Archive of Our Own

Joost took a drag of his cigarette, letting the nicotine flow down his neck to his lungs. He wondered if nicotine patches would work, maybe nicotine gum.

“Do you think people would be normal about you kissing me?” Lyon asked, eyes peering up from his laptop.

“Fuck no,” Joost laughed, seeing the smoke come out of his mouth as his mind started filling with possible scenarios. “That would be chaos.”

“Queerbating allegations?”

“No, gay allegations,” Joost said as if he was talking about the scariest ghost he had heard of, making Lyon laugh.

“Joost Klein is gay?” Lyon did his best annoying youtuber imitation, while pressing the palms of his hands on his cheeks in faux shock.

“He had a girlfriend like forever ago, but who cares about that?” He kept the imitation before taking another drag of his cigarette. “Probably a lot of TikToks, and maybe trending over on Twitter.”

“Would be good promo.”

“Why did you ask in the first place?”

“Dunno,” Lyon shrugged, eyes going back to his laptop, “we’ve been pretty close on stage, and just, thought about that.”

“Fair enough.”

Joost looked out of the balcony, seeing the last waves of summer giving it their best before being crushed by the chilly autumn air and crunching leaves. He wasn’t sure how much of everything he had actually processed during these past months, but he was sure that something was processed, probably just how bad his nicotine addiction had gotten, but that was a good starting point. It wasn’t like he had much time to sit down and really think about how he was living in what seemed like the strangest limbo he could have ever been put in, nor like he really wanted to do that.

He took another drag of his cigarette, maybe he could try some nicotine gum, could keep him occupied while he was waiting for the bus.

Lyon’s words loomed over his head as he finished his smoke in silence, only hearing clicks and soft typing from Lyon. Would he truly kiss him? Not like he hadn’t done that before, multiple times. He remembered Aggu calling him a serial men kisser on the loose and laughing at that before kissing him yet again. He had never cared about that, just him being comfortable in his sexuality and proving it over and over again by kissing men without any other ties to it. Probably a more ethical version of whatever drunk straight girls got up to in hopes of hooking up with a guy. His mind flashed an image of him with a man, factions too vague to be discernable, on a dance floor, lights flashing over them as their lips collided. It was messy, sticky, hot, and it got Joost stopping mid drag and railing his thoughts back to anything else only to see it more vividly, feel it, a stubble tickling his chin, hands gripping him, trying to bring him closer. He started coughing.

“You’re alright?” Lyon asked him, shooting his head up from his laptop.

“Yeah, yeah,” he managed to choke out. “Just… I think the smoke went down the wrong pipe.”

“You really should look into a nicotine patch, man, that cough didn’t sound good.”

“Whatever,” Joost burnt the end of his cigarette against the metal table they were on. “Gonna go get some water.”

He spent the night staring at the ceiling, hands on top of his stomach, a feeling of being nauseous, wanting to cry and scream, and his head spinning taking away all the sleep off his body. His mind kept going back to what happened back in the balcony, the image his brain decided to make, and how he felt. His hands shook as he tried getting a glass of water, his chest hurt, it felt so real that it had taken him off the loop for the rest of the day. His brain kept going back to that image for the rest of the day, and it seemed that the more he tried pushing it away, the more it grew, like a bad pimple that he kept popping over and over again.

Joost’s brain took him back to the club, music loud and deafening. He was being pushed into a wall, lips going to his neck as a hand tugged on his hair, making him tilt his head. The smell of cologne filled his nose and stubble still running across his skin.

“Fuck,” Joost tried waving away the image from his brain, hand swiping through his forehead in a pathetic effort. At least the image vanished like smoke the more he did it, eyes closed shut. He wondered if this was one of those stupid times where his brain would get turned on over stupid stuff that he wouldn’t usually get turned on, but those usually lasted a minute, and this had been going on for the entire day.

His eyes landed on the ceiling yet again. He felt like he was a teenager again, when he met his ex-girlfriend and he would spend endless nights trying to get over his crush on her, except this was just his imagination wandering again and again.

Joost let out a frustrated sigh while his mind dragged him back to the bar into some stranger’s arms. He closed his eyes and tried imagining anything else.

The random thought of him in the club left Joost’s mind as the festival season continued, becoming nothing but a weird memory that popped in once or twice and made him roll his eyes. The days went by, he partied, he screamed, he danced with other people, and shared his art with the world, it was truly euphoric, no matter how many times he had been in a stage, it always got him on a high that no number of drugs or alcohol ever would.

It was probably why he let himself go during his last concert of the season. It was his big closer, he had brought his friends with him, and he was ready to go out with a bang for his fans. That ultimate sense of euphoria probably was the reason as to why he let Lyon get closer to him and let their bodies move against each other. It wasn’t until he saw Lyon’s wide eyes, pupils blown out and mouth agape that he had to stop. The same nauseating feeling he got from that made up scenario his brain made up crept up to his throat. He pushed Lyon away from him, trying to focus on the concert. What song was he even singing again?

“That was an amazing gig, man,” Martijn said long after the concert was over, the both of them finding themselves on the artist parking lot leaning against the tour bus’ rear wall.

“Thanks, man,” he replied honestly.

“Any big plans after this? Some good vacation?”

“Japan.”

“Fancy living.”

“We got a deal on the tickets,” Joost took a drag from his cigarette, “and on the hotel.”

“Two yen per person a night in someone’s closet?”

