the rooftop, her steps slow and measured. Ichika craved someone else’s love. That was all she really needed to convince her to live on. Even if her life continued to be painful, the care of another would save her. She knew this, and yet she also knew that you couldn’t have everything in life.
Ichika stared at the metal door of the entrance, her fingers against the handle, contemplating her decision. She wasn’t going to do anything drastic, of course. She just needed to be alone and this was the only place she could think of.
The moments with Saki from the day earlier dredged up painful memories; and she pulled her sleeve higher so it completely covered her hand. She couldn’t let anyone find out. She couldn’t.
Before she could turn the handle, however, she heard faint voices coming from the other side of the door.
Shiho’s voice.
Ichika’s heart lurched at the sound. There was another voice too, though, a soft and kind one. She moved her head closer to the door but she could only catch a few words from here and there.
“My fingers don’t hurt as much as before. Thanks…” the voice said, muffled.
“It’s fine.” Shiho replied. The smile could distinctly be heard in the way she spoke.
Ichika blinked. She felt so betrayed. She wanted Shiho to herself. She wasn’t supposed to be listening to this conversation. She wasn’t supposed to be here. Not with Shiho. This other person had taken Ichika’s place. She was just being a creep, eavesdropping on their conversation as if she had the right to do something as weird as that.
Ichika quietly turned away from the door. She felt a knot in her stomach. She really had been replaced by someone else.
***
Ichika ran her fingers over the bandage. She had told herself it was going to be the last time. She wasn’t going to give in to the urge again.
The temptation whispered in her ear, telling her it would make the pain stop. Maybe it would. She just needed to do it one more time and everything would actually be okay. It was all her fault. It was her fault that her friends didn’t like her anymore.
Ichika haphazardly undid the bandage, threw it on the floor of her bedroom and stared down at the scars which only seemed to accumulate by the day. Too many to count.
One more couldn’t hurt.