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The morning light flickered in and out of the room from behind fluffy clouds, reaching Cheng Xiaoshi's face and gently painting him in a shimmery glow of yellow and white. He let out a small mumble of discontent, rolling away from the window and burying his face against the pillow beneath him, hoping for a second or two more of sleep. The chirping of the birds outside seemed to have other plans, however, the symphony much like a noisy alarm planned for Cheng Xiaoshi specifically. It was both nice and frustrating for someone who definitely was NOT a morning person.
Cheng Xiaoshi rolled himself onto his back, staring up at the mattress above his face. Unmoving and seemingly untouched. It always appeared that way in the mornings, somehow, as if Lu Guang had never slept in it to begin with. He always did, of course, because otherwise Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn't be able to occasionally sneak a glance at the sleeping beauty in the mornings. That was another effect Lu Guang always had in the beginning moments of the day, adding such a peacefulness and beauty to the morning light that even Shakespeare couldn't describe with words. Although it was a wonderful sight to wake up to, it didn't occur often that Cheng Xiaoshi was able to see it. Most of the time, Lu Guang would already be awake and preparing some kind of breakfast (noodles, probably). Other times, Lu Guang's state of sleep wouldn't be one of bliss. He could be caught tossing and turning, sweating, or sometimes even muttering small things. Nightmares.
Cheng Xiaoshi was fairly familiar with that sort of thing. Ever since his parents had vanished, the same, horrible memory would replay in his mind after his eyes would shut over and over again. He'd find himself losing more sleep to those horrible memories than to anything he could ever think of. Having Qiao Ling around as a kid definitely helped keep him distracted. It wasn't easy, but she made it better. So, whenever Cheng Xiaoshi was bestowed the awful honor of seeing Lu Guang in such distress, a simple touch or small mutter of words would do enough to soothe him. Sometimes, just having someone there is enough.
So, Cheng Xiaoshi sat up and readied himself for whatever sight may lay ahead, a fond smile growing on his face as the image of a sleeping, peaceful Lu Guang appeared in his mind. He took a moment to stretch his limbs, standing from the bottom bunk of the bed and earning a soft creak from the metal before turning to check Lu Guang's bed. Empty, the sheets smoothed and set atop the bed perfectly. He tsked, having looked forward to seeing Lu Guang before he woke up, though he didn't take long to dwell on the fact he was too late, instead walking out of the sun lit room to inspect what his white haired roommate had prepared for breakfast.
The walk was more of a sleepy stagger as he walked through the familiar mini room that lead to the stairs. He probably should've taken another minute to wake up. Once he arrived at the first floor, Cheng Xiaoshi let out another yawn, taking a moment to gently rub the sleep out of his eyes before looking around the familiar sunlit hall. It was certainly not the most eventful room. The occasional picture was on the wall, though there wasn't much else to look at. He tucked his hands behind his head and walked into the main room of thr Time Photo Studio, expecting to see his beautiful roommate standing and preparing the food he desired to eat, though was met with an empty counter.
The heck? Cheng Xiaoshi huffed in a slight pout, hands drooping back down to his sides as he carefully inspected the untouched space. Had Lu Guang even prepared food at all? That was unusual, to say the least. Did he seriously abandon him with no breakfast so he could go buy groceries?! Shaking his head, Cheng Xiaoshi looked back into the eyes of the hallway, as if daring it to try and stop him from venturing from room to room once more. Maybe Lu Guang was just laying down on the couch. As out of character as it seemed, it wasn't entirely impossible.
“Lu Guang, you in there?” Cheng Xiaoshi called out, a hint of confusion lacing his eyes. “If you're just ignoring me, I'm kicking you out!!”
Cheng Xiaoshi turned back for the stairs, though this time stalked past them, his footsteps heavy and eyebrows creased as his mind began to wander further and further away from any logical thoughts. Had something happened to Lu Guang and he was too deep in sleep to notice? It wouldn't be the first time he was too busy being the idiot he was to notice Lu Guang having trouble, or in this case, being (possibly) taken.