“Yeah, sounds fucking sick.” They both laughed before Joost took another drag. “Hey man, can I ask you something?” He asked after a moment of silence.

“Sure.”

“Are you still realizing things about yourself?”

“Like I have the fattest dick in this world, yeah.”

Joost tried and failed to contain his chuckle. “No, I mean like… obvious things.”

“Like?” Martijn let on.

“Like… you know, obvious stuff.”

“There are many obvious things out there, like my name, my age, my height, my weight, my fat dick— all of which I realize I have time and time again.”

“How fat is your dick?” Joost tried derailing the conversation, realizing that he didn’t have the courage to touch that subject right now.

“Like this,” he gestured wildly with his hands, a length that almost made up most of his torso, Joost laughed again. “But seriously, what obvious stuff?”

“Like…” he took a moment to think what to say next. “Like… who you like, and stuff.”

“You have a little crush?” Martijn nudged him while speaking in a cheeky tone.

“Not a crush, just, a general idea of who I like.”

“And who is it?” His voice still carried the cheekiness to it.

“Men.”

“Oh, men.” The shock in his voice made Joost want to recoil in a corner and forget he ever existed in the first place. “Any man in particular?”

“Just men, in general.”

“So… you’re bi?”

“Haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“And you don’t have to.”

“I know.”

“But do you like… still like women?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you watch porn to see if you were turned on by the guy or the girl?”

“Why would I do that?”

“I guess some experiences aren’t universal, then.” Joost rolled his eyes and puffed air through his nose. That was the best part about deep conversations with Martijn, no matter what, he would always end up chuckling, reminding him that he didn’t always have to cry by the end of a meaningful conversation.

“I just can’t stop thinking about being with a guy, and it’s driving me insane, and it’s not like I can just ask any of you to be all lovey dovey with me, it needs to come naturally.”

“Why don’t you try a gay club? There are so many nowadays, you can go for it.”

“What if someone follows me?”

“Right.” Joost took another drag while his friend tried coming up with something else to say. “But you’re going to Japan, I don’t think someone would follow you to Japan, especially on the first couple of days.”

“You’re saying that I should whore out in Japan?”

“If you want to take that advice that way. I heard there’s this bar where the servers are all buff, ripped guys, sounds cool as fuck.”

Joost laughed, letting his head fall back as he imagined the ripped servers bar, he would definitely stick out as a sore thumb, but it would be good for the bit if he convinced Apson to go with him.

Joost found himself lazing on his couch the morning after. He had to wait until midday to get to the airport, which meant another sleepless night and morning and probably an afternoon spent sleeping on a stiff plane seat so he was taking advantage of his comfortable couch for the last hours until the foreseeable future.

He was scrolling through the nonsensical memes that filled his For You Page, laughing at what would actually be considered brain rot when his phone started ringing in his hand, Teun’s contact name appearing at the top of his screen.

“Yeah?” He greeted.

“You’re not about to leave, right?”

“Still have a couple of hours,” he answered, eyes starting to dance over the invisible patterns in his ceiling.

“Great, you told me to call you in the morning, but I didn’t know if you had actually decided to have a healthy sleep schedule for once.”

“Haven’t slept since yesterday at three in the afternoon if that answers your question.” He heard Teun giggle on the other side of the line.

“Hope you don’t pass out in the middle of customs.”

“I hope not.” Though it would make a good anecdote, he decided, and would probably earn a scold from everyone else.

“Anyways,” Teun cleared his throat, “I have some questions about the songs.”

“Which ones?”

“A lot of them, well, like four, actually, more questions about more songs to come soon… ish.”

Teun started asking about technicalities, all dumbed down enough for Joost to understand with his incredibly null knowledge of music production despite making music for so many years. He kept listening to his producer go on about loops and reverbs and scales and shifts, imagining him in his bedroom studio over in Berlin making his usual hand gestures that showed how he visualized music, the ones he didn’t know he was doing and would blush when you pointed them out. Teun asked him about instruments and files, what he should keep in or what he should take out, what to add and how, all while Joost made his best to visualize him, baggy sweatpants and a slightly oversized crewneck, with wild hair that would probably go into a hat in a couple of hours when he would head out to buy lunch or for a walk to not go insane in the process of making an album.

Joost let himself slip into his wandering imagination and let himself be placed in Teun’s bed, looking at his phone while Teun asked him all those questions, and he answered while liking pictures of grainy dogs with Arabic text on top of them.

“Do you think that this would be good enough for Scooter?” Teun asked.

“Maybe,” Joost replied, the instrumental of the song coming a little muffled from the speakers. “it’s still the basis of it, I’m sure it’ll be a totally different song by the end of it.”

“Maybe,” Teun said the same way he did, “but it’s still Scooter, I feel like I’m working for royalty while I’m a peasant that was picked out to be the king’s trusted butler or whatever.”

“He’s been pretty chill, and his criticism is actually helpful,” he remembered sending the first draft of his lyrics over and feeling like he was being guided gently over what they could change a couple of days ago, like a primary school teacher explaining to her student how to do three-digit multiplications.

“You’re right,” Teun gently swayed around in his chair, the old springs creaking with every move. “Maybe I could…”

Joost’s mind decided that now was a perfect time to bring back the mental images of him being with a man. Except that this time the mysterious man that had been plaguing his mind for weeks was replaced by Teun. His mind took him back to Teun’s studio, his phone long gone from his hands as he stared at his producer, who inched closer in his office chair, a smile on his face. A hand was placed in his chest that slowly rose up to his neck, softly cradling his jaw before Teun’s face started inching closer. It was tender, not like it had been before, it felt domestic, charged with something that made his heart feel like it was going to burst.

