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If she’d had her way, Annleigh would’ve preferred to pretend this day didn’t exist.
In a truly perfect world, they’d skip right over it. Go straight from Wednesday to Friday, erase this particular Thursday from existence. Annleigh would go on with her life as previously scheduled, without thinking about… well. That. And if Thursday couldn’t be skipped entirely, then Annleigh would at least want to pretend it was truly just another Thursday, like the date August 26th didn’t mean anything to her.
But of course, it wasn’t a perfect world, and it wasn’t just another Thursday.
So instead, Annleigh made sure she had the day off from work and pretended to sleep in until her roommates had all left. She skipped breakfast, not having much of an appetite, and made a mug of chamomile tea instead, hoping it would settle her nerves. She settled herself on the couch, picked an audiobook to listen to, and stared out the window, waiting for the call.
It came around 11:30, despite her hopes that it wouldn’t, and she did her best to feign pleasantness as she picked up.
“Hi, Mom,” she said, pausing her audiobook.
“Hi, honey,” her mom said. This year, at least, her voice wasn’t still thick with tears, but it was laced with an undeniable sadness. “How are you holding up?”
“Oh, you know…” Annleigh drummed her fingers against her mug. “I took the day off work. Rachel and Olivia are both out all day. I’m just… hanging in there.”
“I can’t believe it’s been six years since Farrah.”
And there it was.
Annleigh squeezed her eyes shut. “I know. It’s… been a while.”
At this point, Farrah had been gone much longer than she’d ever been in Annleigh’s life. Their parents had gotten married about two years before Farrah had died, and they’d only met about a year before the wedding. But her death still cast a shadow over Annleigh, and with every passing year, Annleigh lost a little more hope that she’d ever escape it.
She talked with her mom and her stepfather for a little while, but it soon became clear that her stepfather really just wanted to be alone today, so she said her goodbyes and hung up at the first opportunity. After that came the phone call with Clark’s mother, who was already crying when Annleigh called her and never quite stopped for the almost hour that they talked. By the time she finally put her phone down after that call, Annleigh was truly drained, but it was barely 1:30 by now and she still had half the day to get through.
She stayed on the couch for a while, considering her options, and eventually decided that it might be best to try to maintain some sense of normalcy. So she got up, got dressed, and grabbed the grocery list from the fridge, because she might as well take advantage of the day off to get some errands done, right?
And at first, that worked fine. She headed to the mall first, because she’d been needing new sneakers, and then wandered around for a while, window-shopping. It had gotten easier by now, seeing a shirt and imagining Farrah begging her to spot her a few dollars for it, or seeing a book and imagining Clark adding it to his TBR list, but she decided it was time to move on when she spotted a few teenagers in the food court, laughing and talking loudly and annoying everyone around them. They reminded her of Farrah, particularly the dark-haired girl with her hair in a French braid, and Annleigh headed straight for the exit, taking deep breaths to slow her heartbeat as she climbed into the car.
Next was Target, because they were out of laundry detergent and paper towels. Annleigh slowed near the makeup section, considering getting herself a little something to get through this day, but then she saw the glitter nail polishes that Farrah used to love and decided to buy herself some new markers for the whiteboard schedule in her room instead.
After Target was the grocery store to finish off the rest of the list, and this was the easiest. Annleigh focused on the list, on remembering which type of apples Rachel preferred and which granola bars Olivia wanted, and even had to go on a little adventure to figure out where they’d moved all the cream cheese, which kept her mind nice and busy. The cashier who always reminded her of Clark wasn’t working today, either, so checking out was stress-free, and she even ran into a friend in the parking lot and stopped to have a chat, which was nice.
All in all, Annleigh was feeling pretty good about the day as she drove home. She’d been gone for several hours, making sure to fill up the afternoon, and she made it home just before 5:00. Olivia and Rachel both would get home around 6:00, so Annleigh figured she’d be nice and make dinner, and then they could all eat together tonight (and Annleigh wouldn’t have to be alone).
It was a great plan, and it started out really well. Annleigh made that pesto chicken pasta that Rachel liked, the three of them ate dinner together, and Olivia took over the conversation with a story about the meeting she’d had that afternoon. Neither of them knew about Farrah and Clark yet—Annleigh had told them she’d been feeling a little under the weather that morning, but she’d miraculously recovered and was feeling much better now, thanks—and Olivia took over the dishes while Annleigh and Rachel retreated to their rooms.
All in all, Annleigh considered the day a success. She’d held it together very well, and was even feeling stable enough to think about spending the evening watching Clark’s favorite movie when the text came in.
we survived the giles corey tigers and all we got was this stupid group chat
7:48 P.M.
Kate: happy 6 years guys
Annleigh almost swore under her breath. She’d called her parents, called Clark’s family, but she’d kind of hoped to avoid having to talk to this particular group this year. Sometimes it helped, but other times… she just ended up feeling worse.
Cairo: Not sure “happy” is the word I’d pick
Kate: what would you like me to say?
Cairo: I was thinking a “Hey, how are you guys doing today?” or something
Kate: how about a “shitty 6 years”
Reese: “A miserable six years”
Kate: “oh gd how are we still alive and relatively sane 6 years”
You are not funny.
