Chapter Text
I: Brutal
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
29/09/2023
Chat: Seungcheol/Joshua
Joshua: Cheollie
Joshua: Feelin better?
Seungcheol : No
Seungcheol : I would rip my heart out of my chest if I could
Joshua: Oh, Cheol
Joshua: I'm here for you
Joshua: Always
Seungcheol: It hurts, Shua
Seungcheol: It hurts so fuckin much
Joshua: I know…
Joshua: You've seen the video, haven't you?
Seungcheol: Of course I saw it
Seungcheol: Why did he do this to me, Shua?
Seungcheol: Why did he?
Joshua: I'm so sorry
Seungcheol: Those hands
Seungcheol: I saw his hand taking Hyungwon’s
Seungcheol: And it hurt like death
Seungcheol: I don't know why I fell in love with him
Seungcheol: I wish he never existed
Joshua: Cheollie
Joshua: Don't say such things
Joshua: I know you're hurt
Joshua: But he didn't do anything wrong
Seungcheol: I wish we never met
Seungcheol: Or maybe I wish I never caught feelings for someone who doesn't even care about me
Joshua: He cares about you
Joshua: He loves you
Seungcheol: He doesn't love me the way I love him, anyway
Seungcheol: I felt like I was drowning in my own tears
Joshua: He didn't do that on purpose, you know that
Seungcheol: It doesn't mean I'm not suffering like hell
Seungcheol: If he cared, he wouldn't have done that
Joshua: It's his life, Cheol
Joshua: You're in love with him, but he’s in love with somebody else
Joshua: You can't stop him from being happy
Seungcheol: But when will it be my turn?
Seungcheol: When will I be happy?
Seungcheol: I just want him
Seungcheol: I don't want anyone else
Joshua: You'll find someone, Cheol
Joshua: Just not Jeonghan
Seungcheol: But I love Jeonghan
Seungcheol: I love him from the first day we met
Seungcheol: And seeing him with somebody else, Shua, it hurts more than being stabbed
Seungcheol: I want to hold him
Seungcheol: To kiss him, to love him
Joshua: I know
Joshua: Seokmin felt the same thing for me
Joshua: That's why I understand Jeonghan’s point of view
Seungcheol: Of course, you're his best friend
Joshua: It's not just that
Joshua: We can't date anyone
Joshua: We can't date other idols
Joshua: Especially our members
Seungcheol: I would've given up my entire career for him
Seungcheol: Just to call him mine
Joshua: Maybe Jeonghan is more concentrated on his career
Joshua: Just like I am
Joshua: And that's right, Cheol
Joshua: Sometimes we have to let things go
Seungcheol: But he kissed him
Seungcheol: He kissed him, Shua
Seungcheol: They slept together, in the same room
Seungcheol: He flirted with him
Seungcheol: If he cared about his career, he wouldn't have done all of that
Joshua: Cheol
Joshua: That's different
Seungcheol: It's not
Joshua: Have you tried to talk with him about that?
Seungcheol: No
Seungcheol: I'm angry, I'm sad
Seungcheol: I don't want to talk to him
Seungcheol: It would break my heart even more
Seungcheol: And what would he say to me anyway?
Seungcheol: That he's in love with someone else?
Seungcheol: That we can't be together?
Joshua: Maybe
Joshua: But at least you two would talk about that
Seungcheol: I just want to erase him from my mind
Seungcheol: I just want him to be mine
Seungcheol: I just want to be Hyungwon
‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.
04/10/2023
Group: SVT
Chan: Hyung!
Chan: Happy birthday!
Chan: @Jeonghan
Joshua: Happy birthday, my brother <3
Wonwoo: Happy birthday.
Soonyoung: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAN
Jihoon: Hbd
Mingyu: Happy birthday! Cheers to our angel
Seungkwan: Happy birthday, roommate!
