Chapter Text
A pain-in-the-ass little brother.
That’s what Rin is to his older brother, Sae, isn’t he?
A failure.
——————
Isagi shoots the winning goal. The whole stadium erupts in cheers, some chants of frustration even. A loud yell can be heard; The latter who just scored cheering for his goal, teammates from bluelock eleven running to him, hugging each-other, cheering in the heat of the moment. Except for one player: Itoshi Rin.
His goal of crushing his brother’s dream, of ultimately proving himself to not only him, but to the world has been completely destroyed in front of his very own eyes.
Frustration built up within his being, his fingers digging deep in the fake grass. Rin felt exasperated, making him almost ignore the new presence of his brother.
Sae was the first to speak, breaking the silence “I was wrong.” He stood on the ground, he didn’t even look at his younger brother’s direction. “I thought Japan could never produce a proper striker.” He looked down on his younger brother. He wasn’t finished talking though.
“Big br-“ Rin said barely above a whisper, his eyes lighting up at the so-called ‘recognition’ of his older brother, only to be bluntly interrupted by him. “The one who drew out your instincts.. and who will change Japanese soccer…” The older brother spoke, putting his hands on his hips. “..Is Yoichi Isagi. He might be the egoist to do it..”
Rin’s expression quickly shifted from one of expectation to an infuriated demeanor. His eyes widened as the ugly truth hit him; not only he wasn’t able to prove to his brother his worth, the latter praised his sworn enemy.
‘I’ll kill you, I won’t forgive you! You ruined my life, so I'll ruin yours too, Itoshi Sae.’
Rin couldn’t help but remember those feelings, the striker could feel how he was enveloped in the not-so-sweet embrace of frustration. All he wanted to do was scream right then and there, and he could, the only thing holding him back was his older brother. He couldn’t cause a scene in front of him.
The match ended, both teams now find themselves in their designated locker rooms. Rin is seated in a bench, zoning out of Ego’s speech, the striker can’t focus.
The one who will change Japanese soccer is Isagi, my ass. Rin thought to himself, he kept overanalyzing the last play. Where did I go wrong? Why couldn’t I score? Is he..right?
He felt more lightheaded the more he thinked, Rin felt so disgusted in himself that he might even throw up. After Ego’s speech, Rin excused himself to the bathroom, clearly not planning to go out again to the post game ceremony. Since everyone would be out, he was truly alone. Rin could feel truly vulnerable given that no one is there to look down on him, shame him, even ridicule him.
No one looked for Rin, not a single person. At least that was another nuisance gone, at least the striker was now truly alone, the only presence keeping Rin company being his own.
——————
As soon as Rin made sure everyone was gone he crumbled completely, sliding down on the bathroom door, he felt a wave of emotions crash down on him. Frustration, hurt, anger. Rin felt bitter, pure hatred towards the world, he simply didn’t understand. He didn't understand how a world so caring, peaceful, turned into such a bitter reality.
Why? What did he do to be seen less than worthless by his brother’s eyes? The person Rin looked up to most, Sae, teared his heart apart that snowy night, ripping it apart, leaving a mess out of the remnants of his heart everywhere just to leave again. Rin’s brother ruined his life, so his life mission, his will to live, was to return that favour. To ruin his life back, and die in the process, just like that.
It’s normal to feel like this when you can’t achieve your reason to live right? To feel like a failure.
Hot stream of tears ran down Rins cheeks, he covered his mouth to stifle his sobs, he couldn’t help but feel nauseated by the thought of him crying. He felt weak, disgusted in himself enough to throw up. Rin made sure no one was there though, why is he still acting withdrawn? Isn't he supposed to let out his frustrations this way?
What’s the point of withdrawing oneself if one can’t stand being helpless in their own presence?
Rin rested his knees below his jaw, gently fiddling with his hair. Rin let himself cry this time, it was embarrassing but better than breaking down in front of his piece of shit brother. A memory came to mind, from the time when Rin and his brother were younger.
It was a perfect day, a flawless ratio between the pure blue sky and the fuzzy clouds. The Itoshi brothers spent their day in the park aimlessly, sometimes playing on the swings, getting ice cream, even playing on the small soccer field. They were walking back home after a fun day spent together. As they were walking though, Rin blindly stumbled off the sidewalk and scraped his knee, tears threatened to fall off his eyes at the sting of his now bleeding knee.
“Everything is going to be okay, Rin.” Sae placed a hand of comfort on Rin’s head before kneeling down to aid him. Rin, despite crying, was pretty quiet, only sniffling now and then. Sae realized he actually didn't have anything to help his brother with his knee, so he consoled his brother instead. “Shh.. shh.. it's okay.” He wiped his tears and gave him a warm hug. After that, the memory faded away in a blur, bringing Rin back to reality.
He felt his drippy wet knee, not from his wound but from the tears that has been loosely flowing since then. Rin just wanted everything to be okay, he wanted to feel happy playing soccer next to his brother again and not be driven by pure anger. His crying became harsher, his once gentle hold in his head tensed up to the point it stung.
I just want everything to be okay, is that too much to ask?
For Rin, life felt like such a difficult task since the alternative of him being inferior to his brother felt true to him, accurate to his future. Maybe Sae was right, Rin should’ve locked himself up in his room to not be able to discover his own worthlessness, maybe that way the fact that Rin was full on incompetent and useless wouldn’t have brought him down like it is now. But that's how weak people think, right?
I’m not weak, and neither are you. Whenever you feel helpless, when you are brought down by how distressing your life feels, whenever you feel like there's no place for you in this world anymore, please know that it doesn't have to end like that. You might not know it, but someone cares about you. You are loved, it might feel like nothing can change that tormenting feeling but I promise, everything will be okay. Please don’t go, reach out, whenever it is loved ones, friends, or even a hotline just please talk to someone. You are loved, everything is going to be okay.
That's exactly what Rin needed to hear right now, with all his emotions crumbling down on him even a pair of comforting words would pit him at ease, unfortunately, thats won't be the case.. or will it?