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~
It had been five months since the slaying of Smaug, the victory of the Battle of the Five Armies, and the taking back of Erebor. Five months since Thorin woke to the ache of a sword stab in his side and the news that all in his company successfully lived to reclaim the Lonely Mountain. Five months since Thorin was thrust into the role of King under the Mountain.
Years of guidance, studying, and teaching could not prepare him for the tediousness that came with the never ending responsibilities that caused the dullness to seep into his days and bones. What little reprieve he received came from the company of his companions. Most had accepted his offers of advisorship or guild leadership, allowing for weekly interaction, but those could not fill the hole months of companionship left. When his sister, Lady Dis, arrived after the third month, Thorin had felt a weight lift off his shoulders, opening his time for nightly dinners with the Company.
It was those nights that allowed Thorin to escape the monotony of his days of kingship. It was those moments in the feasting hall that Thorin found himself laughing at the antics of his sister-sons, regaling the stories of his adolescence to his friends, or sparring with Dwalin over dumb words said. But it was really the moments with Bilbo that allowed him to lay down his walls completely and set his responsibilities to the side.
It was the moments when all had retreated but himself and the hobbit that Thorin looked forward to the most. The nights when he and Bilbo talked about plants or the meanings of flowers. The times when Bilbo would light his pipe and pass it between himself and the dwarf. The times in meetings when Bilbo would find a solution when Thorin’s stubbornness struck. The times when Thorin would catch himself staring at the hobbit, before quickly looking away. It was times like those that made Thorin realize he would trade all the gold in Erebor for Bilbo to look his way and return his affection.
~
Thorin had not realized anybody else had noticed the distance he put between himself and the company until Dwalin had cornered him in his chambers.
“What are you brooding about this time?” Dwalin asked sarcastically, entering the room and coming to stand in front of the granite desk the king was sitting behind.
“I have no idea what you speak of.” a pause of his quill.
“Really. So you haven’t been avoiding everybody and your duties by holing up in your chambers with the excuse of illness?”
“I have not, I truly have been feeling ill as of late.” a glance to the side, not yet looking at his friend.
“Boarshit Thorin, you know I know when you're lying.” the dwarf slammed his hand on the desk.
“I do not wish to spe-”
“Save it. I’ve followed you through battles and dragon-fire. I’ve seen you at your lowest and sickest, but this, this is not a physical sickness that rests upon you.” he said, gaze knowing.
A silence settles as Thorin finally meets Dwalins gaze. Sunken, empty eyes and ashen skin is the site that meets Dwalin’s, the effect of the isolation and ‘illness’ having hit Thorin worse than the Company thought.
“I do not know how to proceed Dwalin.” whispers Thorin, voice so quiet it was barely heard.
“Well it’s pretty simple if you ask me, just tell him.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“But it is. If you just talk to him.”
“I cannot.”
“You can.”
“I will not.”
“Well, why not.”
“I’m trapped, can’t you see.” he said, abruptly standing up, walking over and putting a hand up to the wall.
“Trapped between my heart and his happiness like the ore hidden under this mountain.”
Dwalin, rolling his eyes, stayed resting against the desk, facing Thorin as he started pacing the chamber.
“You're right. This is an illness rooted in my own feelings. I love him, Dwalin, but I can’t ask him to forsake his own happiness by asking him to stay in Erebor.” he said, rubbing a hand over his eyes.
“Bilbo’s life is one of the Shire. He is a Hobbit, and Erebor is no place for Shirefolk. I’ve seen him since he was asked of his impending return to the Shire and, and I could not…” Thorin stopped, choking up at the memory.
“Could not what?” Dwalin pushed.
“You’ve seen him, haven’t you? He’s been absolutely miserable since he was reminded of the Shire!” he exclaimed.
“I couldn’t bear seeing him like that everyday if I asked him to stay here with me. I will not be the cause of his suffering again, not after how I treated him before.”
“Have you ever considered another reason to be the cause of his unhappiness?”
“What other reason could there be?” Thorin paused his pacing, turning to face Dwalin with a tired look.
“You, Thorin.” Dwalin started. “You stopped interacting with him after that meeting. You distanced yourself from the others. Did you ever stop to think that this isolation was hurting him as much as it’s hurting you.”
“I didn’t, that’s not. He wouldn’t want my offer after the things I put him through. I tried to throw him from the ramparts for Mahals sake.” he said, throwing his hands up exasperatedly.
“But even after that he fought his way through orcs, goblins, and trolls to save you, Fili, and Kili. I won’t ever forget the sight of him when we found you with Azog’s sword sticking through you.”
“It sounded as if his soul cracked in two, Thorin. I had to pull him off your body so Ori could start helping you. He passed out in my arms from how much he was crying.” the dwarf lamented, shifting his weight.
“I didn’t know. How could I have known that!” Thorin frustratedly exclaimed.
“By talking to him, or anybody for that matter. Not locking yourself in your room for days on end like a petulant dwarfling.” Dwalin said before walking up to Thorin, resting a hand on his shoulder.