“Joost?” He was snapped back by Teun’s voice. “You still there?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry I think I got cut off for a second,” he lied, trying to calm his heartbeat.

“I asked you if I could send a small snippet to him first, see how he feels about the song before sending the whole thing.”

“Uh… yeah, sure, do that,” he heard knocking at his door. “Oh, shit, I have to go, talk to you when I get to Japan.”

“Sure man, bye.”

He hung up before getting up from his couch, going over to his front door and being greeted with brown hair and chocolate eyes.

“Everything okay?” His neighbor asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Your face is all red.” Shit.

“I was running around, bringing my suitcases over, you know the drill,” he laughed it off, hoping she wouldn’t notice how he wasn’t out of breath.

“It is going to be a very long trip, and you do have a tendency to do things last minute sometimes.” She wasn’t wrong. “How’s Apple?”

“She’s fine, probably asleep right now.” He heard the gentle tap of his dog’s nails on the hardwood floor. “I think we just woke her up.”

Apple came with a wagging tail, happy panting at seeing her owner and the person that took care of her when her owner was away.

“Hello Nina, how have you been?” Joost asked in his Apple voice, making his neighbor giggle and kneel down to be at Apple’s level.

“Hi Apple, I’ve been amazing, are you ready to spend a whole month with me? Girls’ night every single day!”

“I really wish I could bring her with me,” he lamented. It wasn’t like he preferred to leave his dog behind while he travelled around the world, but he prioritized her wellbeing over taking cute pictures of her in different landmarks.

“She’s going to miss you,” Nina admitted. “But I think she’s getting used to you leaving for so long.”

“I hope so,” he ruffled Apple’s fur, who looked up at him with her big beady eyes. “Anyways, uh… I should bring you the keys.”

He walked back to the living room, reaching for the fake plant he bought solely for the reason of storing his spare keys. Joost’s mind flashed another image of Teun, lips already touching each other, both of their closed as they kissed. The sound of his keys hitting the floor snapped him out of it, he reached for them again and went to the door, trying his best to ignore the way his heart was beating so fast.

“You kept the keychain I put on them,” Nina said with a smile, looking at the small straw hat that she had put to replace the simple keyring he had them dangling on.

“It’s a cute hat.”

“My mom bought it during her anniversary trip with my dad, thought you would appreciate more than I would,” She put the keys in her pocket. “Anyways, when is your taxi coming?”

“My friends are coming any second,”

“Is it okay if I stay here? Just so Apple isn’t alone when you leave.”

“Yeah, it’s… it’s fine.”

Nina made herself at home in the couch, Apple going to sit with her. Joost decided to sit on the free space on the couch, burying his nose on his phone while trying to not think about Teun taking place in all the scenarios his brain had decided to construct. It was a painfully long time between that and receiving a text from Apson saying that he should be heading out. He quickly said goodbye to Nina and made sure to give Apple a hug before rushing out.

Japan had been a blast, or that’s what Joost would’ve liked to say if he hadn’t spent most of the trip an insomniac. He did manage to snag multiple naps throughout the day, but night just gave him more of staying awake, feeling like a character out of a novel from the 1800s, constantly plagued by visions. He wouldn’t really mind it if the visions were of future events, or the lottery numbers, even visions of God himself were better than imagining Teun tangling his fingers in his hair or leaving kisses along his jaw. It didn’t help that as nights passed, the more domestic the scenarios turned, them sitting around in Teun’s place cuddling on the couch, them taking Apple on a walk, trying to fit in a tour bus bunk just to be able to hold together at night, always leaving him with a heart that felt like it was going to burst and red cheeks.

He had tried going to a gay club in Japan, found one in Tokyo that seemed to accept foreigners, and had brought it as a proposition to everyone else in the trip, and they seemed to on board, but he couldn’t do it the one night they were free to go. He felt his heart catching in his throat as soon as he was taking clothes out of his suitcase. Joost said that he just wasn’t feeling his best, probably some food they’d had earlier, and it was like he had never proposed the idea for the rest of the trip.

It wasn’t until the plane ride back that Joost decided to say something, his body feeling all the sleep he hadn’t hit for the past month hit him in real time as the plane flew across the sky.

“Apson, you awake?” He nudged his friend who was sat in front of him.

“What?” Apson whispered, turning back and pulling back his headphones. Joost did the same and realized how quiet the aircraft was.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Right now?”

“Please,” he gave his best puppy eyes, clasping his hands together, which made Apson turn back for a moment before going back to facing him.

“Okay, what is it?”

“You know how I wanted to go to a gay bar?”

“Yeah?”

Joost felt his heart catching in his throat again, but he kept going.

“It’s because, well, I… I think I like men,” he felt his voice barely being on his lips, like he was only mouthing his words.

“What? What did you say?” Apson asked, taking off his headphones. Joost got closer.

“I think I like men.”

“That’s fucking sick, man,” Apson smiled at him, raising his hand for a high five that he reciprocated very weakly. “You wanted to see if you could get some ass?”

“I wanted to see if I actually like men.”

“And what else do you need to know that you fully like men?”

Joost stayed in silence. Apson was right, somewhat. What else did he truly need? He was like a teenager high on hormones unable to not think about being with a man. He got dizzy at thinking about Teun, he was begging for love, and it seemed like his brain had come to this realization way before his emotions had.

