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The match between Karasuno and Shiratorizawa Academy was less than 24 hours away.
Sweat, balls rolling around the gym, tired bodies and squeaking shoes, along with the coach’s shouts, were all that could be heard. The tension was palpable, a mixture of nerves and adrenaline gripped the entire team. Each of them had a mission, a fundamental role to play in the imminent battle for victory.
Once training was over, everyone made their way to the showers… as always, the last to leave were the duo: Ushijima and Satori. They used to talk strategy, although it was usually a monologue from the middle blocker. That routine had been with them for years, almost like a ritual before important matches.
But not today. Today they walked in silence…
—Satori—the man looked at him expectantly as he wiped the sweat from his fase —You know I trust the whole team and your blocks, but please be rational. Don’t do anything foolish… No guessing tomorrow. I need you focused.
—Pff… hahaha mm Toshi, you make me laugh. You even look scareeed
—I’m not playing. I’m your captain. Do what I tell you.
The red-haired man was speechless and static. He didn’t know how to respond.
—I understand your position, but I’m asking you as a favour.
—My position? -What is my position, Wakatoshi?
—Don’t be like that. You’re overreacting.
—No noo, I’m not! I want to know. Be clear, Wakatoshi. What do you have to tell me? What do you think of me? —When he didn’t get an answer, he shouted, —OH, COME ON, Ushijima! WHAT? You’re not your usual straight self now? Are you afraid of me? GOD, so many years and this shitty match brought out the fucking truth inside you?
Tears began to fall uncontrollably as he felt his throat tearing. The weight of expectation, the pressure of competition and the fear of losing what he considered an unbreakable friendship hit him like an unstoppable torrent.
—JEEZ… I can’t believe the person I least expected it from thinks the same SHIT AS EVERYONE ELSE…!!
—Satori, I didn’t say you were a monster. My request is simple, dammit! STOP TRYING TO DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. IT’S NOT YOUR TIME. I NEED YOU TO PUT AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS YOUR “I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING” PERSONALITY BECAUSE THE REST OF US DO! OUR LIFE DEPENDS ON WHAT HAPPENS TOMORROW. STOP BEING A CHILD WHO THINKS THAT LIFE IS MOVING AGAINST HIM.
The tears were uncontainable, the pain overwhelming, and the anger on the brown-haired man’s face was evident.
—Yes, captain… - he whispered, watching the other’s back, who didn’t stop to wait for him before entering the locker room —I didn’t even say the word “monster” …
Couldn’t believe what had happened. Ushijima used to be a serious guy, but he had never been so tough, not even in that tone of voice.
An empty feeling filled his chest. Maybe what he thought was true after all: he had never fit in, even where he felt he belonged.
That night was different than usual.
He was beginning to feel the times of change approaching faster than wanted them to. Tendō, after that fight, did his best not to cross eyes with his captain. He had a shower when everyone was asleep, watched the stars on the rooftop trying to understand why he couldn’t let go of the growing anguish in his throat.
His life had always been the same. Sooner or later, everyone got tired of him. He thought Ushijima was the exception, but he had let him down too.
He was heartbroken.
He arrived at the room when the clock ticked 01:30 a.m. and left before daylight so he wouldn’t have to meet him. He didn’t feel ready to look him in the eyes, so he didn’t do so until moments before the game. He was so immersed in his own thoughts that he couldn’t hear any of the technical talk, just nodding and moving from memory, but he wasn’t present….
—Hey, Ten!! let’s warm up— “His captain” spoke to him.
—H-hmm… Hi, Wakatoshi. Um… I’ll do it with Goshiki, he needs my help.
—Tendō… —When he got no answer, he took him by the arm and said firmly – Satori! Are you avoiding me?
—N-no, no… Let me go captain, please. I have to warm up and concentrate – replied with a hint of sarcasm that the other didn’t understand.
The match started. Everything was going well, he was controlling it, they were connecting with each other, everything was flowing point by point... he didn't care that he was forbidden to guess, how could he not? it was the only thing that was his, the only thing he was good at and he understood until Tendō started to miss his blocks.
He wasn’t concentrating at all. Despite everything his head kept telling him how awful he was.
These were the obvious consequences of lack of food and sleep... And worst of all was that look burning into the back of his head. He couldn't stand it, he couldn't handle the fact that Ushijima hating him. Until what he needed happened. On a last block, he failed to position his hand properly and the force of the ball injured him.
—Yeees… —he let out like a shout, what some interpreted as a cry of pain...
For him, it was a relief. He would no longer have to share that match with Ushijima and, perhaps, in the next instance, after beating Karasuno, they could settle their differences to at least lower the tension.
However, that never happened.
In the nurse’s office, he found out that Shiratorizawa had lost. That was the last match of the year. He would no longer share the court with the man he thought was his best friend… A deep, shooting pain settled in his stomach.