The swarm of horrifying thoughts simmered down as Cheng Xiaoshi entered the room and saw that Lu Guang was laying on the couch, eyes shut and breathing even. Cheng Xiaoshi let out a relieved sigh, the normally energy filled eyes finally relaxing once landing on Lu Guang's form. Cheng Xiaoshi then approached the white haired beauty, kneeling down next to the couch and staring up at him. Gosh, what a sight he was. He was even prettier when he wasn't tense and on edge all the time. Cheng Xiaoshi raised a hand, slowly, softly placing it atop Lu Guang's head and threading his fingers through the hair.
Thinking he had successfully touched Lu Guang without waking him, Cheng Xiaoshi smiled and continued his gentle petting, hand sunken into the softness of the silky strands beneath him. It was like touching a really fluffy cat. The feeling of the softness beneath his fingers was relaxing after nearly panicking, thinking he had lost his roommate once again. He rested his head on the space next to his roommate's shoulder, staring up at him with hazy eyes and a lazy smile. It had barely been three seconds before Lu Guang jolted awake, springing up and looking over at Cheng Xiaoshi with a look that screamed ‘startled’.
Sensing his unease, Cheng Xiaoshi yanked himself away, pulling his hands away and slowly lowering them to his lap. “Hey, looks like the sleeping beauty finally awoke from his deep slumber,” he began, raising an eyebrow in a teasing manner. “What made you willing to pass out there? Couch isn't that comfy.”
Lu Guang stared at his puppy of a friend for a moment, a glint in his eyes showing that he was still exhausted despite the substantial amount of sleep he had collected over the hours. His eyes darted the room, taking everything in for another moment before they returned to Cheng Xiaoshi, a sigh escaping his lips. “I guess I was really tired from the dive yesterday.”
It didn't take a genius to know that wasn't true, Cheng Xiaoshi knew that much because, well, 1), he wasn't a genius, and 2), it was obvious to him. Though he shrugged it off, marking it was one of the many mysteries about Lu Guang that he would solve when Lu was ready and stood, stretching out his stiff form with his hands cradling his head from behind. “Yeah, that was pretty exhausting for someone other than a big strong man such as myself. I don't blame ya for being tired~” he teased.
Lu Guang let out a soft laugh, a sound that could stop a million babies from crying as well as temporarily distract Cheng Xiaoshi from his original mission of getting Lu Guang to feel better. “Either that or it was the idiot in charge of what happened during the dive that wore me out,” he replied, punctuated with a yawn as he stood up himself. His knees cracked lightly with the sudden movement, not used to being used after such a long period of time, his eyes having to squint when being presented with the light of the sun.
Cheng Xiaoshi, being the overdramatic lump of emotion that he was, mocked an offended gasp, putting a hand up to his forehead and collapsing to the couch princess style. “Oh, Lu Guang, your words wound me so.”
The younger boy let out an exasperated sigh after a moment of staring at his childish roommate, who continued to dramatically lay astray on the couch even as he began to leave the room. To be quite frank, he didn't have the energy or the time to feed into Cheng Xiaoshi's shenanigans today, or any day, for that matter. Despite the lack of energy he possessed, it was always comforting to see Cheng Xiaoshi be nothing but the carefree idiotic child he was, especially after…
“I'll pick up some food. Are dumplings okay? You like those beef ones from the store with the old man, right?” Lu Guang asked as he walked down the hall and for the door.
“Wait wait wait wait wait!” Cheng Xiaoshi sprang to his feet, darting around the small coffee table and stopping once he managed to maneuver himself in front of his roommate, grabbing his shoulders tightly. “It's my turn to take care of breakfast!” he whined, standing taller so as to block Lu Guang's view of the door entirely. “Besides, you're not even dressed, so I can just get the dumplings.”
“When did we start taking turns for breakfast…?” Lu Guang muttered as Cheng Xiaoshi began to push more than guide him back onto the couch.
“When you started waking up like you hadn't slept at all,” the other retorted, crossing his arms over his puffed up chest. “What's up with that, anyways?”
Lu Guang felt an invisible force clog up his throat at that, though no matter how many times he swallowed, it wouldn't go down. He clawed at his pant legs, fingers digging into the skin beneath as if he weren't truly in his own skin. Had Cheng Xiaoshi already figured it out? Would he storm out and get hurt like he had so many timelines ago? He took a deep, subtle breath, trying to memorize the words he had used for this situation so long ago. He kept his panic hidden behind the cages of his eyes, staring up at Cheng Xiaoshi and finally responding after many moments of silence with a shaky waver in his voice. “It's just work stress. I'm fine, Cheng Xiaoshi.”