“Acceptance?” Joost asked out loud.

“I accept that you like men.”

“No, like… I want someone to accept me for who I am, I want to experience it, in a relationship.”

“I think I know some guys, if you want me to show them to you.”

Joost felt his cheeks burn.

“I think I already like someone,” he admitted, knowing that Appie would very well set him up for as many dates as he could have by the time they landed back home.

“Who’s the lucky guy that gave you your gay awakening?”

“Someone, you can’t know.”

“Oh, this feels just like high school, you don’t want me to tell on you?” Apson wiggled his brows.

“No, Apson,” he rolled his eyes despite feeling his cheeks burn brighter. “I just need more time to figure this crush thing out.”

“Take your time, man, no one is rushing you to figure everything out.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re going to Berlin after this, right? There are so many places you can go to over there, go have a bit of fun.”

Joost remembered that he was in fact going to Berlin right after this, just one day home and then he was going to lock himself up with Teun for some days. Which would be totally fine if it wasn’t for his heart starting to beat a little too fast at the thought of that, his brain already starting to conjure some scenarios.

“I’ll see if I have the balls to do anything,” he laid back in his chair, signaling to his friend that the conversation was over.

Being in the same vicinity to Teun was somehow worse than all the sleepless nights in Japan. Maybe because Teun didn’t have a spare room and only had a shitty twenty-year-old sofa in his own room to offer as a bed, and the fact that Teun had become so touchy since the last time they saw each other. Or maybe he had always been like that but Joost had never noticed it. He was trying to control his breathing as Teun sat impossibly close to him in the couch, tried to not push him away when Teun lingered on too long with his touches, made sure to hide his face as Teun put on a pair of headphones on him so he could listen to the progress on the song.

Another thing he noticed is that Teun had been a lot more glued to his phone than before, which was ironic considering that it was him that convinced Joost to finally put his phone down for his own mental health. If Teun wasn’t paying attention to whatever song he was working on or being too busy trying to find new ways to unintentionally make Joost blush, he was glued to his phone.

Joost looked up from his laptop, seeing Teun with his eyes laser focused on his phone, a small smile on his lips.

“Teun,” Joost croaked, not realizing he had been quiet for so long. “Teun,” he asked again after not receiving an acknowledgement from the other man.

“Yeah?” Teun finally looked up from his phone.

“You want to look at the video?” He pointed at his laptop screen.

“You’re done?” Teun asked, getting up from his seat.

“I just want to know what you think about the coloring.” He looked as Teun walked over and sat next to him, their thighs touching. “You really should try a social media detox.”

“Why?”

“You’re glued to your phone all day now.”

“Can’t a man indulge in a bit of dopamine rush every now and then?” Teun tilted his head, giving him a sly smile that made Joost look straight down at his lap.

He held his breath as Teun’s hand hovered above his leg, but instead of grasping at his thigh or going a bit more north, it went to the laptop, pressing play on the video. He really needed to survive until the end of the week.

The dreams didn’t stop, sadly. His quick power naps devolving into cruel imitations of real life where Teun would turn around in his chair and pull him into a kiss or would walk into the room with fiddling hands that confessed his feelings and would leave Joost leaning against the window and smoking a cigarette to calm down.

“You’re smoking a lot lately,” Teun noted after one failed nap where Joost had been grasping at Teun’s hips as he laid on his bed.

“I’ve always smoked a lot.” Joost took a drag out of his cigarette.

“Not like this, this is your second pack in like two days,” Teun’s phone dinged with a notification, making him immediately check it.

“I promised to check some nicotine patches out,” he recalled his conversation with Lyon at the end of summer. His comment fell on deaf ears as Teun typed away in his phone. Joost took another drag of his cigarette.

The night that he released the Filthy Dog music video came faster than he imagined. He was sure Teun’s couch had a permanent dent in the shape of his ass, but it was worth it. He did a small live stream where he told everyone to go watch the video and appreciate the little details he sprinkled around.

“I’m sure people loved it,” Teun reassured him after Joost refreshed the music video’s comment section for the third time in a row.

“Well, yeah, I just want to see what people are saying in this moment.”

As he was going to hit the translate button on a comment written in Cyrillic, he saw Teun’s hand come up to the top of the laptop, gently taking it away from him before closing it.

“Relax,” Teun’s voice was soft and low. Joost felt his breath get caught in his throat. “Let’s talk, we haven’t done that in a while.”

“Yeah, okay, fine, sure, let’s talk,” Joost said rapidly, not sure how his tongue wasn’t getting caught up at the speed of his words.

They ended in Teun’s living room, sitting on the floor with Jenga on the coffee table and beers coming from the fridge.

“You suck at this.”

“Shut up, I can totally get this piece out,” Teun said while trying to not make the tower fall.

“And you bought this game, you can just play it whenever you want,” Joost kept taunting. While he wasn’t one to shit talk, he liked winning, and knew that Teun fell under pressure easily.

“Don’t, stop talking,” Teun warned, eyes on the piece he was failing at taking out of the tower. “I’m kicking you out if you keep talking.” As soon as he said that, the tower fell, the sound of the wooden pieces crashing on the table and floor drowning Teun’s laments over losing.

“Can I still talk?” he teased.

“One more.” They started building the tower again, searching for the pieces and stacking them. “Did you enjoy Japan?”

“Yeah, it was fun.”

