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Anakin strolled through the Jedi Temple, his mind on Padmé. How unfair it was that he couldn’t shout about how much he loved his wife to everyone he met! It had been horribly inconsiderate of the Jedi to make the rules without considering what Anakin wanted. He was going to get in charge and change that.
So he went and found Mace Windu.
“Master Windu, can I be a Jedi Master?” said Anakin.
“No,” said Master Windu.
“Why not?” said Anakin angrily.
“Because I don’t like you,” said Mace. And then he walked away.
Anakin was furious! Everyone should like him! And they should let him get whatever he wanted, too! When he was in charge, he was going to add those to the rules. But if Windu wouldn’t listen to him, he was going to have to get some backup.
“Ahsoka, I need your help,” said Anakin.
“What is it, Skyguy?” said Ahsoka.
“We’re going to make the Council change their stupid rules,” said Anakin.
“How are we going to do that?” said Ahsoka, tilting her head.
“You’re going to back me up when we tell the Council that they’re out of touch and need to do as we say to fix it, and tell them that if they don’t do it, we’re going to leave and make our own Jedi Order, with amatonormativity, and emotional instability!” said Anakin. “Oh, and we should go get Obi-Wan to help too.”
“Okay,” said Ahsoka. “It’s not like it would take me suffering a personal betrayal from my best friend and making a series of bad decisions resulting in me losing faith in myself to consider leaving the Order. Actually despite it being my home since I was a toddler, secretly I’ve always wanted that and have no complicated feelings about leaving whatsoever.”
“Great!” said Anakin. “Let’s go find Obi-Wan.”
They found Obi-Wan in his quarters, sipping tea and doing paperwork or something on a datapad. He was bleeding in several places, and some of his limbs were twisted at odd angles.
“Obi-Wan! You’re injured!” shouted Anakin.
“Oh, no, I’m fine,” said Obi-Wan.
“You’re not fine!” said Anakin. “You’re bleeding all over the floor. I can see bone sticking out of your leg!”
“It’s not that serious, Anakin, calm down.”
“Nope, I know better than you, Obi-Wan. And I’m going to force you to undergo unwanted medical treatment against your will, something that definitely wouldn’t violate any trust you have in me whatsoever.”
He picked Obi-Wan up and started dragging him out of the room.
“And I’ll go along with it because I have crippling self-worth issues and can’t possibly choose to do anything for myself,” said Obi-Wan. “Oh, hello, Ahsoka. What are you doing here?”
“Anakin recruited me to help him get the Council to change the Jedi Code,” said Ahsoka.
“What?” said Obi-Wan.
“No, listen, Obi-Wan. This is what you want, actually. We’re going to get the Order to allow attachment. Then you’ll be free to go marry Satine and have a bunch of babies and murder anyone who looks at any of them wrong!”
Obi-Wan frowned. “I don’t think the rest of Mandalore would be happy about that. And Satine doesn’t want babies.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Obi-Wan,” said Anakin. “Everyone wants babies.”
“I don’t want babies,” said Ahsoka.
“That’s because the Jedi brainwashed you,” said Anakin. “They taught you to suppress your natural feelings.”
“Oh,” said Ahsoka.
They dumped Obi-Wan in an infirmary bed and Anakin held him down as he protested against the healer swarming around to provide medical treatment. Eventually, they drugged him up and left him to rest.
Obi-Wan started crying.
“What’s wrong?” said Anakin.
“I’m so miserable, Anakin,” said Obi-Wan, “and I can’t admit it when I’m sober because obviously all that stuff about mindfulness and meditation and examining your emotions and not letting them control you is all meaningless bunk meant to make people do the exact opposite. I’m so unfulfilled and repressed and am actually more emotionally unstable than you are.”
“You see! This is why we have to change the rules,” said Anakin.
Obi-Wan’s crying gradually stopped, giving way to a morose resignation.
“That won’t do anything for me,” said Obi-Wan. “The universe has it out for me personally, you know. It wants me to suffer and nothing I do will ever change that. I had a terrible childhood, Anakin. And of course I’ve convinced myself I deserved it, because how can we have proper angst if we don’t commit to the melodrama of it all?”
“Poor Obi-Wan,” said Anakin sympathetically. “Don’t worry, I’m a well adjusted normal person with no trauma or childhood related emotional problems, so I’ll show you how to properly address your emotions. Sometimes it involves murder, isn’t that exciting? The clones will help too, nothing like men raised in isolation, bought and bred for fighting and dying for a Republic they were never part of, to teach the Jedi to be normal. And being normal is the most important thing, of course.”
“Do you want me to go get other people to present your ideas to the Council?” said Ahsoka.
“We don’t need anyone else,” said Anakin. “Once Obi-Wan is healed up, we’ll go to the Council. Until then, you can help me workshop my speech.”
Not too long later, Anakin stood in front of the Council as he closed out that speech he had worked so hard on.
“…And in conclusion, that’s why you suck, and the Jedi Council sucks, and the Jedi Order sucks, and if you don’t overhaul the whole thing to be exactly the way I want, I, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka are going to leave and start our own branch of Jedi, and then everyone is going to see how much better and cooler and more fun we are and abandon you to join our Order. So, what are you going to do about it?”
Anakin paused, and waited for the Council’s response.
There was just silence, except for the sounds of Adi Gallia, Depa Billaba, Eeth Koth, and Ki-Adi Mundi playing an intense but quiet game of sabacc. They’d played eighteen rounds while Anakin had been speaking.
Anakin frowned. It wasn’t like he was expecting applause – no, actually, he was. He gave a quick glare at Ahsoka and Obi-Wan until they put a couple half-hearted claps together, then turned back to Master Windu. Who still hadn’t said anything.
“Did any of you even listen to anything I said?” said Anakin.
“I understand that you’re withdrawing from the Order,” said Master Windu. “May the Force be with you in your journeys.” It sounded like a canned response.
Anakin’s frown turned into a scowl. “I should’ve known that you’d all be too arrogant to change the rules a little. Well, fine. We’re leaving, then. You’ll regret this, someday.” And he turned and left the Council room for the last time, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka trailing behind.
.
.
“Gone at last, they are,” Yoda said. “Celebrate, we must.” He reached down to the side of his chair and flipped a hidden switch, revealing a disco ball that descended from the Council room ceiling as music filled the space, with a strong bass that could be felt in the bones.
“Finally!”
“Such a relief.”
“I’ve got the alcohol,” Plo said, procuring it from a hidden compartment. “It is a pity that little ‘Soka was caught up in it, but it will be much more pleasant in the Temple now without Obi-Wan moping around and Anakin storming around the place.”
“Indeed,” Mace said. “You could almost hear the ominous soundtrack playing whenever he’d glare at someone. As for Ahsoka, keep faith in her, my friend. She may wise up and return when she tires of getting stuck in the middle of their dysfunctional nonsense.”
“She is still young,” Plo agreed. “I only hope that she does not bring Anakin back with her. Let him remain Senator Amidala’s problem now.”
Yoda hummed out an agreement.
“Very annoying, he was,” he said.