Hansol: Ow, happy birthday Hyung
Minghao: Happy birthday from me and Jun, his phone is dead
Seokmin: AAAAA
Seokmin: Happy birthday, our dearest Jeonghan!
Jeonghan: You're making me blush
Jeonghan: Thanks, you all <3
Jeonghan: You're my family
Minghao: Another step towards your 30s
Jeonghan: Please, don't remind me that, Eisa
Jeonghan: I feel old
Jeonghan: My back hurts already
Mingyu: Let's celebrate tomorrow
Jeonghan: It would be nice!
Jeonghan: I have to go live in some minutes
Jeonghan: Carats will be excited
Seungkwan: Carats love our Jeonghan-Hyung
Chan: Hehe, everybody loves our Jeonghannie
Jeonghan: >.<
Chat: Jeonghan/Hyungwon
Hyungwon: Hey
Hyungwon: Happy birthday :D
Jeonghan: Thank you! <3
Jeonghan: I was waiting for this message like I waited for my debut
Hyungwon: Shall I ask you on a birthday date?
Jeonghan: Oh!
Jeonghan: What if I decline?
Hyungwon: Mmh
Hyungwon: It would break my heart
Jeonghan: I'm joking
Jeonghan: Of course I accept
Jeonghan: But I have to party with the members first
Jeonghan: Maybe we could meet later
Hyungwon: Ofc
Hyungwon: Priorities :P
Jeonghan: Always put your kids first XD
Jeonghan: Speaking about kids
Jeonghan: Seungcheol didn't wish me happy birthday
Hyungwon: What?
Hyungwon: Not even a text?
Jeonghan: No, not at all
Hyungwon: Maybe he's still hurt
Jeonghan: Yeah, but I would've liked a “happy birthday” at least
Jeonghan: I don't even remember the last time we talked to each other
Hyungwon: I'm sorry, Hannie
Hyungwon: But try to understand him
Hyungwon: He’s hurt
Jeonghan: We've been friend for more than ten years
Jeonghan: I know he's hurt, I know I broke his heart
Jeonghan: But it doesn't justify him
Jeonghan: I didn't ask for flowers, I asked for a birthday wish
Hyungwon: I would've got really mad if he brought you flowers XD
Jeonghan: Ahah
Jeonghan: I didn't know you were the jealous type
Hyungwon: Wouldn’t I be jealous of my absolutely stunning boyfriend who everyone is in love with?
Jeonghan: Ow
Jeonghan: My heart is pounding rn
Hyungwon: Glad to be the one that makes your angelic heart pound
Jeonghan: Stop that
Jeonghan: I'm gonna have a stroke
Hyungwon: ;)
Chat: Seungcheol/Jeonghan
Jeonghan: Cheol
Jeonghan: I know you're hurt
Jeonghan: And I'm sorry
Jeonghan: But I didn't expect that from you
Jeonghan: I would've liked a text
Jeonghan: Only a stupid text
Seungcheol: Yeah, happy birthday
Jeonghan: Oh, thank you, I'm glad you said that only after I asked you
Jeonghan: At nine p.m.
Seungcheol: Jeonghan
Seungcheol: I'm trying to forget you
Seungcheol: I'm trying to go on
Seungcheol: Don't you understand that simple, little thing? I thought you were smart enough to
Jeonghan: I understand you
Jeonghan: I do, really
Jeonghan: But a “happy birthday” would've been great
Seungcheol: You got what you wanted
Seungcheol: Leave me alone
Seungcheol: I want to erase you from my mind
Jeonghan: You're hurting me
Seungcheol: No pain will be comparable to the one you caused to me
Seungcheol: I've loved you for ten years
Seungcheol: Ten years, Jeonghan
Seungcheol: And for a moment, for a beautiful, fucking moment, I thought you loved me too
Seungcheol: You deceived me
Jeonghan: I didn't
Jeonghan: It was a kiss
Jeonghan: Just an innocent, harmless kiss
Seungcheol: Harmless?
Seungcheol: Do you even think before saying bullshit like this?
