Work Text:
Twilight shone through the windows of the Margrave Estate. The tinted panes illuminated the halls and rooms in red. It was a sight he had seen many times before, so much in-fact that it now felt as though it was routine; as if it were a truth that he couldn’t change, no matter how many times he redid things. Eventually, these halls would be lit by, painted, haunted with that terrible crimson.
He opened doors one by one. He was looking for something–someone. He was lost as to the specifics—perhaps he was hoping to find anyone at all. Even then, the action of seeing someone wouldn’t change the ending that these red halls usually brought about, whether it be willing or not. Because these halls signified something that could not “be”, no matter what might await him on the other side of these doors.
The creak of the hinges echoed. His heart threatened to pound out of his chest. The door opened, and, just like the last few doors, the room was empty. But there was something else about this room that he found peculiar, causing him to stop in his tracks and stare directly into the abyss.
It was an office room. A desk was sat against the wall, facing away from the windows. It was a minimalist space reserved for just studying.
He walked absentmindedly into the room. His breathing slowed down, barely holding on with conscious effort. His footsteps were slow and methodical like a robot, because if he didn’t force himself, he could never muster up the courage to face this.
He stopped somewhere in front of the desk, a couple of feet away. He looked down at the floor, at the cold wood. As he did so, his vision began to waver too. Then he saw it. Memories, the thing in this world he could never separate from, assailed him; the previously-faint recollections that drew him to this room were now clear as day as if they had just happened. As if they had happened at all.
Her skin, already as pale as it was, drew further from warmth.
Her eyes, before shining so bright in an attempt to understand something, to acknowledge someone who was supposed to be hopeless, grew dim.
He did not see what caused it, but he knew it was his fault.. Having invoked upon something which he already understood as sacred, the punishment for his transgression was swift and cruel. In the worst way possible, his conviction was stolen from him, and the Hell that awaited him as her body dropped without resistance was palpable.
It wasn’t even the same room as the one he’s in now. That place, the moments and memories that he maintained about it, were gone now. His experiences remained his own, and there was no more save for resemblance that could accompany him now.
…But for him, resemblance is all it takes. Because there is nothing in this world that knows what it’s like. Some may understand that he can—but to actually do is a different matter altogether.
Once upon a time, he had resolved to walk through hell so that nobody else had to. He had since thrown away that idea, but there was a certain part of him that understood the inevitability of it. Still, he held no more negative thoughts regarding it. The people that he likes also like him back. Knowing that… was enough for him. That’s enough to want to go back and do it all over.
He looked away from the floor, but he wasn’t averting his gaze. He would hurt over and over again from now on, too. The things that happened before won’t be erased from his mind, and he will never be able to ignore the tendrils of hell trying to drag him back where he belongs.
It’s not about what happens in the beginning or the middle. It’s not about just ending it off with a good thing, either.
If he can continue to walk this path without faltering, without losing anything, then, maybe, he can make up for everything.
That resolve kept him going.
“Subaru?”
But, for some reason, something else that wasn’t mere resolve was being shaken right now.
Nobody should have been awake save for him. In his personally manufactured Hell, he saw a beautiful silver-haired girl adorned in a cute nightgown standing in the doorframe. He fixed his posture immediately and his vision cleared up, letting him have an unobstructed view of the half-elf before him.
“Why are you up so late… Subaru?”
He remembered the crimson. But, it was fleeting. A mere recollection of the past, no longer being a shackle that held him down. The chain had been cut, leaving him free range of movement, even if the shackle itself was still clasped around him.
“...Emilia-tan. W-What’s up?”
“I heard someone walking in the hallway… I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d see who it was.”
He’d been careless. In his defense, it felt like he had been in a deep trance for a moment there, so paying attention to himself was a bit difficult. “Ah… then, are you okay, Emilia-tan? Is something bothering you?”
“...Mm. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, is all.” Emilia smiled. “So? Don’t think I’m gonna let you dodge my question.”
“A-aha.. I also couldn’t sleep. I was… I felt a bit antsy, so I decided to take a walk. Quite the coincidence, isn’t it?”