Maybe…
Maybe it was meant to be. A sign that it was all over? The end of an era?
After that, Satori never crossed paths with Ushijima again.
He moved in with his parents with the excuse of the injury to his hand, when the real reason was to avoid sharing the room. There was no more practice, so there was no need to attend. He arrived at class on time and left as soon as it was over. They didn´t talk and the other side showed no desire to come closer. At least, that's what the redhead thought.
On graduation day he was sharing with Semi, the families of his friends and as soon as he could, he left.
The wing spiker was never able to approach him to talk. Wakatoshi was always surrounded by people: teammates, coaches and even scouts looking to convince him of a future in professional volleyball. Between the gifts, the congratulations and the laughter of others, at some point he realised that he disappeared from his sight.
When he finally managed to slip away from the crowd, Ushijima ran to the dormitory, hoping to find him there, perhaps saying goodbye to his place… but it was too late. Only a small paper note lay on the bed. He took it with unsteady hands and read it:
“Wakatoshi-kun, thank you for so many years of friendship. I´m very grateful for everything and sorry for disappointing you…
You´ll become an even brighter star in the future ahead of you, the best volleyball player. I’m glad to have been part of the process. All the best and good luck to you.
Forever yours, Satori Tendō.”
Disappoint him… Him? He’d never done that.
His chest contracted with a sickening pang of anguish. The words echoed over and over in his mind, but nothing made sense. He couldn’t stand still, couldn’t accept that Tendō had left without saying goodbye face to face. He ran out, desperately searching for the one person who could give him answers. When he found Semi, grabbed his arm tightly, ignoring the look of confusion on his face.
—Eita, where is Tendō? —he asked urgently.
—Oh, well… he…
—Shit, Semi, tell me now!
—He’s gone. Because of you, my friend left.
—WHAT? WHERE? To his parents’ house? I need to find him! Tell me right now!
Semi clicked her tongue and glared at him.
—For God’s sake… you’re slow. HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU’RE STUPID! HE LEFT AS SOON AS HE RECEIVED HIS TITLE SO HE WOULDN’T SEE YOUR DUMB FACE.
Ushijima felt as if something hit his stomach with brutality. —W-what? -No… It can’t be.
—Did you have to be such a shit? Is the only thing in your fucking brain a volleyball?
—I’m sorry… SORRY… - His voice breaking like never before.
—I didn’t mean to… I was under too much pressure from everyone…
—FUCKING BULLSHIT, USHIJIMA! —Semi shouted angrily —You broke Tendō! You knew what you meant to him and still you didn’t care. The pain in his chest was unbearable.
—Please… tell me where he is.
—Up on a plane to Paris with no return date, no parents, no friends… no goodbye. I’ll never forgive you. Bye, Captain.
And with those words, Semi turned away, leaving him alone in the hallway.
Ushijima felt his body go weak.
Had he hurt him so much that he had left the country without even wanting to see him again?
He tried to call out to him. No answer.
He tried to send him a message. Blocked.
Tried to find someone who knew anything about him. No one had any information, or that’s what they answered. He knew they were lying to him, that they were hiding it from him, but he kept insisting... he needed to know.
It was as if Tendō had simply gone off the fucking face of the earth. He couldn’t forgive himself for having been such an idiot as to lose the one person he really thought was important in his life.
The whole future he imagined for the two of them, together. He was so afraid of confessing his feelings that he was going to wait until after final exams to talk to him... to tell him how much he loved him for so long.
How is he going to live knowing that the love of his life hates him? The only one he needed by his side to face the new stage of growing up.
When Satori arrived in Paris, he took a deep breath, feeling the cold air of the foreign city envelop him.
"New adventures. New people. New experiences"
He repeated those words to himself over and over, as if they were a mantra that could ease the ache in his chest.
At least he didn't make the mistake of confessing his feelings to him... if he had treated him so badly because of a stupid game, he didn't want to imagine what would have happened if he had told him that he loved him. Just thinking about it made him want to throw up. It was so stupid to think that someone like Wakatoshi could look at him differently. How did the thought that it would be mutual even cross his mind? He got his hopes up in such a childish way...
He deserved better.
He understood that when he realised that they were just friends, partners... Only he thought they were ‘best friends’? even that wasn't real?
Perhaps his new place in the world is here. A new life, a new Tendo... no one who knows his past. An uncertain future. This is what he needs.
Maybe, hopefully, someone new in his life who won't push him away... someone who really loves him. He knew it would hurt. And he knew it would continue to hurt. But he was also convinced that, in a few months, it would be just another memory, a painful injury that would heal in time. He had kept all his love deep in his heart, repressed his feelings for so many years.
Ever since he met him.
Now, he could keep doing it... it would be easier without having him around to tempt him. Even this could fade away and be forgotten.
Or… so he thought.