Seungcheol: You made me think my feelings were requited
Seungcheol: Can you even imagine how I felt?
Seungcheol: Can you even think about what that kiss meant to me?
Jeonghan: I'm sorry, Cheol
Jeonghan: I've been stupid
Jeonghan: I've been insensitive
Seungcheol: Yes, Jeonghan
Seungcheol: You still are
Seungcheol: Because if you cared even a little about me, you wouldn't have done it
Seungcheol: You wouldn't have held his hand
Seungcheol: You wouldn't have kissed him just like you did with me
Seungcheol: And you don't fucking know how it hurts
Seungcheol: You don't even know how I feel
Jeonghan: You're being mean and egoistic
Jeonghan: You're clipping my wings
Jeonghan: You're only thinking about yourself, Seungcheol
Seungcheol: Oh, am I?
Seungcheol: It’s you
Seungcheol: It's you who are thinking about yourself
Seungcheol: Because you are just a narcissist who lives for being worshipped
Seungcheol: That's what you are, Jeonghan
Jeonghan: I just want to be happy
Jeonghan: I want to live my fucking career and to be loved
Jeonghan: Is that too much to ask, Seungcheol?
Seungcheol: I want to be happy, too
Seungcheol: And to be happy, I need to erase your face
Seungcheol: I need to erase your voice
Seungcheol: I need to erase those memories
Seungcheol: I need to erase you, Jeonghan
Seungcheol: Because you're the only fucking person on this Earth I will ever love
Jeonghan: I’m not
Jeonghan: You'll find somebody
Jeonghan: A boy, a girl
Jeonghan: Just not me, Seungcheol
Seungcheol: Leave me alone
Seungcheol: Don't ever try to talk to me again
Seungcheol: If we have to keep a smile on our face in front of our fans or staff, we will
Seungcheol: But don't say any other word to me
Seungcheol: Forget me
Seungcheol: Just like I'm trying to forget you
Jeonghan: Thank you
Jeonghan: Thank you for ruining my birthday and my happiness, Seungcheol
Seungcheol blocked Jeonghan
Chat: Jeonghan/Joshua
Jeonghan: Joshuji
Jeonghan: Please, answer
Jeonghan: I feel like I'm living in a nightmare
Joshua: Han
Joshua: What happened?
Joshua: Do you want me to come over?
Jeonghan: I'm with Hyungwon rn
Jeonghan: He's in the bathroom
Joshua: Okay
Joshua: Did he tell you something bad?
Jeonghan: No
Jeonghan: Everything is okay with him
Jeonghan: But Cheol blocked me
Jeonghan: He told me horrible things
Jeonghan: I can't stop crying, I'm feeling so bad
Joshua: Hannie
Joshua: Do you want me to come over when Hyungwon leaves?
Jeonghan: Yes
Jeonghan: Please, Joshuji
Joshua: Okay
Joshua: Okay, tell me when he leaves
Joshua: I'll be there
Joshua: What did he tell you?
Jeonghan: I'll tell you when you come here, okay?
Joshua: Yes
Joshua: Try to calm down now
Joshua: Enjoy your time with Hyungwon, try to have a good birthday
Joshua: I’ll be there
Joshua: We’ll sleep together like we did when we were trainees, okay?
Jeonghan: You're the best friend I could ever ask for, Joshuji
Jeonghan: I love you so much
Joshua: I love you so much too, Jeonghannie
Chat: Jeonghan/Hyungwon
Hyungwon: Hannie
Hyungwon: Are you okay?
Hyungwon: I heard you crying
Jeonghan: I’m fine
Jeonghan: Can you come here?
Hyungwon: Yeah
Hyungwon: Wanna have some fun? ;)
Jeonghan: I don't really feel like that rn
Jeonghan: Can you just hold me?
Hyungwon: What do you mean?
Hyungwon: I thought you wanted that
Jeonghan: I don't want to anymore
Jeonghan: I'm tired
Hyungwon: Mh
Jeonghan: Are you mad at me?