Cheng Xiaoshi's normally bright eyes narrowed in both worry and dissatisfaction. Arghh, Lu Guang. Why are you always so sketchy?! Cheng Xiaoshi hadn't been one to push his friends into anything without them being optimistic about it as well, really. It just felt wrong to try and pressure them into something they didn't want to do, whether it was about going bungee jumping or revealing a really deep secret. He preferred letting them do things their own way, where they would be comfortable. It took a lot of patience, obviously, but he was willing to go through it if it meant making his friends happy. But to be frank, he didn't know if he'd be able to keep doing this much longer.
Lu Guang obviously was nowhere near ready sharing the burden that weigh heavy on his aching shoulders, the way his fingers clawed at his pants mimicking the way a bright red sign got its point across without a second glance. But it had already been so long. Cheng Xiaoshi wanted nothing more than a glimpse into that head of his, to be able to explore deep within the labyrinth of his darkest secrets and peel away their defenses, leaving nothing but the inner, most fragile parts of Lu Guang for his eyes and his eyes only. He wanted nothing more than just that. He wanted to know Lu Guang's secrets. He wanted Lu Guang to finally open up his heart and spread his feelings out beneath a microscope for the two of them to observe together.
He wanted Lu Guang to trust him.
“Lu Guang,” he began, shifting uncomfortably in his stance. “I know I said I'd wait until you're ready, but…” He paused for a moment, tapping his foot on the ground much like an anxious rabbit and raising his hand to the back of his neck as if there were a button to turn off all nerves. “I just want you to be honest with me, y'know?” His eyes trailed over to Lu Guang's face, though darted away after a moment of staring into those tired, beautiful eyes. “... You can trust me.”
Of course I can, Cheng Xiaoshi.
Lu Guang bit his lip hard enough to draw blood if given a bit more pressure, clenching his fists at his sides. Dammit, what was going on? He'd done nothing but what he thought would save Cheng Xiaoshi this time. Why was he doing this? Everything should be perfect. This was his foolproof plan. His flawless execution.
This wasn't right.
He swallowed the growing barrier in his throat, vision starting to swim and distort as he muttered out a response. “Cheng Xiaoshi, I'm okay. I'm just tired.” It wasn't clear who he was trying to convince anymore.
Cheng Xiaoshi didn't miss the wavering confidence hidden in the other's voice, but he kept his recognition buried beneath his desires so as to not push his roommate too hard and let out a sigh. God, Lu Guang. What's so bad you haven't told me after all this time? “Well, it's still my turn to get the dumplings. I'll pick you up something special, too!” He lit up the room with a grin, his attempts to lift the mood mocking the strength of a paper wall trying to keep a concrete ceiling up.
Lu Guang managed a sigh through the grip fears fingers had on his throat, the hold only seeming to tighten with each gasp he slipped through. “You really should save your money for things that matter, like real food,” he rasped, thumb rubbing vigorously at the knuckle of his pointer finger as if trying to pop it out of place by pure force.
“Ah, my treat! I'll even work extra hard this week to get all the money back, promise!”
Lu Guang huffed. “Childish…”
__
Moonlight flickered in and out of the window, leaving patterns on the floor as it danced with the light of the stars across the room in a mesmerizing waltz. Cheng Xiaoshi walked into the room, the eyes of the sky catching on his form and decorating him in a paint of soft blue and white. The autumn eyes drifted over to the sleeping beauty, the embrace of slumber and cushions soothing him and easing him into a state of relaxation. It would've been a nice sight if the ice prince was sleeping where he usually did. Any other place meant that he had either 1) overworked himself, or 2) succumbed to the stressing thoughts that Cheng Xiaoshi knew for a fact were overfilling his head.
Cheng Xiaoshi pushed the thoughts out of his head, trying to be thankful that Lu Guang was even getting a wink of sleep as he treaded up the stairs to fetch a blanket for him. He retrieved said blanket, snatching it from the other's bed and dragging it back down the stairs. A tripping hazard, yes, though he paid no mind to it. A sleepy hand ran through the messy mop of hair that draped over his forehead as he returned to the living room and held the blanket over Lu Guang's form. The sheet fell slower than snow on a warm evening, finally resting over its target and settling in gently around his form. It seemed all was well before the icy prince bolted awake, sitting up with a gasp and looking up at Cheng Xiaoshi.