“It sure is. Want to… take a walk together?”
“With you Emilia-tan? Anyday!”
“Dunderhead.”
“Seriously, who still says that in this day and age…?”
Subaru and Emilia shared a moment of laughter and they soon made their way outside of the mansion. The Sun finally set below the horizon, signifying the end of twilight, and the world seemed to shift from red to blue as mana crystals around them lit up.
Subaru didn’t say a word. Peeking a glance at Emilia from his side, Subaru doubts he would be able to get a word out even if he tried.
Fortunately for him, she said something first. “Lately, I’ve been having a lot of fun.”
This caught Subaru off guard. But she continued, staring at the sky as the two continued to walk.
“When I was in that forest without any memories, it was… difficult.”
It was a world that he hadn’t lived through. A reality that would never be written over.
“I was alone, at first, and Puck only came around occasionally. But I was really determined, see. Something deep down inside me told me what I ought to do… so I pushed on to help make sure the other frozen elves were safe until they thawed.”
He had been told a similar story before. Emilia had woken up without any knowledge, but something remained still within her heart.
“It was reeaally hard. Other people’s gazes hurt a lot,” Emilia had a gentle smile upon her face as she recalled her past. “I was… lonely.”
Subaru felt his voice caught in his throat. His eyes remained glued onto her profile as they walked around the mansion’s vast front yard. Eventually, the two stopped a little distance away from the mansion, looking at one another.
Emilia held her hands close to her chest. “After meeting you, Subaru, and getting to know Beatrice, Garfiel, Petra… everyone, that feeling isn’t as strong anymore.”
Her words captivated Subaru’s heart.
“Subaru… we don’t talk about it often. But, sometimes, it’s hard not to notice the way you look at everyone…” Emilia’s smile slowly disappeared, yet there was still a sense of gentleness to it. “I don’t want to avert my eyes from something right in front of me.”
Something shook deep within him. The moment she found him in that office, a part of him already knew where this might be going. This road can’t lead anywhere. He already knows this.
“I want you… to confide in us more.”
His throat tightened.
“Why is it that after everything, you seem to be the most distant from all of us?”
The chains seemed to have reassembled themselves. He couldn’t break free, no matter how hard he pulled. No matter how much his skin tore and his throat shredded, those shackles would never let him go.
“...Emilia.”
“Yes, Subaru.”
He didn’t know why he started talking. He didn’t even know where he was going with this.
“Meeting you was… a big turning point for me.”
Emilia focused on him, not saying a word.
“I was honestly… rather lost at what to do. But I knew that I wanted to help you, no matter what.”
Subaru thought back to the loothouse. Where he met Felt, Old Man Rom, Reinhard, and Emilia.
“I got to learn so many wonderful things because of that day. I got to know the twins. I got to know the villagers. I got to know… you, better.”
He remembered that tumultuous week. The week where he felt he was going to crack under those scornful gazes, and that terrible scream that threatened to shatter the world itself. He didn’t want them to look like that.
“And… I don’t ever want to lose any of you guys.”
He remembered the day the Witch Cult attacked. He remembered ending Petelgeuse’s life.
“Emilia, everyone, all of you…” Subaru held his chest tightly. “I won’t let any of you be lost. I promise. I swear it, damnit!”
Subaru closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “And at the end of everything, I want to be with you all, too. I don’t want to be lost either.”
Emilia walked up to him, grabbing his free right hand. Subaru opened his eyes. She was so close. “We’re right here, Subaru. We aren’t going anywhere.”
The shackles tightened themselves with every word she said. As if taunting him, because a part of him deep down can’t trust them, even if he wants to. How could he? Whenever he looks at them, flashes of those foregone worlds pervade his mind like a virus.
Still, as though comforting himself, he nodded. “I know…”
“We won’t let you go, either, Subaru. Everyone here reeaally likes you around, you know?”
It was a harder pill to swallow, so Subaru didn’t follow his nod with any words this time. He let himself be foolishly comforted by the idea anyway because the feeling was nice.