Hyungwon: No
Hyungwon: But I hoped for something to happen tonight
Jeonghan: I'm sorry
Jeonghan: But I don't really feel like that
Hyungwon: I think I'll go home
Jeonghan: What?
Jeonghan: You said you had to leave at midnight
Jeonghan: What happened?
Hyungwon: I remembered I have to do something at ten
Hyungwon: Sorry
Jeonghan: Something what?
Hyungwon: Fuck, Jeonghan, I don't have to tell you everything
Jeonghan: It's my birthday
Jeonghan: You asked me to come here
Jeonghan: And all of a sudden, just when I told you I don't want to have sex, you have to leave
Hyungwon: You said you're tired, right?
Hyungwon: Sleep, then
Jeonghan: Are you seriously leaving my house because I told you I'm not in the mood?
Hyungwon: I'm not leaving because of that
Hyungwon: You're annoying
Jeonghan: Just go out from that bathroom and we'll talk about it
Hyungwon: No
Hyungwon: Now I understand Seungcheol
Jeonghan: What?
Hyungwon: You only think about yourself
Jeonghan: Love, I just said I don't want to have sex. I didn't do anything wrong
Hyungwon: I'll leave
Chat: Jeonghan/Joshua
Jeonghan: Joshuji
Jeonghan: He left
Joshua: I’m coming
Joshua: Five minutes and I'll be there, okay?
Jeonghan: Joshuji, please
Jeonghan: Please, don't leave me alone
Joshua: Hannie
Joshua: Are you feeling better?
Jeonghan: No
Jeonghan: This is the worst day of my life
Joshua: I'm coming, okay?
Joshua: I won't leave you alone, Hannie
Joshua: Never
Jeonghan: <3
‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.
05/10/2023
Chat: Seungcheol/Joshua
Joshua: Cheol
Seungcheol: Shua?
Seungcheol: It's like three a.m.
Seungcheol: You usually sleep at three a.m.
Joshua: I'm with Jeonghan
Seungcheol: Oh, what a good new
Seungcheol: Should I care about it?
Joshua: Please
Joshua: Try to be serious
Joshua: He fell asleep in tears
Seungcheol: Again
Seungcheol: Should I care about it?
Joshua: Cheol
Joshua: He had a huge panic attack in my arms
Joshua: Listen to me
Seungcheol: I had like a hundred panic attacks in one day
Seungcheol: He won't die
Joshua: Listen to me, I said
Joshua: Hyungwon left him
Seungcheol: And?
Joshua: Jeonghan told him he didn't want to have sex with him
Joshua: Because he wasn't feeling good
Joshua: And Hyungwon left him
Joshua: Cheol?
Joshua: Are you there?
Seungcheol: What did he do?
Joshua: Yeah…
Seungcheol: I don't even know what to say
Seungcheol: What the fuck?
Joshua: Yeah, I know
Joshua: Send him a message
Joshua: Whatever you feel to say to him
Joshua: But please, Cheol
Joshua: Don't leave him alone
Joshua: I’m sure things will get better, I promise you
Joshua: But don't leave him alone
Seungcheol: For how much I can tell myself I don't care
Seungcheol: This pissed me off
Joshua: I know
Joshua: I'm so angry and worried right now, Cheol
Seungcheol: I'm texting him
Joshua: He’ll see that tomorrow
Joshua: He’s sleeping
Joshua: But thank you, Cheol
Joshua: Thank you so much
Chat: Seungcheol/Jeonghan
Seungcheol: Han
Seungcheol: I'm sorry
Seungcheol: I'm so fucking sorry
Seungcheol: I know you'll see these texts tomorrow
Seungcheol: I'm glad you’re resting
Seungcheol: Please, tell me you're okay
Seungcheol: Forgive me
Seungcheol: I just want you to be okay
Seungcheol: Happy birthday
Seungcheol: Sleep well