His plans of letting Lu Guang sleep however long his body desired having already been foiled, Cheng Xiaoshi gave a silent sigh. He didn't take time to dwell on the fact that operation “Get My Roommate a Healthy Night of Sleep” was a flop and instead leaned forward, a hand lifting to set itself on said roommate's shoulder. “Lu, you alright?” he asked, a smile overtaking his face. “Sorry to wake you, I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't get chilly overnight.”
Lu Guang swallowed, gently pushing away Cheng Xiaoshi's touch and, as usual, averted his eyes to the ground. His breathing was once again shaky, Cheng Xiaoshi came to notice, as it always was after jolting awake. “I'm fine,” Lu muttered, standing and busying himself with neatly folding his now cast aside blanket. “I was just startled, that's all.”
“I'm just tired and unfocused.”
“You only startled me.”
“I was focused.”
Cheng Xiaoshi had heard them all before. Things Lu Guang would say to reassure him, to make him believe that was actually the case. Of course he'd think Cheng Xiaoshi actually believed they were explanations. What were they, if not that, after all?
Excuses.
None of what Lu Guang said was the truth, and it showed on his face, possibly more than he would prefer. The guilt, the sadness, the eternal conflict - Cheng Xiaoshi could see it all beyond those distracted eyes. He wanted nothing more than to ease Lu Guang of all that pain, all that suffering, the worrying, the anxiousness, the nightmares, everything. Though, at the same time, he wanted to make Lu Guang feel like he could open up when he wanted. It was a battle between his understanding and his eagerness to immediately jump up and help Lu Guang as soon as possible.
“Lu,” he finally began, resting his hand on his roommate's shoulder, “you can trust me. I know you're not just jolting awake like that from natural causes, at least not this often. Just… tell me what's going on, please. I want to know you're not shielding what's really going on with you because you don't think I'm too childish or untrustworthy to be worthy of knowing. I know I'm childish, but you can trust me.” He paused for a moment, stepping closer, his hand tightening on his roommate's shoulder. “I want to help you, Lu Guang. I really, really do. But I can't help if I don't know what's happening.”
God, Cheng Xiaoshi. He really had no idea how much those words meant, did he?
Lu Guang swallowed thickly at the touch, his hands stilling on the blanket, his body locked in place and his heart struggling to keep up with his panic. Out of all the timelines, why this one? Why now? Lu Guang had prepared himself mentally for everything. Everything except something like this. Normally, he'd have excuse after excuse planned out and executed perfectly. But now? Now, there was nothing. Nothing at all.
“I…” Lu Guang's voice was wavering, as if he were unsure of what would come out and scared of the result it'd bring, a fairly uncommon sight when it came to him. “Cheng Xiaoshi, I-I know I can trust you… I just…”
“Lu Guang, you don't have to coddle me like a child. Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
“I don't coddle you, Cheng Xiaoshi!” Lu Guang insisted, spinning around so he could properly face his - angry, worried, saddened? - roommate. “You just can't - It won't do us any good if you know.”
“What good won't it do?!” Cheng Xiaoshi spat desperately, taking a step forward. “It'll only do more harm, if anything! I don't want you to keep suffering, Lu Guang! Let me into the light, please. Just tell me what's going on.”
Lu Guang's breath caught in his throat as the invisible force of anxiety took over once again. How could he tell Cheng Xiaoshi any bit of the truth? His eyes darted around the room, as if the walls would hold the secrets he was searching for deep inside, though the room only stared back in a teasing silence. Lu Guang finally returned his gaze to the floor, mustering up the courage to speak up once again. “I can't, Cheng Xiaoshi.”
Cheng Xiaoshi took another step forward, his gaze and tone softening as he saw the vulnerability in his roommate's eyes. Just how much was he carrying on his shoulders to weigh him down so intensely? “Why not?”
Lu Guang's head shot up at that, his eyes filled to the brim with glistening tears that shined like diamonds as they poured down his face in various sizes. He grabbed Cheng Xiaoshi's jacket, his fingers nearly tearing through the fabric as he yanked the other closer. “Because you died, Cheng Xiaoshi!! You died!”