Reese: Ur totally smiling tho
Cairo: Anybody feeling up for a Skype call?
Annleigh’s first instinct was to say no, but she knew she should. This had become a tradition, and as much as she dreaded it, she also knew that it was good for her and for everyone else to hear each other’s voices and feel a little less alone with their memories.
Cairo started the Skype call, and one by one, they all joined. They all kept up with each other on Instagram, and they texted every so often, but they only really talked once a year, on August 26th. Mattie had cut her hair, Eva had a new piercing on the upper part of her ear, and Cairo had gotten a new tattoo on her wrist that Annleigh noticed when she reached up to brush her hair out of her face.
At first, they just made idle small talk, catching up on the last year. Mattie was leaving in a few days to head back to California for her junior year of college; Cairo was slowly killing herself in law school, but enjoying it at least; Eva had gotten into her grad program at MIT but was deferring enrollment for a year to give herself a break, and she and Kate had moved in together in Boston after four years of long distance so Kate and her coach, Toni, could keep working on getting Kate ready for what would hopefully be her second Olympiad next summer; and Reese had just booked a role off-Broadway that she was really excited about.
When it was Annleigh’s turn, she told them about the master’s program she was starting soon, and how her new roommates were really nice. She talked about how the church she’d started attending in her new town was so welcoming, and how there was a guy who’d been walking her to her car after the service every Sunday, which they all gently teased her about.
But of course, the topic eventually turned to the elephant in the room when Reese asked Kate about how her Olympic training was going.
“Pretty good,” Kate answered. “Toni thinks I’ve got a pretty good shot at L.A., especially since I was on the team in Paris.” Her smile faltered a little. “She, um… she and I quit early and went out for lunch today. I was, um… on the beam, and I just started thinking about Chess, and I stopped in the middle of a routine and couldn’t stop crying.”
Eva put an arm around her, which made Annleigh think of Clark, and a lump appeared in her throat.
“It was nice to be with her, though,” Kate continued in a soft voice. “We just… talked about her for a while. I mean, before me and Paris, there was Chess and Tokyo, you know? Toni was her coach, too.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I- yeah, it’s good. I’m good.”
The silence hung in the air for a moment. Annleigh wondered what the rest of them were thinking about.
“I texted Clark’s mom a couple hours ago,” Reese finally said. “I sent her flowers a few days ago, too, but I guess they didn’t get there in time.” She sighed. “They’re always so nice to me, and I know they don’t really blame me, but… I just wish there was something more I could do to… fix it, I guess.”
“I get it,” Cairo said. “I mean, maybe not entirely, but like… I get it. I always think about… calling her, and asking her what I did wrong. Like, if I’d been a better best friend…” She shrugged. “I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still…”
“Blame yourself,” Annleigh finished quietly. “Like if you’d paid more attention, none of this would’ve happened.”
“Exactly.” Cairo shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s just… a hard day. Every year.”
It’s quiet for a while longer, but not in an awkward way. Annleigh quietly started crying, and when she looked, Kate and Reese were, too, but nobody says anything. It was enough to know that the others were there, that they got it, too, and that none of them were alone with this.
Eventually, Annleigh decided to be the one to break the silence. “I was going to watch Clark’s favorite movie tonight, so, um… I think I’m going to go do that, but… I’ll text you guys later?”
They all agreed, one by one, and then the boxes started to disappear from the screen. Annleigh hung up and rubbed her eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. She should probably start her movie soon, especially since she had work tomorrow, but she took a moment just to cry.
When she got up to put her pajamas on, though, there were a few new text messages that made her smile.
Mattie: Did I tell u guys that I told my bf about everything?
Kate: i keep forgetting you have one of those
Kate: aren't you like 12
Mattie: Bitch im 20
Kate: where’d you learn that kind of language kid
Mattie: Fuck off
Kate: cai this is your fault
Cairo: That’s great, Mattie
Cairo: How’d it feel?
Mattie: Im actually rlly glad he knows now
Mattie: I mean its a pretty big deal right?
Kate: imagine having to tell your partner about your trauma
Kate: just make them witness it like a normal person
Cairo: Literally what the fuck is wrong with you
Kate: bitch what do you think you were THERE
Cairo: I’m literally blocking you
Kate: no you’re not
Kate: you would’ve done it six years ago if you were serious about it
Cairo: Stop PROVOKING me asshole
Eva: All of you need to put your phones down and go to bed
Cairo: She started it
Eva: Do not make me take sides
Eva: We don’t have a couch for me to sleep on yet
I am putting my phone on silent for the rest of the night.
Good night, everyone!
Kate: coward
Cairo: I AM KICKING YOU OUT OF THE GROUP CHAT
Kate: you wouldn’t dare
Laughing to herself, Annleigh grabbed a bag of pretzels from the kitchen and returned to her room, settling herself in bed. She was probably going to wake up to a few dozen notifications, and then the group chat would go silent for a few weeks until Reese’s opening night or something, and then they’d all see each other again this time next year.
It’s not the best way to meet up with her friends, but… there are always worse nights.