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As I walked up the two short steps of the stage and toward the podium, I could feel all eyes on me. They screamed pity and I couldn’t stand it. So when I spoke, I made sure that my voice was at least a hundred times stronger than I felt. I shuffled my speech and laid it in the order that I liked. It was a few pages. I knew I wouldn’t have the courage to say it all.
“For those of you who don’t know me, I am Min Yoongi,” I held up my left hand. “I am here because I am married to Park Jimin. And I am here to talk, not to you all, but to him. I was going to do it in privacy, with only us two, but his parents insisted I talk in front of you all, and who am I to deny their request?” I shot a smile in the direction of Mr. and Mrs. Park, who returned the gesture. “Park Jimin,” I said, softly, though the microphone still managed to pick it up, sending my whisper tumbling around the room. “We always fit together like puzzle pieces,” I said. “We never really fought unless I was blackout drunk. You yourself was never one for alcohol and even when I was horrible to you and called you names you never seemed to care. We both knew it was the alcohol talking but you were the only one who could do anything about it and still remember it in the morning,” I paused to chuckle softly. “I want to thank you for not dumping me on spot. I know I’m hard to deal with at times like that, and you put up with me.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “To this day I am baffled as to why you dealt with me and my madness and why you stuck with me through all of the horrible times. You are and actual angel that earth was blessed with and anyone who has ever even so much as laid eyes on you would agree. You are perfect. Not only in my eyes, but in everyone else’s eyes, as well.” I gave a good look around the room. Was he even listening?
“I remember the first day we met. It was at Namjoon and Seokjin’s wedding. You were Joon’s best man, and I was Jin’s. It was the first time we walked down the aisle. Three years later would be the second.” I paused as a couple of older ladies ‘aww’ed. “Both times I was filled to the brim with happiness. But the second time it was for myself- for you. For us.” I promised myself it wouldn’t happen, but it was already too late when a tear slipped out of my eye without my consent. I quickly wiped it away and continued. “The second time we met, I remember, was at a grocery store. Your cart was filled with nothing but strawberry flavored items and sweets. I questioned you and you said that it was your friend’s birthday and strawberry was his favorite. I thought that it was sweet and impulsively asked you out to coffee. You impulsively agreed. Thinking back, I’m glad you did. If either of us had a doubt, we wouldn’t have had such great times together. We wouldn’t have gone to an amusement park for our second date. Or Olive Garden for our third. We wouldn’t have had our first kiss on New Years. Thinking back, you’ve made me the happiest person ever and thinking back I feel like I never got to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Thinking back, it’s still a bit fuzzy, but all of those times I lashed out seem absolutely ludicrous and I wish I could take them back. You didn’t need that. I know you get stressed really easily and even then, I was horrible and you are ever so amazing to deal with me all the time and not lose 100% of your marbles. It’s amazing to me.” Now I was crying for real and I could feel every eye in the room boring into me and raking out all of the sadness it had and hurling it onto me and that is the emotion I felt. Totally despondent.
“Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. Just go back to the first time we met. Not to change anything. Just to live through it all again. That’s something I could do a million times and never get tired of.” I’ve no idea why but I absolutely went crazy in that moment and I started yelling. “Do you hear that Park Jimin? I would live a million lives with you. I love you so much and I will never not love you and having the chance to be with you all over again would be the best thing that ever happened to me!” I couldn’t stop myself from smiling at the love I felt. It must have been infectious because I noticed others smiling too, and some even let out a holler, urging me to go on. And I did. “I have never loved anyone in my entire life more than I love you. I love you more than myself.” I stopped at that. The room was silent.
“I made it obvious, I’m sure.” My voice had returned to a whisper. The speech sitting on the podium in front of me was long forgotten. “With the drinking, and the occasional smoking, ‘forgetting’ to buckle up in the car or look both ways before I crossed a street, yet always making sure you did, to stay safe. Because your existence is so important, and your health is so precious.” I stopped to wipe some of the tears away.
“Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so fucking horrible to you and myself. Then maybe we’d be happy.” I looked dead into the eyes of Jimin’s mother and saw pure despair. “And maybe you’d still be alive.”
Maybe if he were still alive, I wouldn't be in front of nearly a hundred people crying my eyes out at his funeral.