“Maybe we can go one day.”

“Maybe,” Joost thought about the both of them walking down temples, appreciating the quiet and serene atmosphere, or scurrying by the streets of Tokyo, going into niche cafés and having sugary drinks together. He railed his mind back in before he was trapped in a cycle of imagining them wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Do you have any other plans to travel after this?”

“Hopefully stay at home.”

“Doesn’t your house feel like you’re at a hotel sometimes?” Teun asked as he stacked some more pieces together. “That’s how I felt after touring after a bit.”

“Sometimes, but I have Apple, and Ni—” he stopped himself, but a pair of green eyes were already staring at him.

“Apple and who?”

“No one.”

“You’re not good at hiding things, I know you too well,” a grin stretched on Teun’s face, “Apple and who?”

“You’re not going to let it go, right?”

“Nope.”

“Nina, my neighbor— but it’s not what you think!”

“Yeah, sure,” his voice dripped with sarcasm.

“She’s just a friend! She helps me with Apple when I’m away,” Joost defended himself. “She lives next door and I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend,” he lied.

“You should give flirting a go, if you feel comfortable with that, especially if she makes you feel like home.”

A knot formed in Joost’s throat, looking at Teun calmly trying to get the tower to stand straight. He wanted the words to be changed ever so slightly, for him to refer to someone else, he wanted to reach out and tell Teun that he made him feel like home, that he would move in if he asked to in that moment.

“Maybe.” Joost looked at the tower, not being able to look at Teun. “Maybe one day.”

Being back home felt like being an astronaut that came back from a years long mission in space. He knew that this was his home, that the couch he sat at to read or doodle had been bought off from a just married couple that was gifted a better couch, that the bed he laid in at night had been his for most of his adult life, he knew where all his cutlery was, but it felt like everything had changed while he hadn’t. He had to get accustomed to living in his own place again, not move around every single second, to stay still for a moment. He had to remember how it felt to go to a supermarket and come back with heavy bags instead of a random bag of chips and a bottle of soda. He had to remember how it felt to lay on the ground and read a book only for Apple to come and ask for pets, nudging the book out of his hands gently. He had to remember how to walk around his own place while the lights were turned off at night and he dragged himself to the kitchen for a midnight snack.

One thing —person— that helped Joost remember how it was to live a normal life was Nina. It started with him arriving at his apartment and finding her having dinner on his couch with the TV on. She apologized for still being there and offered him some vegetarian pasta she had made. From then on, it had become a tradition for them to have dinner over at Joost’s place, finally giving his dinner table a use. She would also drop by during the day, simply to ask how he and Apple were doing or if they needed something form the store. Joost would also drop by at her place, walking over five steps to get to her door to play board games or watch shows with her.

“You really don’t want to go out this Saturday?” Nina asked him as she picked up Uno cards. “The club plays really good music.”

“Not really,” Joost shrugged, going back to color coding his deck, “not with… you know, me being me.”

Nina looked at him, brows furrowed. “Why would— oh right, you’re like… famous now.”

“Kind of am.”

“I keep forgetting that you’re Joost Klein and not just my neighbor that travels a lot.”

“And I hope I can still be just your neighbor that travels a lot.”

“You will always be that guy, don’t worry.” She put down a red 4 on top of the played cards. “Maybe we can do something more… private?”

“Like?” Joost put down a green 4.

“Movie night? Or I know this small sushi restaurant not that far from here. Not a lot of people know about it.”

“Movie night with sushi?”

Nina nodded while putting down a green +2. Joost put down a blue +2. “C’mon man.”

“Get better at shuffling the cards,” Joost joked.

“I do like movie night with sushi, by the way.”

“It’s a plan, then?”

“It’s a plan.” Nina put down a +4.

Saturday came by slower than expected. Joost knew that time would’ve gone faster if he had gone through the trouble of buying his Christmas gifts in person instead of browsing online for an hour on the first of December, but he wasn’t too fond of going out nowadays, so he gained his vitamin D by his daily walks with Apple, both of them covered head to toe in winter coats and hats.

Nina had shown up with multiple sushi trays, all were laid out in the coffee table, and the night had turned into trying to multi task watching the movie while spying on Apple to make sure she didn’t steal a Nigiri from the table, nor got to the wasabi.

“You need a taller coffee table,” Nina noted.

“That would be just a normal dining table,” Joost joked, gently pushing Apple away from the rainbow rolls. “Want to watch another movie?”

“We still have a long way to go before it’s technically night,” Nina pointed out. They did start their movie night early just so they could watch more than a movie before she fell asleep. “I’ll choose.”

Joost let her stretch over to his side of the couch, grabbing the controller before settling back in her spot and starting to search for what to watch next.

“Are you a romcom guy?”

“I’ll watch anything.” Joost wasn’t a romcom guy, but he would let her choose, she had bought all of the sushi after all.

“Don’t you wish you could live in a romcom?” Nina asked him. “All you have to worry about is hoping that you’ll fall in love while everything else is just a subplot that doesn’t really matter.”

“That would be easy,” Joost looked at her, hand raised and aimed at the TV as she scrolled past different movies.

“Life does feel like that sometimes.” She turned to see him, a small smile in her face. “All that matters is being with someone special.”

He felt her hand on top of his, softly taking a hold of it. It took him a bit longer than he’d like to process the fact that she had gotten closer to him, and that her face was inches away from his, but when he did, he gently put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her away. Joost knew that the better option would be to pull her in and kiss her, but he couldn’t it, not when he was still pining over Teun all the way over in Berlin, hugging his pillow every night wishing it was him. He couldn’t bate to do that to Nina.

