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“This is just how our story goes.”
It was the last thing she heard before darkness swallowed her whole.
The first thing she felt was warmth. The kind of warmth only fire could create, that could consume her. It felt nothing like the plane, cold and lonely, just moments ago. She had watched Tai grieve her, had watched the love of her life realise she was no longer with her, no longer breathing. She desperately wanted to reach out, to tell her everything would be okay, that she was okay. But she was unable to will her body into motion, the atmosphere weighing on her, making it hard to breathe, suffocating her.
She will never be able to tell Tai she loved her, that she never stopped loving her no matter how hard the days had gotten through the years. No matter how cold the nights got and how alone she felt after not knowing anything or anyone but Tai. Sometimes the loneliness got too much and she contemplated calling her but then she decided against it. She knew she wasn’t welcomed and didn't have a place in Tai’s life. So she had learned to accept the constant feeling of being alone. She had to, there was no other choice and eventually the pain of her broken heart turned into anger. And anger was easier to manage that the pain of knowing the love of your life was loving someone that wasn’t you. Anger was easier to live with, the rush of adrenaline that came with the resentment she felt at least made her feel alive. Pain only dragged her down deeper into the ocean of her emotions, drowning her. Resentment kept her going.
But this feeling? This was relaxing and she felt herself slowly falling back to sleep. Her body was growing heavy, nothing compared to the panic she felt before. Gentle fingers were combing through her hair, scraping her scalp softly, playing with her red locks tenderly. Another hand rested on her chest, fingers tracing random patterns where the knife had entered her body, bringing an end to her and Tai’s world. She remembered the feeling of it piercing her skin before she felt the pain, the cold steel was a cruel contrast of her hot flesh. She not only heard but felt her ribs cracking, caving in under the pressure of the blade that was slowly becoming an extension of her. Then came the sharp pain. Pain she had never experienced before, pain that blinded her, dug its claws into her body, ripping her flesh from her bones. She almost didn’t feel the warm blood soaking her clothes, too focused on trying to breathe. Too focused to stay alive, grasping at anything to stop herself from ceasing to exist.
The hand in her hair now moved to her face, delicate fingers traced the scar that ran from her forehead to her cheek lovingly, paying extra attention to the small one above her eyebrow. It was as if the person was playing with it, chasing invisible paths on her face. The touch was like the warm spring breeze, gentle like a lover’s words. It sent waves of comfort through her body and she let out a small but content sigh. She realised that her head was resting on someone’s lap and she nuzzled her face into the soft fabric of their clothes. Tai, she thought, it must be Tai. Her dying was just a dream. She was well, she was safe. She was with Tai and the other woman would do anything to keep her safe. She knew that. Everything was okay, Tai was there. Everything would be just alri—
“Van?” A voice whispered that was not Tai’s. Van opened her eyes but did not dare to look up at the woman she believed was dead. This was not possible, it could not be.
“Van? I need you to look at me.” The voice spoke again, this time it sounded firmer but still gentle. Van squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep her tears in but it was pointless. They were already falling, rolling down her cheeks. If Lotti was alive, that meant—
“Lottie?” Van’s voice broke slightly as the redhead sat up, turning to face Lottie. Even in her death, she was so beautiful it made Van’s heart ache. Just like the day she last saw her.
They were both sitting on the floor, staring at each other, neither of them moving.
“Hey, Van.” Lottie smiled at her but her face held no happiness nor did it shine with joy. Her expression was pained, heartbroken for Van. She looked so sad, the flames casting shadows over her features.
“No…” Van whimpered, her lips trembling as her tears continued to fall silently. “Please, Lottie.” She lowered her head, the first sob escaping silently before more followed, making her body shake painfully. Despair squeezed her heart, the feeling of hopelessness made her chest feel tight to the point where she couldn’t breathe. She began to gasp for air, panic settling down on her slowly. Her breathing turned shallow and no matter how hard she tried, she just could not seem to fill her lungs with air. It felt like they were too small and lost their ability to expand.
She was scared. So scared.
“I’m so sorry.” Lottie just sat there, allowing Van to feel whatever emotion she needed to in order to process whatever happened.
“I can’t be dead, I can’t be.” Van continued to cry, her hand reaching for her hair. She grabbed a handful of it and began to pull, trying to ground herself somehow, her eyes holding more pain than Lottie had ever seen. She knew this feeling, she had experienced it herself. The difference was, she was alone and so so scared. Lottie would never allow Van to go through that alone. “This must be a dream and I will wake up any minute now.” Squeezing her eyes shut again, Van began to mumble to herself, chanting unintelligible words. Her body rocked back and forth, her hands covering her ears in an attempt to shut everything out.
“Van.”
Soft hands grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from her face. Then the same hands cupped Van’s tear stained face, her thumbs wiping her tears away.
”It’s not a dream. You are dead.”
Van could have sworn her heart just stopped beating. Of course it did, she was dead. Dead… dead… dead… The words echoed in her head.
”Oh god,” she gasped, wrapping her arms around herself. “Oh god.” A fresh wave of sobs broke out of her and she pushed Lottie’s hands away, leaning forward slightly as she wailed, her voice breaking under the weight of her pain.
This couldn’t be the end, Van refused to believe it. She had so much to do, so much to live for. She had Tai.
“Van,” Lottie spoke up after a while, reaching out for the redhead. Her heart broke for her friend, her eyes were dark with sadness. It hurt to see Van like this, the only person she had ever trusted and the only person who stood by Lottie no matter what. “It chose.”
“No!” Van yelled, pulling away angrily. “No, I can’t be dead.” Denial was starting to set in and she slapped Lottie’s hand away as she moved closer again. “Leave me alone. I have to go back to Tai. Let me go!” She began to hit Lottie’s shoulders, shifting closer on her knees slightly. Lottie took it, waiting patiently for Van to let it all out. She would be Van’s punching bag if that's what the redhead needed. She would be anything Van needed her to be.
When the redhead calmed down slightly, her sobs and cries quietened down, Lottie moved closer. She wrapped her arms around Van, pulling her close to her body.
“I know that it’s scary and I know that it hurts.” She said and gently began to comb her hand through Van’s hair. “But it will be okay. Everything will be okay.”
”It does hurt, Lottie,” Van repeated, crying into Lottie’s shoulder. “It hurts so much I can’t breathe.”
”I know, my love, I know.” Lottie murmured softly and moved her hand from Van’s hair to her face, running her thumb over the redhead’s lips to wipe her tears and caressing her cheek with the back of her fingers. “But it’s not as bad as you think, it is scary at first but it will get better. I will be here to help you and I won’t let go of your hand.” To prove her point, Lottie took Van’s hand and intertwined their fingers together. “You won’t be alone, I promise.”
She placed a kiss on top of Van’s head and rested her cheek against it. Lottie shifted slightly and started to slowly rock them.
“What about Tai?” Van asked, her voice once again growing heavy as the gentle motion lulled her into sleep.
”She won’t be long. Until then, I’ll take care of you. Now, sleep my love.”
”Hmm…” Van hummed and felt the pain fading away, being replaced by warmth and comfort. She felt weightless, like she was floating on a cloud as Lottie’s hand continued to stroke her face. The sadness and the fear melted away, replaced by calmness and contentment. “Just for five minutes…” the redhead mumbled before her body went limp.
Lottie leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Van’s forehead, a tear falling down her face.
”Take as long as you need. Sleep well, Vanessa.”