Lu Guang let out a shuddering breath, his head falling to rest against Cheng Xiaoshi's chest as he cried. He shut his eyes tightly, as if the darkness could cradle him and carry him away from the torture of realizing what what had just let spill out of his mind. He completely threw away his filter and let loose. “You died, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he repeated, voice a hoarse whisper. “You died, over and over and over again. Every damn timeline, no matter what, every single time you just died.” He swallowed, voice a breathy squeak as he spoke once more. “A-And I couldn't save you. Not a single damn time…”
He collapsed under the weight of his own words, not expecting Cheng Xiaoshi to follow him to the ground and hold any weight he leaned over. He continued to cry there, the two of them draped in the light of the night sky. It was a beautiful sight, if under different circumstances. “Y-You wanted me to save everyone,” he continued once he finally gained the breath to speak, his face steaming and his breath hitching as if his lungs were taking a climb up never ending stairs. “I-I'm sorry, Cheng Xiaoshi, I can't do it, I can't…”
Cheng Xiaoshi gently, slowly, and ever so hesitantly slipped his fingers into the threads of Lu Guang's hair, his hand shaking as he tried to make sense of it all. He had actually died? In another timeline? Would that mean this was some older, far more damaged version of Lu Guang? He swallowed the growing panic in his throat, focusing his mind on one thing. Helping Lu Guang. He had managed to stay strong for this long, keeping such a huge burden hidden behind that mask of perfection. Surely, Cheng Xiaoshi could manage to at least comfort him until he calmed down.
“Lu Guang,” he began once again, voice solemn and touch gentler than the petals of a hyacinth, “it's okay, just… just calm down. It'll be okay. We can-”
Lu Guang shook his head, tightening his grip on Cheng Xiaoshi's jacket. “No. No, just… stop. What if you get hurt again? Killed? I-I can't, I won't allow it. I can't. I won't risk it. I'm sorry, Cheng-”
“Lu, look at me,” Cheng Xiaoshi hissed, his hands moving to gently cup the other's face, bringing their gazes to meet. He grabbed his roommate's hand, softly tearing it from his jacket and applying it to the left of his chest, right on his heart, the soft thud thumping against his hand. “You feel that?”
Lu Guang took in a sharp breath, exhaling it shakily and nodding.
“I'm still here. I'm right here, Lu Guang. I'm okay,” Cheng Xiaoshi tried, his voice softening with each word. Lu Guang was so… fragile. It was as if he were made of glass. A beautiful glass Cheng Xiaoshi didn't wish to risk breaking. “It'll be alright. We can get through this together, okay? Just… don't bottle it all up again.”
Lu Guang bit back another sob. Damn you, Cheng Xiaoshi. Damn you and that stupidly beautiful heart of yours. He nodded after a minute of struggling to hold back any further tears, the tension in his shoulders easing slowly as the weight of his secret fell to oblivion. His head was pounding, and his face was sore from the emotions weaving through his veins. In all honesty, he felt hollow. Exhausted. Numb. Any other word that had the ability of describing how one felt after a long, hard cry. But now Cheng Xiaoshi knew, and it was either the worst mistake of his life or the best thing that ever happened to him. The line between both options was out of focus.
“Y-Yeah, okay… just…” He sighed, laying his head against Cheng Xiaoshi's heart, feeling the soft thumps of proof that he was okay. Cheng Xiaoshi shouldn't have to deal with this burden. He was okay on his own. If only he hadn't been such a light sleeper. “Just don't… don't go.”
Cheng Xiaoshi smiled at that, holding his roommate closer. “I'd never leave you. You just have to trust me.”
Lu Guang nodded again, wiping at his nose with a sniffle. “Okay… okay.”
Everything from that point on was a blur. Lu Guang could faintly remember the two of them sitting there and just talking for the rest of the night, bathed and painted in the moonlight that didn't seem as dark to him anymore. Everything felt monochrome until that point, until Cheng Xiaoshi had painted color in a colorless photograph. Part of Lu Guang thought he would grow to regret saying all of that to his puppy of a roommate, thinking that everything would go to ruins once again, even after all that hard work. Though, a much larger part of him believed it was the right thing to do. To let all the weight escape his being and just let someone else handle it for a change.
Just this once, he reminded himself as his eyes struggled to stay open. He finally put an end to his thoughts and let himself drift into a euphoric state of unconsciousness, cradled within his best friend's arms and never feeling more in place than he was then.