“Just speak with him.” he said with a quick squeeze, walking over to the door.
Thorin watched the dwarf leave before calling out, “ Akhminruki astû .”
Dwalin paused, halfway through the door, looking back over his shoulder, “You would do it for me.” A smirk grew on his face, mischief dancing in his eyes “I better see your face at dinner, you frail-hearted ninny, or I’ll send Fili and Kili to drag you down.”
With that, Dwalin left Thorin standing in the middle of his chambers, stunned at the jumbled thoughts left in the wake of their conversation.
~
It had been two weeks since Thorin had his conversation with Dwalin. Two weeks since the night he made the decision to talk to Bilbo concerning his feelings. It had taken the dwarf days to muster up the courage and plan to engage in said conversation, but with every chance came an interruption.
At first it was small things like Fili and Kili fighting right before he went to approach or Bilbo being pulled away by another Company member, but then it turned into bigger matters intruding. Royal responsibilities that were disregarded in his neglect slowly crept up and pounced on Thorin when he wasn’t looking.
Endless waves of ‘Sire these trade agreements need signed’ or ‘Don’t forget you need to look over these compromises, my liege’ piled around Thorin till he felt like he was drowning. He felt as if he was being pulled in all directions, with his brain straining one way and his heart shouting at him to talk to Bilbo. It was during one of these days that Thorin was reminded of the weekly advisor meeting he needed to attend.
It was as he arrived he realized he was the first one to the meeting. Walking his way through the hall and to the chair at the head of the table, Thorin sat down and rested his head in his hands, taking a moment to release the stress he held from the past few days.
“Asking for help isn’t a bad thing, you know.”
Thorin jumped, not having heard the dwarf to his left enter the room. He looked over at Dwalin with tired eyes and a sigh.
“It’s my responsibility as king t-”
“to handle things myself.” Dwalin interrupts. “Blah, blah, blah, shut it. It is not the duty of a leader to take all the responsibilities, but delegate them in the matter best for everybody.”
“And here I thought it was your brother who was the diplomat.” Thorin chides, swiping his hand down his face before smirking over at the other dwarf.
“Aye, that he is, but you pick up a thing or two.” Dwalin said, finally sitting down.
“Have you talked to Bilbo yet?”
“I haven-” Thorin starts, interrupted as others of the meeting start entering the hall.
After a few minutes of greetings and niceties, the group sat down to commence the meeting.
“It is with great honor that I ca-” Thorin begins, interrupted by a dwarf farther down the table.
“Oi, we are missing a dwarf, where’s Master Balin?”
“Ya, and Master Bilbo?” another question.
It was then that Thorin swept his eyes over the gathering, taking note that the two happened to be absent from the hall. His mind immediately went to the worst as his eyes met Dwalins, Balin he needn’t worry about, having lived in the halls before Smaug, but Bilbo hadn’t. His mind starts to play pictures of the hobbit falling down a mineshaft or taking too many turns and getting lost within the kingdom.
It was just as he was about to call for the guards that the doors to the hall flew open and blazing brown eyes met worried blue.
“Thorin Oakenshield.” exclaimed the voice, “We need to talk.” and all eyes fell on him.
~
Bilbo Baggins had never been one to worry over interests others had in him. He was perfectly content to hide in the shadows and be forgotten, left to his quiet hobbit-hole and his books in the Shire. Well, that was before he met Thorin Oakenshield. Before Thorin, Bilbo could not give a single care as to who liked him or not, but after meeting the dwarven king, things changed for the hobbit.
At first it was simply proving to the dwarf that he was useful and not a burden to the company. It then developed into the forging of a friendship, and eventually, somewhere along the way, the hobbit fell in love with the dwarf. After various near death experiences, betrayals, heartbreaks, and victories, Bilbo and the dwarves had managed to complete their quest and reclaim the mountain.
It was not long after that Bilbo was asked the question of, “When will you be returning to the Shire, laddie?” He knew it had been coming, but he hadn’t been prepared for the pain and sadness to sweep over him at the thought of leaving his friends and Thorin. They had been his home for the past year and he was perfectly content with staying in Erebor for the rest of his days. It was after that meeting the king started avoiding Bilbo, and eventually the others for weeks on end.
Bilbo knew it was something to do with him, for he was the first one to be avoided, but he could not for all the lives in Middle Earth puzzle out why. Had he said something, done something during one of their after dinner talks. Did Thorin actually think he was useless now that the quest was over. Did he want Bilbo to leave and go back to the Shire? It was these thoughts that made Bilbo more miserable with each day of Thorin's isolation. The feelings within his heart filling him with self-deprecating thoughts and pining for the one that does not want him.
It was after a few weeks of the king's hiding that Thorin once again showed his face at dinner. Bilbo had looked up for the first time in weeks with a spark of hope in his eyes, only to be ignored for the next two weeks. His pain and pining had shifted to anger and indignation at seeing the dwarf interact with everyone but him. What made him so unworthy of Thorin's company? Was it his race, his height, his age. None of this was a problem before, so why is it now?