“Sorry, I thought we… you know.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine, really,” Joost said, getting up from the couch. “I… I just need some fresh air, sorry.”

“I can leave if you—”

“No, you can stay, I don’t mind.” He tried joking about how it was more her apartment than his, but he couldn’t bring himself to it. “I… I’ll be fine, I’m sorry this happened.”

Joost grabbed his jacket, put on his shoes, and left.

He tried walking through his neighborhood, finding his headphones in his pocket and listening to music to calm down. This should be the climax of his romcom, where the protagonists finally kiss and he gets a happy ending, but he couldn’t. He still felt attached to the idea of being with someone else, having the perfect ending with someone else. He tried reaching for his cigarettes, only to realize that he had left them at home. He needed to talk to someone, needed to get it out of his system.

He reached Teun’s contact in his phone, going for the call option and bringing his phone close to his ear. Teun didn’t answer his ten calls.

Joost stopped a cab.

The train station still had one ride left to Berlin, he bought the ticket without caring about it being more than a hundred euro, he just needed to see Teun. He didn’t care if it seemed too extreme to take a seven-hour train ride just because his neighbor tried to kiss him. It felt like this was the last straw, the final call of the universe for him to stop toying around and get his shit together. Maybe it could be like a romcom, where the protagonist makes a grueling journey to see the love of their life, admit that they were wrong and finally get the perfect movie kiss.

He got to Berlin at midnight, to an empty station with nothing but his phone on an almost dead battery, his keys and a pack of cigarettes he had bought in one of the transfers. It was freezing and he realized that it might have been a bad idea, but if things were right, if the universe was on his side, he wouldn’t need to care about the cold.

Joost walked over to Teun’s apartment, not feeling the tip of his nose by the time that he arrived to the building. He tried ringing the doorbell, but remembered that it hadn’t been working for months and management was too lazy to change it, so he tried turning the handle, finding that it opened. Maybe the universe was on his side. He walked over to Teun’s apartment, somehow still seeing his freezing breath come out of his nose as he walked up the stairs.

Teun’s door stared at him, nothing special about it apart from a dent that Martijn had made not long after Teun moved in, losing his balance while trying to prove that he could open a door without keys. Joost took a deep breath in, knowing that there was no going back, and he knocked on the door.

Nothing.

He knocked again.

Nothing.

Did he leave? He didn’t remember Teun saying that he was going out that night. He remembered Teun leaving him a message that he was going to become a hermit until the album was finished. Maybe he had fallen asleep.

He knocked again.

“Wha— Joost?” Teun finally opened the door, a confused expression on his face. His hair was messed up, strands out of place, his face slightly red.

“Teun, I need to come in.”

Teun closed the door a bit, so Joost could only see him. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Couldn’t it wait?”

“You weren’t answering my texts or my calls!” Joost defended himself.

“Joost, seriously, right now is not the time.”

“Please, Tantu, I rea—” he heard the couch creak. “What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing,” Teun dismissed.

“I’m nothing?” Another voice came from inside Teun’s apartment. Joost felt his soul drain from his body.

“You’re not— listen, Joost— just give me a moment—” Teun kept glancing between at whoever was inside his apartment and Joost.

“No, it’s fine, I… I’ll leave.”

“Do you have somewhere to stay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Joost,” Teun said with urgency, “I’m not letting you go around during the winter at this hour, you’ll freeze. I can tell Natalie—”

“Is that why you were on your phone all the time?”

“Don’t change the subject, man.”

“You were trying to hook up with someone?”

“Joost, seriously, just give me a moment so you can stay here.”

“And you never told me.”

“I don’t have to tell you everything.” The words landed like a knife right on Joost’s chest. “Just give me five minutes, I’ll set the couch for you.”

“No, it’s fine, I understand, bye Teun.”

He started walking away, heading for the staircase. He heard Teun calling for him, but he didn’t run towards him. Maybe Joost wasn’t meant for romcoms.

Winter was meant to be warmer each year, as humans destroyed the planet more and more, but Joost still felt like he was freezing with every step he took. Even being three cigarettes deep into the night, there was no sign of his body getting warmer. He felt stupid for believing that Teun would yearn about him, close his eyes and imagine the same things Joost imagined, dreamt to have him in his arms and have him close. Teun knew him too well, understood him, knew all his flaws, knew how much of a bad choice he was. Joost shouldn’t be angry at him, and yet, it stung.

He tried booking another train to get back to Rotterdam, only to see that the earliest ride was at four in the morning. He booked it and googled “gay clubs in berlin” straight after, letting Teun’s call go through and swiping away at his text messages asking him where he was. He knew that it was a stupid decision, but his life had felt like a rapid succession of stupid decisions that were digging him deeper in a hole that he had no idea how to get out of, maybe he could finally start burying himself or find a stranger that would dig him out and make his life better at the bar.

The music was loud, everyone was dampening him with colorful sequins and bright clothes. It was a miracle that the bouncer let him in with baggy jeans, a black shirt and a winter jacket. Joost quickly realized that he felt too exposed, that this might be a bad idea, and that he should leave.

“You want a drink?” A stranger got close to him. Joost nodded.

