Work Text:
Jungwon stared at his medicine receipt, feeling dejected that more medicine required to take was added. The doctor appointment was oddly long, he recited all his new discomforts and pains, resulting in more and more pills to take.
But he felt that it was kind of worthless, Jungwon kept taking medicine every day in the exact amount and at the right time of the hour, though it never really worked.
He was not feeling any better, and it frustrates him since he missed a lot of practice, performances and comebacks because of this stupid illness, migraines felt worse, his body felt sore; he couldn't even get out of bed the other day, Jungwon felt weak even though he's been bedridden most of the time.
All he can do is go online and talk to his fans through media apps, and even that, lately he's been failing to do. He could write, “I’m sorry, I'm fine, don't worry. I feel a lot better.” even though he's feeling worse.
"When will this end!" Echoed in his mind.
Jungwon cries every time he feels vulnerable, which is most of the time. He hasn't been seen in public for months, only pictures of his hands doing a peace sign or a heart, sometimes a selfie when he doesn't look half as bad as he usually does. And that was all. Nothing else he could give to his beloved fans.
Jungwon thought about terminating his contract with belift, many idols have done so when it felt hopeless. Yet he couldn't, Jungwon hasn't repaid even half of what love he got. And that burdens him, he can't just disappear knowing he has so many people to leave behind.
He's trying, he tried. Tried his hardest.
Tears rolled down Jungwon’s face, it stings. Every drop, every sob, it hurts.
He wiped his face, damping it slowly like he always used to.
His phone lit up.
“It's time to take medicine,” Jungwon mumbled to himself. He took his medicine box and grimaced at how many it was.
He took a pill and drank water
Took a pill again and drank
Took a pill, and drank
And again and again till he was finished.
Every pill he takes he feels horrid, it's like the pills scar his throat, and water just feels like drowning him. He wants to throw up but he doesn't have a choice but to swallow. Every fucking time, it's the same thing every. fucking. time.
Jungwon’s so sick of it.
*Buzz* *buzz* his phone lit up again, the white light hurts his eyes in the dark room. It was an email from the company, it was a paycheck delay, signaling all his missed contribution to the company. It looms over him and Jungwon feels dizzy again.
“they're kicking me out! Out of the group, out of the company!” his head pounds in agony, body falling over onto the bed, wishing that somebody opens the door and just embraces him. But there isn't anyone, anymore. He's alone inside his room, miles away from the members, and his family. He’s quarantined for God's sake.
Jungwon’s dying, and he's alone. His airways close for a second as tears block them, building up enough water for it to roll down his cheeks. Miserable, he does not sob, not cry, not hic. The silence kills him, since even he himself cannot make noise to prove that he is still alive.
"Where are my brothers, my hyungs and my dongsaeng" he asks himself. A chilling sensation ran up his body and it left him feeling like there's a hole at his chest, that kills any life left inside.
“Siri, call Heeseung hyung,” He croaks with every energy left. He's not dying, just desperately still living.
The phone rings and he can hear just the moment when Heeseung places his phone to his ear. “Jungwon-ah? Why did you call, how are you? We’ve missed you so much!” he's again, bombarded with the same questions, like the calls he had before with every single person he knows in his life.
Jungwon breaths, trying to form a word, a sentence even. “y-.. your, day..” his eyebrows grew closer, as he buries his head deeper into the bed.
“My day? Ahm, it was good, I hope you're here though—”
“No— your day, hyung.. tell.. me…” Heeseung might've caught on to the situation, and held a minute to pause before speaking again, the tone was completely different.
“I was happy today, I ate tonkatsu for breakfast, alone,” Heeseung let out a small laugh, faltering as he stops talking. Jungwon smiles a bit too, appreciating that his hyung still tries to caress him to comfort.
“Yeah... the others went out for the cake. Since it's Ni-ki’s birthday tomorrow, he says he'll wish for you. Then we went to the company because we have a meeting for a tour—” Heeseung’s voice turns slowly to silence, fogging, maybe Jungwon’s tears finally reached his ears?
Jungwon closes his eyes and warm tears flow down, to his nose, his throat. Not breathing is more pleasant now. The tiresome effort to inhale and exhale. Stillness in his chest gives him peace.
Jungwon thinks he heard the other member’s voices, but he doesn't know anymore, he fell asleep.
——————
Hello, This is Belift Lab.