“You’re always joking around, but you should know better than to think it’s really tricking anyone…”
This time, he didn’t respond at all.
“Seeing you so… far away makes me sad, Subaru. But the main issue is that you don’t open up much.”
She left him without any openings. He couldn’t help but focus on the warmth of her hand.
“It’s okay to not tell us everything. Sometimes, the words don’t always come out. But the things that you can say… Subaru, I want you to promise me that you’ll say those things.”
“Ah…” There were no angles for him to slip away to. The roads that he saw as completely uncrossable… even if they can’t be fully repaired, is it still possible to make an attempt?
The knot in his chest would never go away. He knows this. The words that he wants to say the most are the ones he can never say. Even if the taboo wasn’t there, he’s not sure if he would tell them now. Those worlds… don’t exist. They never happened, because he decided it was so. They don’t need to be brought to life, they don’t need to be understood nor sympathized with.
That doesn’t mean they need to be ignored, though. He won’t ever forget those precious memories. Meeting Emilia for the first time, going to the village with Rem… he will gladly remember them and hold them close.
Subaru took on a wry smile, squeezing Emilia’s hand. Emilia smiled at him, too.
For a while, the two didn’t say anything more. An air of understanding spread between them.
Subaru felt his heart pounding, but he didn’t find it uncomfortable. The opposite, in fact. Talking with Emilia never fails to invoke some special reaction out of him, and it happened to be particularly effective tonight when he felt like his sins were going to catch up to him violently.
He and Beatrice share the same room, so it’s not often he has the opportunity to wake up and go off wandering. He’ll have a nightmare here and a restless night there, but having vivid recalls of bad memories while awake isn’t a normal thing for Subaru. That being said, it does happen, and every time they feel a little more immersive.
If anyone were to snap him out of it, Subaru was glad it was Emilia.
“...The moon is so beautiful,” he muttered, looking at her. Truly… She was like the moon.
She tilted her head slightly. “That again… Mm. Subaru, I think it’s time we head back.”
“R-Right. Yeah.”
Subaru made a short “ahem” and the two took their time walking back to the mansion. Their hands wouldn’t let go of one another until they made it back to the entrance.
“Here we are… Goodnight, Subaru.”
“Goodnight Emilia-tan!”
Subaru saw Emilia off as the two went opposite directions to their rooms.
Subaru opened the door to his room expecting all that excitement and emotional baggage to combine into one deep sleep, but instead he was met with the sight of two bright drills illuminating his room. At least considering the way the drilled hair girl was staring at him in disappointment, they might as well be.
“And where did you go off to in the middle of the night without Betty, in fact?” Beatrice pouted.
“B-Beako… hey. I was taking a walk with my lovely Emilia-tan.”
“Is that so?”
“It is so! Why? You jealous? We can take a walk right now if you want to,” Subaru said, walking closer to her and sitting down on the bed next to her.
Beatrice scanned him from head to toe at his words, not biting his bait in a manner like usual. “Betty is not jealous of that girl, I suppose. But… hmm. You seem a bit better tonight.”
“Huh?”
“Did you two talk about something?”
“...Nothing too important,” Subaru thought for a bit on his answer. “We just.. Shared some of our thoughts together.”
“Hm. Betty doesn’t see the point in rejecting a good thing, so you’ll get off the hook just this once, I suppose.”
“My Beako is just too damn cute.”
“Hush, Now hold me so I can sleep comfortably, in fact.”
“Yes, yes, you got it,” Subaru immediately took the opportunity to rustle her hair once he got a hold of her, which spurred a small bout of protests before she gave up.
Truthfully, Subaru was exhausted, so the moment he and Beatrice got into a comfortable position, he passed out right away. His light breaths filled the quiet room. Beatrice, too, had truthfully only been awake for a couple of minutes, so it was rather easy for her to drift off as well.
“...It seems he won’t be having any nightmares tonight, in fact.”
She already could tell based on his overall mood coming back to the room. Even if it’s just for one night, knowing that he could rest easy made her drift off into a wonderful sleep of her own.
“...I will have to thank Emilia tomorrow… I.. suppose..”