It was during one of these mind rants that Balin found Bilbo on his way to the weekly advisor meeting.
“Ah, Bilbo, I was just on my way to the meeting… are you feeling alright, laddie?” Balin asked as he got closer to the hobbit.
“Yes, yes.” he said, before frustrated tears started welling in his eyes. “Actually no, I’m not.”
“There, there. It will be alright, now tell me what’s the problem and we’ll see if I have an answer.” the older dwarf stated, moving the two over to a stone ledge to sit on.
“It’s just, oh this is so stupid, it’s just, Thorin has been avoiding me and I don’t know why. He doesn’t avoid you or others in the company, just me, and it’s been like that for quite some time, and if he wants me to leave then I leave but I don’t want to leave-”
“Woah now, slow down laddie, don’t work yourself into a tizzy.” Balin placated.
“You're right, I’m sorry.” he said, wiping his tears with his sleeve. “It’s not fair to me to be treated like this Balin, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I believe the solution is as easy as talking to him.”
“But how do I do that if he won’t acknowledge my existence?”
“Aye, Thorin’s a stubborn one. Making him hear you can take a little work, and sometimes a well placed corner to back him into, say a meeting.”
“What do I even say in this situation?” the Hobbit asked, wringing his hands.
“Ask for answers and remember to speak true to your feelings.” Balin said with a wink.
“How do you know about that?” Bilbo looked at the dwarf wide eyed.
“Laddie, you two are as subtle as Smaug taking over Erebor.” They both laughed.
Bilbo stood up looking over at Balin. “I suppose I have a meeting to disrupt.”
“That you do, that you do.” Balin said standing to join Bilbo, starting the walk to the meeting hall.
“Oh and Bilbo,” the dwarf started as they reached the hall doors, meeting the hobbits gaze, “give him hell.” and with that Bilbo pushed open the doors.
~
Thorin blinked, stunned as he watched the hobbit approach him.
“Master Baggins.” he greeted, masking his anxiousness with false courage “Yes, I believe we do.” waving his hand to direct Bilbo to one of the side halls.
Bilbo followed the king's direction, entering the room, before turning to watch Thorin close the door. Thorin spun and an awkward silence fell over the room as their gazes met.
“Liste-.”
“I’m sor-.” Both going to speak at the same time.
Thorin took a step further into the room, setting his crown on the table, “You go first, I insist.”
“Very well.” stated the hobbit, trying to keep his voice indifferent to mask his nerves.
“It has come to my attention that I am to return to the Shire soon.” he said, not noticing the dwarfs hands stilling with the fiddling of the crown.
“With the quest to reclaim Erebor complete I am found unneeded by those who have hired me.” with that the king’s gaze swiftly met his, noticing the shock held within it.
“Bilb-” Thorin starts, taking a step towards the hobbit, distressed.
Bilbo holds his hand up, “Please let me finish.” Thorin stays where he is, a dejected look on his face.
“I cannot, in good conscience, leave here without making the feelings of my heart known.” He glances at the floor.
“At the start of our journey, I gave no mind to what you thought of me, but over the course of the year I have found that changed. I fell for the stubborn dwarf king who lacks manners, tact, and handkerchiefs. I fell for the one dwarf who can barely stand to look at me now that he has no need for me.” a pause.
“I fell in love with you Thorin Oakenshield, and I will not leave this mountain if there is even a hope of you loving me back.” the hobbit sagged, all energy in keeping his composure lost to his rant.
It wasn’t till he felt the thumbs wiping across his cheeks that he even realized he was crying. It took him even longer to realize that Thorin was standing in front of him, holding his face, looking down on him with such sorrow it hurt.
“Oh Bilbo. Birashagammi.” he said, wiping another tear. “I’m so sorry, ghivashel, this is all my fault.”
“Th-Thorin, what are you talking about?” Bilbo questioned, grabbing the dwarfs' wrists and bringing them from his face.”
Thorin closed his eyes, turning his face down in shame, trying to stem the tears forming.
“Thorin?” Bilbo reached up, forcing Thorin's gaze to meet his.
“I never- I never meant to make you feel this way.” Thorin began.
“I ran away and hid like a coward because I thought you wanted to leave Erebor. I hid from you in hopes that I could save us both from the torment of having to choose.” he said, a distressed look coming across his face.
“Choose what, Thorin? I don’t understa-.”
“The Shire.” he exclaimed. “I didn’t want you to have to choose between the Shire and me. I didn’t want to force you to choose me and be miserable for the rest of your life.”
“I love you Bilbo Baggins. I don’t know when and there are thousands of reasons why, but if you stay with me here in Ere-.” before Thorin could finish he is pulled into a soft kiss that lasts only a few seconds, but is enough to get the point across.
Pulling back enough to gaze into the dwarfs eyes, “I will always choose you Thorin, always.”
“Always, ghivashel, in this life and the next.”
~The End~