Soon enough, he was a couple of drinks in, chatting the stranger’s ear off with stories of his trips while letting him caress his hand, his arm, his shoulder, letting him get close and smile at him, caressing his face gently, asking to be let in. It felt like a full circle moment when he finally shut up and felt their lips connect. The stranger had soft lips that moved roughly, a stubble that itched against Joost’s and hands that brought him closer to the beat of a bouncy song.

“What’s your name?” The stranger asked him once he got Joost against one of the walls of the club.

“Joost,” he gasped.

“Nic,” the stranger presented himself, going back to kissing Joost.

Joost dug his hand in Nic’s hair, holding him in place. It seemed like he had a magic potion that made Joost forget all his stupid decisions and regrets over the past couple of weeks, letting him feel the giddiness of being loved, even if it was artificial and transactional. Nic asked him if he wanted to go over to his place for some peace and quiet. Joost nodded.

They stumbled into a cab, trying to hide little touches and kisses from the driver who simply kept his eyes on the road. Nic would get close to him and say what he wanted to do to him once they got to his place and Joost would giggle and nod along, too blind on alcohol and excitement to fully process what was going on, just happy that he was receiving attention.

Nic lived in a building with an elevator that Joost learned was perfect to kiss someone in and hear all the sounds that were drowned out by the loud bass of the club. His apartment was big and he had a proper queen-sized bed, not a twin like Teun. The mattress was soft and the covers puffed up under Joost’s weight, making him feel like he was on top of a cloud, the way Nic kissed and nibbled at his jaw and neck while hands roamed around his body only took him to heaven.

They had gotten down to their pants, shirts and coats long ditched somewhere on the bedroom floor. Joost propped himself up on his elbows as he watched the man in front of him unbuckle his belt, a condom in between his fingers, there was no going back now.

Except he didn’t want this. He would be kicked out after this and he would be back to trying to fill a hole inside of him that the only person that would be able to fill it would never be available. It would be the start of an infinite loop that Joost wasn’t sure he wanted to be stuck in.

“Wait.” He sat up fully. “I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t, really, I’m sorry.”

“Why? I’ll use protection, I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

“It’s not that.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No, it’s… I don’t know how to explain it, sorry.” Joost got up, searching for his shirt.

“You’re going to leave?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re a great guy, just… I can’t do it tonight.”

Nic watched him with a disappointed yet sad stare as he put his clothes back on and left without another word said between the two.

That day had felt like Joost was a stray dog that was trying to find a forever home, but he kept running away before he could be taken care of, realizing that he was meant to roam the streets forever. He decided to stop by a bar, it barely had people in it, only a group of men in a table chatting about life and two bored bartenders that seemed to clean the same glasses over and over again. He sat down at the bar and asked for a pint of beer and asked if he could charge his phone behind the counter, it having died at some point while he was with Nic.

Joost mourned over the perfect image he had in his head of spending seven hours on a train to run into Teun’s arms and hold him close while drinking his beer and listening to what basically was a breakup song playlist that only he seemed to understand. He lit a cigarette and tried to drown his misery in the smoke, but it felt like Teun had cemented himself in his brain, having carved his initials into every groove and hiding in every corner.

“Hey man, we’re closing in like half an hour.” One of the bartenders came up to him. Joost nodded silently and reached for his phone, it was almost 3 am.

He got to the train station dragging his feet, sleep finally begging his body to stop and rest, but he stayed awake, walking onto the train and only falling asleep once he reached his seat, curling his body up the best he could and putting on his headphones so no one would bother him.

“Hi Apple,” Joost greeted his dog, who came into the room with her favorite toy in hand, “wanna play?”

Apple opted to jump on top of his bed, leaving her apple plush next to him, plopping down and looking at him with the same worried eyes that Joost had grown to know that meant that she could sense something wrong in him.

“Thank you, darling.” He stretched his hand and petted her head. “I’m just tired, it was a long night.”

He had gotten home around midday, he took Apple for a walk, Nina nowhere in sight, probably off at work; ate some sushi he found in his fridge and decided that he should just stay in bed until the foreseeable future, or until Apple asked him to go on a walk.

“You have it so easy,” he said to his dog, “you just have to worry about if I’ll actually take you out on time. You don’t have to pay taxes, work, or worry about love.” Joost sighed, letting his head burry itself further in his pillow.

His phone rang again. Joost had learned how to tune it out pretty quickly, not feeling like talking to anyone for probably a long time. He got some precious seconds of silence with Apple making herself comfortable in the bed, leaning her head on his chest and falling asleep. At least Joost had her.

Someone knocked at his door.

Joost thought about letting it pass, just like all the missed calls and unread messages he had in his phone, but the knocking was consistent, almost frenetic.

“Do I go answer?” He looked at his dog, who was already waiting to greet whatever stranger there was with a wagging tail. “Okay, I’ll go.”

He dragged his feet through his apartment, Apple winning that race against him to the front door, doing happy taps at the frantic knocking. Joost opened the door without looking through the peephole.

Teun.

“Tantu?”

“Oh god, you’re fine,” there seemed to be genuine relief in his voice. “You scared me so bad last night.” Teun launched himself for a hug, only getting to hold him for a couple of seconds before Joost pushed him away. “What’s wrong, man? You’re acting so off; I’m worried for you.”

“Did you seriously have to come here?”

“I kind of did considering I called you more than a hundred times and you haven’t picked up.”

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Can I at least accompany you? You seemed so… I don’t know, I just need to know you’re alright after last night.”

“I’m fine, is that enough?”

“Joost.” Teun looked at him with a frown. “Please.”

“Fine, I’ll be in my room.” Joost left the door open, walking back to his room and laying back in his bed. He could hear Teun greeting Apple form the living room, and he wished to live in the reality in his head where that was Teun getting back from a long day at work, ready to go up to their room to kiss his forehead. Joost curled up on himself and closed his eyes, trying to not cry at knowing that would never happen.

“Joost?” He heard Teun’s voice mixing with the creaking of the door after a while. “Can I come in?”

“You’re already in.”

“Can you talk to me?” He felt weight on the end of the bed, finally opening his eyes to see Teun with his hands on his lap, nervously fiddling with his fingers.

“About what?”

“There’s something bothering you, you can’t just keep it to yourself.”

“I’m not keeping it to myself.” He counted the two conversations he had with Martijn and Apson as enough for his pining to not be something he was keeping to himself.

“Well, can I know what’s bothering you to the point that you went missing on the streets of Berlin and aren’t giving any sign of life?” He asked gently.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“I can try.”

“I just… it’s stupid, do you really need to know?”

“I need to, now.”

 Joost tried to find how to say what he wanted to correctly. “I like men.” It felt normal to say that statement without a but driven into the words.

“You do?”

“Yeah, just found out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, kind of stupid to find that out when I’m almost 30.”

“Not everything is linear in life.”

“I know, but… it’s too much, you know?”

“I know.”

“I appreciate the sentiment.”

“No, really, I know.” Joost sat up, finally looking at Teun properly.

“I know we have a lot of queer friends, but—”

“Joost, I like men too,” Teun said. It sounded as natural as someone asking him what his name was, or what he did for a living, “I know how it feels.”

“You like men?”

“Yeah, I never told you this?”

“No?”

“Now you know,” Teun smiled at him.

“But… you were— last night, you know.”

“Bisexuality exists, Joost.”

His brain was trying to process how to take this information. Whether to let his hopes up again, or to finally start crying. He was so close, this entire time, but the end goal was still too far away.

“I… yeah, it’s been hard.”

“I remember when I had my first crush on a guy, I was writing our names in my notebooks and did silly romantic beats for him.” Teun smiled at the memories. “Of course, there was a lot of me now knowing what to do or what was wrong with me, but once I finally understood, it felt so freeing. It was like I could finally piece together this puzzle that had no edge pieces and it was just a solid color.”

“Were you ever with him? Were you boyfriends?”

“Yeah, for a bit, it wasn’t really meant for us, so we broke up after a couple of months.”

“And what if he didn’t reciprocate your feelings?”

“Is that what happened?” Joost nodded, staring at his lap. “That hurts no matter what, man.”

“I just think I need to be alone for a moment, I got too used to him.”

“I’m sure he would like to know, maybe he feels the same.”

“Don’t give me hope,” Joost pushed away the warmth his heart was starting to feel. “Please, don’t give me hope.”

They stayed in silence.

“Who is he?” Teun asked, almost sounding scared of asking. Joost didn’t answer, not sure if either of them wanted to hear the answer to the question. “Joost, who is he?”

“You,” he whispered. He hoped for a laugh, for a slap, for anything that would make sense in his mind. Instead, he got Teun’s hand reaching for his, his thumb caressing the back of it. “You’re not going to get mad at me?”

“Can I be honest?” Joost nodded. “I’ve had a crush on you for too long.”

“What?”

“Yeah, but you had a girlfriend, you were pretty sure you were straight, so I just… kept it.”

“How did you manage?”

“I’ve just hoped that this day would come, I thought it would only happen in my dreams.”

“But all this time you were… you know, what happened last night and all.”

“I don’t want to hookup with people at random, it’s always nice to talk to them before. No strings attached, but at least I can pay for dinner before.”

“Can I do something?”

“Whatever you want.”

Joost crawled over to Teun, reaching his fingers up to his face to gently hold it before kissing him. His lips were soft and moved with a contained eagerness. Joost could also feel himself grow restless at not deepening the kiss, but he just had to try this, have a moment of softness. They separated and looked at each other with dilated pupils, almost no blue nor green to see.

“Can you do that again?” Teun asked.

They started kissing, lips messily finding each other. It felt like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert, needing to bathe in the cool water to stop the sun from burning their skins.

Joost had straddled Teun to his bed, kissing his skin as he went down, getting rid of his layers of clothes as Teun looked at him like he had hung up the stars in the night sky. Joost stopped before getting to Teun’s pants.

“Are you good?”

“I’ve never done this,” Joost admitted.

“I’ll guide you.” Teun sat up, grabbing Joost’s face gently before kissing him.

They ended tangled up in each other. Teun moaning under Joost, reassuring him at every touch and move he did, telling him that he was doing a good job, letting Joost not hyperfocus on what he was doing and enjoying the moment. He let himself moan at the feeling of Teun around him, kissing his skin, holding his hips, not having enough of him. It felt perfect. It was perfect.

“Can you stay here?” Joost asked after they were done, holding each other close in Joost’s bed.

“I can stay the night,” Teun answered. “I’ll leave tomorrow.”

“Do you seriously have to leave?”

“I need to pack.”

“Where are you going?” Joost was already thinking about where to buy a plane ticket to follow Teun to wherever he was going.

“Aren’t we locking ourselves in a film set until we finish the album?”

Right, they had promised each other this months ago.

“You’re coming back?”

“Of course.” Teun gave him a peck in his lips.